parents bypassing me to make arrangements with my daughter

[clareycontrary]

My parents made an arrangement with my 13yo to take her out for lunch without consulting me. I found out while at work an hour before they had arranged to pick her up (Easter hols). This meant some texts to and fro between daughter and me, and me and my parents, to find out what was going on. More awkward as I was on trial at a job in a small office so use of phone was easily noticed.
I agreed she could go but asked them to make arrangements through me in future. This is something we have also fallen out about in the past as the same thing has happened before.
They then cancelled the whole arrangement, so my daughter lost out, and didn't speak to me for two weeks or visit her or toddler sister.
My mum then told me not to text my dad any more (as he has a heart condition) because I'd tried to reason with him that I needed to know any arrangements in advance myself.
I don't want to cause my dad any health issues and I've been miserable for 3wks as I feel that I should be consulted on arrangements, but this shouldn't cause such a huge fall out with my parents.

It's another one of those threads where the OP hasn't got the reaction they wanted, so just gone silent

Yes because posters should definitely stick around to take the MN kicking that’s due to them shouldn’t they? Who do they think they are spoiling everyone’s fun like that?!

We’re only hearing one side of the story here, I’m sure. Nobody cancels taking their grand children out, doesn’t speak to you for 2 weeks and asks you not to contact your father as they’re worried about his heart when you text unless you’ve gone absolutely over the top batshit crazy in your “discussions” with them and your texts to him “reasoning”. Sounds like your daughter missed out on a nice lunch while she was sat on her own because of it.

Rubbish, Honeyroar, have you ever read the Stately Homes threads?

Why should you object to two adults, supposedly people you love and trust (your own parents), taking your teenage daughter out for lunch, and would have had her home again before you got home from work?

What's the problem here? Unless there's a huge backstory about your own relationship with your parents, that you're not telling us about.

@barryfromclareisfit 13 years old is old enough to decide on lunch or not for most people.

Even if the relationship between OP and her parents is awful at 13 her daughter is now allowed to form her own.
Parents can be the gatekeepers to their young children but need to accept at a certain point that just because they don't like someone doesn't mean their kids are going to make the same judgement.
Clearly her daughter wants to go to lunch. Attempting to sabotage that relationship could cause permanent damage between her and her daughter.

OP my daughter is 7 yrs old and will regularly tell me what she is doing with Nan....as in for example I am going to the cinema with Nan on tuesday ..she is coming to get me at 12 o clock...its a done deal between them! I then get a follow up call from my mum saying did XXX tell you about our cinema trip we planned? They love each other dearly and spend loads of time together happily but I am always the last to know what they are up to...and its fine.You should relax and be content in the knowledge your daughter is having a lovely time and is safe and happy I think.

This meant some texts to and fro between daughter and me, and me and my parents, to find out what was going on

drama llama alert !

Daughter text to mum "Nanny has called, shes taking me to lunch at 1"
mum replies "ok lovely, make sure she has you back by 6"

Saga over before it begins.

You sound the controlling one TBH.

Trying to see both sides here and struggling.
She surely does were like Clarey is working today. I know let’s take dgd out to give her something to do/ keep her occupied for a couple of hours over the Easter holidays.

Surely though even

No, at thirteen she is not old enough to make arrangements to go out, without consulting her mother. To be safe, your main carer has to know where you are and who you are with.

you are wrong.
If a 13 year old is old enough to be left home alone, they are old enough to accept lunch with family members .
She did consult her mother, she told her about the plans before going , and mum threw a fit so they all had to cancel.

We could understand if the OP had categorically banned all contacts for whatever reason, but she just had a tantrum because she did not get to organise all the details, even when she was at work and not supposed to be texting nonsense in the first place.

Don't be so controlling, it will come back to bite you in the ass otherwise.

, not knowing where your 13 year old child is or who she is spending her day with is called neglect.
But the op did know because her daughter texted her???

I agree you sound controlling and toxic

YABU, they are her grandparents and she is 13. At 13 i would regularly go and meet my grandparents without consulting my parents. She's not going to meet people she doesn't know she is with adults who she has presumably known all her life? Is there a back story here?

Agree Barry.

