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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my OH is a complete twat?!

211 replies

Fatandpregnant · 23/04/2019 21:21

So I’m 6 months pregnant and we all know insecurities come with being pregnant. None the less my “classroom clown” OH still loves to make comments on other women on the telly and whatnot... it’s half said in jest but it’s often enough that I just roll my eyes and tell him he’s annoying. His most used phrase is “I’d fold it” to pretty much anything with a pulse. Don’t get me wrong we have quite a jokey relationship and don’t take too much to heart. But today he has waaaay overstepped the mark.

I messaged him on Instagram showing him a celebrities story as they were doing a really cool giraffe feeding thing with their kids saying “wow isn’t this amazing, id love to do this”. His response was “do you wanna know what I wanna do”... I said “no, safari?”

Then the next thing to come through was a photo of a girl off the telly on a trashy show in her underwear. He’d mentioned she “was a bit of him” last night.

AIBU to think it was so unnecessary, disrespectful, insensitive and down right rude. I am livid. And I told him so. Did I get an apology? No. Instead I was called a boring c**t for not finding his joke funny.

I’ve been on and off in tears all day since.

Please tell me I’m not overreacting or being hormonal?

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 23/04/2019 23:41

If he doesn't understand why you were upset, maybe you can ask him would he like someone to say similar things about his daughter when she is older.

RedDogsBeg · 23/04/2019 23:57

His behaviour and comments are disrespectful both to you and the women he is commenting on. Why do you laugh them off?

As ineed says how would he feel if men spoke about his daughter like that? He'd find it funny and join in with the joke would he?

This isn't class clown behaviour, class clowns usually make fun of themselves. He is, as others have said, a grade A misogynist with zero respect for women, his reaction to you calling him out proves that beyond a doubt.

BlueSaphire · 24/04/2019 00:05

He sounds like an imature unfeeling knob, I certainly would not be humouring him, maybe if you ignore his crass remarks in future he will stop them.
Whether a woman is pregnant or not, who wants to be told by their partner that they fancy other women?

BlackPrism · 24/04/2019 00:16

I don't honk it's funny but he's not said anything hurtful to you - just crude and a bit gross

PickAChew · 24/04/2019 00:27

Do you know how wrong it is that the MN collective has declared him a twat and you're taking it personally? Even if you do slope off in discomfort, please do reflect on that, because you can bet your boots he wouldn't.

pallisers · 24/04/2019 00:36

but he's not said anything hurtful to you

you wouldn't be hurt at being called a boring cunt?

pallisers · 24/04/2019 00:40

As ineed says how would he feel if men spoke about his daughter like that? He'd find it funny and join in with the joke would he?

tbh I think lots of men like him would.

this myth that they feel differently about their own daughters than they do about everyone else's daughters is just that - a myth. This guy doesn't think his wife deserves respect, why would he think his daughter does?

Women cling to the idea that the guy they are with who is rude, mysoginistic, sexist, boring, foul etc will be utterly different when it comes to his own children. Of course they do - it stops them having to think "oh my god what have I chosen to be the father of my child".

Most likely he won't give much of a fuck or will say "ah it is only a joke love, don't be giving out to him" and he will certainly be perpetuating the shit with his sons.

RedDogsBeg · 24/04/2019 00:54

I've found the opposite pallisers, everyone else's daughters are fair game but theirs are off limits at least while they are young/unmarried.

prawnsword · 24/04/2019 00:58

It sounds like the joke has gotten old & when someone keeps telling the same joke repetitively it can start to be off putting & lame. Instead of being funny as it usually was, you feel repelled. In the situation you describe he sounds like a sex pest - you’re just trying to have a normal conversation & he does his same old sex joke routine - he comes off as an immature teenager, not a soon to be father

I agree with PPs that this kind of humour stems from misogyny. I too used to be the cool GF & find this kind of thing hilarious....

WhereYouLeftIt · 24/04/2019 00:58

"Yes he thinks he’s funny when he’s probably not, and yes he will make comments about girls off the telly. I usually laugh it off as well, yes. Perhaps to my own detriment I admit."
It's telling that you laugh it off, as opposed to laugh Sad. As in, you humour him and pretend you've found his comment funny so that he'll move on, not keep banging on about it?

