To wonder why my husband is incapable?

[eeva90]

Long time lurker, first time poster...

DM and MIL have the same birthday. DH and I have been together 6 years and this has never been an issue. He will do something with MIL and I will do something with DM. Last year he went to MIL's and I took DS to DM's.

DM and MIL both have meals planned for this Sunday at similar times (v inconvenient). MIL has decided she would like her grandchildren there which is fine. I would like to see DM as DB is bringing his new GF to the meal and I want to meet her! I have said to DH, take the kids with you to the meal as MIL would love to spend the day with them.

DH is point blank refusing to take DC by himself. Says 2 kids is too much to handle (despite me doing it everyday). I have told him that MIL would be very hands on (as she always is with the kids) so he wouldn't be alone.

DH is now calling me selfish and unreasonable for 'ruining his mother's birthday because I won't take the kids!' Despite me being happy for DC to go with him...

AIBU? Or is he?

Doesn't have the self-awareness to realise how pathetic he sounds and how embarassing it is to admit he is not capable of looking after his own two children for a few hours. I would be making sure everyone, all your joint friends, all his friends, all his family and yours, know what a pathetic, lazy knob he is

There seems to be an unwritten, unspoken, wink wink, agreement amongst men (not all of course my own DH is actually a capable human being and doesn't pretend otherwise) where they can pretend that they aren't capable of childcare or housework and no one bats an eyelid because they're men and men shouldn't be doing that anyway so it's not that they're stupid or lazy, it's just they're men and don't do that shit

Well, I think that message is letting him off the hook. You’re relying on MIL to have words with him and she might not. She’ll may well just say ‘ok, see you on Monday’.

Cross-posted. I see you’ve had a response.

Jesus Christ I've heard it all now what a lazy twathole

YANBU btw

Did you tell your MIl that Dh had refused to take the dc by himself? What did she say??

What a giant baby. Him, that is,. not your dc.

This is crazy. He's basically admitting that you are the default parent and he can't cope without you. Wow. Don't stand for this shit OP. I'd say to him that he needs to learn and doing stuff like this is the only way to do that!

Ah I see that MIL has enabled this behaviour! My MIL would have been straight on the phone to DH telling him what a pathetic excuse for a father he was if he couldn't take his children for one day. She would also be telling him he clearly needed more practice so he would need to take them out on his own every weekend while I had a break

Oh and to answer PP - I have been out without DC. Only when MIL or DM etc have offered to look after DC rather than DH

Wasn't actually that angry about this until now I've thought about it.

Has he always been a crap parent or is it something new he's trying our?

I'd make sure you're out the house early Sunday so he can't Swan out andeave them with you

In answer to your actual question as per title

Because you enable him, as does his mother

How old are the dc??

Isn't your h embarrasssed at saying he can't cope with his own dc??

Jesus, you don't have 2 children - you actually have 3. I am fairly certain that my husband would rather poke a pointy stick in his eye than ever admit he couldn't cope with his own children. I feel sorry for your MIL offering to come and pick them up because she's realised what an incompetent, useless lump her son is.

Don't feel guilty. This is 100% your DH's doing. Put the guilt back where it belongs I.e. on him and his inability to get his kids as far as his mothers house on his own.

His ears should be bloody burning. Hopefully he'll be so embarrassed about his entire family now knowing what a shit dad he is that he will be forced to do some more parenting.

But HOLD FIRM. However sad MIL is and however arsey DH is. YOU did not cause this.

How old are your children? He can cope, he just wants to get pissed and not do any of the work. He probably realises that if he has them together this time there's no excuse not to do it again.

Are you going to tell him that his poor mother has had to offer to give up time on her birthday to ferry his DC around because he can't be arsed to OP? Wonder if that will shame him into it or if he'll just turn it around on you for telling her what he'd said? Which way he jumps might have a pretty big bearing on whether he continues to be married if he was my DH.

You need to find a regular thing you want to do and leave him with the kids for that time. A book club or gym class or even just going to the pub for a glass of wine!

Just get out of the house for an hour or 2 on a regular night and make that his night.

Maybe the next time the kids have a weekend event like a birthday party or something you tell your husband that you have plans so he is in charge that day. And if he tries to argue just keep repeating "they are your kids, do you think you don't need to put in any effort?".

When DH is home, can't you nip to the shop alone or go to the gym or meet a friend for coffee without the kids at the weekend? Sounds ridiculous.

He needs to step up and be a parent to both at once. Pretty pathetic that he's NEVER done it.

Well done on grassing him up to his mother, at least she knows it's not you being difficult but her son being completely useless.

How on earth can he not cope with his own children? What does he think you do everyday? I would be irate. Surely he finds this mortifying?

I also think you should find a gym class or something to go to one evening a week and insist he copes with the kids alone.

BUT why are YOU receiving a call from upset MIL and why are YOU having to reassure her. You have promised her that the kids will be there but what happens if your husband point blank refuses - will YOU give up your day with your mum?

When she called you should have said " I know that you'd love them there on Sunday and I know that you're upset. Perhaps you should call him and let him know."

Let your husband know that you will be leaving the house at X o'clock on Sunday to spend the day with your Mum, you will be leaving the children and it is entirely up to him whether he goes to his Mum's birthday celebration or not but you will not be taking responsibility for his decisions. This sounds very much like he doesn't want you to have a child free day.

Well, he's either going to have a massive tantrum - or he's going to realise how lazy, selfish and sexist his behaviour has been and try to improve. You know him better than we do, OP, which do you think is likely?

He’s unreasonable. Plus lazy and selfish. Him having sole care of both children definitely needs to become of a thing now. Your MIL needs to be firmer with him.

You could point out to him that if you were to divorce him for his patheticness he'd have both DC on his own EOW.

People like this give dads a bad name.

"Feeling a bit guilty as I've just had a phone call from a very upset MIL."

You should have told her to call her son about it.

He'll doubtless say he didn't mean it

Presumably she knows he's useless or she wouldn't have been offering to collect them?

Make sure he does take them!

It's his mum's bday-it's not about him!

Presumably he can get pissed with his brother/s/sibling/s another time.