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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why my husband is incapable?

402 replies

eeva90 · 24/04/2019 16:00

Long time lurker, first time poster...

DM and MIL have the same birthday. DH and I have been together 6 years and this has never been an issue. He will do something with MIL and I will do something with DM. Last year he went to MIL's and I took DS to DM's.

DM and MIL both have meals planned for this Sunday at similar times (v inconvenient). MIL has decided she would like her grandchildren there which is fine. I would like to see DM as DB is bringing his new GF to the meal and I want to meet her! I have said to DH, take the kids with you to the meal as MIL would love to spend the day with them.

DH is point blank refusing to take DC by himself. Says 2 kids is too much to handle (despite me doing it everyday). I have told him that MIL would be very hands on (as she always is with the kids) so he wouldn't be alone.

DH is now calling me selfish and unreasonable for 'ruining his mother's birthday because I won't take the kids!' Despite me being happy for DC to go with him...

AIBU? Or is he?

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 25/04/2019 21:04

Your MIL is not on your side

Look at it this way - she made demands wanting your children and then rang you upset and almost expected you to give up time with your family

She never questions him and lets him get away with everything

They are both your issue stand your ground and let your children be with you for your mums birthday

Original poster
eeva90 · 25/04/2019 21:06

@Youseethethingis that's what I'm starting to wonder. He must have told her I'm an awful wife/mother for her to think he needs time away from me.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 25/04/2019 21:08

But it was ok for you to have a night of stress wondering where he was, while also actually looking after the two kids on your own? Yeah, cheers, MIL.

Notwiththeseknees · 25/04/2019 21:10

OP, he said that she said that. She very possibly didn't. Given that she has already given him one bollocking - which is what caused his sulk in the first place.......
She sounded as if she had your back yesterday.....

Original poster
eeva90 · 25/04/2019 21:14

@Notwiththeseknees no, she did say that. I've spoken to her. I wouldn't have believed it if he would have said it

OP posts:
Silvanna · 25/04/2019 21:16

He's got some nerve to go back to his Mum's and play the victim instead of staying with the children that he hasn't seen all day& night. Would be useful if she put some sense into his head, but he'll always be her baby so wouldn't count with it Confused

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 25/04/2019 21:17

So, he bogged off back to MIL? And she says he needed a night off from stress? He isn't going to change, not one little bit.

He's a wanker and she's an idiot for enabling him

^^This. I can't believe he went to stay with mummy and left your DF to look after his kids without a backwards glance! Also agree with a PP that your MIL will side with him - and bang on schedule she already has. He's a selfish shit, unless he massively changes and apologises (doubtful) then it looks like it's time to see a SHL.

Grainedmonkey · 25/04/2019 21:17

OP you will get no sympathy from MIL , she clearly sees your DH through rose tinted glasses, I would keep conversations with her to a minimum during this situation

PCohle · 25/04/2019 21:18

Jesus fucking Christ, so much for thinking your MIL was sympathetic.

Enjoy your WineWineWineOP, you deserve it .

Notwiththeseknees · 25/04/2019 21:24

Wow. I'm so sorry. Glad your parents are supportive, they sound ace.

LavaLampLover · 25/04/2019 21:27

Wow. Good thing you've seen his true colours and can walk away.

GenericHamster · 25/04/2019 21:27

I certainly wouldn’t enable mil seeing the children now.

Gettingthroughthedays · 25/04/2019 21:31

MIL will be no help here and is probably unwittingly encouraging it by saying he needs a break from stress. What bloody stress! He has 2 children he doesn't need to worry about because YOU do everything and deal with the stress.

Have a fabulous night out and let him prove he's going to change. Being with MIL isn't going to help that because he will be mollycoddled. He should be back at home thinking how to rectify his shitiness.

sonjadog · 25/04/2019 21:31

It doesn't sound like he has any plans of changing, OP.

SoHotADragonRetired · 25/04/2019 21:39

She said he needed a night off from stress

Aaaaaaand here we have the root of the problem, MIL babies and indulges him and as a consequence he believes the world revolves around him and he's too special to look after his own children.

I'm sorry OP.

CostanzaG · 25/04/2019 21:45

Looks like you also have a mil problem.
If my DH behaved like this his mum, dad and sisters would come down on him like a ton of bricks. He would not be indulged.

Holidayshopping · 25/04/2019 21:53

With a DH like that and MIL like her, I’m not quite sure how you go forward?!

Is the MIL cross with you too?

BBBear · 25/04/2019 21:57

Ask your MIL exactly what stress she thinks her precious boy is under.

Gettingthroughthedays · 25/04/2019 21:57

Seeing as his mum is so good to him, why don't you turn that around and ask why he can't care about his own children to the same degree. He should be ashamed of himself.

Absofrigginlootly · 25/04/2019 22:19

.

rosequartz10 · 25/04/2019 22:34

Next time you feel stressed and need a break @eeva90 you just leave the house when DH has the kids and go to your parents without telling him... stay out all night without letting your husband and children know where you are. Because that's fine apparently according to your DH and MIL.

rosequartz10 · 25/04/2019 22:34

Next time you feel stressed and need a break @eeva90 you just leave the house when DH has the kids and go to your parents without telling him... stay out all night without letting your husband and children know where you are. Because that's fine apparently according to your DH and MIL.

ltk · 25/04/2019 22:36

He wants a mummy, not a wife/partner. Evidenced by his current whereabouts. Let him go home to mummy permanently; you can only hope that they will be very happy together. You already have 2 children to look after.

ShinyShoe · 25/04/2019 22:42

Wow just wow. Just read the thread. I’m gobsmacked on your behalf that a grown man would act like this! You have a MIL problem as well as a DH problem. You need to stand your ground now until they both apologise to you or your future life with these two in it looks very bleak indeed. You sound like you have a wonderful family. What a shame that you got involved with the man you did :( with a wonderful family like yours, if you had a good DH, your life would be incredible. Don’t let him ruin it. You deserve better than being treated like the 2nd class citizen he thinks you are

k1233 · 25/04/2019 23:00

Eeva, it sounds like you have a wonderful, supportive family. I'd still change the locks to scare the crap out of the bastard. Give him a key when he agrees to step up and do whatever you think is reasonable.

Your father sounds like a great role model for your children.

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