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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my OH is a complete twat?!

211 replies

Fatandpregnant · 23/04/2019 21:21

So I’m 6 months pregnant and we all know insecurities come with being pregnant. None the less my “classroom clown” OH still loves to make comments on other women on the telly and whatnot... it’s half said in jest but it’s often enough that I just roll my eyes and tell him he’s annoying. His most used phrase is “I’d fold it” to pretty much anything with a pulse. Don’t get me wrong we have quite a jokey relationship and don’t take too much to heart. But today he has waaaay overstepped the mark.

I messaged him on Instagram showing him a celebrities story as they were doing a really cool giraffe feeding thing with their kids saying “wow isn’t this amazing, id love to do this”. His response was “do you wanna know what I wanna do”... I said “no, safari?”

Then the next thing to come through was a photo of a girl off the telly on a trashy show in her underwear. He’d mentioned she “was a bit of him” last night.

AIBU to think it was so unnecessary, disrespectful, insensitive and down right rude. I am livid. And I told him so. Did I get an apology? No. Instead I was called a boring c**t for not finding his joke funny.

I’ve been on and off in tears all day since.

Please tell me I’m not overreacting or being hormonal?

OP posts:
Coffeeonthesofa · 24/04/2019 11:51

So he knows that other people wouldn’t find his misogynistic comments funny, because he doesn’t say them in front of these other family/ fiends, but he thinks you should?
He thinks he is the popular life and soul of the party and that gives him the right to say anything to you in private and makes you a cunt if you’re not rolling around on the floor laughing at his “special humour”.
Next time is is telling jokes and basking in the admiration I would be letting them all know exactly what a twat he is
“ Oh Bob you are such a joker, I love all your jokes so much, especially the one when you called me a cunt”

outpinked · 24/04/2019 12:01

Honestly I’d be absolutely fuming. This really isn’t the sort of person I’d ever be attracted to though, not everything in life is a joke.

ineedaknittedhat · 24/04/2019 12:53

Oh dear, what a twat.

Time for you to get some pics of naked hunks with massive schlongs I think.

"I'd love a bit of that inside me" whilst showing him the pic 😉

Abbazed · 24/04/2019 13:10

"I'd fold it '' means he'd copulate with it

Abbazed · 24/04/2019 13:10

How old is he? How old are you op?

Abbazed · 24/04/2019 13:12

Yeah what does "bit of him" mean op?

Abbazed · 24/04/2019 13:13

She wanted a bit of him?

Erythronium · 24/04/2019 13:31

"To everyone else he is funny and nice, and to be honest I think they’d be shocked he says the things he does! They certainly wouldn’t entertain it that’s for sure!"

So he's manipulative as well. Puts on a show for other people but the real him shows up at home. Very difficult to deal with that,

What you said about him conditioning you to accept this is so true OP. He's being actively hurtful to you with these comments about other women, but he's engineered it so you can't complain. It must make you feel awful.

BettysLeftTentacle · 24/04/2019 16:50

Just seen you have a daughter. The thing is, even if he’s not saying this sort of disgusting thing in front of her, it doesn’t mean she won’t be picking up on the type of man he is subconsciously and then later on, consciously. That goes for how he treats you too. I personally couldnt have a man that behaves this way around my daughters. I’d never want to take the risk that they might grow up thinking that the way he behaves towards women is ok and then watch them being treated appallingly by other men like him because they can’t speak out against the ‘norm’. You’ve said it yourself, this behaviour is a ‘product of environment’.

I don’t know what the answer is for you but please don’t underestimate the damage his ‘banter’ can do and think about the example you want to set for your daughter.

Original poster
Fatandpregnant · 24/04/2019 17:05

Just a little update...
Had a conversation this morning that went nowhere really.

Left it a little while and sat him down to explain calmly (albeit with some tears) that what he’d done had really hurt me and that I’m not one of his mates who he can have that kind of banter with. I told him the jokes had run thin and I was over listening to him speak about other women the way he does and that over time he has knocked my confidence. He listened and although defended what he says as being just jokes he seemed to take in what I had said and apologised for hurting my feelings.

He said he thought I was secure enough in myself to know he only meant it as a joke Hmm but that he promises he will stop and won’t make any comments about anyone in front of me whether it meant as a joke or not.