He really needs to get past trying to be the 'classroom clown'. To grow up and treat the mother of his children with a bit of respect.

Jaimemai · 24/04/2019 01:01

What a horrible scumbag

Erythronium · 24/04/2019 01:29

I"m not getting what's funny about a man constantly commenting on who he'd like to fuck. Where's the joke in that?

Are you sure you haven't been laughing it off, rather than laughing at his jokes OP - treating his misogyny as a humour and ignoring its offense to you (his actual partner) so you're able to tolerate it? I remember once laughing at a man saying something so incredibly over the top misogynistic that I thought he must be parodying sexism, but realised afterwards, that no, he meant it. Your partner called you the c-word. That's unforgivable and shows his real feelings about you, and about women in general, if his non-stop sexual commentary on other women to the woman he's supposed to love wasn't enough to give the game away. He's putting you down all the time doing this, it's the opposite of funny.

Gratefulbeyond103 · 24/04/2019 01:36

See well the problem here was you found this 'jokey' previously and went along with his twattish ways. Now you expect him to stop being like this. What did you really expect?
I think you both sound very immature.
Honestly? You can see this type of man from a mile and i would have avoided.

ChipsAreLife · 24/04/2019 02:49

Does he have more in his repertoire than joking about shagging other women every night? Doesn't sound that hilarious

shiveringtimber · 24/04/2019 03:08

If ANYONE dared to call me a c**nt, I'd fucking smash their face in!Angry

1forAll74 · 24/04/2019 03:29

I hope that he never stands next to me in my pub anytime soon, he sounds very very infantile.

Sarcelle · 24/04/2019 03:41

How awful to be stuck with this immature misogynist. Puerile and boring.

floribunda18 · 24/04/2019 04:00

It's sexist, twatty and outdated humour whether you are pregnant or not. DH has never in the 20 years we have been together mentioned fancying someone else or finding someone attractive. Nice men don't do this. It's fucking disrespectful.

floribunda18 · 24/04/2019 04:01

I'd suggest he either grows up and shuts to fuck up, or fucks off.

Blondebakingmumma · 24/04/2019 04:58

The thing is he isn’t being funny. He’s not a class clown, he’s a dick. Let’s see how funny he finds comments like these after he has a daughter. Hope you don’t have a boy as he’s going to be a dreadful role model

PregnantSea · 24/04/2019 05:01

A precedent has been set that it's ok for him to do this. It's obviously a joke and normally would make you laugh.

However I still don't think that makes what you described ok. You've now told him that you're very sensitive right now because of the pregnancy and that these kinds of jokes are making it worse. So from the point at which you told him that any further jokes like that are him being selfish, inconsiderate and cruel. He needs to grow the fuck up and actually care when you tell him he's hurting you.

Don't back down on this until you get a full apology and a promise that he will stop being so inconsiderate.

Shoxfordian · 24/04/2019 05:34

He's a misogynistic knob and you've been wasting your time facilitating these "jokes"
I don't think I'd stay with him

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 24/04/2019 05:34

He sounds like a vile disgusting pig.

Bluntness100 · 24/04/2019 05:56

Honestly I can't imagine letting a man be so disrespectful to me. And I don't know any man in our friendship circle who finds it funny to make jokes about other women he'd like to have sex with to their partners. And to call you a cunt on top of it.

The problem here op is this is how he's always treated you, and you allowed it, instead of taking the normal reaction and thinking what a sexist wanker, I'll move on.

Original poster
Fatandpregnant · 24/04/2019 05:58

I mean it’s one thing to make a comment about a girl when we’re watching the telly, but I wouldn’t say I would ever have laughed at having a picture sent to me out of the blue.

And if I’m actually honest I don’t think I even do laugh when he says shit about girls on the telly. The more I think about it the more I think I just either ignore him all or say something to the ilk of “give it a rest”

I will say however I will agree with him if he says someone is attractive and I think she is too. For example we know a dancer who is beautiful and I will openly say I think she is if she posts a pretty picture.

I just think over time he’s warped my appreciation into an acceptance he’s always going to comment on how other women look. Or to provoke some kind of reaction from me.

I’ve been awake almost all night thinking and worrying about it all and this won’t be getting brushed under the carpet.

OP posts: