Could you stay friends with a sex offender? *potential trigger warning*

[Backinatic]

Hypothetical scenario for you, which I've found myself in.

You make a friend and over a number of years become fairly close but they don't talk much about their past.

You then find out that this person was sent to prison for the rape of a woman some years before you knew them.

You had no idea they were that way inclined and now question your own judgement, understandably you look at them in a very different light.

Would you instantly go no contact and cut them off on the basis that they'd commited that crime? Would you tell them exactly why you no longer wanted to know them?

Or could you stay friends with somebody you knew was capable of such things even if they'd always been a good friend to you personally?

More of a WWYD really.

[AnnaMagnani]

As @TheTitOfTheIceberg says a 9 year sentence is rare. So his crime will be awful.

Could you be friends with a rapist? The awful fact is that almost all of us are friends with one. It is common. What is rare is being convicted for it. A rape that leads to a sentence of 9 years is particularly dreadful.

How you go with the friendship now is up to the OP but given she has already seen some red flags in his behaviour, I'd say no, the friendship was over.

Thing about working in the criminal justice system I have found is though - I have now met a lot of rapists. And most of them are just blokes. A lot of them are quite nice. No-one would ever guess. When I'm not in the prison, how do you know which one is which?

[EmeraldShamrock]

Thread carefully. Personally I wouldn't ghost him, I would tell him direct.
It is a nightmare trying to ghost someone especially as he is in lots of contact already.
Your reasons are perfectly valid for ending this friendship.
If you ghost him and he turns out, you'll make life much harder for you. At least if your honest and he turns up, you can call the police immediately. Please speak to your partner about your plans, unite against him.
We as a family fell for the charms of a young paedophile, he groomed and sexually assaulted my nephew, it later came to light he attempted to rape, after my nephew, the way he managed to groom him was mad, we all really liked this guy he was 17 in foster care, a charmer, we all fell for him.

[LittleMissHappy19]

You need to tell your OH!!

Your worried that he will be alarmed at your lack of judgement?

No he won't! He needs to know!
You are not stupid, it's not your fault at all you didn't know, until now!

This man has obviously committed a very violent, evil crime. To serve nine years for rape..the evidence must of been beyond overwhelming!

You need to tell him, as yes maybe this man won't attack again etc..but he is your OH and you suddenly ignoring this man, could make this man potentially dangerous again? Who knows!

[regularbutpanickingabit]

I personally would find it impossible to see or speak to them again but would worry about my safety and the safety of my family if he is someone that can be so convincingly 'normal' and yet have had such a long sentence for rape. If he's gone to the lengths of changing his name, proactively feeding people with a plausible back story etc. then it doesn't sound like he would take kindly to being exposed as the rapist he is.

I agree with the person upthread who suggested the sporadic breezy messages saying you are busy, need to concentrate on the family/work/health/whatever and then spacing them out to nothing.

[S1naidSucks]

Is he in a relationship, OP? I would be concerned that his partner has no idea who she is with. If there are children in that house, I’d be very very concerned for them. Would you consider contacting the police, if he is involved with a woman with children? He may be under certain restrictions and be using a change of name to disguise his current circumstances from the police. It might do no harm to contact the police and ask for advice.

[Sunlov]

How do you know this man OP?

[EnthusiasmIsDisturbed]

Please discourage you dh from confronting him once he finds out

It is his right to now lead a life without others bringing his past up (I am not saying that is right) and confronting him with this and with emotions running high the situation could easily escalate. He will know how to play this and he knows how to cover himself

Just step away from him

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

I'm going to show my OH what I've found out when he gets in from work

Very wise of you, Backinatic. Your DH sounds a very decent sort and it's not the sort of secret I'd want to keep

It's no surprise that instead of keeping his head down the rapist's all over social media - just think of the possibilities - but I'm not sure about the wisdom of avoiding confrontation and the exposure it would bring. Obviously your own safety comes first and to be clear I'm absolutely not suggesting vigilantism, but doesn't secrecy enable the targeting of others?

Clearly somebody cared enough to alert you in the first place, so I'm wondering if there's any way to pay this forward without endangering yourself in any way?

[Backinatic]

He's got no children and isn't in a relationship currently.

He had a live in girlfriend last year but they split. It was a brief, rushed relationship. My guess would be that she has no idea about his conviction. I'm fairly sure nothing terrible went on during the relationship but who knows. The reason he gave for them splitting up was that she was messing around with other people and he says they have no contact now. I don't know her personally and only ever said hello in passing. They met in a newsagents of all places.

