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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why my husband is incapable?

402 replies

eeva90 · 24/04/2019 16:00

Long time lurker, first time poster...

DM and MIL have the same birthday. DH and I have been together 6 years and this has never been an issue. He will do something with MIL and I will do something with DM. Last year he went to MIL's and I took DS to DM's.

DM and MIL both have meals planned for this Sunday at similar times (v inconvenient). MIL has decided she would like her grandchildren there which is fine. I would like to see DM as DB is bringing his new GF to the meal and I want to meet her! I have said to DH, take the kids with you to the meal as MIL would love to spend the day with them.

DH is point blank refusing to take DC by himself. Says 2 kids is too much to handle (despite me doing it everyday). I have told him that MIL would be very hands on (as she always is with the kids) so he wouldn't be alone.

DH is now calling me selfish and unreasonable for 'ruining his mother's birthday because I won't take the kids!' Despite me being happy for DC to go with him...

AIBU? Or is he?

OP posts:
ChuckleBuckles · 26/04/2019 08:32

OP hope you are feeling a bit brighter this morning, you sound like you have lovely supportive parents and extended family that have your back.

I am shocked that your husband showed up at your parents home and then just went home alone leaving the DC with your DF, what a way to show that you cannot be bothered caring for them. I don't know where you go from here but please don't make any decisions based on fear of the future, take a bit of time to think what is right for you and DC and what will make you happy. I am sure you will get there with your supportive family in your corner Flowers

hopeishere · 26/04/2019 08:36

He is a twat but you running to your parents isn't very mature behaviour either. You need to sort your own problems out.

Also massive drip feed!!

fraggle500 · 26/04/2019 08:40

.

BumpIntheNite · 26/04/2019 08:41

@hopeishere where's the drip feed? OP has updated as things have happened.

hopeishere · 26/04/2019 08:45

About him being her boss and him being separated but not divorced when they met.

Greenkit · 26/04/2019 08:53

Good for you for sticking to your guns
Good for your DF for sticking up for you

What next, what do you want?

If you leave he would be even more of a PT father, weekend asscess etc

A friend of mine said to me once, partially joking part not, my wife told me if I ever had an affair (and i know your DH hasnt) she would leave me with the kids and become the fun parent and I would have to look after the kids full time. That thought kept him in line so to speak 😁

lifebegins50 · 26/04/2019 08:55

How long was his first marriage?

Sadly it is common for some men in high earning positions to feel that should be able to dictate what happens at home. He could have felt vulnerable with 2 small children but instead of communicating those feelings and ask for reassurance he choose to control the situation.

This is about his damaged ego. Is he always "right"?

lifebegins50 · 26/04/2019 08:56

The mark of an emotionally healthy person is how they react when you say No to them. A toxic person will react negatively as they cannot compromise.

Teateaandmoretea · 26/04/2019 08:57

I don't see it as a drip feed, other than some other woman had possibly had enough of him previously. It isn't terribly relevant to the thread as far as I can see.

PickAChew · 26/04/2019 08:59

Op didn't go running to mil.
MIL mDe a request. Dh expected op to drop her equally valid plans to facilitate that request because he wasn't man enough to do it and had a strop when op refused. Op told mil that dh didn't want to take the kids on his own and offered an alternative. Then mil has a strop of her own to dH who, in turn, ramped up his own strop.

Op is perfectly entitled to confide in her own family when she realises that this is a pivotal point in their relationship. Why the hell should she just put up with it in silence?

Putting up with thing in silence, through generations of conditioning, is one of the reasons why women end up staying in miserable and often abusive relationships for far too long.

Fairylea · 26/04/2019 09:01

I’m so sorry for you op, he’s utterly useless. You deserve much better. I actually think things will only get worse if you stay with him, he’s trying to control you and manipulate you.

Fairylea · 26/04/2019 09:03

I do think both of you need to stop involving your parents so much. It sounds like there’s about 10 people in the marriage.

TheInvestigator · 26/04/2019 09:10

It's really never a good idea to marry your boss. He's the boss... That's how he thinks of himself when he looks at you.

He is the boss and you must do as you're told. And look what has happened the first time you're not doing what you're told.

I hope his mum told him how pathetic he is. And I hope you don't stay with him.

Teateaandmoretea · 26/04/2019 09:12

Putting up with thing in silence, through generations of conditioning, is one of the reasons why women end up staying in miserable and often abusive relationships for far too long.

What utter nonsense, it is about both of them involving their families and the family members then interfering. Interference was one of the biggest reasons women historically were forced to remain in awful relationships Hmm.

