To be a bit sad that my parents didn't push me more as a child?

[Cleopatramanuf]

I've been reflecting on everything lately and feel a bit sad, like I've missed out on things which I could have been really great at and enjoyed.

For example, in primary school, I was very good at athletics. I was always chosen to represent my school at athletics competitions and would often get through to the final against the best other kids in the (very large) county and win. My sports teacher at the time was always telling me and my parents that I have great aptitude and that I should really keep up athletics after leaving primary school. My high school didn't have any athletics and so I asked my parents if I could go to one out of school. They agreed but I was very shy and came home and told them that I enjoyed it but felt shy. Rather than encouraging me to keep going, my mum just said 'oh well, you should quit then, no fun to be doing it on your own'. Now I wish she'd encouraged me to stick at it, I could have done really well!

Another thing, gymnastics as a child. I loved it. My mum stopped taking me because the centre was a bit grimy. I begged her to let me carry on but she just said no after that rather than looking for a different centre for me to go to.

Another example, I went to a cycling velodrome as a kid with a friend's parent and won loads of the races. The instructor came up to my friend's mum specifically to tell her that I showed real possibility and should go back. When she told my mum, my mum just scoffed and said 'bet they say that to all the kids' and left it there. I never got to go back.

A further one, when I was studying for my GCSEs, I told her that I wanted to be either a doctor or a vet. She immediately told me that I wasn't clever enough for that which really demotivated me when revising. I still did very well and in hindsight, with her encouragement, would have had a very good chance of getting into these careers. I am actually pretty bright!

There's so many similar examples and whenever I watch competitions or videos of all these people talking about their life or competing at a high level, I get a twinge of sadness that that maybe could have been me. I feel sad that she didn't push me to develop my talents and encourage me to reach my goals.

I totally understand what you mean, I've often felt the same way.
However, you're still young and able to make any dreams you have now a reality! I have every confidence in you that you can do anything you want to as long as you put your mind to it and can motivate yourself.
Having others to encourage you is lovely and we all want support from our nearest and dearest but don't rely that to push you through! Rely on your own encouragement and self belief, because after all you're doing this for yourself and no one else.

I remember wanting to do ballet. My parents wouldn’t allow it. Should I feel hard done by because they refused? It’s bizzare to feel so. They couldn’t afford it, as well as having ill health.

But I do understand more the feelings passed on that these careers/options/universities, or whatever, “aren’t for people like us”. Working class parents don’t have as much access or understanding of opportunities and how to achieve them. It’s also frustrating if a parent treats you like a mini them - “oh I find maths hard so you will too”. Or not being a natural immediately has you labelled as “bad at...”. I suspect this is worse for girls than boys. In reality some of us bloom a bit later and overtake the “naturals” by working harder.

There are a lot of really unfair and unrealistic posts on this thread and I don’t know why OP is getting such a hard time.

Lack of encouragement, drive and focus means you don’t see these behaviours modelled and therefore learn them. They occur naturally in a few but as a PP said, do you really think they’re naturally occurring in most children? Then why are the most privileged (in time, money or parental support) frequently succeeding over children who lack that? It’s not rocket science

It's behind you now and you're making a burden of regret to drag around after you.
All top athletes have massive drive. As pp has suggested if you want a sport to succeed at why not start competing in marathons where runners tend to be older.

Oh op that’s awful. I can see where you’re coming from as I was in a similar situation as a child. My dB was favoured more. I’d ask to do a club or whatever and I was flatly refused (we weren’t poor btw) as dB was being pushed here there and everywhere to do hobbies which he actually hated. My df wanted him to play football but he hated it, and the more he was forced the more hatred he had for it. My dB absolutely hates football to this day. DB was doing karate as well.
I was always refused to be able to do things, there was no support for me. When I got to GCSE’s I had no encouragement, help or support, but as soon as I left school I got a part time job whilst at college, and that set me off.
I’m very envious of people who have had that start in life, but I can’t say I’ve done too badly as an adult. I had to find my own path as a teenager. I know not to ask for things as potentially it’s a no 😩

I’m the complete opposite with my dds, and am behind them all the way. They get all my support and encouragement.