[fluorescentorange]

I could, I believe everyone deserves a second chance in life, sometimes a third, fourth and fifth.. I would want to talk to him about it though, so he knew I knew and I would want to hear his side as well as the story you already have. There may then be reason for me to cut contact if I felt he was one of the few people in this world who really should not be given another chance. I am sure I am unusual here on Mumsnet to have this opinion, but in the real world I think you would find a different response. I say, go with YOUR gut instinct OP not the opinion of 105 strangers who generally say what they think they SHOULD rather than what they really think.

[Backinatic]

I met him on a course years ago, we got along and became friendly and I never suspected him of anything sinister at all.

[differentnameforthis]

Not hypothetical for me. The victim was my niece, her abuser her father.

No. No way in hell.

[JaneEyre07]

If and only if you are 100% sure you have the right information, then I'd answer truthfully. Say you know about his past, and you're having a hard time getting your head around it.

And he needs to give you some time and space to work out how you feel about it.

[IlluminatiConfirmed]

I think confronting him would be a kind thing to do but you don't owe him anything so there's no reason for you to be kind to this person. I wouldn't have it in me to confront someone like that (nine years is terrifying) so I would just go no contact without any explanation as a self-preservation tactic more than anything else.

You must tell your husband and also inform police, in order to remain safe.

With support of your partner and police you may consider sending one message asking this person to never contact you again. No explanation necessary, just a request to stop contact. Any contact from him in the future would be then considered harassment which you can and should report to police.

[S1naidSucks]

sometimes a third, fourth and fifth

So WHO would the third, fourth or fifth victim be before you’d refuse to have a rapist in your life. Your friend, sister, neighbour? Because that’s what you’re actually doing, if you let a rapist remain in your life. Some crimes are absolutely unforgivable and sex crimes are amongst the most revolting and unforgivable.

[teyem]

Time and space? Not for me. I'd cut all contact without explanation or drama.

[Mymycherrypie]

I would want to hear his side

Presumably a judge and jury heard his side and felt he was guilty enough to serve 9 years. All you would be doing by being friends with this man is validating what he did and placing your friends, family and children in danger.

[fluorescentorange]

S1naidSucks

It was a generalisation of giving a person chances in life to make amends, if you read my post correctly you will see I put 'everyone' I did not specify that a rapist would need a few goes at it before I thought he was a true rapist.

[TheBulb]

Not a hypothetical situation for me, either. I was nine.

OP, I would make absolutely certain you have the correct information are you 100% sure the person on the database under another name is him? seeing as this came from an anonymous tip off. That done, tell your DH, and make it very plain why you are ending the friendship.

[fluorescentorange]

Presumably a judge and jury heard his side and felt he was guilty enough to serve 9 years. All you would be doing by being friends with this man is validating what he did and placing your friends, family and children in danger.

True, but we are talking about forgiving someone for their crimes, I would want to hear if he was truly remorseful and make my own judgment. I don't think there is any doubt of his guilt, in this country, if you have been imprisoned for rape, you pretty much did it, it is so rare to get a conviction.

[HollowTalk]

I agree about making absolutely sure this is the same person.

I wouldn't want him anywhere near me but at the same time it's making me think how hard it must be for an offender to lead a normal life afterwards. Surely being shunned by everyone would make them even more likely to reoffend.

[mummyhaschangedhername]

On the surface I would say no way, but I suspect curiosity would get the better of me and I would want more information. I do believe in rehabilitation and second chances but details matter in that case. I mean it could be he was 18 and she was 16 and in a relationship but because of ages it's rape yet it could be physical hold someone down at a park rape which is not someone I could ever trust. Not saying the sex with a 16 year old is acceptable by the way, but it's a very different crime to the latter.

Although, I assume by the length of sentence that it's more a worse case scenario and while I can understand why he lied, that would break my trust in him too.

[PazRaz10]

The Crown Prosecution Service has the following guidelines - given that he served 9 years, his sentence was likely double that. You only need to take a look at these guidelines to see that his attack must have been horrendous - or his sentence lengthened due to behaviour inside. Whichever way you look at it, I could not ever be friends with this person.
www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/rape-and-sexual-offences-chapter-19-sentencing

[1Wildheartsease]

Can you be absolutely sure of the information about his conviction? There are malicious people with the power to manipulate online information.

Like some above, I do believe in second chances and don't think that someone should be condemned for life if the law doesn't do this.

However, it is difficult to see rape as a single mistake.
It seems more like a completely unacceptable way of thinking and behaving. Prison isn't likely to have 'cured' this, so even if he has 'paid' for his crime, he is still the same person and is likely to have the same views/desires.

He is still potentially dangerous too. This is the reason for the sex-offenders register.

The fact that he has lied to you and concealed something so important undermines your friendship completely. I can see why he did so and it is unlikely that he would have your friendship if he hadn't... but this isn't a real friendship.