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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this sounds like a holiday from absolute hell??

232 replies

tiffanygoldduck · 25/04/2019 06:04

DHs grandmother has just died and so his parents have just inherited a decent amount of money.

They have offered to pay to take our family (me, DH, DS6, DS5, DD3 and DS13mnths) and SILs family (SIL, her DH and 3 kids B13, G8 and G5) to Disneyworld in the summer holidays for 2 weeks. They plan on booking a villa and then us doing all the amusement parks, having some time to explore and go shopping etc.

All seems ideal- aside from the fact DH and SIL don’t get on and haven’t spoken for nearly 2.5 years (she hasn’t even met our youngest and has met DD a handful of times and I doubt our elder 2 will even know who she/their uncle/their cousins are). There have been attempts of phone call reconciliation to no avail. She has refused to come to every family event if DH is attending (meaning that most have been split 50/50)

SIL has agreeed to this holiday being aware that DH has been invited too- but she is very greedy, hates spending money and both me and DH have agreed she will be nicey nicey until we are on holiday and all hell will break loose which will ruin the holiday for everyone and upset MIL because it isn’t going to be cheap and she is trying to do something that none of us will ever be able to afford otherwise without getting into debt.

SIL is MIL “golden child”- and MIL thinks it effects DH, when in reality he couldn’t really give a shit anymore. DH is very reasonable in that he always tells MIL to put SIL first- which he can’t see then gives SIL a golden ticket to rub it in his face even more.

DH has suggested I go with the D.C. and he stays behind, which I don’t think is fair- especially when it’s his family paying.

He doesn’t want to suggest his parents taking SILs family and us doing something else, because he doesn’t want to see as being grabby.

We are both gutted —mostly for us not the kids— that there doesn’t seem to be a easy way round this

AIBU?

OP posts:
AmeriAnn · 25/04/2019 06:49

We don't call houses 'villas' in the United States. That's an Italian thing. As PP mentioned, Florida is very humid/hot in the summer time.

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 25/04/2019 06:50

Do you want to go to Florida? Will the children enjoy theme parks?

Cherrysoup · 25/04/2019 06:54

2 weeks is far too long for the parks and that amount of people would be nuts. Can you suggest a different venue/time for your family?

CalmdownJanet · 25/04/2019 06:54

I wonder could you say "Lovely thought mil and very generous but given relationships as they are we would hate to go over and things to be wrong. How about you go for two weeks, one family goes the first week, the other goes the second week. You get two weeks, more time with all the grandkids individually and no arguments, everyone is happy" or would that not work?

OffToBedhampton · 25/04/2019 06:56

That's an expensive holiday due to costs of eating out whilst in the theme parks , even with villa and flights paid for. Its also more suitable to slightly older children than yours. Your two youngest will find it all a bit much. Too many people in one villa and to cater for each night (unless you eat out). We did Disney land Paris 5 days with 7 people and 6-11 year olds and that was exhausting. we spent about £500-700 at least extra to cost of trip of drinks, lunch, tea throughout the day and there wasn't great range/choice.

In theme park I was waiting with smallest for hours whilst taller ones queued and went on big rides- some queues were 2-3 hours long. Most at least an hour. And oh, the crowds..... We tried going to separate rides, constantly lost each other that way.
It wasn't a great holiday and no way would I think we'd survive even a few days with toddlers sharing a villa with 13 people, 7 who are children.

I'd suggest to them it'd be too chaotic that many people under one roof and better to have a quiet holiday with separate villas

PILs are clearly trying to make a fun family reunion and reconciliation aimed at a child centred holiday (Disneyland) when the reality will be so different & fraught.

MargotLovedTom1 · 25/04/2019 06:59

I don't see how OP's husband needs to 'grow up'? The SIL maybe.

Think I'd just encourage DH be honest and say to his mother that it's very generous of her to offer but given the circumstances it'd likely be strained at best, so thanks but no thanks.

happymum12345 · 25/04/2019 06:59

Use this opportunity to build bridges. I expect your in-laws are hoping a family holiday will help reconnect you.
Stay in separate accommodation & try to be as hospitable to each other as you all can, for the sake of yourrslves, your dc & in-laws.

Almahart · 25/04/2019 07:02

I wouldn’t want to go in that holiday even if there were no family conflict, your children are far too young to enjoy it and that many people in one villa will be a nightmare.

As pp have said even it will still cost you a fortune in lunch/snacks etc

Very difficult though as I can see saying no will cause huge upset

Thatsashame · 25/04/2019 07:03

To be honest i think all the kids apart from the 13 year old are too toung for disney anyway... you wont be able to go on most things and will be stood around waiting for the others

fabulous01 · 25/04/2019 07:05

My idea of hell. 2 weeks abroad with in laws.

And that is without the family arguments.

Good luck with your decisions

ChipsAreLife · 25/04/2019 07:07

Agree get two villas at same resort. That's too many kids in one place given there is conflict.

I don't think your kids are two young. We've been with a two and three year old and they loved it! You just can't be in the parks all day everyday though and it would be a nightmare to try do everything together with that many people.

You can book fastpassses in advance for Disney so it makes it easier. They loved all the swimming too.

