To think this sounds like a holiday from absolute hell??

[tiffanygoldduck]

DHs grandmother has just died and so his parents have just inherited a decent amount of money.

They have offered to pay to take our family (me, DH, DS6, DS5, DD3 and DS13mnths) and SILs family (SIL, her DH and 3 kids B13, G8 and G5) to Disneyworld in the summer holidays for 2 weeks. They plan on booking a villa and then us doing all the amusement parks, having some time to explore and go shopping etc.

All seems ideal- aside from the fact DH and SIL don’t get on and haven’t spoken for nearly 2.5 years (she hasn’t even met our youngest and has met DD a handful of times and I doubt our elder 2 will even know who she/their uncle/their cousins are). There have been attempts of phone call reconciliation to no avail. She has refused to come to every family event if DH is attending (meaning that most have been split 50/50)

SIL has agreeed to this holiday being aware that DH has been invited too- but she is very greedy, hates spending money and both me and DH have agreed she will be nicey nicey until we are on holiday and all hell will break loose which will ruin the holiday for everyone and upset MIL because it isn’t going to be cheap and she is trying to do something that none of us will ever be able to afford otherwise without getting into debt.

SIL is MIL “golden child”- and MIL thinks it effects DH, when in reality he couldn’t really give a shit anymore. DH is very reasonable in that he always tells MIL to put SIL first- which he can’t see then gives SIL a golden ticket to rub it in his face even more.

DH has suggested I go with the D.C. and he stays behind, which I don’t think is fair- especially when it’s his family paying.

He doesn’t want to suggest his parents taking SILs family and us doing something else, because he doesn’t want to see as being grabby.

We are both gutted —mostly for us not the kids— that there doesn’t seem to be a easy way round this

AIBU?

The OP's DH is getting an unfair slating here - being told to 'grow up' and the like. Right now, we have no real idea why they fell out - but we do know SIL is perceived as the golden child. Those of you fortunate enough to have a healthy, supportive, loving family dynamic where disputes - if they happen at all - are dealt with fairly and maturely, quite possibly have no idea just how devastating and hurtful it can be to have a dysfunctional family where some of its members revel in manipulation, shit stirring, spite, lies and where others choose to pretend this isn't happening for a quiet life or whatever. It can make you feel like shit, that whatever you do is wrong - or will be made out to be wrong. If that's what the OP and her DH have been dealing with I'm not surprised they're reluctant to put themselves in the line of fire (with added stress of long haul travel, lots of people, heat etc). It's not necessarily about being ungrateful or immature.

We go to Florida in August and I wouldn't take a child below the age of 3. It is hard to get a toddler to drink water and understand dehydration.

The 9 hour flight can be a killer too if you haven't done it before. The first time we went my children were 11 and 8.

It is too many people in a villa for harmony, why not 2 villas? That way you can do your own thing, park, no park, whatever.

If you do go to Magic Kingdom then you would be advised to be pushing 2 double buggies. You can walk miles and miles in a day. Normally children aged 6 and below might need a break, hence the buggy suggestion which Disney World will hire out.

It is hot and humid, there are thunder storms every afternoon so you have to plan around it.

But yes in your case it does sound like hell.

So your whole holiday focus will be on what 1 person does and doesn't do or say.

I haven't spoken to my sister in years she lives overseas near my parents. I visit them and she's around. She's a troublesome person but I don't curtail holiday just because she's around. I'm not giving 1 person that power.

Our children once they met got on fine and still do. Made no difference they didn't know each other before really. That's fine by me, they're not involved in adults' issues.

In your shoes I wouldn't go as you'll just spend time looking at and focusing on your SIL. It's a shame for your DCs to miss out on holiday but it is what it is.

Sounds like maybe your MIL losing her mum has caused her to want to try and bring the family together. I could be wrong but it's a definite possibility.