Op if you are still here, sadly you have a whole bunch of posts on here with people that have absolutely no idea how difficult it is to manage toxic families. If they did understand they wouldn't be so confused about your concerns.

I suspect you have not elaborated enough on why you feel so worried about your parents, and if you had gone into more detail then maybe you would have had a different reaction. Lots of people do not read between the lines, or read your posts properly nor understand what it is like to have very difficult family relationships.

At 13 she is still a child, and whether you are at work or at home your parents should have spoken to you first. The idea that any family member has access to your children, regardless of whether they are loving carers or not is for the birds.

Yes if you have great parents, of course you will have no issues with them taking your dd out without your knowledge (possibly ) but
if you have been carefully managing something much more difficult, and you are not remotely close to them this is clearer overstepping the mark.

No, at thirteen she is not old enough to make arrangements to go out, without consulting her mother.

Of course she can make arrangements without consulting her mother, you would hope by the age of 13 she has the sense to know which arrangements are likely to be OK (e.g. lunch with grandparents) and which are not (e.g. sneaking into a pub with a fake ID). One would hope that having made plans she would let one of her parents know where she was going which is what she did and how OP found out about it in the first place.

Very wise post Springwalk.

Thirteen is far too young.

If the OPs patents are so reasonable and not in any way controlling, why did they throw their teddies out of the pram and cancel the lunch? They weren’t getting their own way, that’s why. Toxic behaviour.

Or maybe the mother got pissed off with having her plans she has made with her granddaughter changed and then realised that wasn’t fair on the granddaughter who wants to see her!

It sounds like the op kicked off the other week about them trying to see her so I think some of the unreasonable there has to fal onthe op

I make plans directly with my nieces all the time. Their parents aren't bothered. They know I'll look after them and they're safe with me. Can't see the problem.

Haven’t read everyone’s replies, but YANBU in my book.

Your DD is 13, a member of your home life, and you have responsibility for her. Your parents should not be bypassing you.

How do they know whether you’ve set her chores to do over lunch? Or that she was feeling a little under the weather this morning and should be home resting? Or that you’re all going out for a family meal tonight so really she should have a sandwich lunch today? It needn’t be anything sinister.

In fact, making plans directly with a 13yo, when you have an inkling this may not be totally fine with the parents, smacks of deliberately going behind your back.

It’s controlling on your parents’ part, of you. They’re showing you they don’t need your permission to take their granddaughter out to lunch, whatever else may be going on. Their relationship with her overrides yours.

You’re “controlling” your 13yo’s movements because she’s a child and you should (someone needs to at that age, and typically it’s a parent). It’s not really control as you’d have been fine with it anyway and said yes - in this specific instance it’s just going through you as an FYI and checking nothing else going on.

So no. YANBU. I’m surprised at how many people seem to think it’s fine.

How do they know whether you’ve set her chores to do over lunch? Or that she was feeling a little under the weather this morning and should be home resting? Or that you’re all going out for a family meal tonight so really she should have a sandwich lunch today? It needn’t be anything sinister

All of those are pretty sinister, a 13 year old can manage when to do their chores in the day (and shouldn't have 8 hours of them), a 13 year old can decide if they're now well enough to go out, a 13 year old can decide their food intake.

Thirteen is too old for controlling those things, helping and intervening if they make mistakes is what a parent needs to do.

sirfredfredgeorge

That rather depends on the 13yo and the grandparents. When I was 13, I would have felt torn between overbearing parents and kindly grandparents (on the one side, the opposite on the other as it happens).

There’s really nothing sinister about telling your parents to just see the child doesn’t put away an entire pizza at lunch because you’re all going out for Chinese good that evening. Sinister? Really?

Chores could have to be done over lunchtime because child pissed about all morning when she knew they needed to be done by x o’clock (eg so child has whatever clothes ready that SHE wants to wear the next day). Sinister? She might just want to ask granny/grandpa to make sure child’s put the machine on before she leaves the house.

13yo who might over estimate how well she’s feeling, not realising that rest over lunch means she won’t be letting down her other siblings who are looking forward to dinner out tonight, because she went out instead and now can’t face going out for dinner. Sinister?

It’s just courteous. In fact, normal family interaction. The fact the OP is asking the question suggests “normal” may be questionable in her family.