Wife won’t make stepdaughter get a job

[Recyc11ng]

So I have a stepdaughter of 20. An adorable good natured human being but is bone idle.

She left college last summer (after having an extra year for failing everything). Despite the extra year she achieved nothing. she is so bright but unmotivated.

Her mum and I agreed that she could have a month or two break before getting into work. Since then she has worked one day in a new job then quit. Since then nothing.

It’s almost a year now and it is driving me nuts, even more so as I have a very strong work ethic and don’t believe life is free.

She spends 7 days a week in her bedroom playing minecraft and other games. She never goes out, eats and makes zero contribution to the house whilst her mum and I work (very long hours)

I keep raising with my wife and nothing is being done - it’s as though my wife would be ok if her daughter was still doing the same thing for another 20years.

Tired of talking with nothing being done, tired of stepdaughter taking the P - now at the point where it’s a constant irritation and I have no idea what to do!!

Help!!

I would insist that she does the majority of the housework and the cooking if you are both working full time and she is not working.

This doesn't sound like a healthy or happy lifestyle for a youngster though

This^^. Even if she did all the housework and looked after younger siblings etc, it would still be an unhealthy life for a 20yo imo.

Tbh, if she did have to do all or most of the housework and childcare, she’d probably run screaming to the job centre in desperation 😂. No 20yo would choose this, unless maybe it was their own dcs.

I'm thinking autism.

I was wondering about the possibility long before the OP described the young woman.

gettinglikemymother this young person not only doesn't have a job, but doesn't go out to socialise...it doesn't sound like laziness to me. Most people this age, are enthusiastic about socialising even/especially if they are work-shy

It’s easy to misinterpret what’s written - trust me there an health issues here - no depression, no autism, just lazy with no knee in the back

OP are you a Mental Health professional? This girl doesn’t sound “just lazy” to me but I’ve suffered depression and anxiety since I was a teen. Like ASD, depression & anxiety are not easy to spot and can look exactly like laziness.

She needs support and encouragement as well as basic boundaries about what you and your DW expect her to do around the house. Your wife might think she’s helping but she’s just making things worse in the long term. Gaming is addictive and like a form of self medicating because it means you can switch off from your problems. The problems don’t go away though, they get bigger and bigger hence you need to spend more time distracting yourself - it’s a vicious circle.

It sounds to me like your DSD needs counselling and possibly antidepressants. She needs her screen time rationed (turn the router off if you have to) and some small jobs to do around the house. Whatever’s going on, she sounds far from happy and your DW needs to stop enabling her hiding from the world.

I imagine it drives you crazy.
Worse though, if I were her mom I'd be seriously worried about my daughter.
Gaming is incredibly addictive as a friend of mine found out to her chagrin. Her son behaves like your stepdaughter and now has to seek help to get his life on the rails again.
Stop it as soon as you can. It's bad in every way!
Good luck.

So she has a boyfriend (who is equally a mooch)?? How about friends? Are they not going out, getting jobs, having a life, going out of an evening? Does she not want the same things? What does she say when you say “look at them and what they are doing/achieving”?

Tough love time here I think as your wife is enabling her. This could easily go on and on.....a pp has mentioned a 41 year old son still snoring in his bed and not working. Why in gods name would anyone want that for their child?

Who's paying for her game console games? Who's paying for the internet she's using for gaming? Who's paying for the electric she's using all day long? Cut off any luxury she has that youre funding. she'll soon want to start making money! Unfortunately when you're an adult you don't get to live free and rely on your parents for everything

You seem determined to see her as ‘bone idle’. But there’s something not right about a 20 year old who doesn’t want to work but also isn’t able to relate to other people and stays in her room all day. Most 20 year olds are desperate to socialise with their friends.

What we’re saying is that there may be more to it, and, if so, there’s no point in just telling her to get herself a job. Would she be able to cope with interviews?

My DB has serious MH issues and has recently been diagnosed as autistic as well. In the past, I’ve thought of him as being lazy, and of course that is what it looks like, but it’s not something he’s able to change.

Many people with depression and autism work and understand nothing is life is free.
Even if she can't manage to work right now for personal reasons, She still has to contribute towards the cost of things, she can go to doctors and find a way to manage working and dealing with whatever she's going through. For now she can at least pop down to the job centre.

My younger sister has Down syndrome and some physical issues including distorted vision. Cognitively she functions at the level of a primary school aged child yet she has more pride and motivation than your DSD.

She still lives at home with my parents but without any prompting she will make her bed, hoover, unload the dishwasher, put away the shopping etc. If she can contribute to the household then anyone can.

You can’t control the behaviour of your wife but you can make your feelings absolutely clear, she is risking your marriage over this and she needs to feel the weight of that on her shoulders.

If she's not receiving benefits she needs to put in a claim online and attend the interview appointment.

I'd want my wife to stop enabling her by giving her money to use as a means of avoidance as well.

Tell the boyfriend to eat at home and insist on your SD pulling her weight in the house.

Give her some help in finding work. Any work.

Once she is in work she can look for better options.

