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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Could you stay friends with a sex offender? *potential trigger warning*

345 replies

Backinatic · 23/04/2019 10:53

Hypothetical scenario for you, which I've found myself in.

You make a friend and over a number of years become fairly close but they don't talk much about their past.

You then find out that this person was sent to prison for the rape of a woman some years before you knew them.

You had no idea they were that way inclined and now question your own judgement, understandably you look at them in a very different light.

Would you instantly go no contact and cut them off on the basis that they'd commited that crime? Would you tell them exactly why you no longer wanted to know them?

Or could you stay friends with somebody you knew was capable of such things even if they'd always been a good friend to you personally?

More of a WWYD really.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/04/2019 12:30

I would want to hear if he was truly remorseful and make my own judgment

That's fair enough up to a point, but this particular rapist has already attempted a cover up by moving area and using a false name and is now lying again about the length and reason for his sentence

Doesn't sound much like remorse to me ...

fluorescentorange · 23/04/2019 12:31

I wouldn't want him anywhere near me but at the same time it's making me think how hard it must be for an offender to lead a normal life afterwards. Surely being shunned by everyone would make them even more likely to reoffend.

This is so true and I have seen it many many times that a person just cannot shake off their past, even if they want to.

Part of me also thinks that if this is 100% true, then some busybody would be spouting about his misdemeanours all over his SM accounts. I would tread very carefully if I was the OP if I was thinking of passing this information I have onto anyone else, even my DP.

TheGrey1houndSpeaks · 23/04/2019 12:33

I wouldn’t give a toss whether someone who’d served 9 years for rape was “remorseful” or not Hmm. What does remorse even mean in the face of such a grotesque attack?
Feeling remorse afterwards puts it in a par with nicking sweets from Woolworths as a 12 year old.

TheTitOfTheIceberg · 23/04/2019 12:34

I mean it could be he was 18 and she was 16 and in a relationship but because of ages it's rape

That would not attract a sentence of nine years (or twelve, depending on whether the nine years is the whole sentence or the time served) in prison. Not in a million years. It would be rare that it even received a custodial sentence TBH.

As I've said upthread, people can try to minimise this or come up with possible scenarios that make it less unpalatable and more forgivable, but 10+ years working in the criminal justice system tells me this was a particularly horrible crime. You don't get nine years imprisonment for being 18 and in love with a 16 year old. You get nine years for being a serial rapist, or for being a violent rapist, or for raping very young children.

Mitzimaybe · 23/04/2019 12:35

OP you are putting more and more details in response to questions on here. You know that Mumsnet threads get picked up by the media sometimes so please be cautious.

Bluelonerose · 23/04/2019 12:36

Op it is so so hard to get a rape conviction so I would keep as far away as possible.
Rape is not something you EVER recover from

AryaStarkWolf · 23/04/2019 12:36

That would not attract a sentence of nine years (or twelve, depending on whether the nine years is the whole sentence or the time served) in prison. Not in a million years. It would be rare that it even received a custodial sentence TBH.

Yeah agree. I would assume that it must have been pretty violent for him to get that much of a sentence

TheGoalIsToStayOutOfTheHole · 23/04/2019 12:37

I would cut contact, regardless of how close I was. Hell, if it turned out my husband had been convicted of rape before I knew him, I would LTB immediately, nevermind friends! I don't believe such men ever change, thats the reason why. They can have rehab, whatever, they will always be rapists who feel entitled to womens bodies for whatever fucking reason. That might soud harsh to some 'what about the poor men' types but fuck it. I don't really care. I would never knowingly be around a rapist, and certainly not on my own.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 23/04/2019 12:38

People can change

Having worked closely with both the perpetrators and victims of sexual abuse, I don't believe this statement holds true for Sex Offenders. Some of them are good actors and do 'remorse' very convincingly, I've been taken in once of twice myself in the past but you soon learn.

I would have no hesitation about ending this friendship. None whatsoever.
As PP said a 9 year prison sentence for Rape is extremely rare. We are talking either multiple victims, multiple offences against the same, a particularly violent assault (disclaimer: all rape is violent!) or a history of violent/serious offences for him to have recieved that sentence . Although, I would still end the friendship immediately in any of the scenarios outlined by FriarTuck as personally I don't think there are any circumstances where rape is forgivable Hmm

I would strongly advise you against confronting him and telling him how disgusted you are etc as some posters have advised. I think we've established that, while you thought you knew this person, you actually have no idea what they are capable of. Besides, there's nothing you can call him that he won't have heard before and it would be extremely naive to think that the loss of the friendship and losing your respect will make him realise the error of his ways. The Psychology of a sex offender just doesn't work like that.
I would just ghost him. You don't need the drama and it's the best way to protect yourself.

