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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Could you stay friends with a sex offender? *potential trigger warning*

345 replies

Backinatic · 23/04/2019 10:53

Hypothetical scenario for you, which I've found myself in.

You make a friend and over a number of years become fairly close but they don't talk much about their past.

You then find out that this person was sent to prison for the rape of a woman some years before you knew them.

You had no idea they were that way inclined and now question your own judgement, understandably you look at them in a very different light.

Would you instantly go no contact and cut them off on the basis that they'd commited that crime? Would you tell them exactly why you no longer wanted to know them?

Or could you stay friends with somebody you knew was capable of such things even if they'd always been a good friend to you personally?

More of a WWYD really.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 23/04/2019 11:44

In the circumstances you're describing Id run a mile OP.

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 23/04/2019 11:45

I can understand why your worried back, I'd be worried too that he'd turn on me. It doesn't change the fact I'd have to cut contact but it would colour my instinct to tell him exactly why in no uncertain terms.

In your situation I would probably be honest but not all guns blazing or cruel (2nd option would be my natural reaction) so to soften the possible repercussions.

I'm really sorry because it must be hard to find out your friendship was not anything like you thought but I'm glad you know now.

Noobcrumble · 23/04/2019 11:46

Backinatic that must’ve been awful for you finding out in that way - it sounds like he gave you a milder back story of criminal behaviour to throw you off the truth which is a sickening thought. If it was me I would immediately go no contact - surely after nine years of prison for rape he can’t be that naive in realising you have found out and I would also contact the Police and tell them my concerns about unwittingly having a friendship with this parasite so they have a record of it and possibly give you advice.

TheTitOfTheIceberg · 23/04/2019 11:46

*He served nine years imprisonment for it

So the actual sentence may have been double that*

It will potentially have been twelve years - for sentences over a certain length (used to be two years, don't know if that's changed as I'm not CJS any longer) offenders serve 2/3 of the sentence in prison before being eligible for parole. Shorter sentences are half the term in prison, then parole.

ReanimatedSGB · 23/04/2019 11:46

I was going to say, depends on the circumstances but you updated to say he was in his 30s and aware of what he was doing. Nope. I would walk away from this person, too.
(If it had been when he was a teenager and he has neve done anything questionable since, particularly if there had been drink, drugs or peer pressure, I might have given a good friend the benefit of the doubt but...) The thing is with rapists is they can be very charming in general, and even be 'safe' towards women they are not interested in raping. That doesn't make them any less rapists.

Sunlov · 23/04/2019 11:47

9 years sounds like a sentence for rape of someone under 16, though not a child. I'd just ghost him. Safer all around. Don't want him getting angry.

keepingbees · 23/04/2019 11:47

No way. Leopards and spots. You'd never trust him or be able to be alone with him.
Rape is a hard thing to convict sadly so there must've been a lot of evidence against him.
I would tell just him you've found out he's a rapist and the friendship is therefore over.

Also don't blame yourself for lack of judgements these kinds of people are very clever and often the ones you wouldn't suspect.

AryaStarkWolf · 23/04/2019 11:48

I would be horrified and certainly wouldn't stay friends with them

Sunlov · 23/04/2019 11:48

Do you know him by a different name?

Has the register he's on with a different name got his photo, so that you're sure it's him?

Original poster
Backinatic · 23/04/2019 11:49

There's a potential of running into them in person which is why I've stalled about confronting them.

The approach I've taken is to ignore their attempts at contact and not open the whatsapp thread up until now. They know something is amiss as usually I'd respond.

They are also going to be at an event my OH and i are attending in a few weeks.

OP posts:
EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 23/04/2019 11:50

You don’t owe him anything

I am sure now you will think about things more and see he isn’t quite the person you thought he was you will see those red flags more that at times are not at all obvious

9 years is a long term to serve most sex offenders to not look at themselves they just get angrier at their victims

SittinOnThaToilet · 23/04/2019 11:51

I dread to think what he actually did to get a 9 year sentence.

