Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wife won’t make stepdaughter get a job

184 replies

Recyc11ng · 26/04/2019 10:48

So I have a stepdaughter of 20. An adorable good natured human being but is bone idle.

She left college last summer (after having an extra year for failing everything). Despite the extra year she achieved nothing. she is so bright but unmotivated.

Her mum and I agreed that she could have a month or two break before getting into work. Since then she has worked one day in a new job then quit. Since then nothing.

It’s almost a year now and it is driving me nuts, even more so as I have a very strong work ethic and don’t believe life is free.

She spends 7 days a week in her bedroom playing minecraft and other games. She never goes out, eats and makes zero contribution to the house whilst her mum and I work (very long hours)

I keep raising with my wife and nothing is being done - it’s as though my wife would be ok if her daughter was still doing the same thing for another 20years.

Tired of talking with nothing being done, tired of stepdaughter taking the P - now at the point where it’s a constant irritation and I have no idea what to do!!

Help!!

OP posts:
NoBaggyPants · 26/04/2019 11:50

You're calling her bone idle, but have you made any effort to understand why she is this way? Because it sounds miserable, and not a lifestyle that she'd choose without reason.

NoBaggyPants · 26/04/2019 11:50

Maybe your wife has more awareness of what's really going on, but doesn't want to tell you because she knows you'll judge?

bibbitybobbityyhat · 26/04/2019 11:52

I'm very confused. Why did you namechange within 4 minutes of starting the thread?

mbosnz · 26/04/2019 11:52

One thing you can do, is say to your wife that you're happy to cook for you and your wife, but you're not cooking for her daughter, unless her daughter contributes - by helping prep, and cleaning up afterwards.

(If your wife is like me, and actually doesn't enjoy cooking, isn't any great shakes at it, compared to her husband, who does love cooking and has an innate flair for it, this may well give her pause and motivation to be on board with this.)

SinkGirl · 26/04/2019 11:53

This is really sad, she’s missing out on so much and one day she will look back on this and feel gutted that she wasted so much time.

By her age I’d nearly finished my degree. I worked hard until I was 29 when my worsening health meant I had to stop working and was mainly house bound as she is. For nearly 5 years I did nothing. It was soul destroying. I look back now and it breaks my heart. Thank goodness I didn’t waste years before that.

DistanceCall · 26/04/2019 11:53

Problem is - I suspect the response will be as long as she’s happy I don’t care if she works or not - then what? I can’t live with that

If she says that, you need to tell your wife that she's not doing her child any favours. She needs to get a life, and in order to get a life she needs to do something to earn money.

Even if your wife intends to subsidise her child until she dies, what happens when she dies? And what kind of sad life will her child have if she just stays at home with mummy, doing nothing all day?

girlwithadragontattoo · 26/04/2019 11:54

Stop doing her washing and cooking. She needs to do this herself. You need to explain this to your wife.
If she's giving her £100 a month to do what she wants with it can you pay £100 less into the house? My logic behind this is your wife might start to see the financial implications of this as technically she's then giving her £100 of her own money rather than family money.
She sounds like she has an easy life, i can see why your DSD won't go to work

EL8888 · 26/04/2019 11:56

If you won’t get onboard then l vote you quit you job and relax at home. Lie in bed until late, watch the snooker, play golf etc. If it’s ok for your step daughter to do it then why isn’t it for you?

EL8888 · 26/04/2019 11:56

Sorry missed out the word wife in getting onboard

cakeandchampagne · 26/04/2019 11:56

It is not not normal and not healthy. She needs professional help (if there are mental or physical problems) and/or strong encouragement & new responsibility rules so she can begin a fuller adult life.

AryaStarkWolf · 26/04/2019 11:57

If you won’t get onboard then l vote you quit you job and relax at home. Lie in bed until late, watch the snooker, play golf etc. If it’s ok for your step daughter to do it then why isn’t it for you?

.........

