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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

parents bypassing me to make arrangements with my daughter

126 replies

clareycontrary · 24/04/2019 22:51

My parents made an arrangement with my 13yo to take her out for lunch without consulting me. I found out while at work an hour before they had arranged to pick her up (Easter hols). This meant some texts to and fro between daughter and me, and me and my parents, to find out what was going on. More awkward as I was on trial at a job in a small office so use of phone was easily noticed.
I agreed she could go but asked them to make arrangements through me in future. This is something we have also fallen out about in the past as the same thing has happened before.
They then cancelled the whole arrangement, so my daughter lost out, and didn't speak to me for two weeks or visit her or toddler sister.
My mum then told me not to text my dad any more (as he has a heart condition) because I'd tried to reason with him that I needed to know any arrangements in advance myself.
I don't want to cause my dad any health issues and I've been miserable for 3wks as I feel that I should be consulted on arrangements, but this shouldn't cause such a huge fall out with my parents.

OP posts:
peasout · 25/04/2019 00:15

@Snowglobes.
The Op's parents didn't undermine her as she didn't know about it until she was told.
Her 13 year old DD is old enough and capable enough of making a decision, the OP by her own admission was at work anyway, so it would have had no impact on her anyway.
OP, surely you would prefer your DD to have a nice lunch with her Grandparents rather than hanging around potentially bored? Just because you don't get along too well with them doesen't mean that your DD doesen't or that she can't have lunch or social time with them.
It sounds like you are as controlling as your own mother.

AcrossthePond55 · 25/04/2019 00:18

My parents didn't 'consult me', but if they made plans with my DC they either checked with me to be sure it was OK or they'd tell my child to 'call your Mum and let her know'. That's just common courtesy. I don't care if you are the grandparents, you don't take a child out without letting the parents know beforehand.

Userplusnumbers · 25/04/2019 00:20

When you say you found out an hour before, presumably because either your parents or your DD told you, rather than some stellar psychic detective work on your part? So you did find out in advance - how much notice is needed for lunch? A day? A week? We're you going to be home in the next hour and did you have plans? If that was the case would you not havs already let your DD know that there were plans so she was ready when you got home from work?

I think you were determined to find fault with your parents, so blew what is essentially a none issue out of proportion.

They're reaction of not speaking to you was unacceptable - but surely you can see how your reaction would be perceived as exactly the same Co trolling behaviour you're accusing them of?

Blondebakingmumma · 25/04/2019 00:54

YABU

your parents were controlling of you...

And now you are controlling of your daughter

DietriotukMN · 25/04/2019 03:57

YABU.

  1. your daughter is 13, and capable of making her own plans.
  2. your daughter is capable of telling grandparents of any existing plans.
  3. you are at work so why do you care so much that she is spending time with her grandparents?
  4. you were texted about it.
  5. she is going for lunch with family. Not getting on a train to London without telling anyone and smoking crack with strangers.
  6. unclench
AgentProvocateur · 25/04/2019 04:18

Very odd. A 13 (or even a 10) year old can surely make arrangements with her grandparents directly. Hmm

HennyPennyHorror · 25/04/2019 04:27

I think people are being deliberately obtuse here.

Of course a 13 year old should be able to see their grandparents but it's courtesy to ASK their parent first.

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 25/04/2019 04:27

Odd, at 13 she is more than capable of making arrangements, I know I did and my kids do. My ds14 said today ‘can you give me a lift in 5 to X’s house?’ I said ‘oh you going there today and when should I expect you back?’ He said ‘dad’s picking me up after work tomorrow’. That’s kids, they make plans, it’s part of becoming independent.

(And secretly I punched the air- dp was coming over anyway, so I had a teen free night. And I’ve now left dp in bed alone, because I can’t sleep so am cwtched up on the sofa drinking tea and MN🤦‍♀️)

Birdie6 · 25/04/2019 04:32

. This meant some texts to and fro between daughter and me, and me and my parents, to find out what was going on

Surely this only needed one text " Hi Mum I'm going to lunch with Grandma". Multiple texts seem very much like overkill to me. Maybe you need to back off and trust that a 13 yr old and her grandparents can make a date without you involving yourself in it.

BoomBoomsCousin · 25/04/2019 04:55

I'm another unclear on why you were going back and forth with your parents and couldn't rely on your DD to let you know where she was going and with whom. Does your daughter have special needs? Do you expect her friends to call you first before they arrange to see each other? Or do you arrange all meetups and manage her social life still?

You seem unusually involved for someone with a 13 year old DD. If your own parents were very controlling perhaps you have picked up some anxiety and habits from that?

JaneDoe8000 · 25/04/2019 04:59

When I was growing up, I'd make plans with my grandparents all the time. My parents had no problem at all with this.

OP, your post reveals more about your desire to control than anything else.

JaneDoe8000 · 25/04/2019 05:02

HennyPennyHorror

Let's pretend you're right. You aren't, but let's pretend.

OP has already stated she was at work, with phone use difficult. Why insist on an extra layer of communication to complicate things? Because ... why?