PregnantSea · 23/04/2019 11:51

I'm going to go against the grain here and say don't tell him why you don't want to be friends anymore. What's the benefit to you? Drift away from him, phase him out. Don't put yourself or you family at risk by confronting him. I feel like some people are saying you should tell him because they want to "punish" him further for being a rapist and make him think about what's he done, but that isn't your responsibility and you shouldn't have to take the risk. I'd just back away from him.

Also I doubt your husband would think less of you for not realising. How were you meant to know? I doubt he goes around telling people he's a rapist. He probably tried very hard to hide it! Just tell your husband, he has no right to judge you for not knowing.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 23/04/2019 11:53

I agree I wouldn’t bother confronting him

He isn’t going to be shamed he will just be fucked off that he can’t hide who he is

Just cut contact you are unlikely to be the first to have done this or the last who will

Original poster
Backinatic · 23/04/2019 11:53

I know him by the name he has used ever since I met him, I had no reason to believe he had any other surnames. He was convicted under a surname I had no idea existed and as he now lives in a different area the information online would be hard to find unless you knew his previous surname, which I found out when I was contacted by somebody on social media.

I agree about the fraud thing, it seems like he made it up just incase I ever got wind of the fact he had been in prison, so he could say it was for a lesser crime (ie the fraud) than what it actually was.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/04/2019 11:55

TheTitOfTheIceberg thanks for that excellent explanation about sentencing. Clearly the original term may not have been quite as long as I thought, though still a very long one compared to some

He's on a database under a different surname

So is this yet another attempt at a cover up, or has the system allowed him another name? I didn't think they did that for rapists, but could well be wrong

Noobcrumble · 23/04/2019 11:55

Agree with PregnantSea how were you possibly to know that he raped someone and why would your husband judge you for not knowing!? Surely his priority would be to sympathise with you x

Babuchak · 23/04/2019 11:55

I’m saying it’s worth rethinking the idea that there are evil sexual predators and good men, and they are distinct groups of people.

You have been so unlucky and have met some of the worst characters but this is simply not true. Of course there are good men, and not all men are rapists or abusers, far from it!

It would be like saying that all women are potential abusers because of the few who abused their own children. There are cases, far too many, but they don't qualify the rest of the population.

ThanksItHasPockets · 23/04/2019 11:55

It’s unbelievably difficult to convict someone of rape, and as pp have said serving nine years implies that this was a very serious assault with aggravating factors or a series of assaults. You need to tell your partner what you have learnt and protect yourselves.

Original poster
Backinatic · 23/04/2019 11:56

I'm going to show my OH what I've found out when he gets in from work. He's a very calm man but utterly despises sex offenders so I would be very surprised if he doesn't want to confront him.

OP posts:
LillithsFamiliar · 23/04/2019 11:56

I don't think it's wise to confront this person or tell them why you're ghosting them.
You do need to tell your OH otherwise this man can use your OH to reach you and your family. Plus you need to decide with your OH what to do about the event you're all attending and what to do about any future occasions when you might see them.
Do you think your OH will react the way everyone here has done?

Original poster
Backinatic · 23/04/2019 11:57

In regards to his name, I don't know whether he has changed it legally or whether he just goes by the new alias on a daily basis without having deed polled it.

I too thought there were restrictions on sex offenders being able to change their names to disguise their identities.

He uses the name that we know him by on all of his social media accounts. He uses Facebook, instagram and Google plus.

OP posts:
LillithsFamiliar · 23/04/2019 11:57

cross-post.

OnlyPostInEmergencies · 23/04/2019 11:58

I’m wondering what the register was you found him on, and whether it’s 100% reliable info.

Having received a sentence above 30 months for a sexual offence he would be on the sex offenders’ register FOR LIFE. Do you have children with whom he might have unsupervised contact (if you knew him well enough and trusted him etc)? If so, that is grounds for you to contact the police under Sarah’s Law and ask them to investigate him. Not to be done lightly, though. And you would have to sign a confidentiality agreement, so if the police did tell you anything, you wouldn’t be able to pass it on.

HollowTalk · 23/04/2019 11:58

I think you should be able to find out exactly what he did if you have his full name and the area in which he offended. Is he now using a different name?

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