To be a bit sad that my parents didn't push me more as a child?

[Cleopatramanuf]

I've been reflecting on everything lately and feel a bit sad, like I've missed out on things which I could have been really great at and enjoyed.

For example, in primary school, I was very good at athletics. I was always chosen to represent my school at athletics competitions and would often get through to the final against the best other kids in the (very large) county and win. My sports teacher at the time was always telling me and my parents that I have great aptitude and that I should really keep up athletics after leaving primary school. My high school didn't have any athletics and so I asked my parents if I could go to one out of school. They agreed but I was very shy and came home and told them that I enjoyed it but felt shy. Rather than encouraging me to keep going, my mum just said 'oh well, you should quit then, no fun to be doing it on your own'. Now I wish she'd encouraged me to stick at it, I could have done really well!

Another thing, gymnastics as a child. I loved it. My mum stopped taking me because the centre was a bit grimy. I begged her to let me carry on but she just said no after that rather than looking for a different centre for me to go to.

Another example, I went to a cycling velodrome as a kid with a friend's parent and won loads of the races. The instructor came up to my friend's mum specifically to tell her that I showed real possibility and should go back. When she told my mum, my mum just scoffed and said 'bet they say that to all the kids' and left it there. I never got to go back.

A further one, when I was studying for my GCSEs, I told her that I wanted to be either a doctor or a vet. She immediately told me that I wasn't clever enough for that which really demotivated me when revising. I still did very well and in hindsight, with her encouragement, would have had a very good chance of getting into these careers. I am actually pretty bright!

There's so many similar examples and whenever I watch competitions or videos of all these people talking about their life or competing at a high level, I get a twinge of sadness that that maybe could have been me. I feel sad that she didn't push me to develop my talents and encourage me to reach my goals.

And talented though he is, he won’t be an Olympic athlete. He’s just not that good.

@Backinthebox Brilliant post - really inspiring

My parents were like this and I know my brother feels like he wished he was pushed / encouraged more. It’s ok to feel sad about it. But please start to feel more positive about the future as I’m sure you can tap into some of that potential.

I doo feel for you OP. Yout have been shat on by your parents

One comment stood out for me though.

I think this has all just crystallised for me because there was a girl in my year at school who would go to the athletics competitions with me but who I'd always beat is training to be chosen for the Commonwealth Games

I was in exactly this position a few years ago. Not athletics, it caused me much soul searching and What Have I Done With My Life questions.
Interestingly she couldn’t cope, mentally with th extreme pressure of competition at commonwealth level, had a breakdown and quit the sport permanently.

So even those with the talent, and the backing and the money to get that far, still get blindsided by life throwing a curveball in there.

It’s tough. All you can do is go forward, looking back doesn’t help. Unfortunately.

I think you're getting a hard time too OP.ni absolutely think you can hold parents at fault for essentially not parenting. I left school at 16 after poor attendance due to a mix of parents not giving a shit/abusive home life. For 20 years I worked a shit job because that's all that was open to me. To all the posters saying its really my own fault for not pushing myself/not being gregarious enough etc. Fuck the fuck off. On the upside a very supportive dh helped me get a degree and MSC after 35 so there is hope x

I agree with you OP and struggle with the let your kids decide attitude a lot of parents have.
There are certain things I didn’t feel like doing as a kid but my parents encouraged / pushed me and I am glad they did as it widens your options as an adult even if you do eventually decide that path is not for you anyway.
A lot of people giving you grief here are thinking of the other extreme where parents get really pushy ,a little encouragement here and there as adults for our kids is important because we all sometimes need some support to do those things that are good for us but we may shortsightedly not realise at the time.

I also think that it's important to remember the many health and social benefits of having an interest outside school growing up. It's not always about becoming an Olympic athlete.

Op, you can join the other 99.9% of children in the world who don't have the finances/support/logistically possible/body size to make it to the olympics.
Most don't complain about it though, they get on with something else.

It's one of the reasons I get so cross with the Scottish girl who complained about coming second to caster semenyer. She already had so so many privileges to get to second place.

