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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why my husband is incapable?

402 replies

eeva90 · 24/04/2019 16:00

Long time lurker, first time poster...

DM and MIL have the same birthday. DH and I have been together 6 years and this has never been an issue. He will do something with MIL and I will do something with DM. Last year he went to MIL's and I took DS to DM's.

DM and MIL both have meals planned for this Sunday at similar times (v inconvenient). MIL has decided she would like her grandchildren there which is fine. I would like to see DM as DB is bringing his new GF to the meal and I want to meet her! I have said to DH, take the kids with you to the meal as MIL would love to spend the day with them.

DH is point blank refusing to take DC by himself. Says 2 kids is too much to handle (despite me doing it everyday). I have told him that MIL would be very hands on (as she always is with the kids) so he wouldn't be alone.

DH is now calling me selfish and unreasonable for 'ruining his mother's birthday because I won't take the kids!' Despite me being happy for DC to go with him...

AIBU? Or is he?

OP posts:
MustShowDH · 25/04/2019 23:20

The kids can come with you to your DMs birthday and he can go to your MIL on his own - just like he's chosen to do now.

The pair of them are welcome to each other.

PickAChew · 26/04/2019 00:23

Your MIL sounds as manipulative has he is. She's as much me me me as he is. I wish them every luck, together.

mmgirish · 26/04/2019 00:43

Wow. You do have MIL problem as well as s DH problem. I'm glad you have a supportive family. What are their opinions of your child/mil?

chardonm · 26/04/2019 00:46

I would honestly just book a trip for a few days or something, solo and let him look after his kids. I'd plan it when you know for certain MIL is already busy with things.

Beargrin · 26/04/2019 00:54

What an awful man!! If two kids are too much for him to handle then 1. He shouldn't have had two kids and 2. He should never be leaving you alone with them?! He's nuts.

Not coming home was a power play. Well done for taking the power back op.

billybagpuss · 26/04/2019 05:58

I’d actually take the kids around to see her while he’s at work, she’ll be delighted to see gc’s And you can fill her in over a cuppa, I wouldn’t read too much into her actions yesterday as she would have been in quite an awkward position when he turned up.

Although if my ds did that I would tell him to grow the fuck up and go look after his family.

Holidayshopping · 26/04/2019 06:57

I can’t believe he disappeared to hers and they didn’t tell you where he was? You could have called the police!

What do you plan to do?

Original poster
eeva90 · 26/04/2019 07:33

Woke up this morning feeling a little bit lost - and a little bit scared about the future? I love him but I need things to change. I'm just not convinced that they will so I don't know where to go from here. DH is not abusive, but he's lazy, thoughtless and selfish. Crucially I'm not happy.

Most of my friends are SAHM and they all think I would be mad to leave him because I might have to go back to work etc but I think a lot of them would rather be with their kids alll the time in an unhappy marriage rather than be a happy single parent that has to work.

DB is due to go to our house today to fix a leak in the sink anyway so I will go back with him but leave the kids with DM. DH usually works from home on a Friday. DB And DH have a strained relationship at the best of times so I'm expecting today to be...tense!

OP posts:
Ruru8thestars · 26/04/2019 07:49

Good luck with the conversation

Nanny0gg · 26/04/2019 07:51

What did your DF sat to him when he turned up?

Quartz2208 · 26/04/2019 07:51

what is he actually saying at the moment - he escalated this

pinkyredrose · 26/04/2019 07:52

Hope today goes well. Do you think your husband will realise the effects his actions have had? I'd be interested in his plans to 'change'. Hopefully he'll realise that you're meant to be in a partnership. At the moment it sounds like he's against you not with you.

Why is his relationship with your brother strained?

nanbread · 26/04/2019 07:57

Next time you feel stressed and need a break @eeva90 you just leave the house when DH has the kids and go to your parents without telling him... stay out all night without letting your husband and children know where you are. Because that's fine apparently according to your DH and MIL.

This is a great way of illustrating how entitled and selfish your DH is and how enabling his mother is. And how you are just expected to pick up the pieces.

Original poster
eeva90 · 26/04/2019 07:59

@Nanny0gg DF told him that he needs to sort himself out and that he can't carry on being a part time parent. Told him that he was disappointed in him because when we met he thought he was a good man but he's letting his family down.