JaneDoe8000 · 25/04/2019 05:05

It's another one of those threads where the OP hasn't got the reaction they wanted, so just gone silent.

PrincessTiggerlily · 25/04/2019 05:08

I would say the OP is suspicious of her DPs behaviour because of past history with her. The DOs not sending a quick txt to say what they are doing, as it doesn't seem a regular thing or why the kerfuffle, is a bit odd. The DD not visiting for wks because of it seems OTT , the stress of it all affecting DF 's heart suggests a huge backstory. And if there is a huge backstory DPs should not be doing things without up front explanation.

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/04/2019 05:10

YANBU because history.

They are trying to make her the new you.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 25/04/2019 05:28

they'd tell my child to 'call your Mum and let her know'.

Someone did let her know.

Springwalk · 25/04/2019 05:56

Op's dd is 13 not 18, so of course with a 13 year old child you would need to know where she is, and who she is with. I would think it to be extremely bad parenting NOT to know this! Even if you are working, I would expect you to be aware of where she is at 13!!

All the posts on here that say she is 13, she can do as she pleases I find very very strange. In the real world, not knowing where your 13 year old child is or who she is spending her day with is called neglect.

Yes I do think it is odd that your parents didn't have the courtesy to tell you what they were doing, and check it out with you first given you are not close as a family. It feels quite invasive under the circumstances you have described.

Given the history it looks like they are still trying to maintain control through your children. Not nice if you have had a life time of this. You were right to pull them up on this, I would also make it clear to your dd that she should always check with you first, she is not an adult, she is a child and still your responsibility.

GPatz · 25/04/2019 06:08

'Let's pretend you're right. You aren't, but let's pretend'

Pretending? And what is a courtesy is an opinion, not a fact.

Loopytiles · 25/04/2019 06:16

Posters are missing that this sounds like a Stately Homes, dysfunctional family. If that’s the case then OP is not at all U to have boundaries in place about their contact with her teen.

My parents had similar boundaries in place for my siblings and me with our GPs, for good reasons. Sometimes difficult parents deliberately bypass their DC to seek time alone with their GC, when they are being unkind (at best) to their DC.

OP has stated that she has a difficult relationship with her parents, and that her parents are controlling. Her parents’ response to OP’s request was to cancel seeing their GC, not to speak to OP for two weeks or visit their GC. And to ask OP not to text her father and imply her actions could worsen a heart condition. All very “Stately Homes” and unreasonable.

HBStowe · 25/04/2019 06:41

Your daughter is 13 so it seems like it would be fine for them to make arrangements with her directly...? Unless there’s a big back story that means you don’t trust them to be safe / take her to appropriate places etc?

Cherrysoup · 25/04/2019 06:44

Could people please read the OP'S posts properly? There are clearly issues at play here.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/04/2019 06:45

I know what it is to have controlling parents so I get where you are coming from. Your parents aren’t going to change. Therefore, I would handle this different. Your dd is 13, surely she knows the score about your parents, doesn’t she?

My dd is 10. I’ve been very honest about my relationship with my mother. This is to protect her for at times my mother and brother and sil have been horrible to / about her (started when she was about 7). Dd is able to separate her relationship with her grandmother from mine.

Whenever my mother over steps the boundaries with dd, much as dd can be very upset, I can treat it as a learning experience for her and an insight into how to deal with my mother in a way i never could. I’ve had a ton of therapy to learn this btw.

If this happened with my dd I wouldn’t contact my parents. You will get into a match of “right fighting”. They will never concede and it is wasted energy. This in turn will make your children suffer as you have previously witnessed.

Your daughter is 13 and needs to learn how to deal with them. So the boundary with your dd is she checks with you first.

Grandma “hi sweetie, fancy some lunch out today”
Dd “that sounds lovely, I’ll just check mum hasn’t organised anything / check it’s ok etc”

Don’t disempower your dd Either. You’re on sticky ground here op and in danger of becoming controlling like your parents.

Italiangreyhound · 25/04/2019 06:50

OP you know your parents. You know your kids. You know why you want to know if your teenage child is going out somewhere for lunch.

I'd want to know and expect to be included in making plans for a child of 13.

If all these comments are helpful great, if not, you can simply decide how you expect things to be done. My parents in law would never make plans for my teen without consulting me and that's how I like it.

So I totally get where you are coming from.

LL83 · 25/04/2019 06:55

I would find it very inconvenient if parents text me at work to ask if dd could go to lunch, I then had to contact dd and ask her then let them know and make excuse if she doesn't want to go.

Its lovely that she wants to go at 13 and you were told of plans before they happened. Maybe grandparents said "that's great you want to come, check it's ok with your mum and let us know" even if they didnt dd knew you would want to know and told you.

barryfromclareisfit · 25/04/2019 07:05

No, at thirteen she is not old enough to make arrangements to go out, without consulting her mother. To be safe, your main carer has to know where you are and who you are with. Unless the mother has specifically said ‘You can go out with your grandparents at any time,’ then the grandparents and daughter should discuss it with the mother first.