As many others say you can still do triathlons or pick up any thing, my friend switched successfully to medicine at 30

I don't know whether we r meant to push children. Mine don't seem to want to do anything and I worry they have no life skills or hobbies...

I was just listening to the David Tennant podcast this morning. He was talking to Michael Sheen. Turns out that Sheen was massively into football as a 12-year-old, and was invited to train with the Arsenal youth squad. But it would have meant moving to London from Wales, and his parents decided against it. Sheen was devastated, but as it happened, he was also kind of interested in acting ...

Note that Michael Sheen did not save up all his pocket money and go and live in London. But note also that he didn't do too badly for himself in life . No signs of any lack of determination there.

Op, I do feel for you. A bit similar. My mum was a ballet dancer (she was awesome and went to a residential balket school...had a successful career) but she didn't like the life of a dancer so despite asking every week for years I didn't start ballet until 10. I took to it very well and my dance school helped me apply for White Lodge, the Royal Ballet School. But despite showing natural talent (and having the right body shspe/turn out etc...) it was too late. I was too far behind (mum could only afford one class a week). I didn't get in. Two years later mum had an argument with the school regarding payment of fees and that was it, my weekly class was gone. Its weird how things turn out op, what possible lives we could have lead. Never mind op, just start up now with your interests and enjoy it for what it is...maybe it will lead to other avenues.

This is quite a self indulgent thread. OK, your parents didn't push you to pursue things you may (MAY!) have been good at. So you aren't a professional gymnast now. So what? A tiny percentage of the kids who do have supportive parents taking them to gymnastics every week go on to become professional sportspeople.

As for the academic side, if you have aspirations to become a doctor or whatever, and are clever enough, you can do it now! One of my friends realised in her mid-20s that she wanted to be a doctor - she had done an arts degree and had no science A levels. So she did her science A levels while still working full time, then went back to uni doing Medicine, and by her mid-30s she was qualified as a doctor. She also managed a maternity leave in this time!

If you are determined, you can achieve most things. You're still young. Go for what you CAN do, instead of mourning the "what ifs?". It's easier to blame others for our failures than to take responsibility.

Also note that David Tennant didn't tell Martin Sheen that he should stop whinging on about not having played for Arsenal, but simply talked about it as an interesting "isn't life funny" anecdote, and asked whether he was angry with his parents at the time .

I think the OP should have used the word 'encourage' rather than 'push' because it's influenced the tone of the replies.

Rather than not being 'pushed', she wasn't 'encouraged', in fact to me she was actively discouraged.

You're still young, doing competitive sports as a teen you'd have to fit it around your school work anyways so it would be more difficult as a teen so perhaps as a hobby now but as to being a Doctor I honestly don't see why you can't,plenty of people change way later than you.
I've actually pondered about the education system was when I was a teen and in those days (90's) the teachers gave you the work and didn't care if you understood or not,they just taught you and that's as far as their responsibility went. Parents were the ones to encourage, teachers didn't really care in my generation I think.

@Cleopatramanuf I am approaching 50! Although I did ok in my O'Levels (mainly Cs), by the time I got to my A'Levels my parents had a divorce that makes the film War of the Roses look bland and I fell off the tracks (a lot). I did, after a lot of ups and downs, go to uni in my early 20s and earned achieved a 2:2. As my subject of choice was pretty much a dead end for most females a year later I went back to uni and enrolled in a IT conversion MSc which (paying for it myself) I achieved a distinction. I then worked for 15 years v. successfully in IT in the Investment Banking Industry before giving up work with the arrival of my 3rd DC to become a full time SAHM to 3 children on the autism spectrum. With the unexpected arrival of a fourth DC I started a Psychology degree with the OU, that I graduated in last year with a 1st class. I'm now studying, part-time (as I still have young ones at home), a Sociology PhD. In terms of learning - IT IS NEVER TOO LATE!!! good luck!

It's not too late, people change careers all the time.

