To wonder why my husband is incapable?

[eeva90]

Long time lurker, first time poster...

DM and MIL have the same birthday. DH and I have been together 6 years and this has never been an issue. He will do something with MIL and I will do something with DM. Last year he went to MIL's and I took DS to DM's.

DM and MIL both have meals planned for this Sunday at similar times (v inconvenient). MIL has decided she would like her grandchildren there which is fine. I would like to see DM as DB is bringing his new GF to the meal and I want to meet her! I have said to DH, take the kids with you to the meal as MIL would love to spend the day with them.

DH is point blank refusing to take DC by himself. Says 2 kids is too much to handle (despite me doing it everyday). I have told him that MIL would be very hands on (as she always is with the kids) so he wouldn't be alone.

DH is now calling me selfish and unreasonable for 'ruining his mother's birthday because I won't take the kids!' Despite me being happy for DC to go with him...

AIBU? Or is he?

I hope you do let his mother know how incredibly selfish is ... wouldn't even come home because he didn't want to look after his own children by himself ... in a car ride ... because he wasn't even going to be on his own as he was going to hers!

What a selfish arse.

Good god. Your husband is a useless, selfish, waste of space.

Hasn't he looked after his kids before? That's totally weird!

Maybe his mum did do too much for her sons.

But does that really mean he can't have taken both his kids to see her, popped to the park with them for an hour?

That should have occurred to him by now imo.

What an arse!

Presumably not coming home to show you that he is entitled to behave how he wants

So your dad is capable of looking after two children but your dh can't.
Some men step up. Let's hope he sees what he'll loose.

What a complete prick.
Your Dad has totally shown him how he should behave, babysitting 2 children with ease rather than having a strop. Stand firm and have a good night out.

I've just read to the end of this thread. What I can't get over is that he is cross with YOU!!

He genuinely believes that you have grassed him up or something equally as ridiculous.

Has he actually vocalised what it is about looking after two children with help is so hard? Or indeed why he thinks it ok for you to do it daily with no help. Does this mean of its so hard he'll be getting you a nanny? You know for support.

I would love to be a fly on the wall when he comes home later expecting to see you and your DF is there and you are out. Enjoy your evening out OP. You deserve it

Sorry it's escalated so quickly eeva90

He's let me down too often.
Do this is really the final straw?

He makes me feel so weak.

Before we were together I was very strong, very independent. 6 years of waiting on him hand and foot has broken that out of me.
So, definitely time for a change. I hope a positive one for all concerned but you now have a difficult time on your hands as he's so used to being the "Alpha" used to people doing what he wants.

she has 4 sons who are all children in men's bodies. FIL died when DH was 10 so she's spent a lot of their lives pandering to them out of guilt! She's sadly not done herself, her sons, not their partners and children any favours. Too late now as far as she's concerned - but her sons all need to step up.

For yourself, start thinking about your own future, job, childcare and financial future to regain some independence. Either, hopefully because the two of you can sort this out fairly and to mutual satisfaction or, worse scenario, if you go your separate ways.

Good luck OP - and thank goodness for your mum and dad! 🌹

I hope you have a lovely time OP, and your dad will have fun with the kids I bet.

I think it’s really sad that some men feel like this about their own children. I’m a nurse and myself, and most of my colleagues rely on our partners to do everything for our kids when we work 3/4 12 hour shifts so bed time, mornings, weekends etc they do it all and mine was police (am now a single parent) so both working shifts long hours and plenty stress. My ex is a wonderful dad to my youngest boys and was to my older two when we lived together too (still is we get on great but not romantically anymore)

I really hope your DH has a reality check and realises what he’s missing and becomes the husband and father you and your children deserve and quick. Along with lots of grovelling but I doubt he would.

Well good for you OP

I wonder what excuse he has given his mother for being at her house (I’m guessing that’s where he is?)

“I’m here because she underminded me! I told her I wasn’t having both children for you to see on your birthday and she called you and told you?! How out of order is she?!”

I admit I haven't RTFT completely, but aren't you remotely curious WHERE he stayed last night??? I'd be highly concerned about that aspect of this situation as it really seems that he found an excuse to go out and stay out.

You've got bigger problems than a man-child for a husband OP.

Good luck, OP. What a manbaby.

Enjoy your night. He'll soon learn that he can't manipulate you with emotional abuse.
It's good that you've got relatives that support you. All the best x

I can't believe he is treating you like this!
What lovely parents you have. Enjoy your night out tonight.

Still not home.

WTF! I'd be incandescent with rage.

Although you have to laugh at his idea of punishing you - by leaving you to look after your kids on your own; Oh no, how will you cope? Oh, like you do on any other day that ends in a 'Y'.

And in his desperation to not look after his own kids for one measly afternoon he's very close to sealing his fate to having them solo eow. 🤦‍♀️

Enjoy your night out eeva90 I'm glad your parents have your back 🥂

He turned up after he at finish work. At my parents house. He stopped at MIL's last night. She didn't even call me to tell me he was there! She would have known I would be worried sick. She said he needed a night off from stress .

I am on my third and I feel bloody good to be out and not have to worry about the kids. DH says he will change. I'm sceptical considering DF is still looking after the kids and DH is back at MIL's! Ha!

I feel a bit like things might be going to absolute shit around me but cheers to the fact my family is wonderful, even if my husband is a wanker. Is this the wine speaking? Will I be a wreck in the morning?

He's being ridiculous. Let's just hope you are never hospitalised or, heaven forbid, die suddenly, how will he expect to cope?

So, he bogged off back to MIL? And she says he needed a night off from stress? He isn't going to change, not one little bit.

He's a wanker and she's an idiot for enabling him.

Wow! The more i think about it, the more furious on your behalf i am. How dare he disappear off for an entire night, leaving you to worry yourself sick. I'd find that almost impossible to forgive, yet alone all the crap with him not stepping up to look after his own children. I think he has a long way to go to prove to you that he'll never try that stunt again and that he will be looking after his children more from now on.

OP You can get through this (whatever the outcome may be) with support from your family. Stay strong, have confidence in yourself. Recover your self esteem.

It’s difficult to have any respect for him or MIL given your last update. I’d insist on an awful lot more solo parenting from now on (if you stay together or not).

Hi @eeva90 I just wanted to join in by saying that his behavior is completely unacceptable. My brother is a Director at a large US hedge fund company. It is a very important job and he earns over 120k per year. He has two children - 3 and 18 months and he has no issues taking the kids himself - they are his children after all!!! His wife works and he often takes a few days holidays to mind the kids himself to save them going to minders. He’s brought them to visit our parents 2 hours drive away several times on his own.

Working hard in a good job has nothing to do with the type of parent you can be. He has been so selfish and disengaged with his own children and it’s shocking. I don’t know what happens next but I do know you need him to admit to you directly that he was wrong and that he has not been a hands on parent. His behavior is unacceptable.

God only knows what “poor me, bad eeva” tall tales he’s been feeding his mother