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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Could you stay friends with a sex offender? *potential trigger warning*

345 replies

Backinatic · 23/04/2019 10:53

Hypothetical scenario for you, which I've found myself in.

You make a friend and over a number of years become fairly close but they don't talk much about their past.

You then find out that this person was sent to prison for the rape of a woman some years before you knew them.

You had no idea they were that way inclined and now question your own judgement, understandably you look at them in a very different light.

Would you instantly go no contact and cut them off on the basis that they'd commited that crime? Would you tell them exactly why you no longer wanted to know them?

Or could you stay friends with somebody you knew was capable of such things even if they'd always been a good friend to you personally?

More of a WWYD really.

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 23/04/2019 15:49

There used to be a crime called ‘unlawful carnal knowledge’, where an adult has sex with a girl under 16. Not rape, just unlawful sex. I don’t know whether they use that anymore?

If it was that, then he probably would be on the sex offenders’ register.

Nicknacky · 23/04/2019 15:51

It doesn’t make any difference if her mother agreed or not, that will not affect any criminal charge or conviction.

Lizzie48 · 23/04/2019 15:55

There was quite a big age gap tbh, and he must have known she was a vulnerable girl, out drinking every night. I’m really sorry about his mum committing suicide, that’s really tragic, but him being 25 makes me somewhat more sceptical of his story than if you’d said he was a 17/18 year old.

Grumpos · 23/04/2019 15:57

I was very good friends with a lad my whole life, had a huge crush on him growing up and had the occasional on/off teenage relationship (didn’t sleep with him although was often in same room / alone etc).
When we were in our mid 30s he was convicted of raping his partner. He claimed consensual, she said it wasn’t. The first trial was hung jury and 2nd a majority guilty verdict. He received 6 years.
A few mutual friends, including another ex of his contacted me to pass on prison info and said he’d asked me to write / visit. He maintained his innocence the whole time.
I couldn’t bring myself to do it, I don’t know if he raped her, they had a very volatile relationship (from both sides) and she was not an honest person at the best of times however a jury found him guilty was enough to cut contact.

It does make me sad in a way although I wish it didn’t.
So from experience no, not even with 20 years of history and friendship (and some level of doubt) could I stay friends with a man who did that.

EmeraldShamrock · 23/04/2019 15:59

Not looking forward to seeing him at an event me and DP are due to go to in a few weeks, I think he's bound to approach and ask why the ghosting if I haven't responded to him by then which at the moment I'm not intending to
Be straight with him, tell the filthy animal you know, what is the point of avoiding the rapist in the room. You need to contact the police about his new name and location.
Someone took the risk to warn you, protect yourself, shut him off with the truth.

Jux · 23/04/2019 16:00

I would find it hard not to probe him about his views on women, both within a relationship and parenthood, where the power struggle comes to the fore (if there is one).

I would also want to ask him about changing one's name, pretend that I was thinking of doing it - does he have any knowledge/experience in that regard?

Both are very bad ideas.

whohaa · 23/04/2019 16:02

He is on the register. She was 15 but did appear to be 18 in every respect. I'm not saying it was right. But she admitted she'd lied about her age and had a fake ID to go drinking in bars every evening. She fooled everyone.

18 and 25 is not a big gap.

You're not convinced by facts?

cheesydoesit · 23/04/2019 16:12

Legally 18 and 25 might not seem like a large gap but emotionally I think it is. If he were 17/18 himself it would have been more likely he would've realised she was lying about her age. Even if she was 18 she still would have only just left school while he would have had more life experience. What if she was 16 and he knew her true age? Do you think he would have slept with her then because it was legal? And would that have been ok?

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 23/04/2019 16:12

To be fair to him, she was out drinking every evening in bars, why would he assume any different.

You have to be naive or willfully ignorant to not know that under 18s sneak into 18+ clubs and have the fake ID. Also how did he know she had fake I.D? If you're in a situation where you need to ask/there's uncertainty then common sense should kick in and not take anything further til you're sure. Especially if you're in a band and probably have groupies - it's not like men in bands haven't taken advantage of young teen groupies before.

