Could you stay friends with a sex offender? *potential trigger warning*

[Backinatic]

Hypothetical scenario for you, which I've found myself in.

You make a friend and over a number of years become fairly close but they don't talk much about their past.

You then find out that this person was sent to prison for the rape of a woman some years before you knew them.

You had no idea they were that way inclined and now question your own judgement, understandably you look at them in a very different light.

Would you instantly go no contact and cut them off on the basis that they'd commited that crime? Would you tell them exactly why you no longer wanted to know them?

Or could you stay friends with somebody you knew was capable of such things even if they'd always been a good friend to you personally?

More of a WWYD really.

[Thetruthwillout80]

OP, do you reckon that as it's only Facebook and email that he is using his aka, it doesn't really matter so much, in a legal sense. But passports, etc. would need to hold his proper name?

[Backinatic]

I would have thought so @Thetruthwillout80

I've never seen his passport or anything like that so it's entirely possible that his 'new' name isn't official and is only used for the purposes of social media

[Thetruthwillout80]

I feel for you, op, and I apologise for my snippy comment earlier.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

I've suggested he tell friends in the same way I was told, anonymously alongside a link to the proof

On the whole, this may well be the wisest idea

Anonymous messages are normally something I'd avoid, but under the circumstances - and given your concern about repercussions - it may be the sensible path to take

[Backinatic]

That's ok truth, thank you. I also apologise for my snippy response x

[IamPickleRick]

Can anyone tell me how I would check the sex offenders list please?

[EmeraldShamrock]

My Nana used to say Emerald always beware of the wolf in sheep's clothing. She was a wise lady.
Like many pp's many of my friends, including myself have been a position of sexual abuse on different levels.
I get NAMALT but many many are.

[Namechanger000]

I considered messaging a certain person's friends a few years back but I never went ahead with it mainly due to not knowing if I could get in trouble with the law (even though I was the person he done this too) and also any consequences from him coming to find me.

I could never knowingly be friends with a rapist, someone who had deliberately and permanently damaged another person's life in such a horrific was for their own gratification.

[Fimat]

Yes, I would do it anonymously too. That way you're passing the information forward to those who need to know but it can't be traced back to you. If it was me I'd just want to have nothing to do with this person and I wouldn't want to discuss him with others. They are dangerous, manipulative people who thrive on control and power. Don't get caught up in his toxicity. Wash your hands.
I work with all sorts of prisoners. The sex offenders are housed together and legitimise and normalise their behaviour.
I have zero tolerance for any sex offender. It's a massive struggle to have to work them. I can understand the path that leads to most other crimes and work hard to try to help and rehabilitate them but every sex offender I've ever met has been in total denial.
I'm so sorry to read the stories on this thread.

[ColdNeverBotheredMeAnyway]

The thought did cross my mind that it was the woman he'd assaulted or at least somebody very close to her, perhaps a relative or good friend.

I'd put money on it being his ex girlfriend, the one who disappeared suddenly. I wouldn't be at all surprised if she found out about his past, and now feels the need to let you know.

[motherheroic]

No. Rapist's are likely to reoffend and women are usually raped by men that they know. Do the math.

[jackparlabane]

Not knowingly. My ex-best mate is a rapist (hence the ex-ness). He hit me when I rebuffed his advances but thankfully nothing worse. I've told many of the people on our course (a tight-knit group) about him hitting me and implying he did worse to others, but the two women I knew about for sure didn't want their rapes spread about. So it took a long time to get him ostracised from the group as the lads didn't pick up on hints.

Didn't see him for years but then met him at an event with his wife. Funnily enough he kept hovering by her as if he didn't want me to speak to her. When he went to the toilet I did say "I hope you're not one of the girlfriends he used to beat up" so hopefully she just thinks I'm mad and he has reformed - but I doubt it. 😡

So no, I don't think I could knowingly be friends with a rapist. I also get creepy vibes off many men who are 'too' nice, life and soul of the party, do stuff for charity, but say things that dispute others' feelings and prove they care more about themselves than consent - with ex-mate it was him practising a massage-like technique for an exam, I said 'that hurts', he said no it doesn't, I need to finish this - I stormed off but I'm fairly sure if I'd gone along with it, he'd have tried more.