Not sure if OP is still reading, but just wanted to reiterate the points that others have made , that there are now many sports you can take up as an adult and compete at an elite level, e.g. shooting, archery.
I started taekwon-do at 46, am now a black belt and have the chance to compete in international competitions (veterans category). Just find the right sport for you!

My father said that stuff to me and my sister about a university education. I went anyway. MY sister did not. she still blames him 30 years later but the truth is that you cant push people to do stuff they dont want to do and you cant stop them if they do
Stop making excuses and make something of your life.

I hope you're not feeling too sad about this and some of the comments on here, OP. Your mother sounds like a PITA but the problem is it's all water under the bridge; so just get on with your life and be the best you can be. You'll find a way. All the very best of luck to you

If your ex class mate is training for the common wealth games trials surely do can you.

I get this, I was a shy child so used to not want to go back to out of school things and my parents never urged me to keep at it, it was always ‘if you don’t want to go back you don’t have to’ whereas I’m the type of person who needs a bit of pushing until I get comfortable with whatever it is, then I’m fine.

In my late teens I started a hobby with a friend whose parents were quite supportive and they gave me the confidence I needed to keep going and I’m grateful that they did because my own parents would never take me to training and never saw me compete once.

It was made clear to me that my life was supposed to be get an office job, get married, have children and never work again just like my mum so I never got any encouragement to go for a career or that I could become a dr or lawyer, I was always told that I wouldn’t be good at that, better off being a receptionist and because I had low self esteem I believed them.

Now I’ve moved far away from them and met DH who gives me confidence I can do anything I feel a lot more positive about everything.

I think you have a very defeatist attitude. I know a woman who took up running in her 20's and her times in distance running are that good she was picked for a national team. Never too late to try anything.

Of course it's too late for some shit!

With that being said, it's hard sometimes to find a middle ground. I've known kids who have parents who push so much it just takes the pleasure out of anything.

OP's issues with parents being unsupportive are a lot worse than "didn't push enough".

If want to add it to the giant list of ways they failed to be great parents, sure, that's reasonable.

What can you do about it now? Be a better parent yourself, enjoy developing your talents now, grab every opportunity & make most of it, don't let their past failings change the best future you could make now.

About the childhood peer now competing at top sport: I'm reminded that Jamie Murray was considered the amazing prodigy & his little brother Andy merely a plucky tryer, when they were small. Can't assume to know how things would have turned out if had alternative parents.

I agree your parents could have encouraged you more and to help build your confidence. However I think it's not the worst of parenting failures to listen what your child tells you and accept their choice - maybe not ideal for you as a child but also not terrible.

I think it's unhelpful to look back and think that with a bit of encouragement you might have become a top athlete. This is quite unlikely. For most children who show great potential it takes them to regional competitions, possibly national for a while but never becomes a career. Also children develop very differently - a child might be way better than others at 8 years old but by 11 or 12 other children are much better in a certain sport because of growth, time put into training and other factors. So if you can look at it realistically that might be helpful. It would have been great to have more encouragement as a child. But don't blame the lack of it for not becoming an international-level athlete. Thinking that way will only hold you back.

You can still pick up sports at any time now as a hobby. That's probably all it would ever been even with encouragement. And you can still pursue the new career. Your life is truly in your own hands now so I would let go of holding parents responsible and focus on creating the life and future you want now.

Parents are a product of their parents parenting. It is likely these are the sort of things her mum said to her. She just did the best she could with what she had - I doubt very much she realised what she was doing. Please forgive her - look for the positive things she did for you. And move on. You know now you are much more capable than you though you were - go and enjoy your skills and abilities and have a good life. You can't change the past so leave it in the past and live for now and the future.

You were not always 7 or 11. A lot of athletes start very late in life - even their 20's

Your problem however is you had a mother you were scared of who didn't encourage confidence in you. That is a bigger problem than not pushing you

I think lots of people “coulda, shoulda, woulda” but don’t. The ones who make it, make it happen for themselves

