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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

parents bypassing me to make arrangements with my daughter

126 replies

clareycontrary · 24/04/2019 22:51

My parents made an arrangement with my 13yo to take her out for lunch without consulting me. I found out while at work an hour before they had arranged to pick her up (Easter hols). This meant some texts to and fro between daughter and me, and me and my parents, to find out what was going on. More awkward as I was on trial at a job in a small office so use of phone was easily noticed.
I agreed she could go but asked them to make arrangements through me in future. This is something we have also fallen out about in the past as the same thing has happened before.
They then cancelled the whole arrangement, so my daughter lost out, and didn't speak to me for two weeks or visit her or toddler sister.
My mum then told me not to text my dad any more (as he has a heart condition) because I'd tried to reason with him that I needed to know any arrangements in advance myself.
I don't want to cause my dad any health issues and I've been miserable for 3wks as I feel that I should be consulted on arrangements, but this shouldn't cause such a huge fall out with my parents.

OP posts:
lljkk · 24/04/2019 23:19

At 13 your DD is old enough to know what her plans are in the next 2 hours or not. She is allowed to do spontaneous things, too.

YABVU.

LaCastafiore · 24/04/2019 23:19

You might have had a point if they had booked a 3 weeks holidays. They were taking her for lunch whilst you were, in your own words "at work"!

Your 13 years old is old enough to tell them that no, you didn't have other plans, you being at work and all.
She did tell you before meeting them.

You are more than ridiculously unreasonable, you should thoroughly apologise to your parents and daughter. Your mum is right to ask you not to contact your unwell dad with that nonsense.

You said you had extremely controlling parents, do you want to be just as bad for your kid? It's not fair on her.

ChicCroissant · 24/04/2019 23:20

What plans, you were at work!

You didn't need to text anyone at the time though - that was your choice. A text to your DD to say 'have a nice lunch' perhaps, but you didn't need to tackle your parents at that time. You were at work and your DD sounds as if she was home on her own so lunch out with her grandparents would have been nice.

CarolDanvers · 24/04/2019 23:21

I’m kind of with you OP. My parents are very controlling as well and you can get an inkling when they’re taking triumph in bypassing you and cutting you out. If you don’t have controlling parents you’d probably not get that undercurrent and how loaded even simple things like this can be.

ChipSandwich · 24/04/2019 23:21

Nope. Can't see anything wrong with that providing she let you know where she was. Why would they need to text you in advance? Your daughter would know if there were other plans, surely? Why can't she tell her grandparents if that's the case?

I can't imagine what all the texting was about. It only needed one.
"Off out for lunch with gran and grandad. Back later"

Nnnnnineteen · 24/04/2019 23:23

Mine is 13. She texts her gps re visits in the holidays, checks back with me to make sure ok, job done. Then she gets on the train and travels the 3 hours to see them for several days. I reckon I'd be totally fine with a couple of hours!!

PregnantSea · 24/04/2019 23:26

I still don't understand why they needed to tell you first? Or at all? Your DD is 13, you weren't home, surely if there were any important plans coming up she would have already known about them?

BetsyBigNose · 24/04/2019 23:27

YABU - it sounds like you want to be 'in control' of everything, but your DD is old enough to arrange to meet up for lunch in town with friends, why why not with her GPs?

I think it's lovely that she chooses to spend time with her GPs, if it's happening at a time when it doesn't affect you, it makes no difference whether you're involved at the planning stage or it it's presented to you as a fait au compli.

@clareycontrary - your post reminds me of something that happened about 4 years ago (DD1 was 7, nearly 8). My DM had recently moved 2 hours drive from us and I was missing having her live just 5 mins down the road and had been having a whinge to my DH the day before. At 7:30pm I was getting the DDs ready for bed when the doorbell rang - I opened it to find my Mum standing there, still in her Nurses uniform having driven straight from work, with an overnight bag in one hand and a blow up bed in the other! I was SO happy to see her and turned to DH and said "I can't believe you managed to organise this behind my back!", but he shook his head and said "Not me!", and a the little voice of DD1 piped up; "I did it Mummy! When we were FaceTiming Nanny last night and you went for a wee then I invited her to come for a sleepover!" It sounds like this would be a nightmare for you though OP, not me - I LOVE surprises!

If you really feel uncomfortable about being 'out of the loop', then just mention it one final time to all concerned, that in future, you'd be grateful if they could please remember to copy you in so you know what's happening - or have a shared family calendar on your phones so you know who needs to be where and when.

BackforGood · 24/04/2019 23:29

they were in fact extremely controlling

.... like you are being here ?

I can't see what they have done wrong here. It is you that has now spoilt the day for your dd, and your parents. Plus of course been texting at work when you were trying to impress.

Presumably she was at home not doing much ? They spontaneously thought 'Oh, let's pop out for lunch', then 'Wonder if dgc would like to come' and they ask her. dd then either texts you to let you know where she's gone, or leaves a note on the kitchen surface so you will see when she gets back. (Normal) parents thinks 'Oh, that's nice. How lovely they can have that bit of time together / how lovely parents thought to include her / how lovely teenager still wants to spend a bit of time with her grandparents / how nice she had something to do whilst I was at work'.

end of.

