parents bypassing me to make arrangements with my daughter

[clareycontrary]

My parents made an arrangement with my 13yo to take her out for lunch without consulting me. I found out while at work an hour before they had arranged to pick her up (Easter hols). This meant some texts to and fro between daughter and me, and me and my parents, to find out what was going on. More awkward as I was on trial at a job in a small office so use of phone was easily noticed.
I agreed she could go but asked them to make arrangements through me in future. This is something we have also fallen out about in the past as the same thing has happened before.
They then cancelled the whole arrangement, so my daughter lost out, and didn't speak to me for two weeks or visit her or toddler sister.
My mum then told me not to text my dad any more (as he has a heart condition) because I'd tried to reason with him that I needed to know any arrangements in advance myself.
I don't want to cause my dad any health issues and I've been miserable for 3wks as I feel that I should be consulted on arrangements, but this shouldn't cause such a huge fall out with my parents.

sirfredfredgeorge

A 13 year old can manage when to do their chores in the day My 13 year old would do precisely nothing if she could get away with it. It takes a serious amount of nagging to get her teeth brushed.

a 13 year old can decide if they're now well enough to go out No. Absolutely not, she tells me where would like to go, and we discuss it, she has never and will never just take herself off somewhere. Nor would my 14 soon to be 15 year old.

a 13 year old can decide their food intake They would eat pringles all day every day given the choice. As a parent you do still need to make sure they are actually eating, and that it aids their general health and well being.

Thirteen is too old for controlling those things, helping and intervening if they make mistakes is what a parent needs to do

They are 13 ffs! They are kids, they are in some ways worldly wise and mature, and in other ways clueless.

Do you even have kids? Or have you left them to raise themselves at six years old?

Your post is ridiculous.

@Springwalk think you’re slightly missing the point. At 13 you have to give them the freedom to not do chores, eat Pringles all day, go out when under the weather - else how will they learn about natural consequences? Like (using @7salmonswimming examples) clothes aren’t washed and she gets told off (although not really sure why this example is relevant here, OP had the text she could just send a reminder) she doesn’t feel too well over lunch and doesn’t enjoy it as much as she could (her look out really?) or she goes out and doesn’t eat if hungry in the evening? I mean, none of those are things that can’t be texted to the child when she texted her mother, surely? There’s a world of difference between 6 and 13 as well, so no, pp might not have left her kids to fend for themselves from 6 but she might have from 13!

No one is talking about letting a 13 year old moving into a frat house, you are talking about a 13 year old having lunch with grand parents.

If they happen to have pizza for lunch and chinese for diner, I am sure they'll survive

You cannot seriously micro-manage a young teen at that level, it's ridiculous.

The issue, surely, isn't that a 13 year old can do as she pleases and go where she wants, but that the responsibility for communicating with OP about where she is and what she is doing is between her and the OP. At that age it should be the DD contacting her mum and asking or informing (depending on the set up they have) about the lunch with grandparents, just as she might if one of her school friends asks her over for lunch. The OP shouldn't be requiring her parents to ask her beforehand, it should be up to her DD to ensure it's OK with her mum (if she wants to go).

I encourage my ds and my Karen's yo make arrangement between themselves for days I'm working and he's at home.

It's odd to me my mum texts me to ask if she can take ds out. I say - ask him if he wants to go!

She does remind him to check with me if she arranges stuff for weekend but still will ask him if he wants to go out.

This is all about unresolved issues between op and her parents the 13 year olds lunch arrangement is a red herring

At 13 you have to give them the freedom to not do chores, eat Pringles all day, go out when under the weather - else how will they learn about natural consequences?

😂😂😂

@Dana28 is right, all this is besides the point. OP feels her parents are still being controlling, period. I think they are, too. And possibly a bit manipulative, too. I stand by my YANBU.

Had you left her at home alone? Is that allowed at 13? Sounds like she would be safer with her grandparents having lunch rather than trying to feed herself!

CarolDanvers Nobody has 'given the OP a kicking'. What a ridiculous thing to say.

OP asked a question to hundreds of thousands of strangers on the internet - you'd think to get an objective opinion.
Overwhelmingly, the people who have replied haven't given her the reassurance she was obviously looking for, because they think she has made a fuss over nothing. Nobody has been rude or unkind, just given their opinions, as OP asked for, by asking AIBU?

Sounds like she would be safer with her grandparents having lunch rather than trying to feed herself

Why wouldn't a (presumed NT) 13 yo be safe preparing lunch for herself in the kitchen of her own home? She should be more than capable of making herself a sandwich, or microwaving something, or making herself an omelette or other light meal.

But she should equally be able to arrange to go out for lunch with a friend or relative. Agree with pps, 13 yos make their own social arrangements, unless they require lifts.

Nobody has 'given the OP a kicking'. What a ridiculous thing to say.

Telling her she’s toxic, controlling, a bad mother over and over again? Then whinging because she’s not remained to read those same assertions over and over again from a bunch of randoms on the Internet? Yes she’s had a kicking and I couldn’t care less if you think that’s ridiculous or don’t agree.

@CarolDanvers if you decide not to tell the entire story then people will tell you what they think of your behaviour from the information they have.

At this moment the OP looks overbearing and controlling of her daughter.

If she said something like when DD was small my mother would tell her I was a bad mother plus other similar things and one of my relations told me after she had repeatedly told mother to stop doing that but she continued - then we would understand why DD and grandparents shouldn't be alone together.

