Wife won’t make stepdaughter get a job

[Recyc11ng]

So I have a stepdaughter of 20. An adorable good natured human being but is bone idle.

She left college last summer (after having an extra year for failing everything). Despite the extra year she achieved nothing. she is so bright but unmotivated.

Her mum and I agreed that she could have a month or two break before getting into work. Since then she has worked one day in a new job then quit. Since then nothing.

It’s almost a year now and it is driving me nuts, even more so as I have a very strong work ethic and don’t believe life is free.

She spends 7 days a week in her bedroom playing minecraft and other games. She never goes out, eats and makes zero contribution to the house whilst her mum and I work (very long hours)

I keep raising with my wife and nothing is being done - it’s as though my wife would be ok if her daughter was still doing the same thing for another 20years.

Tired of talking with nothing being done, tired of stepdaughter taking the P - now at the point where it’s a constant irritation and I have no idea what to do!!

Help!!

I don't understand why, if you and your wife both work, you ay for everything? Where does your wife's money go (apart from the £100 to the DSD which ought to be stopped)?

I'd also stop feeding the bf. In fact, I'd stop feeding her, I'd get the shopping in but just tell her to make her own meals, make it more like an adult house share.

If she's good at speaking to people remotely then a call centre job might be good for her. Maybe baby steps and see if she can apply for something part time? She won't want to while she has a free hotel and £100pm to spend on fripperies (nb: spend a lot on fripperies, but I work for it).

Lack of decent pay, astronomical housing costs and lots of debt.

She doesn't seem to be in debt and is not having any housing issues, so none of that is stopping her getting a job. Yes, pay is abysmal, but even my 'failing' ex-DSS has got a min wage zero hours job and is now being 'promoted' to actual hours and a better hourly rate. No housing costs cos he lives with his mum.

Your wife is partially to blame here by enabling her. It isn’t a healthy way to live and most parents wouldn’t stand for it. She needs to in the very least leave her bedroom and tidy the house.

Your wife should also stop the monthly payments and force her to claim JSA. It isn’t how it used to be signing on every week and pretending you’ve been job hunting, they actually make claimants prove they have been actively applying for jobs and force them onto courses etc. I do think this would be a necessary kick up the backside.

Also take the WiFi router with you when you go to work, I would.

Yes, because bullying a young woman into taking any kind of shitty, pointless job she can find is really going to do her good.

Work is fetishized to a ridiculous extent, particularly when so many jobs are inherently pointless - and many more badly underpaid and even dangerous. While it might be worth her mother gently digging to see if she's depressed, your unimaginative, punitive attitude towards her is not going to help in the least.

The bone idle laziness is obviously not a sudden overnight development - it must have been apparent for a number of years leading up to this.

Your wife is the real problem as she is refusing to parent her child responsibility - and still expects you to pick up the tab.

You should have an equal say in what goes on in your home so start putting your foot down and speaking up about the freeloading of her and her bf.
Change the wifi password or the settings so that it's only available between certain hours.

Don't do any cooking, cleaning, giving lifts etyc for dsd - leave that to her mother if she wants to continue infantilising her.

DSD not being your biological child is irrelevant and it's not an acceptable 'reason' to use to stop you from parenting her or having an equal say - i bet that tune changes when your wife expects you to finance her child?

If your wife is refusing to deal with this then you need to seriously rethink your marriage - are you happy to be used for money etc but have no authority in your own home?

Um, someone else is having to WORK to enable her NOT to work. And they don't want to do that. Why should they have to? Why should someone think they are perfectly entitled just to do whatever they want, whenever they want, at someone else's expense - as a result of their hard work? Quite possibly at a job they don't overly enjoy?

You don't have to be autistic or depressed to be bone idle.

I think the main problem is your wife who has and is enabling the lazyitis in your daughter.
Also she seems to think that you are there just to provide support to her and her ways.
I used to work with a lot of teenagers who had this problem and the main issue was the parent/parents enabling this type of lazy behaviour.

The only way is to cut off any income source, access to amenities in the house etc and send her down to the Job Centre to claim JSA. Or she could go and live with the lazy boyfriend!

Work is fetishized to a ridiculous extent, particularly when so many jobs are inherently pointless. Unfortunately work is required for the majority in order to obtain funds to be able to live I don't see how work is a 'fetish'!

I feel sorry for her. She's going to have a limited future by the sounds of things and when she's grown up and struggling in life she will inevitably blame your wife/her father for this.

It's not her fault...your wife is to blame. I don't understand how and why she's allowed this to go on for so long. As a parent her job involves setting boundaries as to what is allowed and what isn't.

Work is fetishized to a ridiculous extent, particularly when so many jobs are inherently pointless.

Yeah I'd love to not have to go to work everyday but I don't expect anyone else to pay my bills for me. Who do you think should pay for those who decide work is a fetish?

JamdaniSari, I think at 20 years of age, she has to be held in some part responsible for her refusal to engage with the realities, responsibilities and joys of adult life.

I do agree however, that the wife bears much responsibility here, for enabling her to do this, and I think her 'parenting' here is lazy and self-indulgent, with more regard for what she does or doesn't want to do, than for what is in her daughter's best interests.