I think you need an understanding of what the expectation is when you're there in terms of how much you do together

Disfordarkchocolate · 25/04/2019 07:08

It sounds like my idea of hell even without the family conflict. Too hot, too long and too busy for very small children. However, if you want to go then offer to go for a week with your SIL's family going for a different week. Smaller villa needed too.

However, as an attempt to force a reconciliation it sounds an awfully expensive way to do it when you SIL won't be in the same room as your husband in the UK.

AnnaMagnani · 25/04/2019 07:08

Even assuming your families got on:

Far too many people
Wrong time of year
Your kids are all the wrong age and it will be wasted on them

DizzySue · 25/04/2019 07:11

How generous of them. But, no, this holiday sounds like hell. That villa will be a pressure cooker of family conflict waiting to explode!

I would very politely and gratefully decline, and let your IL know your family would be open to join them on another holiday should they want to, but thus one with SIL is not what you want.

I think SIL is banking on you not going btw.

44PumpLane · 25/04/2019 07:17

As others have said you would need multiple villas and your own transport.
Also there is no need to be joined at the hip over there, plenty to go off and do yourselves.

Lots for both younger and older kids to do and not necessarily just theme parks.

Also, in a villa you can choose to dine in and make pack lunches to take on days out in cooler bags if you so wish.

It depends on if you like that sort of thing though. I love a Florida holiday so I wpiod make this work. If a Florida holiday isn't really your thing then I wouldn't bother.

Romax · 25/04/2019 07:19

The way you speak about your SIL would suggest that the problem is not just between your dh and her, but between you and sil too

Romax · 25/04/2019 07:19

I wouldn’t go
Mainly because too much for children of your ages

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 25/04/2019 07:22

Nice bit of casual anti-Americanism upthread Hmm However, I agree with those who suspect this would be a nightmare even without the SIL issue. Even starting from the premise that Disney is a magical holiday of a lifetime (diametrically opposed to my own view on the matter, tbh), at least two of your children are likely to remember nothing about it. The holiday's absolutely targeted to the ages of your SIL's children. Another example of her as golden child? For that reason alone I would be highly wary of playing along.

scrappydappydoo · 25/04/2019 07:23

Ah tricky one. We did a big family holiday to wdw - 4 family groups with young children. We all get on very well but we had separate accommodation each (same resort but next door condos) we either did our own thing and met up for meals or split into age groups to do age appropriate rides all together. We rarely went round as one huge group.
Your children are definitely not too young for Disney - there is plenty for them to do and see. Most rides are for everyone and you can do a parent swap for the height restricted rides. You can do Disney avoiding the long queues but it takes a bit of advance planning - book fast passes for rides and with a group your size make advanced restaurant reservations (however eating off site is cheaper). Yes it will be hot but do parks in the morning and cool off by the pool in the afternoon.
I would sit down with MIL and hear her plans and expectations are - if she is under the delusion that you will all be happy families under one roof I would push for separate accommodation if there is no concession I would politely refuse - better to take the consequences here rather than in Florida.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 25/04/2019 07:25

I think SIL is banking on you not going btw. Yup! DHs sibs relied on this for years.

MIL would approach them first and they would be all lovely and pleasant. Then, when she approached DH he would be met with his DB and DS looking at him, waiting for him to be the one that let their mum down, again

Fortunately she did eventually crack on to what was happening and started doing things differently.

I doubt anyone who doesn't live with that kind of intense sibling rivalry would understand how ingrained it is. How very destructive, petty and yet utterly insidious it is!

OPs DH cannot win. Look at some of the comments here. OP recounts how they see the situation, including the past behaviour of SIL.. .and yet she and DH are the ones who need to grow up and stop slagging off family members!

I remember DHs aunt telling us that! We needed to stop being so petty all the time. Now, 20 years on, she has apologised. She has seen BIL go to work on a cousin and has realised that this behaviour is what we were refusing to put up with!

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 25/04/2019 07:28

Nice bit of casual anti-Americanism upthread I missed that? Is it you think everyone should be forced to love America? Confused

Two weeks leave, plus spending money, food, clothes, transportShock. It will cripple you financially and emotionally and you will come back exhausted. Even packed lunches and eating in cost money.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 25/04/2019 07:29

Your children are mainly too young for theme parks, it will be humid and far too many children in one accommodation. However your DH really needs to grow up.

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 25/04/2019 07:31

It was the 'continental food as opposed to American rubbish' post. Of course restaurants at Disney aren't going to be Michelin standards, but crap fast food exists the world over.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 25/04/2019 07:31

I'm not saying SIL isn't horrendous btw, but your DH is an adult and if you want a free holiday for your children he needs to suck it up and ignore her.

Springwalk · 25/04/2019 07:35

I would go (for my children's sake if this is the only chance they will get to go) but just for one week.

I would make a plan to be very busy every single day from dawn to dusk and be prepared that it may not be easy at times with SIL.
If you don't feel you can do it, then decline and go as a family another time (maybe disneyland paris, as you can stay for one or two nights so much cheaper)

Your MIL is hoping to bring the family back together. I would go with an open mind and open heart, and make the most of it myself. But then I can grey rock with the best of them so maybe I am not the best example.