That one poster...

[StillCoughingandLaughing]

... on every regular MN thread who crops up with a ridiculous, irrelevant or ‘jokey’ comment that’s so annoying you want to eat your own face. Example:

OP is worried about a legal issue. Up pops that one poster who insists on informing us: ‘This wouldn’t be an issue on Scotland’. Well, that’s genius advice, isn’t it? All the OP has to do is master time travel, go back to before said issue occurs and move to West Lothian first! Or, if she’s mastered time travel, go back and make sure the issue doesn’t happen in the first sodding place.

On a non-drivers thread, someone says they don’t need to drive because they live in central London, and don’t have the money or the space for a car anyway. That one poster chimes in with ‘Well that’s all very well, but what would you do if you lived in a one-street village with buses twice a decade?’ At a wild guess, I’d suggest maybe they wouldn’t move from central London to said village! Or if for some reason they did, maybe it might just be the incentive to learn to drive that hadn’t had before?

On a door answering thread, someone says they don’t answer the door after the dark if they’re not expecting anyone because they live in a rough area. That one poster: ‘You miserable, unsociable lot! Don’t your neighbours ever just pop in for a cuppa? What if it’s a little girl looking for her lost cat? What if the old lady up the road baked you a cake? Bless, she’s probably lonely’. It’s never some scrote on the scrounge, is it?

OP’s mother-in-law criticises her child-rearing, cooking, housekeeping, sexual morals etc. Unless the husband cuts his mother permanently out of his life, that one poster will appear to decree that ‘You don’t have a MIL problem - you have a DH problem’. So hang on, it’s his fault she’s a rotten old bitch?

OP asks ‘Is my sister a bitch for doing XYZ?’ Most people say ‘Yes’. Someone says ‘Actually, I can see her point’. That one poster ‘hilariously’ dives in with ‘Are YOU the OP’s sister?!’ Yes, because that’s the most likely possibility on a site used by millions. It couldn’t possibly just be someone with a different view to the majority.

Any others?

I hate the 'I don't know who that celebrity is' bullshit too. Like they have the upper hand and are morally superior because they don't know who Kylie Jenner is. I am not a Jenner/Kardashian fan, but I know who they are because I don't live in an underground cave in the Antarctic.

And 'I am so glad I am single' when someone has a couple problem winds me up too.

'Wow just wow.'

'Give your head a wobble.'

People slagging off a poster referring to their mates/female colleagues as 'girls.'

The vulva police. (Have they not SEEN the 'great wall of vagina?!')

'Why did you have children with this man?'

Ooooh, and my fave....... a poster says 'I was walking in tesco today and an old man rammed me with his trolley, and when I said 'ouch' he said 'get out of my way then you ugly fat cow,' and punched me in the chest, sending me flying into the shelves. I ended up with a broken wrist and spent 3 hours in A & E.' There is always one poster that says 'YABU to all him OLD, how rude. And you do know he probably had a mental health problem/autism/dementia. What a horrible person you sound OP. Shame on you.'

'You must have SOMEONE who can look after your kids for you/bail you out financially/lend you some money.'

'It must be so nice to have such a trivial issue. First world problems. What are you gonna do when you have a REAL problem OP?'

There are so many!

Oh and as a pp said, it is not illegal to open someone else's post! Only opening it and doing something malicious with it is illegal. It's rude and nosey to open it, but not illegal.

The use of 'no?'

So fucking patronising!

The ones that pop up on a thread where the OP is undoubtedly BU that says

“ you’re having a hard time OP “ then prattles on about how they think the OP actually has a point.

‘If it was a man asking this question, the responses would be very different’

And what a pp said about people taking offence at calling a group of females ‘girls’

The strange notion that the second your child becomes 18 they instantly must become totally independent of you, you mustn't help them with anything, look out for them, worry about them, feed them, do their washing or anything.

I literally have never met anyone in real life who would act like that, I would have hated to grow up in a family like that and I'm sure my own DC feel the same

People who post “that’s the most stupid thing I’ve ever read on MN”.
Really? Is it? Is it really?

The poster who comes onto a thread where people are discussing a TV programme, recent film, result of a TV reality type show to berate posters and bleat about how they haven't watched it yet and were going to watch it in three years time and now it's ruined for them. Tough, if you don't want to know don't go onto SM or anywhere that may be discussing it, use your common sense and stop trying to enforce your own personal embargo onto others.

When a fairly light-hearted or interesting thread is going on and that poster comes on to, as TitOfTheIceBerg said, carefully edge round to get a grip on the wrong end of the stick, get offended about what they you meant to say, and then plunge everyone into a sinkhole about their tenuously related horrendous experience. E.g. "My kids are driving me mad with their blimmin Nerf guns!" cue: "As a child my entire family were killed in a freak Nerf gun accident it's incredibly triggering for me to hear about them, actually etc etc."

And following on from that, lighthearted threads where there always has to be one poster who comes along with the most depressing story imaginable. E.g. OP: what did you wrongly used to believe as a child? Everyone else posts funny cute things they believed then That One Poster turns up with: 'That my parents loved me; 18 years of abuse and then total abandonment before I discovered the truth '. Then every one has to stop posting funny stuff a do lots of 'sorry to hear about your terrible childhood '

Great thread OP

I haven't been around that long but one that annoys the hell out of me is when a poster just comments 'cool story bro'.

