What you expect to happen if your partner came into money ?

[Inebriatededna]

Background , been together nearly 8 years but don’t live together due to family circumstances . Up until recently partner has had a low paid job so I have paid the lions share when we have been together including holidays , meals out and an event we go to twice a year which costs about 250 a time . I’ve been happy to do this .
My question is that now he has come into a large sum of money ( approx 40, ooo) plus he has had a much better paid job , what if anything would you expect of him .

I'd hope he would take me on holiday then invest it so that he receives some income go help make up his low paid income.

I think it’s just shown up the difference in our attitudes to money

Money issues/differences are the #2 cause of divorce. I would never marry a man who had a big difference in financial philosophy, and it appears he has a different philosophy than you. I think you need to think carefully about what being married to him would mean.

I don't think he should give you a lump sum, but when his financial circumstance improved, I would have expected him to start pitching in more for joint expenses (trips, dates, etc).

What do you mean by 'practically supported him'? Do you mean you've been paying his bills? His rent? Giving him cash to meet his expenses? To me, that is what 'supporting' someone means.

Just paying for the lion's share of outings isn't 'supporting'. You could have chosen that the two of you only did what he (the lower earner) could afford to do, but you chose to stump up the money for the things you wanted to do. He doesn't owe you for that.

I'm married and if my husband came into money I would not expect a single penny from him. It's his money. What right do I have to claw or expect a token from that money?

I believe we are still individuals and have every right to privacy and our own belongings even if marriage dictates we share. My husband treats me the same way.

What about being a team and in it together, Floofenhoofen? I think it's bloody weird to have one half of a partnership rolling in cash and the other potentially on their uppers. What's the point of being married if you don't look after each other?

Why on earth have you been subsidising a grown adult man (and indirectly his children!) at the expense of your own children? Madness.

I came into a considerably more substantial sum than this when DH and I had only been together for a matter of weeks. 3 years later I used the bulk of it for the down payment of our joint house purchase.

In a LTR I would expect money like this to, in part, benefit the household as a whole.

Has he says what he plans on doing with the money? Is it all about what he can buy himself or has he mentioned paying his fair share in going forward?

Says = said

Married, engaged or anything else I wouldn't expect him to share his windfall with me. I wouldn't share it with him. It's his money.

I would however expect him to now pay his way and return some similar treats.

We would have come into money. It would be ours, without a doubt.

In your circs, no, I wouldn't expect a lump sum. I would, however expect him to start paying for some of the things you've always paid for. If he doesn't then you've got a bigger problem on your hands.

im not up on the legal stuff but when you marry will it not become legallly both of yours?

either way this shows a problem for you and a difference in your views on money and this will be like a bomb throughout your mariage,relationship if you dont sort it.so talk to him op.

If DP came into money it would be his alone. I'd be pissed off if he didn't pay off the end of his law school loan as it seems to stop him doing a lot and moving on atm, but I'd try not to show it.

DH and I have been married 20 years and have 3DC. We've both inherited small amounts over the years and that money has always been treated as family money. If either of us inherited a large lump sum (which we will at some point) then that money would be used for paying off the mortgage and long term savings. It would be ridiculous to treat it as personal money when we have children together.

However in the OPs case when you don't live together and don't have children together then you can't expect anything.

I would expect a nice holiday as a 'thank you' for shelling out for all previous holidays and maybe a few treats (e.g. dinner at a swanky restaurant) but a cash payment? Certainly not.

DH inherited £40k when we were together about ten years, he got a lovely watch, I got a to die for leather travel bag, which was all good and well until cheap travel arrived and cabin baggage was measured... the rest of the money went against a mortgage.

Any hoo I digress, we are now together thirty years, when he retires in three years time, he will be working and drawing a final salary for one year.

The other day he made it clear that he could not have achieved all he achieved without my support ( he is 100% right )and that I need to plan a decent piece of jewellery.

When my mother dies, I will inherit more than the £40k and the price of a decent piece of jewellery, but it all goes in the same pot.

After eight years, and no sign of a nice present on the back of this, he is a user. IMO

It would depend on his financial situation . If he had a mortgage I’d expect him to pay that off . I’m assuming you hope to live together when your children are older .
After 8 years you should be able to have a frank discussion with him . Id be disappointed if he wanted to blow the lot of holidays and cars tbh. Going forward I’d expect him to pay his share, the past isn’t relevant as you were happy to subside him .

My husband and his siblings got a cheque for 25 ish grand from his parents a few years ago . He put it in the bank. Money doesn’t have to be spent as soon as you get it .

Category12 sharing money and looking after each other are two completely different things. This is the reason why relationships become strained is the mentality of what's yours is mine. We're individuals too, as we deserve to have some identity and valuables of our own without feeling the need to have to share based on marriage. I don't think it's weird, I think it's weird that you feel you'd be entitled to it when it's not yours.

Well I i would expect him to offer to pay for the event at the very least next time round and treat you for a change. I wouldn't expect a cash sum though

I am a bit unclear about exactly how you have supported him for 8 years but if eg this was his own utility bills or credit card payments or rent or amounts towards those things then why on earth wouldn’t he give you something back. You didn’t support him knowing or expecting a share of a windfall I’m guessing but I for one couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t put this right if I came into money. Really don’t understand those saying a holiday or treat ! Ffs why wouldn’t he do the right thing and put right what you’ve spent on him ??? Before anything else.

I would expect him to take me out for some nice meals, not share the money

Mine would give it to me and tell me to manage it how I feel fit, but your dp should definitely as he has contributed so little up to now.
We share all money though.

This is a tough one because there are no rules. It really depends on the kind of relationship you have. If that was my sudden windfall then I'd be sitting down my husband and talking through what WE should do with it together - I wouldn't physically deposit half the money into his bank account but I would essentially treat it as he had as much right to it as I did, and if it made sense for him to spend most of it on something (clearing his student loan, for example) then I'd pass it over without a second thought. He would do the same for me as our finances are very much shared. That being said we live together, are married and have DC together and we have shared our finances since we got married, so that's the precedent that's been set. All of our money is OUR money.

If you two aren't living together and don't currently share finances then you can't really make any demands of him at all. However, given that you are about to get married (at which point you will presumably move in together?) And that you have spoilt him so much by paying out more for things over the years, you would think it would be fair for him to consider you when spending the money. Perhaps he could take you on holiday, or maybe if you two are looking at buying a house together he could put a big chunk of the money in towards that? If he isn't prepared to do anything like that then it's his right not to, but it would be making me think seriously about whether or not I wanted to marry him. It sends a very clear message about how he views finances, and you may find that you two aren't on the same page. That would be a deal breaker for me.

@FloofenHoofen sounds like a supportive and sharing marriage you've got there