That doesn't mean you are obliged to go, of course, it's still up to you. But I do disagree with posters saying your MIL is strange for doing this. It doesn't sound strange to me at all. She wants all of her family in one place having a nice time and creating happy memories, and has been spurred into this by the death of her mother. Totally normal reaction.

My mum does this. Thinks if we all get together we will get on. I don’t think your DH needs to grow up. After that many years you know the dynamic will never change. I wouldn’t go if you’re all under the same roof.

Save up your money and take your kids yourself when they're old enough to enjoy it. It's a full on holiday and doing it in the summer will be hard going unless you're a mega temperature lover. There's no way I would go with anyone there was tension with, it's asking for trouble. Disney is just full of crying kids anyway. Wait til yours are older and do Universal instead, it's better.

average daily temp is 33 with 90+ humidity!

Don't go. It will all inevitably kick off.

I haven't spoken to my sister for 5 years - she cut contact after getting upset that I refused not to send her ex husband a Christmas card (no reason for me not to - bog standard divorce where she'd had the affair, and he's the father of my niece and nephew). I was happy with the arrangement - she was toxic and manipulative (slagged off her husband's two children until they stopped visiting and told me not to bother sending them presents).

18 months ago when mum's health was failing (dementia) I wrote to her suggesting we put all that to one side and cooperate so as to help our parents. She doubled down on the no contact stuff and made it abundantly clear it wasn't going to happen.

Mum's recently been in hospital, and is now in a care home. I have seen my sister 5 times recently. On the first two occasions I was too shocked to interact with her (taken by surprise). On the third occasion she made some barbed comment (claiming I wasn't doing enough) and on the 4th occasion (in hospital) she came up to me and said that she's making all the effort, which was really big of her because I was the one who had behaved badly towards her. I ignored her, which resulted in her following me haranguing me, all in front of the nursing staff and my parents.

Leopards don't change their spots.

To be fair I haven’t been there but two weeks doing theme parks doesn’t sound like fun to me. I wouldn’t have enjoyed it as a child either.

As it stands it'd be a no from me op, holidays are a time to relax and enjoy the company of whoever you are with. That villa situation sounds like a nightmare with so many people and three households cooped up together, add to that the dynamics between your DH and SIL and it's a whole reality show waiting to kick off.

In your position I would be putting every effort into speaking with MIL to find another way of doing this holiday and some pps have made some really useful suggestions particularly regarding separate villas.

Disney Florida is very tiring and yes it will be hot and humid in the summer but with air conditioning and careful planning of course it's all doable.

@catsmother absolutely nailed it. Members of my family prefer a quiet life and choose to believe others are the bad guys for calling out the lies and spitefulness

cats mother I go through exactly what you've outlined. Word for word. My sis is the 'Golden Child' but that's still not enough for her to be happy. She manipulates our parents, is spiteful, and has managed to turn many relatives against me all because she's somehow got it into her head that I'm favoured by my parents. She's been malicious to some of her friends too. Spent too many years in a tizz about it all life is much nicer now I couldn't care less what she says or does. I'm busy enough on holiday that I barely see her and if I do, so what. She's not getting any energy or attention from me. My mum is very manipulative but is under orders not to speak to me about the situation. I know it annoys her I won't play the game but she'll just have to stew.

I would advise against this, it will be hell. The dynamics sound very similar to our family and we are practically NC with DH's family (his choice). His sister, my SIL is the golden child as she does everything the parents want and usually bribed with cash. DH is more resistant and would rather provide for himself.

We did a holiday like this a few years ago. Luckily it was only France however we came back 5 days early as we just could not stand it any longer

"Dear PIL, Thank you for such a kind offer! Unfortunately, we're not going to be able to attend, as we feel that sort of holiday, at peak season, just wouldn't suit our current family dynamic. However, we'd love to do something with you that's a little more flexible and nearer to home. Perhaps we could rent a couple of villas in France for a week or two? Love, You and Hubby"

Isn’t this holiday mostly about the kids anyway?
You all need to suck it up for the next couple of weeks for the kids sake. I always feed off my children’s excitement and it sounds like a holiday they won’t get to experience (from what you say ). Just stay out of each other’s hair if possible.

