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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What you expect to happen if your partner came into money ?

109 replies

Inebriatededna · 23/04/2019 19:43

Background , been together nearly 8 years but don’t live together due to family circumstances . Up until recently partner has had a low paid job so I have paid the lions share when we have been together including holidays , meals out and an event we go to twice a year which costs about 250 a time . I’ve been happy to do this .
My question is that now he has come into a large sum of money ( approx 40, ooo) plus he has had a much better paid job , what if anything would you expect of him .

OP posts:
mindutopia · 23/04/2019 19:53

In your situation, I would expect him to start paying his way and sharing expenses equally.

Aragog · 23/04/2019 19:56

He should now be paying his own way fairly, and also treating you too to cover some of the ties you've treated him. Time for him to make up some of the contributions he's been willing to accept in the previous years.

Mind, all our money is shared - so this would be too.

Butterfl1es0nwheels · 23/04/2019 20:05

If you are both single ( not married) & not living together. I would expect the person who received the money to; pay off all their debts first, save some for emergencies, spend some perhaps on a joint holiday
It is not your money to spend

Merryoldgoat · 23/04/2019 20:09

Debts paid off first then pay their way. But shouldn’t he be doing that anyway given his improved employment?

Original poster
Inebriatededna · 23/04/2019 20:09

Thanks for the replies I will certainly expect we share expenses going forward but I suppose what I’m asking is would you expect him to share any of the money with you ?

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 23/04/2019 20:10

Not married, not living together I’d not expect to be given any money, I’d hope for a nice gift, maybe a nice holiday but not cash.

Merryoldgoat · 23/04/2019 20:10

I’m guessing you think he should give you some of the money...

NoSquirrels · 23/04/2019 20:10

As above - you're not married or living together, so I would expect him to be paying his own way entirely from now on, and wouldn't accept less than this now he is on a better salary

In terms of the lump sum of money, I guess I would hope that he would also be nice and generous and reciprocate by treating me somehow e.g. a weekend away, but I wouldn't expect anything on this score.

TooTrueToBeGood · 23/04/2019 20:11

Nope. Same as I'd think you'd be a mug to split it with him if the other way round.

NoSquirrels · 23/04/2019 20:12

Do you expect him to share any of the money with you?

If so, stop expecting that. It's pretty unreasonable of you. Presumably you were happy to shoulder "the lion's share" of the things you've done up til now without the expectation of a lump sum - you didn't loan him the cash or keep a tally, he doesn't owe you anything.

Original poster
Inebriatededna · 23/04/2019 20:13

Just to add we are engaged and only live apart because of children , also he has no debts not least because I’ve practically supported him for 8 years .

OP posts:
BumpIntheNite · 23/04/2019 20:13

would you expect him to share any of the money with you

No. Would you share a lumpsum with him?

YANBU to think he should cover half his bills - and in light of all you've done, morally he should insist on treating you both to something like a holiday.

But YABU to expect him to share a windfall.

Sirzy · 23/04/2019 20:13

If you where planning on moving in together soon It would be nice for some of it to go towards that. However otherwise I wouldn’t expect anything

DantesInferno · 23/04/2019 20:14

just to add we are engaged and only live apart because of children

so.... when are you getting married? and will you live together when you do?

TooTrueToBeGood · 23/04/2019 20:14

Still nope.

AJPTaylor · 23/04/2019 20:14

No. Happily married for 20 years when dh had an inheritance. It's his.

Brakebackcyclebot · 23/04/2019 20:15

If you really were happy to pay the lion's share then you can't really now ask for a handout, like payment back after the event. Did you REALLY not mind? Or did you resent it really and only do it because he had less then?

NoSquirrels · 23/04/2019 20:16

But unless you "supported" him with a formal agreement that he would pay you back, you are not entitled to anything.

When you're married, his £40K will be 50% yours. Until then, nope.

If what you mean is that this is exposing a fundamental difference in attitudes to money between you, then that is something to tackle.

But he's not necessarily a stingy arse just because he's not offering you a wodge of cash. £40,000 sounds a lot but isn't really, depending on circumstance.

Bluntness100 · 23/04/2019 20:18

No of course you shouldn't expect him to give you a share of it. How grabby. It might be nice for him to take you out to dinner or a weekend away or a show or something. And he should pay his way going forward. But expecting him to hand over some of his inheritance is not right at all.

Bluntness100 · 23/04/2019 20:19

When you're married, his £40K will be 50% yours

That's not necessarily true. Normally what each person has before thr marriage they can walk away with after thr marriage.

Bobcut · 23/04/2019 20:20

if you need like a grand or two I think you are in your right to ask for it in a nice way, and for him to give it. Otherwise no, I’d expect him going forward to cover things to makeup for the other years

Original poster
Inebriatededna · 23/04/2019 20:20

Ok so it’s pretty unanimous , I would never expect him to split it obviously but I did think maybe he would make a gesture of appreciation .

OP posts:
cstaff · 23/04/2019 20:21

Tbh I would be pissed off if I had paid most of the bills over the last 8 years and he didn't think he owed you anything. I am not saying that you are due half but a token would be nice to show his appreciation for you looking after him.

HollowTalk · 23/04/2019 20:22

I think he should give you some money but I doubt he will.

But why have you been funding this man when you have children to look after? Every penny you've spent on him has been a penny not spent on them and their/your future.

NoSquirrels · 23/04/2019 20:22

You're right, Bluntness - just using it as shorthand I suppose to illustrate that there's a massive difference between living together & married and living apart and engaged.