To think this sounds like a holiday from absolute hell??

[tiffanygoldduck]

DHs grandmother has just died and so his parents have just inherited a decent amount of money.

They have offered to pay to take our family (me, DH, DS6, DS5, DD3 and DS13mnths) and SILs family (SIL, her DH and 3 kids B13, G8 and G5) to Disneyworld in the summer holidays for 2 weeks. They plan on booking a villa and then us doing all the amusement parks, having some time to explore and go shopping etc.

All seems ideal- aside from the fact DH and SIL don’t get on and haven’t spoken for nearly 2.5 years (she hasn’t even met our youngest and has met DD a handful of times and I doubt our elder 2 will even know who she/their uncle/their cousins are). There have been attempts of phone call reconciliation to no avail. She has refused to come to every family event if DH is attending (meaning that most have been split 50/50)

SIL has agreeed to this holiday being aware that DH has been invited too- but she is very greedy, hates spending money and both me and DH have agreed she will be nicey nicey until we are on holiday and all hell will break loose which will ruin the holiday for everyone and upset MIL because it isn’t going to be cheap and she is trying to do something that none of us will ever be able to afford otherwise without getting into debt.

SIL is MIL “golden child”- and MIL thinks it effects DH, when in reality he couldn’t really give a shit anymore. DH is very reasonable in that he always tells MIL to put SIL first- which he can’t see then gives SIL a golden ticket to rub it in his face even more.

DH has suggested I go with the D.C. and he stays behind, which I don’t think is fair- especially when it’s his family paying.

He doesn’t want to suggest his parents taking SILs family and us doing something else, because he doesn’t want to see as being grabby.

We are both gutted —mostly for us not the kids— that there doesn’t seem to be a easy way round this

AIBU?

I don't think it's rude to suggest an alternative. It's his mother, she wants a holiday with him and his children. It's inheritance from his grandparents.

Are they not allowed to have any thoughts in a family holiday because they arent paying?

Personally if I was ever in the mils situation I'd be quite happy to do something the kids actually wanted to do.

The in laws are going to America and have offered to pay for the op. If the location was up for discussion then the in laws would have asked for suggestions.

So if they don’t want to go, don’t go but don’t try change everyone else’s holiday.

Maybe suggest that this holiday is not ideal given the ages of your children. Suggested that MIL takes your SIL and her DC to Florida in the summer and maybe you can do a more suitable break with them in the UK or in Europe at another time? This way you don't hold back the older children when visiting theme parks and come across as very reasonable.

I’m in the unfortunate position of 2 of my adult children not speaking to each other. It is so upsetting and everyone loses out. I therefore understand your MILs motives but with the best will and even if you all got on really well, it would be very hard to not have some fallouts.

You would have to fly out there together, spend almost all your time together, have to decide what you do and where you go, eat etc everyday. It is also as others have said, going to be extremely hot and humid. Generally, that kind of weather and walking around with so many people (even if you split into groups)makes me bad tempered in any case, it will most probably rain very heavily every afternoon which does cool things down a bit.

The parks will be absolutely heaving with people and I don’t doubt that some of the queues for rides will be well over an hour.

Your children are too young to enjoy the holiday and as others have said, someone will have to wait holding bags and coats etc while the majority go on rides.

We started going when our children reached 10 years old.

Every holiday that we went on with other families always ended up with at least one visit to a doctor or some injury for at least one of the kids.

I think it is a really well meaning but bad idea. If you hadn’t fallen out before you went, there would still probably be a few arguments.

Maybe see if MIL could arrange a long weekend/short week away somewhere like Eurocamp and then if by some miracle everybody gets on and has a good time, think about going in a few years.

It's just two week focus. It's an opportunity to let the kids enjoy themselves and let the mil do something nice.

Toxic family members are just that. They can attempt to set the scene but you don't have to play the game. They don't own your emotions, your decisions or your actions.

its just two weeks

Bollocks to that. I would waste two weeks of annual leave on something that I know would be awful.

Holiday from hell. Explain to MIL and she might pay for you and DH to take the kids elsewhere. I'd never agree to a holiday like this and i get along with my brother and SIL.

WonderWorm Thu 25-Apr-19 06:23:19
SIL might get eaten by a crocodile while you're out there.

This. And you might miss it. (Wondeworm, I nearly spat out my tea over the keyboard).