Or, encourage her to look at college courses she will love doing - from her bedroom hobby what about: computer graphics/media based perhaps, or IT/coding BTEC. Look at IT apprenticeships in your area.

She needs to engage but it has to be considered that she might currently not have the skills to know where to start.

Her and her BF are happy to go to gaming conventions, Pokemon clubs Pokemon events etc - no issue with that!

We agreed that she would do one day a week at her aunties shop so she could get the feel for it - that was Xmas and she’s been nowhere near the shop and my DW isn’t keeping her to what was agreed - apparently “as long as she’s happy” that’s all that matters 🤷‍♂️

She did college , coding programming etc but just flunked the lot - daft thing is she is über intelligent

Does your wife realise how UNhappy her husband is? Ultimately, you can't make your wife do anything, and you can't make her daughter do anything. So if your wife cannot be got onboard, then I guess you have to decide to put up with the status quo for however long it lasts, or whether you're going to be seriously reviewing your living arrangements. . .

I often find that using analogies from nature help. And may with your wife.

Your job as a parent is to raise children who become independently able to look after themselves and you are failing as a parent if you don’t do this. This is the ‘fledglings flying the nest’. At some point, the parent has to decide that the fledgling is capable, because of what it has been taught, to jump the nest.

Of course, this fledgling may make a few mistakes and bash itself a few times, may go hungry for a day or two, but that’s part of the growth in responsibility.

Your SD deserves a chance to take this responsibility...it’s the only thing that provides growth. Your wife is failing her (almost definitely not with bad intentions) and so tough love is very relevant here. It might be tough for the sd but it is absolutely based on love and the desire for this person to lead a responsible and fulfilling life

Hi OP

She isn't your daughter and yes you dont get to make parenting decisions for someone else's child

But she isn't a child is she, she's an adult who is taking and taking from you.

It might be different if you lived apart from your wife and had separate finances but your wife has invited another adult to live in your home indefinitely which is hard even when they are contributing. It affects you massively and it's not fair that you dont have any say in it at all.

You need to have another talk with your wife. How long is she going to encourage this behaviour for? As to me she is actually encouraging it. I dont think you can live like this indefinitely. The longer she leaves it then the harder its going to be, the bigger gap there will be on her cv, the harder it will be to find decent person to have relationship with etc. It already sounds unhealthy sitting inside most of the time playing games.

I think you'd be within your rights not to shop for her, not to cook for her, not to give her wifi, to say her bf is only welcome once a week etc. Obviously this isn't going to go down well with your wife but hopefully it wont come to that however you will need to tell her you will do this if she doesn't actively want to look for work or study

@Recyc11ng or @Foresteer23 I suspect that she has regrets regarding her parenting pre me and is compensating now (albeit at the detriment of my wallet and core values)

What does that mean, exactly? You seem to have a very low opinion of your wife and her daughter. And seem to think you were a magic band aid that fixed everything once she met you!

The daughter sounds depressed, or may have anxiety or even ASD as suggested. Not one person this age that I know, lazy or not, is happy to spend 24/7 in her room, isolated from the world playing video games. Shirking a job, maybe. Not seeing friends, nope.

Just seen your updates. It definitely sounds like your wife is the issue. As long as she's happy! At your (literal) expense? This might be making her happy short term but unlikely to make her happy long term. Its basically limiting her choices in the future. And if sitting around gaming makes her happy and she's never going to work, why can't she just move out and do it in her hmown place

If I was your wife and was content that my daughter was leading this life/behaving like this, I wouldn't care what your thoughts on the matter were.

Maybe not, but when Op is paying for everything to keep the household running they get to have an opinion on who they feed, clothe, heat, wash, clear up after.

I have worked with people with depression, anxiety, and more profound mental illness like schizophrenia. I have worked with people with autism. I have worked with people with other learning disabilities. With the right support and the right employer all of these people could find some form of employment.

Work and routine are very important for well being and mental health. Particularly if you don't have a lot of money. This girl may not be depressed now, but she could develop a mental health problem.

If you do approach your wife about this, approach it as a concerned co-parent.

The thing is though. She can't just make her get a job.
Unfortunatley You cant force someone to have ambition. Also she can't wave a magic wand and force employers to give her work, even if she was looking morning noon evening and night for job.

Today 10:50Vulpine

I wouldn't let my own kids do this let alone step kids

Very helpful....

Hang on...op pays for everything? But his wife works too, so are we to assume that she contributes zero to the household budget?

I'd really like to hear your wife and SD side of all this.

You say she 'failed everything' a year at school, but is really bright. That should tell you that all is not well. She lasted one day in a job. That should also ring alarm bells. She sounds like she has some problems. I'm guessing your wife understands them better than you.

I would never refer to my kids as 'living like their in a hotel' etc. Very undermining language. It's a hard world out there for late teens/early twenties. Lack of decent pay, astronomical housing costs and lots of debt. None of the advantages that us older generations had. And quite honestly if my DC was 'happy' on £100 per month, (particularly if they we're struggling in other ways) I'd be well glad