Could you stay friends with a sex offender? *potential trigger warning*

[Backinatic]

Hypothetical scenario for you, which I've found myself in.

You make a friend and over a number of years become fairly close but they don't talk much about their past.

You then find out that this person was sent to prison for the rape of a woman some years before you knew them.

You had no idea they were that way inclined and now question your own judgement, understandably you look at them in a very different light.

Would you instantly go no contact and cut them off on the basis that they'd commited that crime? Would you tell them exactly why you no longer wanted to know them?

Or could you stay friends with somebody you knew was capable of such things even if they'd always been a good friend to you personally?

More of a WWYD really.

[cheesydoesit]

Well there have been threads on here where someone has seen their abuser years later on Facebook in a photo with a new family and decided to pass on information and warn them, especially when children are involved. Maybe something similar to that has happened?

[Moralitym1n1]

Would depend how long ago he did it.

10 years isn't enough. 20 isn't enough. 30 maybe. 40 years ago, yeah, I could probably stay friends, but even then, what he says and does now will be a big factor. In OP's case that would mean the man is now nearly 80.



I'm sure that would be a great solace to you when you caught him with his hand up the skirt of your traumatised 13 year old daughter's sundress at a friend's and family bbq. Young sex offenders turn into old sex offenders.

There's been a thread on here recently about an 80 yr old man trying to mouth kiss a 20 something girl who thought he was a lonely old man in need of friendship and support (met him as his waitress in work) he groomed her and her family. In the same thread a posted said she'd been sexually assaulted as a 9 year old by a geriatric in a care home.

[Moralitym1n1]

• poster
  
  And what's he going to say about it?
  "I haven't changed at all, I don't regret it".
  
  FFS.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

NoCauseRebel while (understandably) not putting every last detail on here, OP's said repeatedly that she's absolutely certain this is the same man ... wouldn't it be better to take her word for it?

She also mentioned that he moved areas as well as changing his name, which would explain why those who might know him are a bit thin on the ground

[lyralalala]

On the subject of all these fifteen-year-old temptresses convincing older men that they are much older, it is explicitly written into the sentencing guidelines that the judge should take it into account as a mitigating factor if the defendant genuinely believed the victim to be over 16.

There was a case in Scotland a couple of years ago when a man was released after pleading guilty to the rape of a 12 year old (as she was under 13 it was a strict liability case) as it was clear that he and everyone who had met her, including two police officers who had spoken to her about something else that evening, had believed she was at least 16 or 17.

[Backinatic]

There's a photograph of him, alongside the different surname.

No mistaking it's the same person, the only difference is hair colour. He's now grey.

[Nicknacky]

There is a statutory defence available to men under 24 in Scotland but I don’t think it’s something they should rely on!

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

lyralalala you raised an interesting point about the "friends list" being messaged re the offender you knew

I guess it's possible that OP isn't the only one who's been notified of this, and if so there could well be an awful lot of side-eyeing done at the next get together

[Graphista]

Wow! Given how hard it is to get a conviction at all AND the long sentence he received (if he was in 9 years the sentence must have been at least 12) which indicates there was likely extreme violence and/or an extreme breach of trust or other aggravating factors involved I wouldn't want to have any more to do with him and honestly I'd be telling others too.

Personally I don't think they should ever be released from prison.

You DEFINITELY need to tell your partner this is too big a secret that could be far too damaging if he finds out later/himself.

The rapist outright lied to you. I don't even stay friends with blatant liars!

As always on rape threads there's some truly shocking and disgusting apologist posts - those of you that have made these should be ashamed of yourselves you are supporting and excusing rapists, makes you little better than the rapists in my opinion!

[Backinatic]

I've told my partner and shown him what's online. He's angry and in obvious agreement that we should have nothing more to do with him, he also wants to tell our mutual friend and others who he knows associate with him.

Whilst I understand his POV and agree with him morally, I can't help but worry about repercussions if DP was to share this information all around and the perp knows it's come from us.

[Wallywobbles]

I think you probably should discretely share the information.

[Backinatic]

Perpetrator of the crime, which is what he is and has been proven to be.

Please don't latch onto my wording and speculate that I'm not being genuine, thus starting a troll hunt.

That's very offensive given the nature of the thread.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

Personally my first call would be to the police to see if they're aware of the new address and name, but since your DP also wants to inform associates, does the rapist have to know it came from you?

After all, you don't know who the message you received was from either ...

[NoCauseRebel]

Ok, well given you have been able to verify his identity I think it’s fair to say that distance is the only answer here.

FWIW while I do understand that you are afraid of repercussions from making this information public, this is often how offenders stay under the radar. Having said that, regardless of personal feelings about this individual and wanting to distance yourself from him, by law he has served his sentence for his crime, and regardless of your personal feelings I would tread cautiously with regard to spreading around the details in case that sparks any kind of witch hunt for instance. While it is your personal right to distance yourself from him knowing what you now know, he does have a right to live his life, whatever people may think about that.

Personally I would be inclined to contact the authorities in the morning and ask about him, tell them what you know/have been told and take it from there.

[Backinatic]

The only way he'd find out the information has come from us would be if the people DP tells, relays it back to him.

I'd hope that wouldn't happen but you never know.

Then (ex) friend would know we are spreading the information just not how we've come about it in the first place.

I would rather not end up with a load of grief for passing on the information, but I understand why my DP wants to and I won't stop him as he does have people's best interests and safety at the forefront of his intentions.

I wouldn't have thought this man would be somebody to give us trouble but then I would never have had him down as a sex offender either, not in a million years.

[Thetruthwillout80]

What I meant was, I had no idea they were that type of person. The sort who was capable of something like that.

You think there's a 'type' of rapist? Seriously?!

[yolofish]

back I do feel for you, what a horrible thing to happen. I tend to agree with your DH actually, that your friends/associates should know so that they can keep themselves/loved ones safe. What is the best way to do this, I dont know...

[Backinatic]

What is it with people latching onto single words on this thread for Christ sake.

I think it was blatantly obvious what I meant when I said I didn't think he was that type of person.

Type being rapist!

[Backinatic]

A rapist is a type of person, a vile and dispicable one.

[NorthernRunner]

I would try and find a way of informing your friends, but asking them to not divulge who told them.
I would want to know if my friends knew what you did about someone I am socialising with.

[hungryfortheinvisible]

It's possible that if you've been contacted on social media, that other mutual friends have been too.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

Backinatic if you're worried about repercussions but your DP wishes to inform associates, does he actually need to do it in person?

[youwillgo]

You absolutely have to tell your friends.

How would you feel if it was one of your friends who had found out about this man's past and they did not tell you?

[Backinatic]

I've suggested he tell friends in the same way I was told, anonymously alongside a link to the proof.