Page 14 | To be a bit sad that my parents didn't push me more as a child?

Cleopatramanuf · 2019-04-25T08:45:14+00:00

I've been reflecting on everything lately and feel a bit sad, like I've missed out on things which I could have been really great at and enjoyed. For example, in primary school, I was very good at athletics. I was always chosen to represent my school at athletics competitions and would often get through to the final against the best other kids in the (very large) county and win. My sports teacher at the time was always telling me and my parents that I have great aptitude and that I should really keep up athletics after leaving primary school. My high school didn't have any athletics and so I asked my parents if I could go to one out of school. They agreed but I was very shy and came home and told them that I enjoyed it but felt shy. Rather than encouraging me to keep going, my mum just said 'oh well, you should quit then, no fun to be doing it on your own'. Now I wish she'd encouraged me to stick at it, I could have done really well! Another thing, gymnastics as a child. I loved it. My mum stopped taking me because the centre was a bit grimy. I begged her to let me carry on but she just said no after that rather than looking for a different centre for me to go to. Another example, I went to a cycling velodrome as a kid with a friend's parent and won loads of the races. The instructor came up to my friend's mum specifically to tell her that I showed real possibility and should go back. When she told my mum, my mum just scoffed and said 'bet they say that to all the kids' and left it there. I never got to go back. A further one, when I was studying for my GCSEs, I told her that I wanted to be either a doctor or a vet. She immediately told me that I wasn't clever enough for that which really demotivated me when revising. I still did very well and in hindsight, with her encouragement, would have had a very good chance of getting into these careers. I am actually pretty bright! There's so many similar examples and whenever I watch competitions or videos of all these people talking about their life or competing at a high level, I get a twinge of sadness that that maybe could have been me. I feel sad that she didn't push me to develop my talents and encourage me to reach my goals.

Lweji · 27/04/2019 09:05

I don't think anyone is actually saying the OP hadn't the right to feel let down by her parents.
But her posts read like I could have been great and achieved so many great things except my parents never encouraged me. She's dwelling in it.
Most people have encouraged her to do something now, which is the best take. No point in dwelling of coulda shoulda woulda.

Another point people are making is that she doesn't seem to have had (or have now) the sheer determination needed to pursue her goals if she really was to go for Olympic glory or even a medical career, wich is bloody hard. Parents can encourage but they won't be holding hands through long nights of studying or through long shifts.
I've known people who've dropped out of things even with encouragement and people who've moved heaven and earth to get to where they wanted.

Don't go through life blaming other people for what you have or haven't achieved, OP.
Just do the best with what you have right now. Focus on your goals, not the past.

Scarriff · 27/04/2019 09:11

I couldnt agree with you more. I was sixteen by the time I realised my mother had sent me to a crap school because it was easier for her. I was angry and to some extent that anger remains part of me. In later years she tried to insist I remained at home with her and I came to realise she saw me as an extension of herself, not a separate person with my own virtues and failings. It wasnt unusual in the world where I grew up but it did damage our relationship and I'm sorry about that and appreciate the things she did do for me. Its too late to tell her this in person.

I join with the others in urging you to take your future in your own hands and begin now to do for yourself what your parents couldnt for whatever reason. The Open University may be a good place to start and there will be local gyms or athletics tracks where you can begin to limber up. Very good luck with all of it. May you find the strength.

shitholiday2018 · 27/04/2019 09:59

Not rtft so hope I’m not repeating. I think you sound like you are unfulfilled anc trying to apportion it to your Childhood. Your op reads like: I could have been amazing at everything and I wasn’t given the chance. It’s unlikely you would have excelled in all those different areas even with pushing. And moreover, you may have resented it.

People who get to the top of their game, be that academic or sporting or music or elsewhere, are rarely fulfilled and often very dissatisfied, constantly seeking the next stage or achievement. They are rarely happy with their lot. That’s the nature of success - it requires a constant desire for more. Mostly this comes from within. Coming from without - parents, coaches etc - can result in huge resentment and even major mental health issues later on. Success means hours and days and weeks training/practising to the exception of all else. That’s rarely a positive thing for a child or adolescent.

