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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

parents bypassing me to make arrangements with my daughter

126 replies

clareycontrary · 24/04/2019 22:51

My parents made an arrangement with my 13yo to take her out for lunch without consulting me. I found out while at work an hour before they had arranged to pick her up (Easter hols). This meant some texts to and fro between daughter and me, and me and my parents, to find out what was going on. More awkward as I was on trial at a job in a small office so use of phone was easily noticed.
I agreed she could go but asked them to make arrangements through me in future. This is something we have also fallen out about in the past as the same thing has happened before.
They then cancelled the whole arrangement, so my daughter lost out, and didn't speak to me for two weeks or visit her or toddler sister.
My mum then told me not to text my dad any more (as he has a heart condition) because I'd tried to reason with him that I needed to know any arrangements in advance myself.
I don't want to cause my dad any health issues and I've been miserable for 3wks as I feel that I should be consulted on arrangements, but this shouldn't cause such a huge fall out with my parents.

OP posts:

BogglesGoggles · 24/04/2019 22:53

Surly a 13 year old is old enough to make her own plans?

itbemay1 · 24/04/2019 22:54

Eh? My mum make arrangements direct with my DCs all the time, then they tell me what's happening. Sorted.

user1473878824 · 24/04/2019 22:54

Is there a huge backstory here because that seems fine.

SavageBeauty73 · 24/04/2019 22:54

How weird. My 13 year old often makes his own arrangements with his grandparents. As does my 16 year old.

Is there a backstory?

CripsSandwiches · 24/04/2019 22:54

Why do you need to be consulted? Surely the 13 year old can make arrangements with her grandparents without her mother's interference?

Dippypippy1980 · 24/04/2019 22:55

Seems a bit of an over reaction on your part?

Surely a 13 year old can make arrangements to go out with her grandparents and be trusted to tell you? She must make arrangements with friends herself? They don’t have to come through you, but she has to check in?

Smoggle · 24/04/2019 22:55

Is there a big back story here where you don't get on with your parents/trust them alone with your children?

On the face of it in kind of sounds fine that they would arrange to take a teen out for lunch while you are at work.

What texts were needed between you all?

PodgeBod · 24/04/2019 22:55

What is the issue? Surely a 13 year old can meet her grandparents for lunch and drop you a text to let you know where she has gone.

Bambamber · 24/04/2019 22:55

Was you going to be at work when they went out for lunch?

If you didn't already have plans with your daughter I don't see the harm. I'm sure at that age she makes plans with her friends all the time? So why would your parents be any different? As long as you get a courtesy text just so you know where she is

TitianaTitsling · 24/04/2019 22:55

Where was she? At home alone?

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 24/04/2019 22:58

YABU unless there is a huge backstory

If your DD is responsible enough to be left at home while you work (which she ought to be at 13) then she is surely responsible enough to make her own arrangements to meet up with friends/grandparents etc

Islaofsilly · 24/04/2019 23:00

Maybe they find you too controlling and stressful to make arrangements through. As your DD is 13, has a phone and you were at work, not sure what the problem was? If they cancelled and are now asking you not to text your poorly Dad, you must have upset them quite a lot. I would have been pissed off and not felt like visiting for a bit too if I had been your parents.

IvanaPee · 24/04/2019 23:03

what’s the problem here??

edwinbear · 24/04/2019 23:03

Your parents offered to take your DD out for a lovely lunch, instead of her being stuck inside, alone, whilst you were at work - and you went bat shit at them? Is that correct?

mumeeee · 24/04/2019 23:05

I agree with others. YABU. She is 13 and old enough to make her own arrangements with her Grandparents.She should be able to just let you know that she is going

Whoops75 · 24/04/2019 23:08

I wouldn’t mind this at all.
I think you were being V unreasonable

Original poster

clareycontrary · 24/04/2019 23:08

I was at work for a short time and I don't think it's unreasonable to simply give me the courtesy of a tex in advancet to check we didn't have other plans, being the holidays.
I don't have a great relationship with my parents so this isn't a regular occurrence as they were in fact extremely controlling so I am well aware of the pitfalls of that.
Very happy for my child to go out as long as I know where she is/approximately when she'll be back as I would have thought most parents would.

OP posts:

BottleOfJameson · 24/04/2019 23:09

I kind of feel there's going to be some huge backstory here (maybe both parents have just been released from prison on kidnapping charges and the lunch was actually a drug run?). If not why would you need to act an an intermediary? I think it's nice that the grandparents had acknowledged that DD is old enough now to make plans for herself. I'd probably like a courtesy text from DD to let me know she was going out but that's DD's responsibility not her grandparents.

IvanaPee · 24/04/2019 23:09

But she text you to tell you?

sirfredfredgeorge · 24/04/2019 23:13

they were in fact extremely controlling

Please don't fall into the same mistake as them and control how the arrangements with your daughter are made. If you would be happy for her to go, trust her to arrange it.

Dippypippy1980 · 24/04/2019 23:13

But surely at 13 your daughter should text you to say where she is??

You are deliberately ignoring everyone who is saying your daughter can and should be communicating her plans.

You seem determined to paint your parents as the bad guys - in this specific instance I don’t see that they have done anything wrong,

whiteroseredrose · 24/04/2019 23:15

I don't see the problem. My DM regularly makes arrangements with my DC. Has done since before they left primary school.

If I've already made plans with my DC they know about it so wouldn't double book.

justasking111 · 24/04/2019 23:15

She texted you with the details. I really cannot see the problem if you have not banned her from seeing them because of your issues with them I would let it go. I suspect you are steaming angry with them about other things which has spilt over into your daughters relationship with them on this occasion.

FrancisCrawford · 24/04/2019 23:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sirzy · 24/04/2019 23:16

So she was home alone, grandparents contacted to make plans, she told you. Jobs a goodun surely? Why the need for back and forth texts? “Ok about what time will you be back? Have fun” would do it surely?

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