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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What you expect to happen if your partner came into money ?

109 replies

Inebriatededna · 23/04/2019 19:43

Background , been together nearly 8 years but don’t live together due to family circumstances . Up until recently partner has had a low paid job so I have paid the lions share when we have been together including holidays , meals out and an event we go to twice a year which costs about 250 a time . I’ve been happy to do this .
My question is that now he has come into a large sum of money ( approx 40, ooo) plus he has had a much better paid job , what if anything would you expect of him .

OP posts:
kbPOW · 23/04/2019 20:23

I think that if I'd paid more than my share for years with someone who suddenly received 40k and had no inclination to reciprocate, I'd dump them for being a tightarse.

BarbedBloom · 23/04/2019 20:23

I have recently come into money from an inheritance, but I am married. I consider the money ours rather than mine and put it into our joint savings. In your case I would expect him to maybe treat you to a holiday or similar considering you have been supporting him for so long, but at least he should now be paying his own expenses.

NightOwlStacey · 23/04/2019 20:23

I'd expect him to treat us to a holiday or something along those lines and if we were proper "partners" I'd probably also expect him to give me a few thousand too if I needed it.

kbPOW · 23/04/2019 20:24

I think that if I'd paid more than my share for years with someone who received a 40k windfall and showed no sign of reciprocating, I'd dump the tightarse.

kbPOW · 23/04/2019 20:25

I think it so much, I posted it twice.

NotSorry · 23/04/2019 20:25

No. Happily married for 20 years when dh had an inheritance. It's his

Really? When I had an inheritance i put it towards a large ticket item that the whole family would benefit from

OP - YANBU - I think you need to think if this is the right person for you based on the above information

Bluntness100 · 23/04/2019 20:26

What large ticket item is he going to buy that benefits them both. They don't even live together.

Bluntness100 · 23/04/2019 20:26

What large ticket item is he going to buy that benefits them both. They don't even live together.

NameChangedNoImagination · 23/04/2019 20:30

If I were him I'd give you £5k. But you'd be unreasonable to demand it. If he's tight with it or blows it expecting you to fork out, dump him. If he invests it wisely that's a good sign.

Sirzy · 23/04/2019 20:30

But surely you help your partner out with things because you can and want to not to then expect some sort of “payback” when help isn’t needed?

19lottie82 · 23/04/2019 20:30

Bluntness a nice holiday?

PocaMiseria · 23/04/2019 20:30

I think in part it depends on the source of the money. If he inherited it from his parents or grandparents then apart from a nicer than usual birthday present or a more luxurious kind of holiday I wouldn't expect to benefit from it. If, on the other hand, it was premium bonds or a lottery win then it would be fairer to discuss how to spend it as a couple.

Bluntness100 · 23/04/2019 20:32

I think many people have suggested a holiday. It seems the op wants cash.

Stompythedinosaur · 23/04/2019 20:32

In my relationship it would be family money that we shared, but we live together with joint finances.

It a situation where you live apart and have separate finances I would expect him to pay his share in future but nothing more.

Tavannach · 23/04/2019 20:33

In your circumstances i wouldn't expect any money and I would never ask for any, but I would expect some kind of 'thank you' gesture. Something major, like two weeks in the sun.

resipsa · 23/04/2019 20:34

I agree with PP also married 20 years. It's his to do with as he chooses. I hope he chooses you. If he does, he's a long-term keeper! Mine chose new windows and doors for the whole house (rock n roll) then a 3 week trip for us all to Australia 😀.

Alsohuman · 23/04/2019 20:36

A nice holiday is all I'd want or expect.

Original poster
Inebriatededna · 23/04/2019 20:37

I’m glad not everyone thinks I’m a grabby cow lol , I think it’s just shown up the difference in our attitudes to money .

OP posts:
NightOwlStacey · 23/04/2019 20:41

You're not a grabby cow. If my partner came into a sum of money of that kind of size I know he would give me some, just as I would with him. I know for certain because he did do that in the past and we weren't married. Who wouldn't want to share their good fortune with their partner, especially if their partner had helped them financially over the years?

Bringbackthestripes · 23/04/2019 20:41

also he has no debts not least because I’ve practically supported him for 8 years

I wouldn’t expect him to share the money at all. A nice gift or a paid holiday maybe but not a handout but I certainly wouldn’t have stuck around supporting someone for 8 years so they could remain debt free.

NewcastleChick · 23/04/2019 20:42

Equal sharing of bills from now on, plus a big holiday that he pays for, as a way to say "thank you". At the very least

NaturatintGoldenChestnut · 23/04/2019 20:44

He's sponged off you for 8 years and you think he's the sharing type? You'll get nada. At the least you split bills evenly now. Personally, I'd never marry him but I'd also not have done the lion's share for 8 years, either. Think you've let yourself be a bit swizzed here and he's showing you who he is. What's his is his, and what's yours is his, too.

NewcastleChick · 23/04/2019 20:44

I would add, with me and my DH, to date I have contributed more money to the relationship then he has, as I have earned more.

But...he is due to inherit a massive amount, and I'll be honest, I am expecting a "thank you" of some sort.

Original poster
Inebriatededna · 23/04/2019 20:45

It’s not an inheritance more on the lines of a lottery win and I don’t really want any of it I think it’s just when I had more money than him it was natural for me to pay for things and I suppose I thought he would be the same if roles were reversed and the fact he isn’t is more about our relationship than money.

OP posts:
LordNibbler · 23/04/2019 20:46

Some people are very happy taking, but not so keen on giving. Have you got yourself one of those?