I’ve no interest in reading justifications in why someone should accept being told they’re toxic, controlling, a bad parent, they’ll lose their daughter and ruin their relationship with her blah blah blah over and over again, all over ONE lunch and a couple of text messages. This has not been a supportive thread it’s been people telling OP how terrible she is and then a little whine because she didn’t stick around to take it. Who would? Seriously? Who would read hundreds of posts saying that and then open themselves to yet more criticism by trying to defend themselves? These threads are vile; the ones where everyone piles on to say the same thing. Don’t people ever think “100 people have said that already do I really need to?” Of course not because they get a little thrill out of saying it and Joining In and they wouldn’t want to deprive themselves of that would they?

Don’t bother replying to me, I won’t read it. I haven’t got even one more minute to read posts whining about how she brought it on herself and it’s in AIBU so she had to expect to take an on line onslaught. I’d be ashamed to pile in on someone over and over like you lot do. And if you don’t like what I am saying then tough shit.

@Springwalk
Thank goodness for your voice of reason.

What a bloody pile on from the keyboard warriors/ MN vipers.

Just because other posters' children make their own arrangements, it doesn't mean that is the correct way to do things or that anyone who does things differently is wrong.

The OP's parents, in canceling a lunch just because they have been asked to make arrangements through their daughter directly rather than their grandaughter, are the ones who have behaved in a ridiculous and childish manner.
There is nothing wrong with the OP's perfectly reasonable request.

OP - I hope you are okay after the disgusting verbal kicking you've had from so many on here. Thankfully there are some posters on here who are reasonable and don't just think their way is the only way. It's different horses for different courses.

I have a strained relationship with my mother and so I’m with you on this. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.

I agree with you OP. I'd expect my parents to tell me of they planned to take my child out.

Benji, Sandy - yes, me too. It’s considerate.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira I completely disagree.

We do not wash our hands with thirteen year old children and let them eat what they like, go out wherever they wish, sleep all day game all night. No. At thirteen a child is just that, a child. What you are describing is a much older teen/young adult when they hit 17/18 and have full and complete understanding of how to care for themselves properly, and what the consequences will be if they don't. Thirteen is much too young to simply let them walk around in unwashed clothes as you have suggested.

Do you even have children of this age? I don't think so. You seem to be completely removed from the reality of raising a child of this age.

Unwashed clothes - they will get teased and bullied at school, you may get a letter or phone call from the school as to the child's well being or a referral to ss if it continued. Yes it will be the natural consequences, but is that what you want for your child?

They can eat what they like - So eating rubbish day in and day out will have a major impact on their health and weight. Natural consequences, absolutely, but have you seen what this can do to a child's self esteem? Health? Those things will not be so easy to win back, and you might start an eating disorder or a bad relationship with food. Tough is your view point, they need to learn....no, they don't. They learn to eat well, and care for themselves then they move on to full independence.

If I was left to my own devices from 13 I would have a massive problem with my parents later down the line. All the natural consequences you describe actually just sound lazy bad parenting to me.

Giving up caring for a 13 year child is called neglect.

InadvertentlyBrilliant

Thank you Brilliant. I have been horrified by some of the posts on here. Since when did we stop parenting and caring for 13 year old children?

I feel for op, as I think she is entirely reasonable to expect to know where her child is, and some of the posts on here have just been so wide of the mark. Perhaps causing op great harm in the process, because she is clearly trying to establish boundaries with parents (anyone who has tried this with controlling parents knows how hard it is)
I hope she is reading the more positive messages.

YABU - a 13 year old should be competent enough to figure out how to make lunch arrangements with a friend or with grandparents. She should inform you of where she's going, but usually there shouldn't be an issue. If you let your parents have contact then you need to let it happen normally, which is them making plans directly with their teenage grandchild.

MRex You missed the point entirely.

op doesn't have a good relationship with her parents, so why would she feel comfortable having her parents bypass her to make arrangements directly with her dd and not telling her?

You can maintain some contact with parents and still need boundaries. Op's boundaries are clearly there for a reason.

@Springwalk - Actually OP is definitely being controlling where her own daughter is concerned, her daughter is 13 so she needs to allow some more freedoms. We don't know if OP is reasonable or not in saying that her parents are controlling, she hasn't provided any information that explain why she says that. Quite the opposite, her wild reaction and her parents' responses outlined in the OP gives me question marks around the reason why she has difficulties with her parents. It isn't as simple as saying the person who has a problem is always right.

You can't have it both ways!
Either the child is too young to be left to their own devices, then why on earth are they left alone all day and the mother is not paying for childcare!

Or a 13 year old can spend a few hours home alone, follow parental directions and instructions, meet her grand-parents for lunch, especially when she is mature enough to remember to let her mother know in advance so she is aware of her whereabouts.

The OP was only called controlling when she stated that's what her parents were. That's possible, but that thread show a very controlling mother too. There's a context around the comments.

It’s not controlling to have boundaries for GPs contact with GC when there are difficulties in the GP/adult DC relationship, especially for GPs of the “Stately Homes” type.

OP isn’t the one with a “wild” reaction. She asked her parents to arrange things via her: her parents then didn’t contact OP or their GC for two weeks and OP’s mother asked her to stop contact with her father and implied contact would worsen his health condition.

If you read the OP again it looks more like she was sending a LOT of texts. Otherwise it wouldn't cause an issue at work and she wouldn't have put not to text my dad any more... because I'd tried to reason with him. I have a family member who adores drama with streams and streams of angry text messages, it exhausts everyone. I don't know if that's the case here and can't know whether OP's parents are also unreasonable from the information given, I can only comment on the obvious way in which OP has been unreasonable.