Wife won’t make stepdaughter get a job

[Recyc11ng]

So I have a stepdaughter of 20. An adorable good natured human being but is bone idle.

She left college last summer (after having an extra year for failing everything). Despite the extra year she achieved nothing. she is so bright but unmotivated.

Her mum and I agreed that she could have a month or two break before getting into work. Since then she has worked one day in a new job then quit. Since then nothing.

It’s almost a year now and it is driving me nuts, even more so as I have a very strong work ethic and don’t believe life is free.

She spends 7 days a week in her bedroom playing minecraft and other games. She never goes out, eats and makes zero contribution to the house whilst her mum and I work (very long hours)

I keep raising with my wife and nothing is being done - it’s as though my wife would be ok if her daughter was still doing the same thing for another 20years.

Tired of talking with nothing being done, tired of stepdaughter taking the P - now at the point where it’s a constant irritation and I have no idea what to do!!

Help!!

And you said I suspect that she has regrets regarding her parenting pre me and is compensating now that doesn't indicate you having had a conversation, that implies you making nothing more than a guess at how you believe she feels.

Wording is important, and I wouldn't have picked up on it if you had said that you had discussed it, and she told you she had regrets.

@differentnameforthis - hey I am not attempting to vilifyi anybody- I do however feel strongly about a difficult situation. So Rather than laying into anybody I have tried to seek counsel and establish if I am in fact being unreasonable or if I am the problem. That’s not the actions of somebody who is encouraging total randoms to “lay into” people I love it’s the actions of somebody who simply wanted advice / views to help me get to the right / best place.

If my comments have been misleading, that’s unfortunate. The upshot is I just want to do the right thing for a tricky situation.

You differentname I know OP 'heavily implied' that he paid for everything. But early on he said his wife worked and gave money to the daughter. I think it is preferable for OP to have everyone believe he pays for his wife and step daughter. I wanted to remind people, that this is likely not the case. I have the same view of this situation as you. It IS infantalising of his wife. She shouldn't have to put up with OP telling her what is best for her daughter anymore than he should have to put up with a situation he doesn't like. I'd tolerate NO+ONE blackmailing me with WiFi passwords, to force me on a course of action which I didn't think was in the best interest of my children. He'd be out on his ear, with his bloody router stuck up his ass

*MISOGYNY is the hatred of WOMEN

My role in this family has been to provide love, warmth and security without condition. I have cleared £50 k worth of debt, managed violent ex husbands, and supported my step kids in everything that they want and need. My only issue here is that we had a plan to get SD on a journey to independence (however long that takes) but it hasn’t been fulfilled.

Then I'm afraid it might only be your plan, that your wife agreed to so as to make you happy, and not really "our" plan at all. If your wife has been in an abusive background then at times she may feel unable to express her feelings and views when they are at odds with yours.

As you realise, the great things you've done don't bring you the ability to decide what your wife does for her DD. If your wife works long hours and brings money in to the house then she can choose to support her DD, and it's up to her if she cooks and launders for DD. You don't have to do those things yourself, but you can't stop your wife doing them. Maybe she just wants her DD to have the ease and happiness that she didn't have herself. Or maybe she agrees that it would be better if DD went out and worked but she feels there's something different about her DD that stops her, only it's something she can't fully articulate or explain to you (or even to herself). That's not necessarily ideal for her DD, but if that's how your wife feels then you wont get anywhere just by making "agreements" because your wife wont really have bought into them.

I have created a true democracy in our home

Ouch - that comes across badly. I'm sure you have put things in place and tried to create such a environment. But what looks like a true democracy to you could look very different to the other members of the household.

where everybody has a voice and we talk about everything.

But is everybody really as articulate as you are? When you talk about things, do you talk as much about feelings as you talk about plans and actions and agreements? And does everybody spend as much time listening as they do talking?

I am wondering if there's a bit of passive resistance going on from your wife. People who can't express what they mean, or who are afraid that they will not really be listened to, tend to do that.

What actions were included in 'The Plan' that have been rescinded?

Then I'd change the password back. You are assuming his wife doesn't know it/how to do it.

She probably knows how but if he has changed the password she can't change it without knowing the one he has changed it to.

I changed ours to 'wanker' when I was stuck with the ex and was very happy to tell him it when he eventually asked. That was the router password, not the WiFi password in fact.

If this girl is your wife’s last child it could be that your wife suffers the empty nest syndrome. She rather wants her to stay and are in denial.

*is in denial

If this girl is your wife’s last child it could be that your wife suffers the empty nest syndrome. She rather wants her to stay and are in denial

Or the daughter could just be lazy rather then any of the raft of makey uppy afflictions that prevents her from putting down the games controller and getting a job.

OP does SD have any siblings? If so, what do they think... Or is she an only child?

Does your wife feel guilty about splitting from or staying with her ex? Have you explored that?

I think OP is getting a very hard time here.

@PandyCuff - MISOGYNY is the hatred of WOMEN You are right, I misread the word.

However, I don't see how any of my comments indicate hatred towards women or girls, so I wonder if op has his wording wrong.

I think OP is getting a very hard time here. Really? Most posters have agreed with him, and called the woman lazy, idle etc. Only a select few have gone against him and challenged his need for her to work. I don't how that translates into hard time for him!

