To wonder why my husband is incapable?

[eeva90]

Long time lurker, first time poster...

DM and MIL have the same birthday. DH and I have been together 6 years and this has never been an issue. He will do something with MIL and I will do something with DM. Last year he went to MIL's and I took DS to DM's.

DM and MIL both have meals planned for this Sunday at similar times (v inconvenient). MIL has decided she would like her grandchildren there which is fine. I would like to see DM as DB is bringing his new GF to the meal and I want to meet her! I have said to DH, take the kids with you to the meal as MIL would love to spend the day with them.

DH is point blank refusing to take DC by himself. Says 2 kids is too much to handle (despite me doing it everyday). I have told him that MIL would be very hands on (as she always is with the kids) so he wouldn't be alone.

DH is now calling me selfish and unreasonable for 'ruining his mother's birthday because I won't take the kids!' Despite me being happy for DC to go with him...

AIBU? Or is he?

Tell MIL. They will be going, then he has too take them.

Agree. Tell MIL and ofcourse she'll offer to look after DC, then say to DH "Problem solved - your mums happy to help you!"

Then piss off to your DMs and have a lovely day

And, I would start making DH look after them single-handedly more! Me & DS were always taken swimming or to other activities just with our DF - he needs to get a grip.

@SnakesNarmitzvah things have moved on a tad since the original post...

What does “promise to change” mean?

I don’t think you need to walk away from your marriage right now but you need to sit down and talk properly.

Perhaps you could take some time this evening?

Agree with posters saying you need to sit down and properly talk things through. And preferably in your own home or another neutral space without the kids or family there.

You need to allow him to express his thoughts and feelings- whatever they are- as well as expressing yours, and after that, then see if an agreement can be found that will work. I thought the idea of you putting forward suggested days/times where he takes the DC's was a good one.

I agree I think your dynamic from the beginning has been him as boss and it has never changed. He gave you a direct order and you went against him and he could not cope so he is punishing you

For this to survive and you be happy that dynamic has to change and I am not sure it can

I have my doubts about the idea of agreed times for dad and kids to spend together, for three reasons:

1. sounds more like a post divorce contact schedule, than a healthy marriage between two equal partners and parents
2. comparisons with a childminder or worse the these are the times he will “help” - he’s their father ALL the time, not just when he’s agreed to be
3. it’s ripe for further piss takes along the lines of “no you can’t go for a pub lunch with your friend this Saturday, it’s not my agreed afternoon to “help” with the children. So I won’t” Just my tuppence worth, although I can see the logic behind the suggestion too.

Yeah I see where @Youseethethingis is coming from, but I think in this instance it would be a good first step for a couple where the balance hasn't existed before. The structure could support the DH to get used to looking after both DC's (even though it shouldn't have to be this way ofc)!

Also, it could be a useful barometer to test how willing the DH actually is to changing. Eg if the OP puts forward the suggestion of times (eg every Saturday morning or whatever) and the DH says a flat out 'no' then she will know where the relationship stands.

&dramaschoolmums all very valid points. As long as it doesn’t become the new normal in the longer term it could be a short term arrangement to steer the ship from the rocks. In the mid to long term I can only imagine it would cause its own problems and the OP would still be resentful of this twits happy wee airy fairy not-my-responsibility-sucks-to-be-you lifestyle. Oh I’m getting annoyed all over again just thinking about it

I hope the solution to all this is that his mum comes to get him and the kids, looks after the kids all afternoon and he gets sloshed and then she drives them all home again!?!

Can see that happening regularly and it would be a fairly pathetic solution!

Isn’t!!! Not is!

holidayshopping things have moved on...

OP, I hope everything has gone alright today with you/DB/DH.

It must be a bit weird to read new posts that are out of kilter with what’s happened... new thread?

Give us the nod if you’re setting up new, I think there’s a few of us would like to stick with you :)

Hope today is going ok OP.

