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AIBU?

Could you stay friends with a sex offender? potential trigger warning

345 replies

Backinatic · 23/04/2019 10:53

Hypothetical scenario for you, which I've found myself in.

You make a friend and over a number of years become fairly close but they don't talk much about their past.

You then find out that this person was sent to prison for the rape of a woman some years before you knew them.

You had no idea they were that way inclined and now question your own judgement, understandably you look at them in a very different light.

Would you instantly go no contact and cut them off on the basis that they'd commited that crime? Would you tell them exactly why you no longer wanted to know them?

Or could you stay friends with somebody you knew was capable of such things even if they'd always been a good friend to you personally?

More of a WWYD really.

OP posts:

Report

Doobigetta · 23/04/2019 11:08

I think I’d give him the opportunity to explain. There is the possibility that he really looked at what he’d done and completely changed his attitude and behaviour towards women as a result. But if he tried to justify what he’d done, or blame the victim or not take responsibility in any way, I’d cut him out.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 23/04/2019 11:12

I certainly couldn't be friends with such a man, though I'd be too scared to tell him directly. And rape sentences are usually far too short. Sex offenders need to have consequences in the outside world too. People avoiding them is a start.

Backinatic · 23/04/2019 11:12

I've noticed over the years some red flags surrounding control that would be a big concern to somebody in a relationship with him, but as we were only ever platonic friends those aspects of his personality didn't impact me personally.

Putting those parts of his personality into context with what I now know, I would struggle to believe he has changed, given what I know about the motives of sex offenders having been subject to similar myself.

OP posts:

Backinatic · 23/04/2019 11:13

He served nine years imprisonment for it.

OP posts:

BlueSkiesLies · 23/04/2019 11:14

Don't know. Hard one.

If they now understand that what they did was wrong, have truly repented (in a non religious sense) and have made steps to take a better path in life - maybe. People can change.

But probably not.

LittleMissHappy19 · 23/04/2019 11:15

I would be extremely blunt and say it to him!!

You have found out about what he did! And that there is absolute no way you can be friends with him any longer!!

Some things you may find out in life about a friend, they used to do drugs say in their past..something like that ok..

Somethings are unforgivable. He is a RAPIST!
The least he deserves is to be reminded, that what he done was one of the worst things you can do.

The poor person he raped, will be reminded every single day of the beyond horrific ordeal.

Just because he served his time, doesn't mean he gets to move on and live his happy little fucked up life. He should be reminded constantly of what he did.

Bastard

Backinatic · 23/04/2019 11:15

As it stands he has sent me several messages asking if I'm ok and whether he's done something to upset me.

I've hummed and ahh'd about telling him what I've found out, or just continuing to blank him.

My concern is the potential for him to turn nasty as I clearly never knew him at all..

I have a family and don't want the trouble.

OP posts:

cheesydoesit · 23/04/2019 11:17

Also, he was convicted once. It doesn't mean that he has only offended once.

TheGrey1houndSpeaks · 23/04/2019 11:19

What sort of answers were you looking for, op?

cheesydoesit · 23/04/2019 11:21

Sorry but you can't repent from rape. It's not like any other crime. It can't be done by accident. It can't be done on a whim. If someone is capable of that then it is part of the fabric of their being.

LillithsFamiliar · 23/04/2019 11:21

I couldn't stay friends with him. He served nine years. Knowing how low the conviction rate is and how weak sentencing can be, I'd also be concerned about how violent the attack must have been.
I understand why you're afraid to tell him. I'd probably just keep saying I was busy until he drifted away.

EmeraldShamrock · 23/04/2019 11:21

He served 9 years. Wow.
Are you in a relationship with him, are you going to have difficulty with him? Do you think you need help being honest with him.
OP a 9 year sentence is huge.
Please simple text I know about your past please do not contact me again.
He sounds dangerous. I hope you can get rid of him easy.

findingmyfeet12 · 23/04/2019 11:22

This is difficult.

I do believe in rehabilitation. The alternative is having a society where certain people are permanently ostracised which is probably not a good idea for anyone.