I'm the last person to put anyone off, I come from one of the most deprived areas of Glasgow, I went to a school that closed a few years after I finished school and my mother was an emotionally abusive shut-in. Despite all that I managed to get to university and before I became a SAH I had a successful career as a scientist and also worked in a prestigious branch of the civil service. So I know it is possible. But in both those workplaces, the overwhelming majority of my colleagues were private school educated and one or other parent had had a career in a similar area. So while I am proof that you can do anything if you set your mind to it, I don't think it's generally true that people who are successful are the self-starters who overcome difficulties etc etc, I think mostly the people who are successful are the people who had lots of examples of success around them, high parental expectations, good advice, support and the best education money can buy. As I say I'm not saying this to put anyone off. You can do lots. The people in high positions are mostly fortunate, they're not magic, and if you have had to be a self starter you'll be as good as them or better. But I also think that if you take that "you can do anything if you set your mind to it" philosophy too far it becomes "if you're not completely successful, you only have yourself to blame." Is guilt such a great motivator? I've not found it to be. I think it should be possible to acknowledge the effect that privilege or lack of it has had on your life and still move forward.

Hi op, don’t waste your time on here replying to the negative posts, as soon as I read your post I knew you’d have some blaming you. Focus on the positive replies and just ignore the rest, rise above it.

Re athletics, which seems to be your passion, if you are early 20’s you could still be successful, long distance track, marathons? Paul Radcliffe ran after children and more women are coming back after having children, I don’t think it’s too late, join an athletics club NOW and train super hard. Gymnastics is sadly too late but maybe not cycling. If you live near a velodrome start going.

Like you I wanted to do medicine, I was bright but didn’t get encouragement from parents or school. I didn’t revise enough, was clueless looking back about revision and exam prep, didn’t get the grades and was pushed into accountancy on the basis I was good at maths and it’s well paid! I now work in the NHS as an accountant ( the nearest I could get) but there’s hardly a day goes by ?I don’t still wish ?I was a doctor. I’ve hated accountancy and tried many different roles but it just wasn’t ever what
I wanted to do. Don’t make my mistake, change now.

I think most parents never seem to get the balance right. Mine pushed me too hard and sucked the joy out of everything. I’m quite anxious as a result and definitely lack confidence. It was a very stressful childhood. Maybe my DD will grow up to say the same as you, as I try to do the opposite of what my parents did with me. I encourage of course, but am very paranoid about pushing too hard so maybe don’t push enough.

I think many of the posts are a bit unfair and the OP hasn't come back on to comment further. OP I get it.

As I said before, who on this thread, would not hold their kids' hand or perhaps stay with them until they settled at a new hobby if their kid was feeling a bit shy? Not being pushy but at least encouraging them to try it out a few more times before quitting.

So much of our behaviour in life is imprinted on us during childhood. Yes the OP has every opportunity to now go forth and give somethings a go however I think she was merely illustrating the top level sport analogy as an example of how little her parents encouraged her.

I can relate to this, I picked up the signs that my Mum was too tired to be bothered giving me any extra encouragement so I never pressed it. My parents also never had any exposure to life in the bigger world so I was unaware of all the opportunities around until I was in my 20s. Nor did they try to find out anything for me. My Mum just wanted me to be like her, job, married, kids, etc. without actually understanding if this is what suited me best. Anything outwith those boundaries made her feel uncomfortable, and in older age that is becoming more and more apparent.

When my first marriage went tits up she was more worried about how that appeared to her peers and then described me as a career girl (erm no but the bills have to be paid somehow).

Whilst I'm a SAHM now, I have done different things and tried to feel more fulfilled than I ever was. But I'll make damn sure that my kids know what opportunities are out there and if they want to take them I'll be damn sure I'm supporting them and not fobbing them off because I can't be arsed.

'I enjoyed it but felt shy. Rather than encouraging me to keep going, my mum just said 'oh well, you should quit then, no fun to be doing it on your own'

^
From the original post. How can anyone say that the OP shouldn't feel even a little let down by that? OK nothing can be done about it now but stop giving her such a hard time. I have every reason to believe that the OP will go on and be her best as I think she sounds quite positive.
Imagine if a parent of a 12 year old came on right now and said their child was showing real promise at athletics but felt a bit shy at her club. That parent then said she told her to quit and put her off. What would you be saying then?
The OP has every right to feel a bit sad.

Your parents let you down but make sure they don’t keep letting you down now that you’re an adult. You can spend a whole life looking back and regretting what might have been instead of thinking of what can be now.