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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why my husband is incapable?

402 replies

eeva90 · 24/04/2019 16:00

Long time lurker, first time poster...

DM and MIL have the same birthday. DH and I have been together 6 years and this has never been an issue. He will do something with MIL and I will do something with DM. Last year he went to MIL's and I took DS to DM's.

DM and MIL both have meals planned for this Sunday at similar times (v inconvenient). MIL has decided she would like her grandchildren there which is fine. I would like to see DM as DB is bringing his new GF to the meal and I want to meet her! I have said to DH, take the kids with you to the meal as MIL would love to spend the day with them.

DH is point blank refusing to take DC by himself. Says 2 kids is too much to handle (despite me doing it everyday). I have told him that MIL would be very hands on (as she always is with the kids) so he wouldn't be alone.

DH is now calling me selfish and unreasonable for 'ruining his mother's birthday because I won't take the kids!' Despite me being happy for DC to go with him...

AIBU? Or is he?

OP posts:
Original poster
eeva90 · 24/04/2019 18:26

You're all right. I have been rolling over. I've always felt guilty because he works long hours in a stressful job so I tried to take the home stress off him too.

I feel I don't always deserve help because he works so hard. I know this isn't the right thing to feel, but I can't always help it.

I'll call him and tell him he either comes home and sorts himself out or I'll be going to DM's until he is a better father and husband.

OP posts:
diddl · 24/04/2019 18:30

"I've always felt guilty because he works long hours in a stressful job so I tried to take the home stress off him too. "

But surely he also wanted the kids & wants to spend time with them?

AnnieCat84 · 24/04/2019 18:33

Oh my god, husbands/men like this drive me insane! How embarrassing that they are incapable of looking after their own children. He helped make them for Christ's sake Hmm

Original poster
eeva90 · 24/04/2019 18:35

@diddl he does. When he comes home he will play with them etc, on weekends takes them out (one at a time) but I take on the bulk of the actual childcare (bath time, night time stuff, dinner time etc).

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 24/04/2019 18:36

I hope he doesn't want more kids as I can't see how you'd want to shag such an embarrassment. Sorry OP. Stay fired up and bollock this prat.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 24/04/2019 18:38

Regardless if what happens today or tomorrow. When he gets home I hope you inform him you’re off out to see your DM or a friend or anything you can think of. If he can stomp out and tell you he’ll return when he wants, then so can you.

Herland · 24/04/2019 18:39

I have to say a 2 year old and a six month old are quite a daunting combination for someone who is not used to looking after little ones. BUT how is he ever going to gain in confidence and be an equal parent if he walks away from every opportunity to learn.

I would also look at how you manage the children at home - do you do everything? It is often easier to take over and do a quicker and better job but you are making a rod for your own back in the longer run.

Quartz2208 · 24/04/2019 18:40

Yes tell him that because I think the only reason he has never been like this before is you have never challenged him

Look at how reasonable you were and how he has acted

I think telling him that makes sense and then tell him he can deal with his family

diddl · 24/04/2019 18:42

Well he interacts with them so that's something.

The whole point was though that his mum wanted to see them on her bday & he completely flipped because you can't be there.

He's not even going to have to look after them alone is he-just get the there & back!

Herland · 24/04/2019 18:50

A friend of mine recently died after a short illness. She was in her early thirties with three kids. At that point I looked at my husband and thought would he be able to care for our children without me? I need him to be able to look after them properly. Despite his stressful job, (he can outsource cleaning, and washing if he needs to) I need to know that he can play, wash, dress, chastise, discipline, cuddle, love and teach appropriately. He can only do this if I give over a bit of my power and control of all things parentin and really encourage him make him take some responsibility. If I was going out in the day time, I'd make sure the kids were dressed and organised before I went. If I was going out at night, they would be in their jammies and I'd do stories before I went out. I stopped and he stepped up. I'm not totally convinced the kids would ever get a birthday or Christmas present again if I were to kark it Grin but at least I know they'd be ok!

I get the pressure to take on all child/home responsibilities (especially if you don't work) but he has to at least know HOW to do it.