Absolutepowercorrupts · 24/04/2019 23:32

So your parents were extremely controlling, and you know the pitfalls of that
You are obviously unable to recognise the pitfalls.
Your daughter didn't speak to you or her toddler sister for three weeks?
Unless you recognise your controlling behaviour you will end repeating your parents behaviour towards you.
Time for you to break the cycle

Contraceptionismyfriend · 24/04/2019 23:33

YABU. If there were plans the 13 yo would've known.
You weren't there. Who was with the 13 yo? Was she home alone?

Snowglobes · 24/04/2019 23:35

caroldanvers that’s exactly what I was going to say. I was really shocked to read all the yabu replies and reading them through they sound very understandable. It speaks volumes that the 3 of us find the bypassing thing unreasonable. Yet, if it were DDs friends, I’d be fine. It’s obviously more about the mum & g’parent relationship.

BuzzPeakWankBobbly · 24/04/2019 23:35

If you were at work, she could have just gone and come back and you'd be none the wiser anyway.

ReindeerDream · 24/04/2019 23:36

Going against the grain here but I don't think OP is being unreasonable!!

People have all sorts of different relationships in their families - just because other posters don't mind it, doesn't mean the OP shouldn't mind it. Some people want their DM's at their DC's births, others wouldn't dream of it. Some peoples' DMs are like their sisters, others are estranged or anything in between those two polar opposites.

At the end of the day OP is the parent - her Parents should respect her wishes and text her to ask if it's OK for DD to do lunch or whatever, at 13. (Different at age 15 plus).

I wouldn't be comfortable with it either OP.

Puffkin · 24/04/2019 23:36

You need to loosen the reigns a bit before you turn in to the very thing your parents were when you were growing up.

Italiangreyhound · 24/04/2019 23:39

YADNBU. They should have spoken to you. I find it weird they wouldn't tell you first.

Futureisland · 24/04/2019 23:39

God I'd love it if my dad just arranged plans with my 12yo without going through me all the time.

ChicCroissant · 24/04/2019 23:39

I assumed it was the grandparents who didn't speak to the OP for three weeks, not the DD.

TowelNumber42 · 24/04/2019 23:40

I have a bad relationship with my parents. As a result, my teenagers would always check with me before agreeing to meet.

Actually, at 13, they would always message to check any going out arrangements in the school holidays. I would very rarely object but they'd always let me know what they were planning.

I don't encourage a relationship with my parents though because of them not being trustworthy and fear of them doing emotional damage to my children who would naturally be more trusting of my parents than they should be. I don't want them to learn the hard way that damages their self worth.

bridgetreilly · 24/04/2019 23:42

This is bonkers, OP. Take a step back and look at what actually happened.

Your parents asked your 13 yr old if she wanted to have lunch with them. 13yo knows you're at work and she doesn't have other plans, so she says yes. Then someone - 13yo, presumably? - texts and so you find out. There is no drama here at all. And I promise you, your 13yo is going to be making more and more of her own plans with friends and boyfriends, not just grandparents, over the next few years. You need to trust her to manage her own social life and know when she has other commitments. And, of course, communicate with her when there are things you are expecting her to be at or do with you.

Snowglobes · 24/04/2019 23:43

@AbsolutePowerCorrupts no it was the g’parents who excommunicated the family for three weeks. Not the daughter. Manipulative, controlling behaviour that gparents will no doubt have a track record of and this is why OP finds the bypassing difficult. It’s not about a lovely lunch with g’daughter but as OP sees it, undermining her. It’s probably hard to understand unless you have narcissistic parents.

Absolutepowercorrupts · 24/04/2019 23:46

Carol Danvers
I have an extraordinarily controlling mother, I made absolutely sure that I was not that person with my son. He and his wife know that I love them both dearly, I see them and their two sons regularly and I'm definitely a laid back mother/Mil. He's 41 now and the woman who gave birth to me still tries to manipulate him. He sees her on his own terms, I haven't seen or spoken to her for 4 years. He's smarter than me because I didn't follow the parenting pattern. I treated him the way I wished I'd been treated.
Op break the cycle of controlling parents

Absolutepowercorrupts · 24/04/2019 23:53

@Snowglobes
I read the update differently, I thought it was the daughter who didn't speak for 3 weeks.
It took me 56 years to break free from a controlling mother, so wind your neck in, before you tell me I don't understand about narcissistic mothers.

NoSquirrels · 25/04/2019 00:10

I don't think it's unreasonable to simply give me the courtesy of a tex in advance to check we didn't have other plans, being the holidays.

I found out while at work an hour before they had arranged to pick her up

How did you "find out"? Either they asked your 13 year old about plans - who told them Mum's at work, lunch is OK. And then your 13 year old texted you. So you were fully in the loop. Or they told you themselves the plan, also OK because you were in the loop.

You chose to make it a bit of an issue. I'd be annoyed if I were either your 13-year-old or your parents.

Very happy for my child to go out as long as I know where she is/approximately when she'll be back as I would have thought most parents would.

Sounds like you did know, though?

I get that there may be controlling dynamics at play in your relationship with your parents. But it sounds as if all the adults over-reacted in this scenario to what should have been a simple, spontaneous last-minute lunch.

I would be bloody delighted if my parents decided to rock up at a loose end on a day my young teen was at home alone because I was working and take my DC out to lunch.

RomanyQueen1 · 25/04/2019 00:15

Wow, this is controlling behaviour. It's normal my ils go through dd all the time.
She sorts out all the arrangements then tells the rest of us.
It was a lovely gesture and they obviously wanted to spend time with her.
You need to sort it out or your dd will feel the same towards you as you do to your parents.