My parents pushed nothing. I dropped every activity including those for which I had a natural aptitude. They never checked I was doing homework, trusting in the natural consequences would play out at school. They let us decide on drink and drugs and boys with a careful distant eye. As a result we developed entirely organically and in a way which made us feel totally self responsible. I don’t kid myself that I would have been a concert pianist has they pushed me. Of course I wouldn’t have been. And I was grateful they allowed me to be in charge from an early age. My eventual academic success was entirely self driven and all the better for it. I try to model the same with my kids.

Stop looking at what could have been. Value what you've got. Most of us will leave an imprint on the planet only via the memories of our loved ones. That is plenty. Those who push the boundaries often sacrifice themselves and everyone around them to get to the top. Be careful what you wish for.

Teacher22 · 27/04/2019 11:01

Go for it now. I have a friend who was sporty but did not compete at any public level. She started doing the triathlon in her fifties and is now something like number two in the country in the under 60's.

Passthecherrycoke · 27/04/2019 11:08

I don’t understand why people keep suggesting OP could just become an athlete now if she really wants to. Firstly that’s unrealistic. Secondly she hasn’t said she has a burning desire to be a top athlete- simply that she showed promise and missed the opportunity to try. Why is everyone giving such rubbish advice? there is no problem to solve here, it’s just a discussion about parental encouragement

woollyheart · 27/04/2019 11:18

You are right to feel sad that you weren't encouraged to pursue your natural talents. You still have those talents, and can still develop and enjoy them. You may have missed the early track to Olympic gold, but there will be other opportunities.

Don't let regret for what happened in the past hold you back looking forward!

I knew someone who always blamed their lack of artistic success on something that happened at school. I always felt sympathetic until I realised that he never wanted to put any effort himself or take any opportunity offered. You still have the chance to rise above this setback.

wigglesniggles · 27/04/2019 11:48

I think you kind of have to trust your parents did what they thought was right, that’s how I’ve made my peace with it.

Similarly I went to gymnastics, left because someone else younger was better. Never questioned or encouraged. Tried something else, didn’t like it. Never taken to other things after that. Desperate to try something else and tried to organise it but no support. Tried to change career in my 30’s and DF told me he didn’t think I would be good at my chosen career!

Well do you know what, I did it anyway. And, he was probably right – I am good at it, but it is tough doing something highly competitive, there are sacrifices, and I’m not sure I’ll be doing it forever. But have I grown? Hell yes.

I still watch gymnastics videos but I find thinking about what it is I like about it and how can I do that elsewhere is better – getting really good at yoga for example IS achievable.

Also when I turned 30 I stopped thinking I was a failure, stopped comparing myself and have been much happier since then! Quitting so much social media helped.

DM is about to finish a degree in her 70s!! It is her life long ambition, she started and stopped it so many times and I always encouraged her.

I have find talking to my DPs helpful, asking them questions about their choices, the answers are often surprising and now what I thought!

GO for your dreams. Often resentment and envy is a sign that we are stuck and projecting that. Don't hold yourself back, whingeing and moaning is a sure fire way to be miserable and sabotage your life! Let it go, step into adulthood, be free of all that and become the person you want to be.

wigglesniggles · 27/04/2019 12:05

Just read more of OP's replies. OP your feelings are valid, don't let them be minimised, don't listen to the ones who question ability and drive. Also just wanted to add in that I know people who have found great fulfilment doing adult circus skills- static trapeze etc. even pole dancing from a similar age to you.

Jodie571 · 27/04/2019 12:22

I actually agree OP. I think parents have a responsibility of encouraging children when they see potential in them at a sport or activity etc.

I think it’s wrong you were told you’re not clever enough to be a doctor or vet. These words stick with children and do make them feel like they can’t do something especially when it’s coming from a parent.

But what’s done is done, maybe you just need to make sure you do the opposite with your own kids.

Jodie571 · 27/04/2019 12:23

@passthecherrycoke that’s a fair point lol.