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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Could you stay friends with a sex offender? *potential trigger warning*

345 replies

Backinatic · 23/04/2019 10:53

Hypothetical scenario for you, which I've found myself in.

You make a friend and over a number of years become fairly close but they don't talk much about their past.

You then find out that this person was sent to prison for the rape of a woman some years before you knew them.

You had no idea they were that way inclined and now question your own judgement, understandably you look at them in a very different light.

Would you instantly go no contact and cut them off on the basis that they'd commited that crime? Would you tell them exactly why you no longer wanted to know them?

Or could you stay friends with somebody you knew was capable of such things even if they'd always been a good friend to you personally?

More of a WWYD really.

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 23/04/2019 17:00

QueenOfTheTofuTree No, Wohaa’s friend wasn’t sentenced to 9 years in prison, that was the OP’s friend, an entirely different case.

As I understand it, Wohaa’s friend had to sign on the sex offenders’ register, but I can’t recall if she specified whether he served prison time or not?

I am surprised at the sentence. I would have thought it would be unlawful carnal knowledge (if that still exists as an offence in law) and not rape, as the girl agrees that she consented. And if he really didn’t know her age, then I’m surprised it even went to trial.

Could she have been deemed too drunk to properly consent to sex?

Nicknacky · 23/04/2019 17:05

It won’t have been rape unless as you say, she was incapacitated and unable to give consent.

safariboot · 23/04/2019 17:05

Would depend how long ago he did it.

10 years isn't enough. 20 isn't enough. 30 maybe. 40 years ago, yeah, I could probably stay friends, but even then, what he says and does now will be a big factor. In OP's case that would mean the man is now nearly 80.

pallisers · 23/04/2019 17:12

In OP's case that would mean the man is now nearly 80.

Why would his age matter when you make a judgement on his character?

QueenOfTheTofuTree · 23/04/2019 17:16

@Lizzie48

Yes I know that.

The point is is that nobody is going to serve 9 years for having sex with someone underage so what was the point in bringing it up on this thread?

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 23/04/2019 17:22

No I couldn't be friends with him.
He's a beast rotten and evil to core, and as for any of that shit. He's done his time. He should be allowed to move on. No he shouldn't. The poor women he violated never will do, will she. Angry

Original poster
Backinatic · 23/04/2019 17:40

The victim in this man's case wasn't underage she was an adult (not to take away from the fact it's an utterly deplorable thing to do to anybody, regardless of age)

In relation to younger females lying about their age and sleeping with older blokes. I've known of this to happen plenty in circles when I was younger and had friends who would lie about their age when they fancied an older boy. I think when there's any doubt whatsoever the older male has a responsibility to make sure she's of legal age, which in the cases of some of the people I knew - never happened.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/04/2019 17:52

You're right, EnthusiasmIsDisturbed, and that's why I said about encouraging victims to report rather than insisting they should

I'd expect others to pass forward useful information they may become aware of - an rapist's unregistered new address, a paedophile hanging round a school, etc - but insisting victims do it can sometimes be too much

Theirs is the greatest need, so theirs must be the decision

Jodie571 · 23/04/2019 17:56

I’d need to know the detail before making a judgement but if it’s clean cut rape and he hasn’t been stitched up/lied on (which sometimes can happen sadly for men) then I I couldn’t be friends with someone that has that kind of malicious streak

Bluntness100 · 23/04/2019 18:00

Jesus Jodie. Talk about victim blaming.this man served none years. His sentence will have been much longer. And you're still wanting to check it wasn't the woman who was in the wrong.

That's just so disturbing. And you call a man who commits a crime so vile as he serves nine years as just having a malicious streak?

QueenOfTheTofuTree · 23/04/2019 18:01

if it’s clean cut rape and he hasn’t been stitched up/lied on (which sometimes can happen sadly for men)

He was convicted and served nine years. How much more clean cut do you need it to be?

Lizzie48 · 23/04/2019 18:02

That’s true, I take your point. It has no relevance on this thread. I suppose Wohaa was giving it as an example where you might feel you could stay friends with a convicted rapist.

Bluntness100 · 23/04/2019 18:03

How would you check he wasn't stitched up Jodie after a jury convicted him?

I'm guessing you'd ask him? And if he says he was, you'd believe him? I can't think of any other way you'd check.

cheesydoesit · 23/04/2019 18:03

but if it’s clean cut rape and he hasn’t been stitched up/lied on (which sometimes can happen sadly for men)

Luckily for men this is not really as common occurrence as we are led to believe. Men are 230 times more likely to be raped themselves than be falsely accused of rape.

Lizzie48 · 23/04/2019 18:05

Malicious streak, that’s a horrid understatement. My F was capable of malice in his treatment of his DW (my DM) but the SA wasn’t a ‘malicious streak’, it was sick.

JAPAB · 23/04/2019 18:07

I'm not saying he shouldn't have had the conviction, even though he was completely unaware of he real age, he did sleep with an underage girl, so the conviction should stand. But the point is that he really didn't know. None of us knew. Myself included. It's still hard to believe from looking at her and spending so much time with her. But facts are facts and so he's rightly on the register now.

If someone has a reasonable belief that the other person is over-16 and consenting, then I fail to see why they should get any sort of legal punishment at all. Even if the belief was wrong.

To answer the OP's question, if I believed the verdict then I can't imagine remaining friendly with someone. Unless - possibly - it was a very long time ago and I believed in their sincere remorse and regret.

Jodie571 · 23/04/2019 18:08

Wow, sorry I only read the original post.

Apologies I didn’t have time to read all 263 posts.

Also, sorry I didn’t have time to list all the possible vile names we can call a rapist.

Didn't mean to cause any offence

FriarTuck · 23/04/2019 18:10

I think when there's any doubt whatsoever the older male has a responsibility to make sure she's of legal age
But how? Half the teenage girls I see go out of their way to look in their early 20s so it's impossible to tell by looking. Ask to see a driving licence? What happens when they pull out a fake one? Or they say, quite legitimately, that they don't have one because they've not bothered learning to drive yet (especially in London)? If someone tells you they're a legal age and they look it then surely that should be acceptable?

cheesydoesit · 23/04/2019 18:11

Some of the comments on this thread illustrate why women just don't bother reporting sexual assaults. What is the point? Unless you are a very young child (not an underage yet pubescent girl because they are just wanton liars) or have been beaten or murdered after being assaulted then there is probably a reasonable explanation for the attackers behaviour.

madcatladyforever · 23/04/2019 18:14

Well I worked in a prison for years so I probably could provided there was absolutely no chance of me becoming a victim and he was fully reformed.
I would make sure I was never in a position where I could be in danger though.

Babuchak · 23/04/2019 18:14

that's not what the posters are saying AT ALL cheesydoesit, if you cannot accept a discussion about the "grey areas" for example, you are weakening the real cases.

Mymomsbetterthanyomom · 23/04/2019 18:14

NOPE!!!!

cheesydoesit · 23/04/2019 18:15

What defines a real case?

QueenOfTheTofuTree · 23/04/2019 18:15

I find it amazing that despite this man being both convicted and serving nine years there are still people suggesting there is a chance he could have been innocent and the woman was the one in the wrong.

zippey · 23/04/2019 18:16

Nine years is a long time. He obviously won’t tell people of his past unless he has to. I don’t think I’d knowingly be friends with a convicted rapist.