Foresteer23 · 26/04/2019 11:57

Yes she has a BF who always stuffed up
Uni and has no prospects - he spend quite a lot of time here too - getting wines and dined at the free hotel

MyFavouriteDress1 · 26/04/2019 12:01

she hasn’t been socialised properly, actually talking to people face to face is hard for her and I know that her over protective mum has played a massive part in this. She really is just unprepared, and not equipped to deal with life. Zero interpersonal skills (unless via webcam and headphones)

I'm thinking autism.

beachysandy81 · 26/04/2019 12:02

It's really sad that she has no aspiration and no plan. Your wife is doing her no favours. She needs some tough love. No money should be given to her and no Wifi. She will soon want to work. Unfortunately, hard to do without your wife on board.

Foresteer23 · 26/04/2019 12:04

It’s easy to misinterpret what’s written - trust me there an health issues here - no depression, no autism, just lazy with no knee in the back

anxiousbean · 26/04/2019 12:05

I think you need to talk to you wife about why it is really bad for your SD and that you both need to help her. She is wasting her life and opportunities and it is unfair of your wife to facilitate this. Try not to focus on the unfairness of it (I can understand why it is annoying!) but rather than on a parent's responsibility to help their children.

My son could be a bit like this - and I think it is my job to help him out of it as it is really not a healthy way to live

Foresteer23 · 26/04/2019 12:06

And to add insult to injury - when SD finished (well failed actually) higher education, her real father stopped maintenance payments (which I have no issue with) and my wife didn’t bat an eyelid 🤷‍♂️

Downthecanal · 26/04/2019 12:08

I'm thinking autism

Not necessarily. My brother was the same it’s just called entitlement

Whatsnewpussyhat · 26/04/2019 12:08

Yes she has a BF who always stuffed up
Uni and has no prospects - he spend quite a lot of time here too - getting wines and dined at the free hotel

So the are both happy doing fuck all. Stop feeding the bf. Stop funding this.Tell him to go home and eat.

Ragwort · 26/04/2019 12:09

The crucial issue for YOU is how you deal with this situation if your wife is happy with it. Thankfully my DH and I are on board in the way we raise our DS but for step parents this situation is fraught with difficulty. I doubt I could truly respect my life partner if they facilitated a perfectly competent adult to just laze their life away (& entertaining their boy/girl friend at our expense Shock).

Ultimately you are going to have decide if this is how you want to live the rest of your life (did you post before about this? There was a very similar thread recently).

Newnyham · 26/04/2019 12:18

MyFavouriteDress1 I agree, it sounds a lot like ASD.

Maybe open your mind a bit OP to the idea that something else might be at play that would help you understand why DSD is like this.

Talk to her mum and research traits of ASD, so many women/girls slip through school without a diagnosis because they often present differently to boys who often show more typical traits.

I'm not saying this to excuse her behaviour. But it would help everyone involved to move forwards and get out of your current grid lock.

Maybe your DP knows that your DSD isn't neurotypical and that's why she's funding her current lifestyle - she doesn't know how else to help.

PandyCuff · 26/04/2019 12:25

I would love to hear your wife and step daughter's perception of the situation

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 26/04/2019 12:25

I'd give her an ultimatum - start working and contributing or move out.

I know you can't when she's not your child - it must be so frustrating for you.
Does your wife not understand that she's doing her daughter absolutely no favours? The longer she leaves it, the harder it's going to be to find a job at all.

As for suffering from anxiety/depression, might have known someone would come up with this! Some people just are'bone idle, and if they're enabled by over-indulgent parents, they'll go on being bone idle!

i know someone with a SD like this - gets jobs but never keeps them, too 'boring' or CBA to turn up on time - pays nothing for her keep, and yet constantly given money by the stupid parent who just can't say no.

Snog · 26/04/2019 12:26

I would insist that she does the majority of the housework and the cooking if you are both working full time and she is not working.

This doesn't sound like a healthy or happy lifestyle for a youngster though. It sounds like she needs some support to move forward with her life and may even have mental health problems. There are various charities that can mentor people looking for work eg the Richmond Fellowship and others.

The status quo is also not a good reflection on your wife's mental health. Is she worried about having an empty nest?

Roussette · 26/04/2019 12:27

I just have to add, there are lazy self entitled 20 year olds out there. Yes, she could have ASD but yes she could just be bone idle.