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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Could you stay friends with a sex offender? *potential trigger warning*

345 replies

Backinatic · 23/04/2019 10:53

Hypothetical scenario for you, which I've found myself in.

You make a friend and over a number of years become fairly close but they don't talk much about their past.

You then find out that this person was sent to prison for the rape of a woman some years before you knew them.

You had no idea they were that way inclined and now question your own judgement, understandably you look at them in a very different light.

Would you instantly go no contact and cut them off on the basis that they'd commited that crime? Would you tell them exactly why you no longer wanted to know them?

Or could you stay friends with somebody you knew was capable of such things even if they'd always been a good friend to you personally?

More of a WWYD really.

OP posts:
cheesydoesit · 23/04/2019 18:18

And i think if you read the full thread then you will see numerous posters had caveats as to what constituted as a 'real' rape and so by definition if a rape was reported that fell into one of those caveats then essentially the posters would have continued being friends with the rapist meaning they don't believe or care about what the woman reported.

Original poster
Backinatic · 23/04/2019 18:24

He could plead his innocence until he was blue in the face but I would never believe a word of it, much the same for any apparent remorse.

Very interested in all of the opinions and reassured that most fall in line with my own.

Having been sexually assaulted myself I'm very zero tolerance and unforgiving about it and did wonder how others would see things, especially if they hadn't been through similar.

OP posts:
spannerintheneck · 23/04/2019 18:27

How do you know the person on the register is your friend if it is a different surname?

crochetandshit · 23/04/2019 18:36

If he comes up to you at the event, do you think you could just say "I received a message telling me to Google x name. I did" and then walk away?

NorthernRunner · 23/04/2019 18:40

I may be being stupid here so please excuse me, but how do you know the man on the database is the same man you know if the surnames are different? Is there a picture of him in the paper or something?

I would definitely want to find out for sure, but if you have undeniable proof it’s the same man, I would simply send him a WhatsApp message saying something along the lines of “I know about your imprisonment for Rape, we can no longer be friends”
Then block his number and block him from all social media

Nicknacky · 23/04/2019 18:40

friar Here’s a radical idea. If you are not 100% sure if someone is over the age of consent, don’t have sex with them!

YeOldeTrout · 23/04/2019 18:47

Yes I could stay friends while believing in his guilt. I'm very catholic about it.
I believe that rehabilitation is possible & important.
I would never see him as same person again, though.

FriarTuck · 23/04/2019 18:48

Nicknacky my point, as I'm sure you're aware, was that you could think they were over age because they looked several years older and you had no reason to doubt it, but you could double check just because you know you could get the blame if you assume so you ask them, you could then triple check by looking at their id, but they could still be underage and pretending. You cannot be certain and therefore it is unreasonable to hold someone legally responsible when the other party has done everything within their power to fool them. I'm not talking about shagging a girl in her school uniform, I'm talking about a 15 yo that you meet in a club who looks 25, says she's 25 and has a fake id that says she's 25.

ThanksItHasPockets · 23/04/2019 18:50

On the subject of all these fifteen-year-old temptresses convincing older men that they are much older, it is explicitly written into the sentencing guidelines that the judge should take it into account as a mitigating factor if the defendant genuinely believed the victim to be over 16.

Lizzie48 · 23/04/2019 18:51

I can’t think of any grounds where I would want to be friends with a man who had been convicted of rape, or accused of rape. Obviously this is because of the heinous nature of the crime, but also because I have 2 DDs and my responsibility is to keep them safe.

I know how harrowing it is to report a rape to the police, to wait while the police and then the CPS investigate the case. And the chance of your attacker being convicted is very small.

I believe false claims are very rare and down to mental illness mostly. (I’m sure someone will tell me of a case where this wasn’t the case.)

One final point. No one jumps in to doubt the truthfulness of a burglary victim, whereas I’m sure there are far more false claims of burglary than rape (insurance scams). So why do people constantly being up the possibility of false claims of rape.

Nicknacky · 23/04/2019 18:51

Very few girls who are 15 can pull off being 25. But again, a man could, you know, take some time and get to know her before he had to have sex with her if he wants to be sure he won’t commit an offence.

If he wants a one night stand, then it’s a risk he takes and he has to face the legal consequences if is underage.

I have no sympathy for men who sleep with under age girls then complain about it.

Nicknacky · 23/04/2019 18:52

And friar yes they are legally responsible.

NorthernRunner · 23/04/2019 18:55

I am getting the creeps about some of the posters on here, reminds me of the argument against Adam Johnson’s victim “well she was 15, and 15yr olds know what they are doing...”Hmm

It’s precisely why more women don’t come forward.

Lizzie48 · 23/04/2019 18:56

I’m a Christian and do believe that forgiveness is important, but if I’m not the victim it isn’t my place to forgive anyway. It’s God who forgives.