Im certainly not defending him because what he’s done is gross but I do feel he took what I was saying on board. Let’s hope so.

I will be talking to him about how this will impact his kids in years to come and it certainly hasn’t been brushed under the carpet.

Thank you to everyone again.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 24/04/2019 17:16

He said he thought I was secure enough in myself to know he only meant it as a joke

so put it back on you.

It's not even that it knocks your confidence, it's disrespectful. Also, speaking of objects like they're objects is sexist and disgusting. he has a daughter aswell

AryaStarkWolf · 24/04/2019 17:16

women like they're objects*

Helmetbymidnight · 24/04/2019 17:17

really well done, you sound strong and determined- and youre in the right!

i was puzzled at how this was framed both by you and him as 'insecurity'- it really isnt- having anyone going on about who he wants to fuck is dismal, objectifying, crude and a sign of a dullard.

dont let him pretend it isnt.

Original poster
Fatandpregnant · 24/04/2019 17:27

Well not so much framed as insecurity, but it does make me insecure. That’s one outcome of it that I wanted him to realise because he might just think it’s funny but he needs to know it has a direct impact on me.

But you’re right he shouldn’t be doing it regardless as it is sexist and downright rude. I did also say that to him but I don’t think it’ll stop him making the same kinds of jokes with his mates.

OP posts:
Erythronium · 24/04/2019 17:32

He called you the c-word too. That's really nasty and utterly disrespectful.

Your hurt feelings are the priority here because partners are supposed to care about one another, not tell them that they'd like to have sex with other people.

Popc0rn · 24/04/2019 17:34

"His most used phrase is “I’d fold it” to pretty much anything with a pulse."

Grim. Envy (not envy!)

Has he ever called you a c*nt before?

Original poster
Fatandpregnant · 24/04/2019 17:35

Yeah so I haven’t actually addressed the foul language yet. I feel that again is another discussion and I first wanted to try and get him to see sense regarding his minging jokes first.

Next convo will be to address why the hell he thinks it’s ok to say that to me and not be pulled up on it.

Phew this is all so complicated and could have easily been avoided if he wasn’t such a tool sometimes

OP posts:
BettysLeftTentacle · 24/04/2019 18:13

Oh OP. No.

By telling you he thought YOU were secure enough to put up with this, he is saying that the reason you’re upset is down to YOU and not his behaviour. He is saying that his behaviour is totally acceptable and YOU should be able to handle it. You’ve already acknowledged it’s not acceptable.

but I don’t think it’ll stop him making the same kinds of jokes with his mates.

No, because that is essentially the man he is. He is that person. Can you live with that? You won’t change it Sad

Original poster
Fatandpregnant · 24/04/2019 18:21

God, who knows.

All I really want is to be respected and looked after emotionally. Obvs feeling particularly vulnerable right now so I really just need some TLC.

I’m hoping he realises he’s behaved like a dick and will make an effort to right his wrongs.

OP posts:
Erythronium · 24/04/2019 18:23

Has he ever done that for you? Taken care of you? Supported you?

BettysLeftTentacle · 24/04/2019 18:29

You won’t ever be respected by a man like that OP. I’m sorry but you just won’t. He doesn’t just think vile things about random women, he thinks vile things about you. He proved that by calling you a cunt.

Original poster
Fatandpregnant · 24/04/2019 18:31

Yes he absolutely has and that’s what’s sometimes confusing. He honestly can be so nice and caring but then just seems to not be able to help himself from messing things up by making an insensitive comment or by having a selfish moment.

OP posts:
Erythronium · 24/04/2019 18:35

So he does the "nice guy" act at home too? But then messes it up by showing his true colours.

The c-word, to his pregnant partner, is verbal abuse, not just foul language.

Original poster
Fatandpregnant · 24/04/2019 18:41

He doesn’t regularly speak to me like that, no. He has in the past on occasion but honestly he hasn’t done it in a very long time... certainly not since my daughter has been born (she’s 3 and a half). Agreed it’s abusive though.

OP posts:
Sickandsurprised2019 · 24/04/2019 23:02

That's not a joke, jokes are funny not tired and pathetic. Would he find the joke as funny if it was a sexy male in his undies that you sent?