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AIBU?

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Original poster

Could you stay friends with a sex offender? *potential trigger warning*

345 replies

Backinatic · 23/04/2019 10:53

Hypothetical scenario for you, which I've found myself in.

You make a friend and over a number of years become fairly close but they don't talk much about their past.

You then find out that this person was sent to prison for the rape of a woman some years before you knew them.

You had no idea they were that way inclined and now question your own judgement, understandably you look at them in a very different light.

Would you instantly go no contact and cut them off on the basis that they'd commited that crime? Would you tell them exactly why you no longer wanted to know them?

Or could you stay friends with somebody you knew was capable of such things even if they'd always been a good friend to you personally?

More of a WWYD really.

OP posts:
Valanice1989 · 23/04/2019 11:29

I would absolutely not be friends with a rapist. The penalty for rape is much too light as it is.

cheesydoesit · 23/04/2019 11:29

For God's sake he got 9 years, do the apologists really believe he was wrongly convicted? OP, continue with the freeze and if he turns nasty call the police. You have no reason to feel guilty, hope he leaves you alone.

SpamChaudFroid · 23/04/2019 11:29

As much as I'd want to confront, in this situation I wouldn't. Like others have said, a slow ghosting is what I'd do.

Asta19 · 23/04/2019 11:30

I agree with everything said, but one point to consider is how you got this information? If someone else told you, and this man figures that out, are you placing them in danger? Just something to consider.

Original poster
Backinatic · 23/04/2019 11:30

It's %100 true.

I was told by this person that they had served 18 months for a form of fraud a very long time ago in their 20's, it has now come to light that it was this sexual offence they were in prison for, at least a decade later than they claimed they were incarcerated for, and the fraud conviction doesn't exist.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/04/2019 11:31

He served nine years imprisonment for it

So the actual sentence may have been double that

If so, that's not a situation open to interpretation - it will have been an extremely serious, possibly very violent attack, and I'd certainly be telling him exactly why I'd cut contact

Jellybabiesarebabies · 23/04/2019 11:32

I'd back away carefully. I couldn't be friends with someone like that. 9 years indicates a pretty serious offence.

IamPickleRick · 23/04/2019 11:33

Absolutely not and I’d tell the raping bastard exactly why he can fuck off as well. No ghosting, straight up honesty.

MsTiggywinkletoyou · 23/04/2019 11:33

Could you become friends with a sex offender? Some people try to. (I'm not sure they'd use the word "friend", but I see them doing all the things I hope real friends do for each other, like holding someone responsible, and helping them do better in their lives.)
www.circles-uk.org.uk/
Circles of Support and Accountability (Circles) build safer communities through local volunteers working with sex offenders to minimise alienation, support reintegration and so prevent sexual reoffending.

pangolina · 23/04/2019 11:33

I'd send a message "I don't associate with rapists" then block and delete

Original poster
Backinatic · 23/04/2019 11:34

@Noobcrumble I was contacted anonymously by somebody from this person past, on social media. They told me to look up a name which I did, and there it was. He's on a database under a different surname.

@YetAnotherSurvivor I'm very sorry for what you went through x

OP posts:
ginghamtablecloths · 23/04/2019 11:34

I don't think I could stay friends with them. I'd also worry about my own safety and that of my friends.

IamPickleRick · 23/04/2019 11:35

one point to consider is how you got this information

A mum at school was a high profile criminal. I remembered her face from the paper. Others did too, and she eventually moved schools when someone had a go at her. It’s hard to run from such a past.

Ce7913 · 23/04/2019 11:35

No fucking way.

The legal and social sanctions for rape are quite low enough, thank you, without my cushioning the rapist's existence further by being their buddy and condoning/pretending away their past.

Plus, how would it work in social settings? Are you going to betray your sister, cousins, friends, coworkers by introducing them/inviting him to parties etc., giving him your tacit stamp of approval, and let them find out the hard way that he gets off on violating women's bodies without their consent? I.e. are you going to be an active, willing cog in the machine that is rape culture?

Or are you going to be like, "Sarah, this is my friend, Steve, he'll be joining our trivia team tonight - he's a rapist, btw, so watch your drink and don't let him follow you into any dark corners, haha!"

I mean, what the everloving fuck.

People who opt to pursue/maintain friendships with rapists are capable of disturbing cognitive dissonance and compartmentalisation. They are ethically and intellectually lazy, and as far as I'm concerned are on the same ethical continuum as the rapists themselves are.