Hi OP , I've just caught up on your thread. Your DF is a legend!
I think there is hope for your marriage, I agree with the other PP who suggest you should talk things through with DH at home without the DC's present and see if you can sort it out. Good Luckx

I hope things are going ok, op, and you are having a good heart to heart chat and can move forwards together from this.

It's really not normal for people to conduct their entire lives in a vacuum of secrecy. If my husband is a dick, I threaten to tell his mum! It always works.

Sorry but that is very very far from normal whatever you think.

There are some sensible posts later on, I hope you are having a good talk and are able to sort it out.

Sorry but that is very very far from normal whatever you think.

Living in a vacuum of secrecy isn't normal either, and PP is right that it can encourage people to stay in relationships that are unhappy, due to lack of perspective. Women have been expected to suffer in silence and it is good that is changing.

OP went to her parents after her DH walked out on her in a really cruel way. She hasn't been going to them every five seconds. Her father has every right to answer a question her DH asked her.

And clearly many many people do think it is healthy to seek support from their families when they suffer particularly distressing events in their relationships, as evidenced by this thread alone.

Can he change, of course he can but will he? Probably not if you’re not prepared to put his feet to the fire. You’ve enabled his fuckeittery for far too long and he will try to win you round with the minimum of effort. A few platitudes here and a ‘I promise I’ll change’ there.

A personality change is required from both of you. You need to stop being so damn grateful and I he needs to start being involved.

The sad truth is being a SAHM reinforces a gender stereotype in most men and women. My Ex spent more time talking about being a ‘new man’ that actually being one. I ran myself ragged being ‘supportive’ (doing the major domestic share, which he never appreciated because it was an expectation. The reverse being if he did anything domestic or parental, he would need praise.

This is a turning point, don’t squander it by rolling over and falling for ‘I’ll change’ because you know that he won’t if you accept his talk, without actually walking the walk.

read page 6 & onwards and you'll see the situation has changed slightly since the original first post

Oh come on Leo there is a big difference between a vacuum of secrecy and encouraging family member interference in your relationship/ keeping 'dh in line' by threatening to grass him up to mummy (as that poster says is 'normal' for her ). I'd be gone from any relationship where a bloke tried to control me like that!

The OP was crossing this line/ on the edge of doing so and some people on the thread gave ridiculous advice like 'run away to your mum and leave him with the kids' I mean come on this is an adult relationship with children involved not the playground. Okay her Dad said something, that's done but ultimately she needs to sort it out herself is the point.

She has also been given sensible advice.

That was a throwaway comment by one poster Tea, my point is you've kind of made out she's running to her family for everything, which she hasn't. You've also been extremely dismissive of getting support from her family at all.

I know some people think everything should stay within the relationship, but that can be very unhealthy. Having been in an emotionally abusive relationship that made me miserable for years, and speaking to my family being crucial to removing the scales from my eyes and getting out of the situation, sometimes getting outside perspective from those that know you and love you best can be really important.

I think you say you were happy but need him to step up

Tell him this.
Please if you want to stay married give him a way forward..

teatea is being ridiculous. The op has been protecting her dh and pretending he’s a fully capable adult. He’s not. She stopped protecting his reputation quite as thoroughly. He brought his mum into it (speaking of his mum op she is definitely not on your side). Her dad answered his question - I can’t imagine a reason for him not to be honest. The more people the op tells the better- hopefully in a few weeks it will be hi x I can absolutely do drinks, dh is making a real effort to step up parenting!

It wasn't a throwaway comment she made it in all seriousness! That was what your quote related to

I'm not being ridiculous if the OP actually wants her marriage to have a chance. If not and she's happy to split up then rock on, get them all involved and get him on the Jeremy Kyle show. Cos yeah it's your right to talk to who you like to avoid this 'vow of silence'.

Him getting his mum involved is also wrong, but tit for tat never ever helps to resolve significant issues re her husband's behaviour that they need to work out between the two of them.