No one is suggesting that she puts up but the game playing is staggering to me. They both need to grow up and the DH needs to stop behaving like a prick. But ultimately a romantic, adult relationship is between 2 people only.

BobBobBobbingAlong · 26/04/2019 09:26

Is he working from home today?

DisappearingGirl · 26/04/2019 09:32

Hmmmm .... I think just pause a bit and make sure you don't let MN push you into something too hasty! I think MN is great for supporting and empowering women to stand up for themselves, expect more when men are being a bit rubbish, etc.

However I think on these threads there's sometimes a bit of a push that if your partner is rubbish once you should LTB.

I think a lot of men are a bit like this sometimes whilst still being good partners and dads for the most part. My partner is a good man, loves me, loves our kids, works hard, but can be a bit rubbish sometimes. I can totally imagine him not wanting to take a baby & toddler to a party. Partly laziness, and partly that looking after a baby and toddler is hard work, especially if he doesn't do it much (which is of course a self-reinforcing situation!).

I know it sounds like I'm making excuses for him and I'm not trying to - he IS a bit rubbish for not wanting to take them to the party and also for running off to MIL's. And I think it's good you've had a chance to think about what's reasonable behaviour, the balance of power etc. However I wouldn't want to see you goaded into throwing away an otherwise good relationship.

I can sort of see why he might feel you grassed him up a bit to MIL. I'd probably say I'm sorry if he felt grassed up - however that wasn't your aim, you just didn't want MIL to think it was you not letting kids go to her party.

Also I think having a baby and a toddler is one of the hardest stages and a lot of relationships struggle at that point. We sometimes argued about DP not wanting to take out baby+toddler - however that has resolved itself by them being older and he will now take them both out so the problem has disappeared.

Good luck!!

woolduvet · 26/04/2019 09:35

I agree about not making rash decisions. Be clear about what you want to be able to move forward.
One night off a month, where he steps up and parents big children.
One afternoon off, again where they're his responsibility, no running of to mil. If he wants this relationship with them, he has to put the work in. Tell him you'll help him but he has to want this.

MumUnderTheMoon · 26/04/2019 09:49

Ring your MIL and tell her you have told your dh to bring the kids but he says he can't manage them alone. Make sure she knows it's his choice not yours and arrange to get together with her and the kids to celebrate together?
I think that you have to question why your dh can't take care of his own children that sounds like a big problem to me.

MyToothPain · 26/04/2019 10:03

Oh MumUnderTheMoon it’s all moved on a bit from that 🙈

backinaminute · 26/04/2019 10:14

Blimey OP, I read your first few posts and then this has popped up in active convos and I've read all your updates.

I hope he takes this seriously and it's the wake up call he needs.

Re your MIL, I wouldn't take this personally. Maybe if she has pandered to all her boys whims for her whole life, any sort of challenge to that status quo might make her feel uncomfortable and raise questions for her. It's easier to deflect that out to others (like she has) so I would ignore and let it wash over you - at least you know firmly where her loyalties lie.

Your family sound amazing!

AryaStarkWolf · 26/04/2019 10:24

Good luck today eeva

RestingBitchFaced · 26/04/2019 10:41

He obviously still thinks he is your boss OP. His behaviour is disgusting

Memeface · 26/04/2019 10:59

Ultimately, it's shame that drives us to behaving in a socially acceptable way......OPs dad was just doing what humans have always done, pointed out shitty behaviour.
It's really not normal for people to conduct their entire lives in a vacuum of secrecy. If my husband is a dick, I threaten to tell his mum! It always works.

Hidingtonothing · 26/04/2019 11:15

I'm really interested to know what exactly he said to DF when asking what he thought, and also what he said to you yesterday when he promised to change? Does that mean he realises what an utter bellend he has been/is being and if so have you received a heartfelt and fulsome apology? It doesn't sound like it from your posts but I'm confused in that case as to why he said he would change, if he realises he's wrong then why isn't he trying to fix what he's done?

I'm baffled by the fact that he's acted like a total cunt and yet you're in the wrong (on MN at least) for speaking to the wider family and/or marrying the boss Shock Don't be distracted from the real issue here, which is his selfishness and unwillingness to parent his own children and his propensity to run back to MIL when he gets called out on it, he needs to grow up.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 26/04/2019 11:33

Your choice seems stark....

Either he changes or you part...or you have a lifetime of unhappiness. ...

I really wish my parents had separated,Bro and me had a childhood with a completely half present and disengaged dad....

The damage is still there 40 years later

Good luck!

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