"What we’re saying is that there may be more to it, and, if so, there’s no point in just telling her to get herself a job."

She could just be shy or socially awkward. I'm really introverted, but I've worked from I was 16, because that's when I left school, and there's no benefit for not liking social situations with people you aren't very close to.

If she can't work for mental health reasons, she should still be claiming the appropriate benefits and learning to live within her means, and basic self care such as laundry, cooking herself reasonably nutritious meals, clearing up after herself, dishes, basic wiping down and hoovering/mopping etc.

And she needs to get out of the house now and again, staying in 24/7 isn't healthy. Does she go out shopping, for lunch or to the bf's? What does she spend the money her mum gives her on? Anything sensible like driving lessons or putting it in a savings account?

Any chance you could go away for a week or two, and see how she copes?

Great advice and thanks

Of course you can get a job as a shy person (I’m self-conscious myself), but she would probably benefit with help with interview technique. A girl who doesn’t want to leave her room, and is socially awkward, is inevitably going to struggle with that. How will she convince an employer that she’s likely to be an asset to their company?

She needs to start by doing something, maybe work for a local charity. I worked in a charity shop as a young adult for a while. At least she’ll start mixing with people and gaining experience to put on her CV.

Your wife should also stop the monthly payments and force her to claim JSA. It isn’t how it used to be signing on every week and pretending you’ve been job hunting

She won't get JSA:

www.gov.uk/jobseekers-allowance/eligibility

@Reanimated

What do you suggest we do to survive? Forage... Live in caves....

And they arranged a job in her aunt's shop. They've not asked her to mine for blood diamonds.

Unless you are planning some sort of Revolution working is the only way to live for most people. What if something was to happen to Op and his wife. This young woman would have no idea how to survive.

What do you suggest we do to survive? Forage... Live in caves....

Probably expect mugs like us to pay for them?

I don’t understand all the posters saying that expecting her to find a job is unreasonable. A 20 year old should be in school or working full-time. The only exception would be extreme poor health.

You and your wife have to agree on what happens next. Otherwise, you might as well move out.

In order to continue living there, I would require a certain number of job applications a week. If she finds even part-time work nearby, she must take it while she continues to search for something better.

Once she has some money coming in she needs to be paying you for living there. If she was in school it would be different, but she chose not to go that route so it’s time to start supporting herself. You can set the exact amount. If she only works a few hours, then you should take a bigger percentage of her paycheck than if she goes out and gets a full-time job, but the goal eventually should be to get her used to having real life expenses that she covers so don’t make it too cheap. You can also require she start saving a percentage of her income.

If you want to be nice, take some of her rent and put it in savings to surprise her with when she moves out.

If your wife won’t do this, she is harming her daughter. I couldn’t stand by and just watch it happen.

"I worked in a charity shop as a young adult for a while. At least she’ll start mixing with people and gaining experience to put on her CV"

I did this too, only when I was 15, towards my Duke of Ed award. It really did prepare me for work, I learnt about stock rotation, how to use a till, and how to deal with difficult customers (of which charity shops get a surprising amount, people wanting to haggle for things etc).

As far as I'm aware, the older you get, the less training schemes and things you're entitled to apply for, so if she needs help like that, sooner rather than later us best, I've seen posters on buses aimed at 18-21 year olds specifically, it would be a shame if she missed out because she left it to late.

Did she not do any work experience or get any interview training in school? Did she interview for her uni place?

I know a mum like this but her daughter is now pushing 40 two kids, now moved back with Mum because the father has had enough and pushed off. The mum is engaged to be married but cannot find her way to doing this because her daughter and grand children still need her. This mum is now 70 and still working part time to support daughter and grand children.. If she married her fiance she would be in a lovely house going on cruises etc. but she chooses to be a dogsbody.

I donit think OP DOES pay for everything? I am sure he said somewhere that he and his wife work hard?

I don't think realistically many mother's would boot their child out of the house in these circumstances, despite the bravado on here. A 20 year old with no experience, no qualifications, no confidence, no initiative, no competence. Where would she GO?

We haven't really heard what the wife's thoughts are? Whether she is worried about her daughter? Whether she talks to her daughter about this? Whether either of them have any plans for anything to change?

Or what the daughter's thoughts are? Why didn't she complete her studies? Why did she agree to work in the shop and then not do it? Why doesn't she go out and see friends? What does she want to do in her life? Is she happy? Does she want help with anything? Etc

She never goes out

Sounds like MH issues, TBH.

Can she articulate why she doesn't go out?

Haranguing someone to work when they're not well enough to leave the house could backfire hugely. So GP should be the first port of call.

Doctor appointment, is she depressed. Being lazy is one thing, totally uninterested in life is possibly depression.
This didn’t happen over night, when was she happy? Motivated?
You and your dw need a plan and be united, present SD with choices and time scale. You must both be prepared for resistance and stick with what has been agreed. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. Why the hell is she mooching around at home all day? Get her lazy arse outta bed and do something, anything, volunteering, she will soon realise being paid is not over rated.
Seriously you, more over, your wife are wilfully neglecting her needs as a young adult. She will render herself unemployable very soon.