Even families that get on world struggle for two weeks under one roof. What about suggesting, as others have said, 2 smaller villas so it's not overcrowded. Then you only have to see her in small doses.

I'd decline.

And I think too many people who are shocked that DH can't suck it up don't truly understand what it's like to have a golden child sibling in the family, being catered to by parent(s) who are supposed to love and treat them equally but don't.

DH and sil should hire their own cars, with enough room for mil and FIL to join either family. Then you have the freedom to spend time out there doing what you please.

If things go well you can go to the same places, if not Mil and FIL can alternate days with each family.

In truth you will spend little time at the Villa unless you want to.

Of course restaurants at Disney aren't going to be Michelin standards actually the Victoria and Albert restaurant at Disney's Grand Floridian Resort is a AAA Five Diamond restaurant and often voted the number one place to eat in Orlando. Disney also has numerous other award winning restaurants run by former Michelin star chefs. In fact the PP upthread would be pleased to know you can quite easily avoid "American rubbish" every meal considering every park and resort serves Italian, Chinese, Moroccan, Mexican, French etc. But people do love to be snobby about theme parks.

OP I definitely think your MIL needs to be aware that that many people under one roof with tensions is going to be awful. The heat can only exacerbate the situation!

id talk to your mil.sit dwn with her and tell her how you think its a wonderful idea and are so greatful but dont want to go when things are so strained between the dh and dsil.
you all either need to sit down and make some kind of peace or sit down and decide it cant happen.
talk to eacohter!

As pp have pointed out, a holiday to Florida just wouldn't work for your own family unit anyway while your kids are so young. However, your mil has made a lovely and generous gesture so please be appreciative and gracious when you turn it down. Perhaps your dh could suggest an alternative closer to home (Gite in France? Villa in Italy?) that you could go to instead just with mil but without sil and co. Maybe next year? Mil could still go to Florida with her daughter and family. What I'm saying is that it would be nice if you could accept her generous offer to take you on holiday even if you don't want to go on the exact holiday she's offering!

Your MIL has, I think, the best intentions.
If you can have two villas, maybe?

But theme parks are a nightmare in summer, so you will be fractious with each other, let alone the hostility from SIL. Can you bite your tongue, watch what you say for two weeks. Could you constantly be making sure husband and kids are all on best behaviour, in case anything causes conflict. If SIL is golden child, will she receive better treatment from MIL etc.and it's also a bloody long flight with that many children.

Could you not do France and go to EuroDisney for the day or a number of days?

As it stands I really wouldn't go. If it does kick off you're a long way from home.

Save yourself!!

We went last year with 4 kids. The 4 year old and 1 year old were far too young for the amusement parks and didn't enjoy it, too hot, lots of queues etc. Even 5/6 is quite young - my 6 year old did love it but he likes "scary" things/fast rides etc. The younger kids did like the Kennedy Space Centre and the beaches around there too. Use the children's ages as an excuse to get out of this holiday and suggest another holiday maybe next year with just your inlaws. Or insist on a condo for just your family which caters to your children's ages so lots of run around/pool time rather than too many days in the amusement parks. If you dress it up properly it will be "we are worried that our young children could spoil it for the older children so we need to stay in a separate apartment" etc

It sounds stressful, all being in one place, even the villa is large. Do you think that MIL is trying to collect her family around her as a type of security blanket? And over-optimistic about getting on?

Are you sure that SIL is the 'golden child'? We got this with late PIL's - it seemed as though BIL was the favourite but in fact they bent over backwards for him to hide that they didn't get on. Both he and MIL were moody and difficult - put them together for any length of time and there'd be a disagreement. We never holidayed together.