Tingface · 23/04/2019 16:13

I wouldn’t stay friends with him, no.

I would also contact the police and advise them of the new name he operates under.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 23/04/2019 16:13

Puzzledandpissedoff

The post in regards to reporting they have an understanding of how difficult it is to get a conviction and also the trauma it can bring to the victim reporting the crime sometimes it just feels to difficult to deal with

cheesydoesit · 23/04/2019 16:15

Also I have known a 13 year who was a heavy cocaine user, went out in bars and had sex with older teens and men. Imo though no matter how 'convincing' she was, her age mitigated her of any responsibility.

whohaa · 23/04/2019 16:20

She had everyone convinced she was 18. All the door staff and bar men at the bars, a whole group of friends etc. None of us knew, so why should he have? Her ID said she was 18, why would we think any different?

I'm not saying he shouldn't have had the conviction, even though he was completely unaware of he real age, he did sleep with an underage girl, so the conviction should stand. But the point is that he really didn't know. None of us knew. Myself included. It's still hard to believe from looking at her and spending so much time with her. But facts are facts and so he's rightly on the register now.

You can disbelieve all you want, but that's what happened. 18 and 25 year olds are completely normal and legal, so as far as we were all aware at the time, it was all fine. I've had bigger age gaps! I was dating a 26 year old when I was 18 at uni too.

Lizzie48 · 23/04/2019 16:21

Wohaa I’m sorry, the reason some of us are sceptical is because of the appallingly low conviction rate for rape. And for that reason, you really shouldn’t blame the girl’s mother; she can say what she likes about what she thinks happened, but she wasn’t a witness.

Whether it was rape or not is a separate issue, we don’t know what evidence the court had.

whohaa · 23/04/2019 16:22

He didn't know she had a fake ID! That's the point!!
None of us knew. Her friends, the staff, him, her partner were convinced.

whohaa · 23/04/2019 16:24

I'm not blaming the mother. I'd have done the same if it were my daughter. I've said several times I agree with his conviction. But it is also true that none of us knew her real age.

Are you all deliberately reading whatever you want into what I'm saying?

joystir59 · 23/04/2019 16:25

*wouldn't trust a man outside my immediate family to babysit my children simply because of the appallingly high statistical incidence of male abuse of children.

I understand your concern, but the reality is children are most likely to be abused by someone they know.

If he's babysitting he falls into the group of 'people the kids know', doesn't he?*
Tbh, I wouldn't let ANY man look after my children. I'm a lesbian so this is an easy reality for me. I was pulling my punches before.

joystir59 · 23/04/2019 16:26

*wouldn't trust a man outside my immediate family to babysit my children simply because of the appallingly high statistical incidence of male abuse of children.

I understand your concern, but the reality is children are most likely to be abused by someone they know.

If he's babysitting he falls into the group of 'people the kids know', doesn't he*

QueenOfTheTofuTree · 23/04/2019 16:26

I agree with his conviction

So what's the problem then?

SinkGirl · 23/04/2019 16:27

whohaa did that go to trial or did he plead guilty?

The reason people are sceptical is that there is provision written into law to protect against this sort of thing - so if he could not have reasonably known she was underage and she admitted she lied, had fake ID etc, he shouldn’t have been convicted.

Could you stay friends with a sex offender? *potential trigger warning*
TerryWogansWilly · 23/04/2019 16:29

I think you have done the right thing op. I wouldn't speak to him or explain anything.

QueenOfTheTofuTree · 23/04/2019 16:31

I also seriously doubt a man who slept with someone underage would serve a 9 year sentence, especially if he believed she was 18. So what happened to your friend is irrelevant to what the OP has found out about her friend.

twattymctwatterson · 23/04/2019 16:36

whoha what crime was your friend convicted of exactly?

notapizzaeater · 23/04/2019 16:44

Can sex offenders not change there name ? The bulger boys did ?

IamPickleRick · 23/04/2019 16:59

The Bulger boys didn’t change their names, they were given court ordered new identities.