CupoTeap · 24/04/2019 18:51

Well his reaction isn't one that will change peoples minds

Butteredghost · 24/04/2019 19:03

Just when I think my opinion of men is at rock bottom, they bring out some dynamite.

Butteredghost · 24/04/2019 19:05

At that point I looked at my husband and thought would he be able to care for our children without me?

Most men I've heard of who this has happened to have moved straight in with their mums and grandma takes care of the children.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 24/04/2019 19:12

Me, too, Butteredghost. Or gave up the children to his deceased wife's family members... very sad.

WTFdidwedo · 24/04/2019 19:21

I have a 1 year old and 2 year old with a 17 month age gap and I still don't take them out by myself because they're too much hard work. I've probably gone out solo about three times in 13 months with them. My husband and I go out together or we take them out one at a time where possible. Both of mine are the most difficult children in the world though (as confirmed by all of my family who will always offer to have my eldest but not youngest as she's "too much hard work").

That said, your "D"H wouldn't be alone with them if he's out for a family meal so I can't understand his argument at all! If either of them were hard work surely someone else at the table would offer to help?! Particularly as you've already said about MIL being hands on.

FookMeFookYou · 24/04/2019 19:22

Eye roll

marvellousnightforamooncup · 24/04/2019 19:29

Fuck me the bar is low for husbands. Mine can cook, tidy up, care for the kids and wipe his own arse. He's a keeper!

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 24/04/2019 19:32

I've always felt guilty because he works long hours in a stressful job

I feel I don't always deserve help because he works so hard.

You only have his word for how 'hard' he works - I've lost count of the threads on here where the OP excuses shoddy/zero input from the father of their DC because, diddums he has to go to work. Cry me a river. Stop enabling him, plenty of other parents juggle work/kids - hell, how does he think single resident parents cope?!

Settlersofcatan · 24/04/2019 19:40

butterghost - how depressing!

My cousin died when her sons were 7 and 9 and her DH has done a great job as a single parent. He has had help from family but he has always seen himself as primarily responsible for them and they are a real credit to him (grown up now).

AngeloMysterioso · 24/04/2019 21:26

Is he home yet OP?

RomanyQueen1 · 24/04/2019 22:23

Marvellous

Totally agree, I'd give you a smiley if it wasn't true.

NoSquirrels · 24/04/2019 23:19

I have to say a 2 year old and a six month old are quite a daunting combination for someone who is not used to looking after little ones. BUT how is he ever going to gain in confidence and be an equal parent if he walks away from every opportunity to learn.

This. When my DC2 was 6 months, with a similar-ish age gap to you, OP, my DH would have been a bit the same - I was breastfeeding and on maternity leave so that would've been the "excuse" for my DH. He would never have admitted he "couldn't cope with both of them" but it boils down to that, I guess. But there is hope - when I went back to work 4 days a week in a stressful job by the time DC2 was 12 months, and he was on short-term contracts/freelancing, he had to step up and sort stuff himself and learn his own ways to deal with it. And it was bloody hard to watch him stuff up, but it had to be done. And sometimes I have profoundly disagreed with his ways to deal with it - he's much more of a disciplinarian than me. But, the DC love him, they know where they stand with him, and they all have fun without me around because the bonds got forged properly and they all lived and learned and grew together. I had to make sure that happened because as a PP says, what if something catastrophic happened to me? I needed to know he could cope, for their sakes.

Now he's almost as good at it all as I am. Almost. Grin

I hope your DH is back from the pub and you've both had a heart to heart. My DH might have reacted like yours, upon being called out on rubbish behaviour and laziness, but he'd also have backed down and felt bad and made amends once he'd reflected. I hope your DH is like that too. Flowers

Ihatehashtags · 25/04/2019 07:58

Absolutely pathetic on his part. He is an embarrassment. The reason he is reacting like this and saying he is furious is because you’ve spilt the beans he’s a selfish prick. And he does look bad because it IS BAD!!!!

Original poster
eeva90 · 25/04/2019 08:57

Morning everyone.

He didn't come home last night. I haven't heard from him. I'm at DM's. Any ideas for next steps because I have no idea. I'm a SAHM. I have savings so I'm not completely financially dependent.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 25/04/2019 09:04

He's a cunt. Stay at your Mother's. How dare he treat you like that.

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