Eliza9919 · 23/04/2019 12:38

I was contacted anonymously by somebody from this person past, on social media. They told me to look up a name which I did, and there it was. He's on a database under a different surname.

I'd wonder whether the police would be interested in the fact that he's changed his name. And where he is.

TheGoalIsToStayOutOfTheHole · 23/04/2019 12:38

A 9 year sentence makes it even worse. That proves it was very violent, or other matters were at play too.

joystir59 · 23/04/2019 12:40

Are you sure it is the same person under a different identity? Can you go to the police under Sarah's law to validate what you have found out and ask for advice on how to handle the situation?

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 23/04/2019 12:40

What does remorse even mean in the face of such a grotesque attack?

It usually just means they're sorry they got caught.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 23/04/2019 12:41

I'm only going to answer the headline - Could you stay friends with a sex offender? - presumably you mean a convicted one? As with anything there are degrees of offence, and all circumstances would have to be taken into consideration.

MN can be very black and white, with no middle ground. If the statistics of 1 in 4 women have been sexually assaulted at some point, then there are considerably more offenders around than have been convicted. No one would talk to any one.

A look at the Rehabilitation of Offenders Act gives insight - The Rehabilitation of Offenders Act 1974 gives people with spent convictions and cautions the right not to disclose them when applying for most jobs, and buying insurance. Apart from those given prison sentences of more than 4 years, most people with convictions will benefit from it at some point in their lives. The changes came into force on the 10th March 2014.

hub.unlock.org.uk/knowledgebase/a-simple-guide-to-the-roa/

I dont like vigilantism in any shape or form.

ElektraUnchained · 23/04/2019 12:41

Put yourself and your family first. You owe him nothing. Flowers

TheGoalIsToStayOutOfTheHole · 23/04/2019 12:41

Having worked closely with both the perpetrators and victims of sexual abuse, I don't believe this statement holds true for Sex Offenders. Some of them are good actors and do 'remorse' very convincingly, I've been taken in once of twice myself in the past but you soon learn.

Yes, listening to friends who are probation workers and such, they say the same thing. Helped solidify my opinion, though tbh I don't think, even without that, I would ever trust as man like this. A 9 year sentence is so rare. It was unlikely to be a 'normal' rape (I dont mean that to lessen how bad 'normal' rape is, I just don't know how else to word that) and it could be more violence, multiple victims, anything. This was not 'just' rape IMO.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 23/04/2019 12:42

I was contacted anonymously by somebody from this person past, on social media. They told me to look up a name which I did, and there it was. He's on a database under a different surname.

I might be being thick here, but how would you know Fred Smith was Fred Jones, without seeing a deed poll or a picture?

I'd wonder whether the police would be interested in the fact that he's changed his name. And where he is.

It isnt illegal to change your name or move house.

joystir59 · 23/04/2019 12:43

Of course, lots of 'nice' men who walk amongst us are abusing children and women, including using prostitutes and getting off on violent abusive porn. These are all too common male behaviours and often unreported and unpunished crimes. Lots

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 23/04/2019 12:44

Being shunned by everyone (and really he won’t behe will find out other sex offenders and those who will be forgiving and those who will find him interesting Hmm ) will not make him more likely to offend again he will offend again if HE wants to not because of other people’s actions

And sex offenders are notorious for not changing their attitudes what that get better at is covering for themselves better and knowing how to play people

AssassinatedBeauty · 23/04/2019 12:45

@PlainSpeakingStraightTalking there's a big difference between unknowingly being friends with a rapist/criminal, and continuing once you are fully aware.

Also, choosing not to be friends with someone is in no way "vigilanteism". The OP isn't talking about telling everyone via social media or writing to the local paper or whatever.

JustDanceAddict · 23/04/2019 12:45

Hell
No!

joystir59 · 23/04/2019 12:49

I wouldn't trust a man outside my immediate family to babysit my children simply because of the appallingly high statistical incidence of male abuse of children.

joystir59 · 23/04/2019 12:52

I don't trust men much full stop, based on my own experience of them along with innumerable experiences of women friends. So whilst there are men I do love and do allow into my private life, the dearest of them is held to a certain extent at arm's length. That's what I am comfortable with. I'm allowed to be comfortable.

differentnameforthis · 23/04/2019 12:53

It was a brief, rushed relationship Rushed relationships are not uncommon for abusers. They like to tie their victims down as quick as possible, and make it look "romantic" and "whirlwind"

Sunlov · 23/04/2019 12:54

The first thing I'd be doing would be double checking that the other name the person told you to look up is actually him.
I've asked earlier whether there was a picture alongside so that you know it was him but perhaps you missed the question.

Also, did he serve 9 years or was he sentenced to 9 years?