Don’t your parents in law realise there is a huge family rift? It’s really odd to suggest a huge holiday with people who hate each other. That doesn’t sound like fun for anyone involved. They can’t surely think this will be the magic bullet for you DH and SIL’s relationship?

Also, all of those people would never fit under one roof. You need two villas so you have space and somewhere to retreat to when the shit hits the fan.

If SIL is the favourite, could it be that MIL just assumed your family wouldn't go. That way she could give her favourite daughter a nice holiday.

Has the OP left for the holiday already? Or been done in by the SIL?

(Or have I just missed her updates???) (I have RTFT, honest!)

I think a simple way to get out of this is to say “ wonderful offer, we are very grateful, but our DCs are too young to appreciate it. “ Setting aside the family dynamics, it would be a holiday from hell. Your 2 smallest could hardly go on any rides, so there would be endless passing around of children whilst the oldest two went on rides, etc, etc.
Queues at Disney sites absolutely ghastly. Food is boak, the very worst America has to offer, and weather will be dire. (We avoided Disney with our two, went exactly once for 1 day to original Disneyland in Calif. Walt a well known right wing fascist. See recent US opinion pieces written by his grandniece on company pay policy.)

They can attempt to set the scene but you don't have to play the game.

Exactly. So don't go and play the game.

Moanranger I find it strange that you think Disney has the worst food to offer considering they employ Michelin and AAA chefs to cook at many of their restaurants. There are only height restrictions on about 30% of the rides. The weather being dire is rather subjective; Florida summers are my favourite and I'm sure I'm not the only one who enjoys hot weather. Also, it's entirely possible to go in the height of summer and queue no longer than 20 minutes for anything if you plan.

@nimbomimbo

I'm sure you're upset but in some cases not everyone loses out. For example we and our DC do not have the toxic nasty SIL in our lives, so we gain a very nice life.

Every time any of my relatives has gone to Florida in August, they've been caught in (early season) hurricanes.

Mind you, one also went to California when they had their first big earthquake in the 1980s, another went to Australia and was caught in a huge typhoon and the first also went to Prague, which promptly flooded. I am only half joking when I say I used to discreetly find out when and where they were headed for holidays before ensuring I was nowhere near the area.

In any case, it's not a good idea to try to bring everybody together after an ongoing hostile situation in a humid, hurricane prone, expensive, hot and confined space for a fortnight. I think a very gentle 'the children are just that little bit too small, but thank you so much for the offer' might be the best way to get out of it without dropping the 'don't care how much you want it, they're never going to get on and sticking them in the same building for 14 nights will result in WWIII' truth bomb.

Maybe cut it to a week. Or if you go for 2 weeks go off on your own somewhere for the 2nd week. But I think for the children it sounds like a "holiday of a lifetime" so maybe suck it up for at least a week.

Hi OP. I’ve been to Florida lots and I think your kids are too young to get the most out of a holiday there without some expert planning by someone who knows the parks and suitability of the rides at each. We create an itinerary I we know what we’re doinf with older kids. Good luck! Sounds like a tough situation if you go for it

The OPs children are 6, 5, 3 & 1 of I'm right. Not really the holiday of a lifetime when only one of them will probably be left with a vague memory of it.

I’ve recently had to have a similar conversation with my DM about a similar situation with our family. I’ve had to spell it out that even if we were all friends, the idea of all of us together for a few hours without an argument is hard enough, never mind a holiday!

There are other (more enjoyable) ways in which you, DH and your children can enjoy time with MIL & FIL - don’t get drawn into this drama

The villas are the cheap part - go and then say its too crowded and get your own villa.

Just gonna say, the best time of the year would be November with small children. The weather on average 25°C and crowds are a third. Other than that suggest 2 villas so you have some space and privacy.

Been there, literally. And done that!
Wasn't great.
The kids lived having the grandparents and vice versa....I wasn't too keen on having 2 more people to serve for 2 weeks while they all sat round drinking.

My suggestions would be: each family have your own villa,Or at the very least have a vehicle each. Then grandparents could spend time at each so all get some time with grandkids. Going in/ out eating, sleeping, shopping, parks, swimming, together all the time will soon pee someone off and will ruin what should be a family holiday to make memories.
Lastly, if you're going for 2 weeks the humidity is a killer and you really have no sense of how large or busy the parks are, taking a real toll on you and the kids ( oldies too) so, only make plans for 1/2 the time!
Good luck, sounds like you're going to need it!

Just do it for the kids.

Even if you all got on it sounds like hell, 2 weeks! No thanks