Instantly patronising!

The ones that say "OK OP, I'll bite". As if they are the only ones courageous or clever enough to respond to a goady thread.

OP: My baby sleeps for 15 minutes at a time, I am losing the will to live. DH works shifts so none of us are getting much sleep. Any advice on sleep training?

That one poster: when mine were young, my dh worked nights but as soon as he came home in the morning, he took over completely and I slept/did a yoga class/met friends for lunch. He did dinner and bathtime. My DH appreciated me because I had had HIS child. He survived on 1 hour sleep a day in dc's first year - that's what real dads do.

Posters who clearly have no concept that not everyone has the same levels of disposable income as they do amuse and frustrate me in equal measure. E.g.

"I'm having a shit self-catering holiday because DH is leaving me to do all the cooking and childcare" will invariably get several responses of "why didn't you book a hotel?"/"next time go all-inclusive" without any acknowledgement that a self-catering holiday might be all the OP and her family could afford. Or a poster struggling with a tiring public transport commute will be told to "learn to drive and get a car" as if shelling out several hundreds of pounds at best, and easily more, is within everyone's reach at the snap of their fingers.

I haven't been around that long but one that annoys the hell out of me is when a poster just comments 'cool story bro'.

Instantly patronising!

I quite like it. Some people deserve a patronising response, when they post made up nonsense and think that mumsnet is full of dim mummies who will fall for it.

When someone or a loved one late at night is really ill, in pain and asks for advice. There are always a few who say do not bother the NHS it is overstretched. They could be putting a life at risk.

What about when someone says “to want to punch someone” and it’s CLEARLY A JOKE and 100 posters come on the shame the OP for being abusive blah blah bloody blah

Yes, Trinpy, YES

being diagnosed with a MH condition automatically and invariably turns you from a considerate, kind person into a selfish wanker.
And of course conversely, everyone WITHOUT an MH condition must be an angel of lightness and self denial.

Oh, when someone's having a bit of a moan about not losing weight - loads of us have been there, we all want a winge about it sometimes. That poster will soon be along to outline a diet and exercise programme for them as if the OP had never heard of Diet Coke or apples or walking, and it just needs some blithe twit on the internet to wave away all the self-sabotaging or comfort eating issues the OP might be trying to work through.

For me it’s when someone posts an eighteen inch long post complaining about their s/o then spends the next umpteen posts defending them/not acknowledging any advice because they love them/they make them laugh once a year/they take the bin out.

The next day they post a similar thread with name changed.....and the cycle goes on....

cancel the cheque

That one poster who says...I've NC for this.

No-one cares that you have name changed, I mean really, no-one cares...just put your point across or start a new thread love

I hate when someone comments, "I think the OP is getting a hard time here." Sometimes the OP deserves to get a hard time because she/he is behaving like an unreasonable jerk. Maybe I'll start commenting, "I think the OP is getting a hard time her. Because she's an unreasonable jerk." 🤔

I agree with PP, chastising people for calling women girls is silly.

When the person's partner is behaving selfishly in one isolated situation and people respond with LTB. No one behaves perfectly all the time. That doesn't mean the person is not generally a good person who is generally a good partner. I'd certainly hate for my worth to be judged based on my less-than-proud moments.

Threads where someone mentions her husband spent 1.53789 hours on his hobby (always unnamed because it's soo unusual that naming it would be outing) and a posted responds with, "when do you get your 1.53789 hours to do your hobby?" Or the threads where someone posts that she bought cookies/chocolate, etc., and her partner ate more than his FAIR SHARE! Do people really keep score in their relationships like that?

I agree @alligatorsmile - "you just need to eat less and move more!". We all know that, but it's harder for some people than others to put it into practice. And the people who pop up on weight loss threads just to say they've always been a size 6, it's easy.

The ones on the celeb threads who are all "I don't know who this person is". Why click on a thread about eg. Katie Price if you don't know/don't care?

I will never forget the thread I read a while back where a poster was complaining that she was completely unable to lose weight around her middle, which was bloated. And she was starting to worry that it wasn't just fat. Loads of people were gently suggesting she get checked out and then someone came along to tell her how she was unbelievably overweight, how she was the same height and couldn't even move if she was that weight.

Sure enough, a short while later it transpired that the original poster was not, in fact, a huge lard-arse but turned out to be suffering from advanced ovarian cancer.

Standard MN replies that the poster obviously thinks are witty but contribute nothing to the discussion drive me nuts.

For example, someone posts about their child being fed junk food. Guaranteed less than 5 posts in and someone will have replied 'it isn't crack cocaine, OP'.

Same with 'are you on glue', 'you're so judgemental' and 'cancel the cheque'.

Or when a poster posts about a situation that's upset them, and 'User1234567' gets offended because they did a vaguely similar thing once and so the OP must be criticising them directly. Realistically, who gives a shit about User1234567?

I remember once someone wrote about a waitress being rude to them. Then a poster came on and said she was a waitress and her profession was being criticised. End result: lots of posters complimenting her and saying she must be a great waitress, completely derailing the OP's thread.

Or shit excuses given for poor behaviour. I remember one thread when a child smashed a glass pane in a school. It was apparently acceptable for the parent to ignore this as they might be stressed/have an MH issue/be late for work, completely ignoring that someone could have been seriously injured.