LoadOfUtterBoswellocks · 23/04/2019 11:37

I'd gradually ghost. A few "Yep, all fine, life's a bit mad at the moment!" type responses getting fewer and farther between.

TheInvestigator · 23/04/2019 11:38

I think you need to be blunt and clear. Don't add emotion into it. Don't sling insults or say anything like "I'm disgusted with you" or whatever. Don't say anything that can come across as aggressive or provoke a very angry response. Just tell him clearly that you know what he was convicted of and you do not want any further contact between him, you and your family.

Then, if he does anything or harasses your family, you can show the police that you were very clear with him and didn't get into a debate throwing insults etc.

TheTitOfTheIceberg · 23/04/2019 11:38

I used to work in the criminal justice system OP. Getting a nine year sentence for rape happens about as frequently as winning the lottery. This was not a consensual 'statutory rape' or a drunken he said, she said or anything else FriarTuck suggests. This is the kind of sentence handed down for a string of serial rapes or violent rape or something of that ilk.

This is a man who harbours a deep-seated hatred and disrespect for women and thinks he should have power over them - he has to, to be capable of the kind of offence that would attract a nine year sentence for rape. This is not a man I would want to be friends with. I believe in rehabilitation on general principles but I also believe a very small number of crimes say less about what a person has done and more about what they fundamentally are, and rape is one of those crimes.

I would cut contact - in an ideal world I'd tell him why, but if you're nervous about his reaction OP, knowing what you now do about him, I'd just make myself less and less available/contactable, and gradually drift away.

AintNobodyHereButUsReindeer · 23/04/2019 11:39

I would tread carefully OP, another thing you should consider is that if you tell him what you know, he could get nasty and if he hasn't changed, there is a possibility he would attack you. I would absolutely tell your partner, it's not your fault at all that you didn't know, you can't exactly run a DBS check on all new friends and acquaintances!

TheTrollFairy · 23/04/2019 11:40

Nah, I would cut them out! You can’t be friends with someone like that. They (obviously) hid what they did wrong and told you a half truth (that they had been in prison) but lied about what it was for because they knew full well that you wouldn’t be friends with them.

As to if you say anything to them is down to you, we do not know what this person is capable of or what they think like to know if you would be safe to do so. I’m all for calling someone out when there crimes are of this nature so they know that what they did is not on with people but only if it’s safe to do so. You don’t want to call someone out on their behaviour if it puts you or your family in any sort of danger or likely he’ll confront you in front of your children.

Are you likely to bump into them in a social setting?
I would definitely tell your DH about him, he can’t really question your judgement as you simply didn’t know. If you don’t tell him your DH won’t know to not let this person around your kids

Happyspud · 23/04/2019 11:40

The way you describe it no, I wouldn’t want someone like that in my life. If he was family it would be different as I might have to be civil and tolerate his presence for the benefit of others. But a friend can be chopped right off and walked away from so I’d probably do that.

ahtellthee · 23/04/2019 11:40

Absolutely no way. Talk to your partner and together decide how to deal with it.

He probably knows anyway, I bet this isn't the first time this has happened to him.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 23/04/2019 11:42

No

Rehabilitation and change in their attitudes very rarely changes

Tunnocks34 · 23/04/2019 11:42

No I couldnt. I cut ties with someone who I considered a very good friend, who raped someone 7 years ago.

They were never prosecuted as the victim chose not to press charges, but they admitted they had raped her whilst refused to admit blame:

‘No it wasn’t rape she came back to my house, she was up for it, not my fault she blacked out whilst we were getting started and can’t remmeber it’

He was a ‘lovely’ person, kind, funny, ran marathons for cancer charity’s. Not all rapists look like monsters. Some of them are good looking, now accountants.

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 23/04/2019 11:43

Not under the circumstances you’ve outlined no way!

Depending on how likely you are to come in contact accidentally with him depends how I’d handle it but I would definitely be telling my husband! He has a right to know and might want to ensure that you and the kids are safe.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/04/2019 11:43

I was told by this person that they had served 18 months for a form of fraud a very long time ago in their 20's, it has now come to light that it was this sexual offence they were in prison for, at least a decade later than they claimed they were incarcerated for, and the fraud conviction doesn't exist

But why tell you anything at all if you didn't already know about it? That sounds awfully like "getting an account in first" in case you ever learned he'd done time, hoping you didn't find out any further details

Or to put it another way, he's still lying and trying to dodge responsibility