To be a bit sad that my parents didn't push me more as a child?

[Cleopatramanuf]

I've been reflecting on everything lately and feel a bit sad, like I've missed out on things which I could have been really great at and enjoyed.

For example, in primary school, I was very good at athletics. I was always chosen to represent my school at athletics competitions and would often get through to the final against the best other kids in the (very large) county and win. My sports teacher at the time was always telling me and my parents that I have great aptitude and that I should really keep up athletics after leaving primary school. My high school didn't have any athletics and so I asked my parents if I could go to one out of school. They agreed but I was very shy and came home and told them that I enjoyed it but felt shy. Rather than encouraging me to keep going, my mum just said 'oh well, you should quit then, no fun to be doing it on your own'. Now I wish she'd encouraged me to stick at it, I could have done really well!

Another thing, gymnastics as a child. I loved it. My mum stopped taking me because the centre was a bit grimy. I begged her to let me carry on but she just said no after that rather than looking for a different centre for me to go to.

Another example, I went to a cycling velodrome as a kid with a friend's parent and won loads of the races. The instructor came up to my friend's mum specifically to tell her that I showed real possibility and should go back. When she told my mum, my mum just scoffed and said 'bet they say that to all the kids' and left it there. I never got to go back.

A further one, when I was studying for my GCSEs, I told her that I wanted to be either a doctor or a vet. She immediately told me that I wasn't clever enough for that which really demotivated me when revising. I still did very well and in hindsight, with her encouragement, would have had a very good chance of getting into these careers. I am actually pretty bright!

There's so many similar examples and whenever I watch competitions or videos of all these people talking about their life or competing at a high level, I get a twinge of sadness that that maybe could have been me. I feel sad that she didn't push me to develop my talents and encourage me to reach my goals.

Of course a primary aged child cannot “make it happen”. And how exactly does a child under the age of 11 “push themselves” more when their parent is not allowing them access to the equipment, tuition etc that they need? A 7 year old cant drive herself to the velodrome.

I agree with this. You were getting loads of unsympathetic posts initially.

I feel my parents were too laissez faire about careers. It has impacted on my life, but I still have a great relationship with them and appreciate the things they were really good at teaching us (emotional literacy, questioning authority, loyalty etc)

Watch what you do with your own kids; there is a balance to be found with pushing your kids.

Can you find ground where your parents really did well by you? It’s ok to be critical of your upbringing whilst still valuing what was solid.

Hello, this is the first time I have ever commented on one of these threads. I haven't read all the comments though so forgive me if I am irrelevant or repetitive.

I totally understand where you are coming from. I was a shy child who used to give up hobbies very quickly because I was too reserved and lacking in confidence to go for it. My husband was a very sporty child who did well at stuff but didn't go down any particular route to achieve highly in sport. However, he took up rowing in his late 30s and worked so hard at it that he has represented both England and Wales at the equivalent of the Commonwealth games. Now he's given up rowing and does triathlon and has represented Britain in his age group in a few different international events. It is possible to do this now. It might not be the Olympics but it's pretty awesome and satisfying.

It sounds like you might retrain as a doctor or vet, which would probably take up most of your time, but if you decide to go for sport instead then all sorts of this are possible!

Late 20s not 30s!

I have worked with elite athletes.They have talent - sure, but do do lots of People.Withouy exception they have fire in their bellies.Theu are not the sort of people who need mummy and daddy pushing them., They are insatiably hungry for it

I get that to succeed at high level sports an individual needs to be highly driven but very few can get there without the support of mummy and daddy. What about all the sacrifices of time and money that parents make to give them the opportunity in the first place.

Not all parents are able to do this for various reasons and not all parents that could do it actually want to as the commitment and sacrifices are too much. I know a friend who is going without a holiday this year to pay for her DDs replacement violin and to pay for expensive tuition. DHs niece is a gymnast and her training dictates family life. They sometimes struggle with the fees and do without holidays and luxuries like eating out and new clothes to afford it. On the other hand a friend has actively discouraged her DD from continuing with dance lessons because she finds it to tiresome to take her there and would rather spend the money on other things.

backintime of course patents have to provide masses of support ( often this is at the expense of the athletes siblings). But if tho op was driven , she would have insisted that her parents kept taking her.instead it seems like she was whiniging about not knowing anyone and being shy, and rolled over when they pulled her out
Ditto with her high school studies.lots of kids are highly motivated themselves.

@Dana seriously? Do you have any idea what would have happened if I 'insisted' my emotionally abusive mother kept taking me to and paying for my sports? I had to tiptoe around her and second guess every word that came out of my mouth before I said it for fear of setting her off on one of her explosive reactions.

To everyone else who has been kind and encouraging, thank you!

“I have to agree with above pp dana, if you want something enough and have the talent you will get there. You are an adult now nothing stopping you. Stop dwelling on what your parents should or shouldn't have done.”

Rubbish. People are talking about triathalons, LD running, martial arts, at far lower levels than the OP is referring to, and generally heavily populated by older competitors at lower standards.

You’re telling me at the age of 25 I could be a top seeded tennis player having not been coached or practised or in competitions from the age of 7-25? You know that’s rubbish. Same for football, rugby, cricket, swimming, diving, most track athletics, etc etc etc

I do understand the op, however, its all a very big IF, what if your parents had pushed you? pre puberty loads of kids do well, then hormones and body shape take over, friends, boys or girls get in the way and all that (alleged) talent goes south.

If you had had real ability at cycling, British Cycling would have signed you up in a flash (they run ALL the velodrome sessions) also, i doubt very much you were winning races after one day at a velodrome, it takes loads of time and practise to ride a fixed wheel track bike on the banking & accreditation is required to prove you are safe among other riders, before you can race for proper - you'd need to be in a club as well and BC don't allow racing at say Maindy first time out on normal bikes.