OP posts:
Original poster
eeva90 · 26/04/2019 08:02

@pinkyredrose DB has just always thought he was a wanker! DH is 10 years older than me and was my boss. DH was separated but not divorced from his ExW when we met and DB always thought that they were still together when I met him although he swore they weren't and there was no evidence to the contrary.

OP posts:
Teateaandmoretea · 26/04/2019 08:02

Yanbu but I think that you need relationship counselling before making any major decisions.

Unlike others I think you were in the wrong for grassing him up to MIL - you are adults and your relationship is none of her business. Likewise, it isn't her fault your DH is a lazy twat, its his fault. Not everything has to be the fault of a woman! In terms of the DC you should have just said 'I am going to my mum's birthday dinner, in terms of the children can you talk to DH about it please', his arrangements are his responsibility.

FWIW I have no doubt at all that my MIL would always take the side of her son (as many/ most would) and would probably offer to ferry him around. But my DH certainly doesnt behave like yours.

You are right to not be prepared to put up with this shit though and he needs to grow up or get lost fundamentally.

FiveStoryFire · 26/04/2019 08:04

Just skim-read this thread aghast at your DH.
Well done for standing your ground OP. His behaviour is appalling.

Teateaandmoretea · 26/04/2019 08:14

DF told him that he needs to sort himself out and that he can't carry on being a part time parent. Told him that he was disappointed in him because when we met he thought he was a good man but he's letting his family down.

Shock wtf? Your dad had a go at him? I can just imagine what would happen in this house if FIL started getting involved in our disagreements. Jesus you are ADULTS. Yes he's behaved like a prick but I'd be furious if DH started getting his parents involved in an argument. It is between you and him no one else.

homeishere · 26/04/2019 08:18

Terrible OP. Hopefully you can work out a future together, but not at the expense of your happiness.

Original poster
eeva90 · 26/04/2019 08:21

@Teateaandmoretea he didn't have a go at him. It was a chat. DH asked DF what he thought and DF told him!

OP posts:
Theredjellybean · 26/04/2019 08:22

Oh OP... What a twat your dh is.

But I don't think you are doing yourself any favours here.

This is what your dh sees/is thinking... Eeva has had a bit of strop and taken her self off to her mother's.. All because I quite reasonably told her she had to look after the dc on Sunday at my mother's party. I had to go to the pub.. After all don't want to go home to listen to her having another go, then I had a very nice night being looked after by mummy.. Why the bloody hell can't Eeva be more like mummy, she'd never have made this fuss... Oh well look a lovely quiet house, no kids or wife demanding "to talk".. Perfect I'll crack on being busy and important and wait for her to come crawling back...

I can't see he is suffering in any way for his appalling behaviour and I bet he isn't giving it a moments thought while you meanwhile are agonising over the state of your marriage.

I'd be back home with both kids right now, and I'd be packing a bag and going back to my mother's leaving kids with him.

Teateaandmoretea · 26/04/2019 08:26

Okay that isn't as bad although my DF wouldn't answer the question I know that. Parents (and brothers) on both sides need to stay out of it in the future, it is between the 2 of you and no one else. Otherwise it is a recipe for disaster whether DH changes or not.

Holidayshopping · 26/04/2019 08:27

I think you should stop involving your parents and brother and his mum, take your kids home and talk to your DH.

Find out what is actually going on.

Why can’t he look after two kids?
Why is it fair that you should take them and he go 6 to your mum’s (or you chauffeur him around so he can drink)?
How did he think you felt when he disappeared overnight leaving you with two kids and didn’t tell you where he’d gone? What would he do if you did that to him? Especially when he cant manage his kids for one afternoon? Would he ring the police or just drive them round to him mummy so she can look after them?

I’d be interested to know his train of thought on it all.

PrayingandHoping · 26/04/2019 08:28

What was DH response to what DF said?

I'd suggest you go home eeva. In his eyes you've almost done the same as him running back to your parents house when there's trouble. Go home, stand your ground and set out your requirements of him as a husband.

Teateaandmoretea · 26/04/2019 08:29

I'd be packing a bag and going back to my mother's leaving kids with him.

Not sure I'd do that personally if he is incapable of looking after them. It is also one again game playing which she needs to not engage with and be the bigger person. There is some very strange advice on this thread - there are two children involved here who surely have to be the priority whatever happens?

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