Having said that - I wouldn't want my children to be associating with this person.

I'd want to find out how this person felt about their crime.

MotherOfDragonite · 23/04/2019 11:22

Nine years will be for an extremely serious crime.

I couldn't stay friends with somebody who I knew had done that, no. Not least because staying in touch with somebody who was capable of doing that would expose my other friends and family to potential danger.

Backinatic · 23/04/2019 11:23

@TheGrey1houndSpeaks Any really. I haven't spoken to anybody about this in person. It's bothering me hugely and I don't know how to proceed, other than to end the friendship.

As somebody who has been through the exact thing that this person has done, my automatic reaction was to freeze him out.

I was curious as to whether others would have handled it differently, and whether or not they would confront him with the findings by way of explaining the ghosting or not.

OP posts:

Nicknacky · 23/04/2019 11:24

Was this a potential boyfriend?

9 years is a heavy sentence.

Purplecatshopaholic · 23/04/2019 11:24

Rape is frequently not treated seriously enough - and this man served 9 YEARS - Dear God. Please dont see him again, he is dangerous to you and all women.

miracleon13th · 23/04/2019 11:24

I think you should say to him that you've been told some surprising information about him and would like to ask him about it and the circumstances - if he has been a genuinely good friend up till this point and you would genuinely miss his friendship in the future if you decide to walk away then you owe it to yourself to speak to him

Are you certain it's definitely true?

Bluntness100 · 23/04/2019 11:25

No, I wouldn't. Nine years for rape shows this was something very very bad indeed. Rape isn't an easy conviction to get, and to get nine years is a huge deal.

I also wouldn't tell him, Id simply slowly distance myself. For purely self preservation reasons. Slowly extricate youtself. Something like yes, all good, just snowed under at the moment. And leave it longer and longer between responses.

EmeraldShamrock · 23/04/2019 11:25

OP he may turn nasty. He knows you know, he is asking stupid questions, he sucked you in. Do you have somewhere to go.
Message him tell him you know and you'll contact the police if he makes contact again.
Lock your doors, he has probably been grooming you.

Backinatic · 23/04/2019 11:26

I'm not in a relationship with him no, I am settled down with a family of my own.

My other half knows him through me as I introduced them, as it stands he doesn't know what I've found out. I'm concerned that he'll be alarmed at my lack of judgement in befriending somebody like this and exposing our family to him although the offender has never been alone with our children, thank god.

OP posts:

AssassinatedBeauty · 23/04/2019 11:27

I wouldn't confront him, but depending on how safe I felt (only you can judge that) I would tell him by text/email why I was ending the friendship. Nine years is a serious sentence, it must have been a very serious crime or a series of crimes. I couldn't be friends with a man like this. I wouldn't ever want to be in the same space as him.

Noobcrumble · 23/04/2019 11:27

OP how did you find out about his crime, the age he was when it was committed and the sentence he served?

YetAnotherSurvivor · 23/04/2019 11:28

This may not be a popular response, but here goes...

I was abused as a child by my father. I was sexually assaulted and raped by a few different men as an adult. I guarantee you that most of us are friends with a rapist. Rapists, for the most part, appear to be perfectly normal guys. Most will never be interviewed by police, or arrested or charged, and terrifyingly few are convicted. The men who’ve abused and raped me have never been arrested that I know of. I’m sure they have many friends who view them as just another guy.

I’m not saying you should remain friends with him - I wouldn’t. I’m saying it’s worth rethinking the idea that there are evil sexual predators and good men, and they are distinct groups of people. That’s not reality.

I wouldn’t knowningly be friends with a rapist. I probably am though. Likelihood is I’ll never know, which is disturbing but true.

GrotchCoblin · 23/04/2019 11:28

I would send a message saying I have found out that you were convicted of rape. Never contact me again.

But if you don't feel comfortable telling him, if you feel safer just ghosting him, then do whatever you like. There's no right answer. This has been upsetting for you, be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to grieve the end of this friendship, the death of the person you believed you knew in a way.

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