My DD raced extensively with BC and did an awful lot of Athletics & XC with her running club, she had talent but not enough to be a professional athlete, so now does both for fun and the odd event and is more than happy to do so, she recently won a race in France, not much younger than you.

Stop moaning at your lot and start doing sport, i'm in my 50s and i'm just off to Mallorca cycling next week and in june will be competing in a world class race in the Pyrenees, hopefully i wont come last :)

@cleopstramanuf
You must have said something to make her stop taking you. Why did she take you at all otherwise?

Wow, you could have been a vet. A doctor. An olympic gymnast. A top class, olympian athlete...AND an olympic cyclist!!!
I can’t believe your amazing, way above average talents..in all these areas..didn’t gift you extra help or a scholarship or a plan?!
Yeah it’s your parents fault. You told them you didnt enjoy yourself so they cancelled it 🤔 you’re obviously VERY naturally gifted in so many many areas, why has noone picked up on it?

I’m with you OP.

I was really talented at a particular sport during Primary.

When I went to secondary school they no longer had this sport as part of their curriculum. I wasn’t encouraged, age 12 to continue. I wanted to continue but at 12 didn’t know how to go about it. I decided when I was about 13 to walk to my local sports centre (where I used to go in Primary) to look into starting up again but there was no encouragement from parents or anyone. I just felt a bit flat about it.

I really do think, if my parents had been hugely supportive and encouraged me, I would have continued. My Dad never came to any of the competitions I entered, only my Mum.

Another thing I was thinking about the other day, a bit off topic. 70’s child here, had a big part in a school play, in fact had quite a few. Not one photo from any of those plays was developed. The little reels were in the house for years but never taken to the chemist. Presume they were eventually binned

Think you’re Mixing all the different posts up amanduh, OP didn’t post all of those things

Dana The OP has already explain the situation with regards to her DM and TBH not many parents will just give in to a whinging 7 year old. A parent has to be able to listen to their child to distinguish between whims and a genuine interest in pursuing something.

OP if you were really good, you would have been moved to run a year or two up. If that didn’t happen, (and it sounds like it didn’t), you haven’t missed your calling.

And the fact you can’t decide whether your Olympic glory was going to be in athletics, gymnastics or cycling goes to show that really, you actually had no commitment to any of them. I was good at ballet when I was 5, I was also pretty handy with a ribbon in rhythmic gymnastics but was never going to set the world alight.

I did swim the Channel age 41 mind.

Will add finally, whilst you may have been good at primary school, that was pre-puberty. Your body post puberty (and that of your competitors) is totally different. Being a good runner age 8, doesn’t automatically transpose into being a top athlete age 16.

If you had had real ability at cycling, British Cycling would have signed you up in a flash (they run ALL the velodrome sessions) also, i doubt very much you were winning races after one day at a velodrome, it takes loads of time and practise to ride a fixed wheel track bike on the banking & accreditation is required to prove you are safe among other riders, before you can race
You're , it is weeks of training and accreditation before they let you race, getting you used to single speeds with no brakes or freehub. i remember looking up the process and it was pretty involved. The idea that the op was allowed to turn up and race isn't credible at all, suggesting a bit of misrembering or misrepresentation is going on.

OP isn't talking about parents who were merely laissez-faire. She's said repeatedly that they were abusive & she (OP) had severe MH issues as a result.

Awful lot of tall poppy syndrome on this thread. I suspect it was part of the OP's parents' repertoire as well.

Some people might get there despite their parents being laissez faire but to get to top level athletics at a young age when your parents are actively abusive? That's not about a lack of drive, it's about having any nascent drive stripped away from you.

Many talented athletes make decisions about which sports they will actually go for, but if you're genuinely athletic chances are you will be good at various sports. There is substantial cross over between cycling and rowing for example because the necessary physical attributes are similar.

Why this need to tear people down?

Huge drip feed there OP. Clearly you have some difficult family issues.

Hardly @Loopytiles, if you'd rtft you'd see id mentioned it multiple times from very early on

Cleo, the thread has now got so long that people cba to read it - you can officially just disregard the comments by any newcomers to a thread after about 100 posts

The David Tennant/Michael Sheen podcast was a good example of how two nice, positive people who are pretty impressive achievers can still place themselves in the position of a child who's reliant on their parents, and might restore your faith in humanity if you fancy a listen. Listen right to the end (it's admittedly quite long) as Sheen's ending is worthy of a highly paid motivational speaker .
play.acast.com/s/davidtennant/michaelsheen

So this isn’t actually about sports at all is it. It’s about the fact that you believe that your mother was abusive to you.

And if your mother was abusive then not doing sports would have been the least of your worries.

I think that It really would be useful for you to think about what sort of relationship you want with your mother going forward and whether dwelling on this is helpful

holds head in hands

There are some people who come on mumsnet just to gloat and be right OP. Purposeful misunderstanding. Really horrible.

Cleopatramanuf, I'd just like to congratulate you for your great achievements in life so far despite the fact of your life. You are very, very young and you can do anything you want. It may not be in sports you'd want and in world games but there could be. I've never been any good at sports but I know of people who started roller derby in their 20's and do take part in internationally. I know how painful and damaging it is to have unsupportive parents, and how that may affect us right into our adult lives. It's so important for our physical and mental health to learn how to live with them with the least damage to ourselves. It's natural to look back and evaluate your life and relationships, and that's what you've done. Please do consider seeing a good therapist to help you to resolve/talk your issues as a preventative measure against anxiety and depression later on. Your parents should have supported you like your friend's parents did. Some of us are not as lucky as she was and every time I see them, I wish them well and feel so happy for them. I'm really proud of you, admire you and respect you. Thank you for your post.