I would approach this by saying life seems to be passing your SD by. Sitting in her room playing computer games all day is a poor life for a twenty year old. She should have friends, be dating, have aspirations.

@Foresteer23 - there is no need to contact me off thread to ask questions. I am happy to answer them here! And I am not offended either, so...

With regards to the drip feeding, I mean this:

-my insight regarding DW having regrets relating to historic parenting is factual and is directly from a discussion with DW

I have cleared £50 k worth of debt, managed violent ex husbands, and supported my step kids in everything that they want and need

As I said, you didn't mention anywhere regarding having a discussion with your wife where she stated she regretted her parenting, you said suspect which is not the same as knowing.

The fact that your wife comes from abusive marriages is VERY important, as a poster touch upon a little while ago, this may have an effect on how she stands up for herself & her family, and communicates with you.

You are very articulate, and she may find this intimidating, therefore agreeing in order to not cause conflict. You seem to think of yourself as some kind of savior of this family, and therefore should be obeyed at all times.

It may be that her daughter suffered because of the abuse her mother received and therefore has a barrier of some kind.

You also fail to say what your wife pays for and still insist you pay for and do everything.

Look, you might be the loveliest man in the world, I don't know you! However, coming on here calling your step daughter lazy etc, and criticizing your wife's way of parenting is not on! You say you haven't vilified anyone, but you haven't stooped a thread full of strangers from picking at your wife/her parenting and stepdaughter's behaviour, and have actually thanked them for it. It just leaves a bitter taste is all I'm saying...

*stopped

However, I don't see how any of my comments indicate hatred towards women or girls, so I wonder if op has his wording wrong

A Freudian slip maybe differentnameforthis

@PandyCuff I can only assume so.

Suggest SD tries the services of REMPLOY who can help.those disengaged from training and work by placements with sympathetic employers. They also have specific support for SN, MH and participants get a support worker/ coach.

Our local careers / futures services were great for apprenticeship& training opportunities.

There is always a reason behind this type of behaviour. My so is 18. He has had two jobs since he officially left school in 2017, each lasted about a day. College lasted a week.

However, he has huge issues with anxiety and he is not happy with his life. currently, I am supporting him to engage in an online course and helping him to look for part tie work.

My son is not claiming any benefits, simply because working and studying part time would be a much gentler and more appropriate way of helping him to re-engage with society. Yet, if OP's step daughter has no underlying issues, why is she not claiming UC and, being prompted by representatives of the government to find work?

Failure to launch enabled by a mother who feels bad bout the dds childhood. Mine live away now, but over the Easter Holidays one was ill and a small part of me really enjoyed always knowing where he was and looking after him. Until Mum wants her living a fulfilling life, it’s unlikely to happen.

I remember being 19 and really struggling, couldn’t work out at the time what was wrong with me but nothing seemed to fall into place. Then I came off the pill and it was like a black cloud had lifted from over me ... I’d try and see if there’s more to it than being lazy if you can approach it gently

In no particular order, here are some possible kickstarts
•Health check
•ICS
•Jobcentre
•volunteering
•dog walking/ cleaning/ volunteering for festival tickets.
•housework
•cooking

If DD failed at education and has grown up with an inability to socialize, this may warrant some extra back up for best results.

If there is a bf involved and she feels in any way out of her depth or unable/unwilling to participate in society but has that connection, the danger I can see is: any push that is sufficiently big doesn't necessarily leave her with "no option but to comply". It might push her towards a crappy life with bf. Also if eg bf is abusive or thr relationship is unhealthy and this is common experience of DW and DD this might be something you don't entirely know about, but ignoring this for a second.

You are right to want to foster independence, but it sounds like it might need to be done gently with no sharp shock. There is the possibility here of her ending up with an isolated life on benefits with someone who is just a worse enabler. Worse still, with time on her hands looking for stuff to do. Someone like this whi has no life skills or independent mindedness is a lamb to the slaughter in so many ways.

So don't encourage her to get involved with the benefits system as PP have advised, this is a bad thing as far as encouraging independence in a young person who is a bit wafty. Talk to DW about the profound, dangerous disability of total reliance on others, what happens if you both die etc., listen to her concerns and coax then out in their fullness, and come to a compromise that starts getting your daughter (which she presumably is to you in some sense) onto a path towards self-sufficient adulthood without wandering off into the woods.

You will all be far, far better off if you can get her to do a bit more, make some work friends, save some money towards university or a house etc. than you were before, even if it is baby steps. It might need to be baby steps and you should in my opinion reconcile yourself with that.

Well everybody I would like to thank you all for your views and opinions. You certainly have given me an awful lot to to think about, there are angles and dynamics that would have just never occurred to me. Perhaps I may be a little bit of a blunt instrument at times and need to approach this issue from a less practical perspective.
Here’s hoping our family can find a way that works for all of us and is based on fairness and achievable.

On balance, my AIBU question has brought me to the conclusion that I am probably on the unreasonable side of the line. As emotive as the thread and responses have been, it’s been so very worthwhile.

Thanks again and good luck with stuff.

PS @differentnameforthis - you should be in loose women mate (please take that as a compliment, it’s truly meant as one) 😁