What you expect to happen if your partner came into money ?

[Inebriatededna]

Background , been together nearly 8 years but don’t live together due to family circumstances . Up until recently partner has had a low paid job so I have paid the lions share when we have been together including holidays , meals out and an event we go to twice a year which costs about 250 a time . I’ve been happy to do this .
My question is that now he has come into a large sum of money ( approx 40, ooo) plus he has had a much better paid job , what if anything would you expect of him .

But op, no one is saying it's unreasonable for you to expect him to pay his way, or take you out for a treat, a holiday, a slap up meal whatever.

What's being said by the vast majority is to expect him to give you cash. Which is what you basically asked, should you expect some of it.

DP has come into money via an accident some years ago, and also sale of his deceased grandmother's property. We've been together 6 years, don't live together. His son lives with him. My daughters live with me. All are grown up.

We are going on a lavish hoilday next week. There've been some treats. He's always paid his way and he's not tightfisted by nature. He won't give me cash directly, he never does. That doesn't matter as he's not mean in other ways, will pay some of my bills because he wants to, nice gifts for us all, he's a good cook so cooks for us etc. Various things

In reality people can be shitty when a man you're not married to spends money on you. They think that should happen only if you're married, as if a ring somehow makes you 'good enough'. You're greedy and a woman shouldn't have expectations unless she's a wife...

I don't know how you managed to make him debt-free. Are your children grown up? If not, spending money on a man when you have them to raise, support, treat..that is odd.

I don't believe in having young children and spending money on a man. I wouldn't think much of a man that accepted money from a single mum either. Doesn't bode well for his attitude towards money and integrity I'd be surprised if he shares but I absolutely think he should, and there's nothing wrong with you having an expectation that he does either. Doesn't mean he will, unfortunately.

we are engaged and only live apart because of children

TBH I'd be more concerned about this, especially after 8 years

Is there any actual intention to marry, or is this some type of "understanding" that may fizzle out now he's better placed?

Has he said anything about giving you a portion of the money at all? In my opinion, he should do this. In your position I would expect that.

There was a similar thread on here a while ago which you may find a bit of an eye opener.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3169599-BF-won-a-fortune-and-dumped-me?msgid=75707484#75707484.

Op, you do realise you have been subsidizing this man at the expense of your own dc? It's really time to pull back.

Well make sure that you split costs fairly from now on. How he reacts to that will tell you what you need to know.

we are about to come in to some money from a pension. We are getting x amount each (him me and DD) and we are doing some work on the house, paying a lump sum on the mortgage and paying off some debt. But we are married.

You can't rewind and get money back from prev but I would perhaps expect a treat of some sort - say a short break or a lovely meal out etc and maybe a nice gift

I would expect him to pay the lions share for the next 8 years ...

Totally different circumstances, and maybe we are a bit weird, but my DP gets a substantial bonus most years. He usually buys me a present (perfume or similar), and we go for a lovely dinner, or a weekend away. We do live together, and he would also generally buy a big shop, with lots of treaty things, wine, nice cheese etc, on top of our usual household groceries. It’s all lovely, but I don’t expect any of it.

Similarly, I do bits of freelance work on top of my actual job, which pay pretty well (but hundreds rather than thousands like the bonus!) and I will always get us something to share, dinner or whatever, but I do see it as “fun money” for me.

He should start paying his way but, I wouldn’t expect cash

Just to reassure people my children are older and I would never put a man before my children , it’s just been a case that I had more disposable income than him so weekend and holiday plans I paid for .

Well, you could say to him “So, when are you treating us to a weekend away now you’re flush?” And see what he says...

Are you in need of money? If you’re ok on that front it would feel weird if he gave you cash? Surely a treat ( holiday or Something special you’ve had your eye on) would be more thoughtful

I would now expect him to pay for the next few weekends, pay for a holiday equivalent to what you have funded and buy you some nice stuff. Or pay for a really fab holiday for the two of you.

I wouldn't expect him to give me any of the money, but yes, paying his fair share from now on would be expected. I'd probably be a bit miffed if I didn't get a couple of meals or a new handbag out of it (just something as a gesture, I mean) but no, I wouldn't expect or accept a lump sum.

I would not expect any.

Well it shows it's a one-way street, doesn't it?

No money if not married.

"I’ve practically supported him for 8 years"

What do you mean by this, exactly?
Have you helped him to pay his bills and debts or just extras like meals out, holidays, events etc?

Wow, and he hasn't even suggested a weekend break or the like for you? That wouldn't impress me.

In your situation - not married, not living together, no joint children, no joint finances, I wouldn't expect to be given cash, no.

I think though, that it would be nice if he treated you both to a weekend away or a holiday.

I would definitely be tightening my purse strings and see how he reacts. You will find out soon enough if he is a giver or just a taker. I'm not liking the sound of him right now tbh. Hopefully he will prove me wrong.

In your situation I'd not expect anything from it, no. I would expect him to pick up the tab more often from now on though and pay his way properly

I'm married and I've inherited a huge amount recently. It's my husbands too in my opinion.

I would expect him to first spend on himself and kids and then treat you both to a nice holiday.
He then could start paying his way .

I would not expect a lump sum in cash, given that you don't live together or have shared finances.

I'm guessing you paid for those things because you wanted (and could afford) to, and presumably not because you expected to be paid back or for him to be indebted to you. I don't think you can now expect a cash sum. However, given that you have paid for lots of shared activities/meals/trips then I would expect that he would treat you more often now- and from now on that he would at least pay his way. If you were planning to go away this year, for example, he could pay for that. But I wouldn't necessarily expect a lavish holiday costing a substantial proportion of that money (I probably wouldn't want to spend a significant proportion of a windfall on a holiday TBH, but that's just a personal opinion).

I would have a different view if you lived together and had shared finances (married or not).

Split the money? You're sounding very entitled.
How long has he had the money? If it's only been a short time then you don't know if he's going to give you something. Maybe a grand would be nice plus take you away somewhere. Or maybe he intends to buy you a better ring. You don't know.