In comparison I had a mate who'd served seven years for armed robbery. He was young, pressured into it, didn't actually shoot anyone, very repentant, didn't try to hide it (not just because kids we worked with would try to blackmail him every year). Totally different mentality.

[InadvertentlyBrilliant]

No.

I don't give a toss about spent convictions. To actually serve 9 years means the sentence was probably a fair bit longer and, considering how pathetic a lot of sentences have been for some time, this must have been well-deserved.

I wouldn't be friends with others with spent convictions either like ABH, GBH, but for me a long sentence for a sex crime is definitely a big no.

[justarandomtricycle]

9 years SERVED = possibly twice that as a sentence. Under our current criminal justice system this seems like it was particularly egregious even for the crime of rape. Are you sure he didn't kill someone?

The fact this person is befriending you with a tissue of lies suggests they not wholly a reformed character that has paid their debt to society, indeed continuing to live a story while getting close to women may suggest something a lot worse. Don't even consider confronting them about it, this may be a predator with you as potential prey. Slowly ghost them and be prepared for the worst as he realises what has happened. This is going to involve informing at least one person who needs to know this person is a potential threat, so steel yourself for that. This abuse of your trust is not your fault, remember that.

[InadvertentlyBrilliant]

@PlainSpeakingStraightTalking

"A look at the Rehabilitation of Offenders Act gives insight"
"Apart from those given prison sentences of more than 4 years, most people with convictions will benefit from it at some point in their lives."

This man was given 9 years so the Rehabilitation act, in respect of him, is inferring he probably would not benefit from rehabilitation. Presumably their information is based on extensive research and knowledge of offenders.

I don't understand why you would just say you are only going to answer the headline. If you don't want to put an answer that is pertinent to the thread itself then why bother?

[Silvanna]

I agree with your husband. I would want to know if I had acquaintances with a criminal past in order to ensure that my family and I were safe.

[differentnameforthis]

So there are exceptions, but they are incredibly rare. No exceptions. Your friend IS a rapist. You seem VERY happy to blame this girl, using all the excuses in the book.

'she told him she was 18'
'she used fake id'
'she pursued him'
'she consented' - except she wasn't old enough to consent, so she didn't!

do you realise how textbook rape apologist you sound???

@Jodie571 but if it’s clean cut rape What's that then, Jodie?

@Babuchak - if you cannot accept a discussion about the "grey areas" for example, you are weakening the real cases.

1] NO grey areas around rape, consent isn't complicated.
2] define real cases
3] not accepting "grey areas isn't weakening "real cases"
4] define "real" rape

@Nicknacky - If you are not 100% sure if someone is over the age of consent, don’t have sex with them! Exactly!

If you have to ask to see ID - you have doubts about age - don't have sex with that person
If you get shown ID - there is a reason fore them doing so - don't believe it and don't have sex with that person.

[differentnameforthis]

*for

[HeyNannyNanny]

If you are not 100% sure if someone is over the age of consent, don’t have sex with them!

This

[IamtheDevilsAvocado]

Ok...I was violently drugged and raped by a good friend of my boyfriend when I was 18. ..someone I liked and trusted. ..the whole situation was a set up. ..I thought I was just returning a loaned item on a glorious summers day...I was a lamb to the slaughter. ...

I have also worked in forensic psychology and have worked with rapists. .

Often they seem on the face of it...likeable. ..

They ALL lie and manipulate and minimise their crimes....the 'worst' one...a man who had raped a 4 year old....the disgusting stuff he came out with haunted me for months...

I think you're right NOT to confront...I would slowly ghost him. ...he may think you've guessed but I can't see him asking you directly as this would be revealing if you didn't know...


I would tell your pals ...but anonymously....

I would urgently do this....something like...

re your friend Robert Smith who is Robert Brown. ..please read the below...

Send your pals a link to the article...or copy and paste

Do it from a different computer...library or something?. ...use an alias and set up an mail account specific for this purpose.

Say you know he served 9 years. ..so aggravating features....a child/violence breach if trust...
I would also enclose link to sentencing guidelines...
sign it something like ...a friend who thinks you need to know .

It's then up to them what they do with the information.

I wouldn't want to have this information and not share it