Plus, forgiving someone doesn’t mean that the relationship can be restored. I know my DSis has forgiven her abusive ex. That doesn’t mean they’ll ever have anything to do with each other again.

Belenus · 23/04/2019 18:58

But how? Half the teenage girls I see go out of their way to look in their early 20s so it's impossible to tell by looking.

You could meet various of their friends and possibly even their parents before having sex with them. You could spend time getting to know them in various different contexts. If you just spent enough time talking to them that would help. "Where do you work?" would be a good start.

cheesydoesit · 23/04/2019 19:01

Northern, I was going to type a similar message regarding the Adam Johnson case but then wondered what the fucking point would be. The comments regarding that case on Facebook at the time were disgusting and the girl was really brave to have reported it.

By the logic of the 'teen temptress' theory, even if a man had forcibly had sex with an underage girl then all bets were off anyway once she had 'baited' him with a false age.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/04/2019 19:02

if I’m not the victim it isn’t my place to forgive anyway. It’s God who forgives

... and even then, only where there's repentance

cheesydoesit · 23/04/2019 19:06

Northern, I was going to type a similar message regarding the Adam Johnson case but then I thought what was the point? The comments on news reports of that case on Facebook at the time were just gross.

The 'teen temptress' theory also means that if a man had forcibly had sex with an underage girl, all bets were off anyway once she had 'baited' him with a false age and this is relied upon as a defence in court and the public eye as we have seen many times before.

NorthernRunner · 23/04/2019 19:06

Cheesy - oh the Facebook pages concerning him were horrendous. He was released last week wasn’t he? That poor girl and her family received death threats.

cheesydoesit · 23/04/2019 19:07

My phone crashed so I typed that out twice. Anyway, sorry for the derail OP, I hope he catches on and stays away from you without any nonsense.

Moralitym1n1 · 23/04/2019 19:08

*I feel that some of the responses demonstrate the way that women are socialised to be lenient and forgiving in a way that men aren't.

Imagine if someone asked a group of men, "Would you be friends with a woman who accused a man of rape, ruined his life, let him go to prison, and then admitted that she'd made the whole thing up?" I think the answer would be a universal NO. I really don't think there would be any replies about how everyone deserves a second chance, or concern that this woman won't be rehabilitated if she's ostracised by society.*

So true.

cheesydoesit · 23/04/2019 19:09

Yes it was terrible and by the looks of it not much will change in regards of attitudes towards rape.

NoCauseRebel · 23/04/2019 19:10

Hang on a minute though.

Firstly, there’s no way on earth I would stay friends with a sex offender, that’s a given as far as I’m concerned.

But in this case you’ve been contacted anonymously by someone to tell you that the person you’re friends with, who now goes by a different name, is actually someone else and served nine years for rape?

Given you don’t know who contacted you, and the name he uses isn’t the name of the convicted sex offender, do you even know that this bloke is who this anonymous person says he is?

This doesn’t sound legit to me. Nine years for rape is extremely serious, and if he’s from the area then it’s almost certain that someone would know him and know what he’d done. But this man doesn’t even have the name of the sex offender he apparently is, and you’re going to just take the word of an anonymous stranger that he’s a rapist?

What do you know about this bloke OP? Have you met friends? Family etc? Because the idea that an anonymous person would contact someone who is a purely platonic friend to pass on this information sounds malicious to me. ESP given the identities etc are different. I would need to know, and while I wouldn’t contact him, I would find ways to find out, perhaps the police etc as if he’s on the register he would need to be registered in the area potentially.

JAPAB · 23/04/2019 19:13

You could meet various of their friends and possibly even their parents before having sex with them. You could spend time getting to know them in various different contexts.

What does that mean for one night stands? They might have to take a hit if the male is obligated to hire a private investigator before doing anything.

If someone looks over-aged, says they are, and there is nothing to call that into question, then this is good enough I think. Plus in some of the cases mentioned they even had ID to say they were over-age.

lyralalala · 23/04/2019 19:15

But in this case you’ve been contacted anonymously by someone to tell you that the person you’re friends with, who now goes by a different name, is actually someone else and served nine years for rape?
Given you don’t know who contacted you, and the name he uses isn’t the name of the convicted sex offender, do you even know that this bloke is who this anonymous person says he is?

The OP says she’s 100% sure.

I’m assuming from that it’s similar to what happened to my DH with his friend. Someone anonymously messaged him the original name of the person, he googled that name and it brought up all of the newspaper reports (including photos) from the time that showed that Fred Smith that we knew was indeed Fred Jones.

The way it was done by them was, we worked out from who got the same message, the anonymous person had found out the new name he was going by and has messaged the people on their friends list.