Use the experience you've been through to ensure you do the opposite for your children.

Go for it! Prove them wrong!!

This kind of thing makes me quite sad, it’s like parents can do nothing right, push too hard and resentment sets it, don’t push enough and resentment sets in. You are old enough to push yourself now, do it. Get over it.

Triathlon! Lots of people who’ve achieved success at later years. Including representing their country.

I’m dyslexic, I had overly pushy parents, I dropped out of art college and went raving for a few years, did some dead end jobs and ended up pregnant. Eventually you have to say goodbye to your parent controlled self and give birth to a new you, go back to college with a better attitude and go for your dreams.

Pushy parents wreak your self esteem and make you feel controlled so don’t think your life would have been any better If you’d had my parents.

OP I think you're getting a hard time from some who are missing the point.

I did a similar post recently and had some of the same responses of take ownership & your an adult stop whining, it doesn't sound like you are using it as an excuse now more that you are expressing your pain and hurt.

I get your feelings and I'm always interested and surprised at the people who say forgive or forget like you can snap you fingers and it all goes away. I believe acknowledging and validating the feelings is better than burying them, which is what you've done.

I grew up in an area where there were very little opportunities to do this sort of thing, any that were about needed parents with a car and some spare cash (we didn't have either). I think there are things that I missed out on but in my case, it wasn't my parent's lack of interest.

I think you need to get yourself to an athletics club and join, loads of club level competitions to do and coaches willing to help you along. You may not make the Olympic Games but masters events take place all the time. Good luck.

I had the exact same conversation with my mum a few weeks ago! I was a great ice skater and quit in year 7 it’s a common thing that girls do around 11/12 it’s sad but their isn’t much they could have done to make you go unfortunately it’s a sad fact and we should do more to encourage young woman to continue with sport after primary school!

I think a lot of people could feel the way you do but these sorts of regrets are not productive and are clearly making you feel bad.

The sort of success you are describing is achieved because of a lot of circumstances come together at the right time in the right place. This is particularly true of children who depend on adults to facilitate things for them. I might have been a wonderful musician or dancer but was never given lessons (even though I was desperate to learn). Very few people have any hope of winning a place on the UK equestrian Olympic team because the amount of money needed to get involved in that sport is prohibitive. Likewise, children with responsibilities to their family (eg carers) and children from poor families have reduced chances of fulfilling sporting potential. That's the randomness of life.

You are young, clever, healthy and your mother is no longer in charge of your destiny. I'm guessing you don't have dependents so this is a very good time to think about what you would like to do with your life and how you might get there. Your life experience will help you in lots of ways so long as you don't allow yourself to feel dis-empowered. If you want to be a doctor work out how that might be achieved and fight your way there; likewise other ambitions. It won't be easy but (and I know this sounds an awful cliche!) nothing worth doing is easy. The perverseness and endurance you would have needed to excel at sport as a teenager is what you will need now if you want to build a life you find fulfilling.

As the for the sport.. it's wonderful you are fit and able to excel at lots of sports. Enjoy them..

Op my parents didn’t give a shit about my education, let alone extra activities. In fact I was very neglected. I wasn’t allowed to go to college at 16 because my parents wouldn’t support me financially, not admit I was estranged. I get it.
I went back into education in my 20s and now have a successful albeit rather low paid career. Let your parents apathy be your motivation.

Many parents who devote their evenings, weekends and vast sums of money to their kids activities and they live in fear of their DC having this sort of regret.

There is now a whole industry that preys on parents and kids fears of missing out. It is no longer enough to attend regular training - holiday training camps and 'elite' coaching sessions and workshops are also a must if you are to keep up. Some activities are incredibly demanding of time and money and it is easy to get caught up in it all and and loose sight of the fact that this is just meant to be a hobby.

I have a county level athlete - currently competing (and winning) a year up. The difference is that even as a 9 yr old, running is his life. He would simply refuse to attend a secondary school which didn’t offer athletics. It is his be all and end all, he wouldn’t be deterred by having to join a new club, or being a bit shy.