Could you stay friends with a sex offender? *potential trigger warning*

[Backinatic]

Hypothetical scenario for you, which I've found myself in.

You make a friend and over a number of years become fairly close but they don't talk much about their past.

You then find out that this person was sent to prison for the rape of a woman some years before you knew them.

You had no idea they were that way inclined and now question your own judgement, understandably you look at them in a very different light.

Would you instantly go no contact and cut them off on the basis that they'd commited that crime? Would you tell them exactly why you no longer wanted to know them?

Or could you stay friends with somebody you knew was capable of such things even if they'd always been a good friend to you personally?

More of a WWYD really.

Absolutely fucking not

I’m so sorry Mariel - you are not alone Even with my own experiences I still held on to the idea that all rape / abuse was deliberately done, carried out by sadistic sexual predators deliberately. Knowing that made me think that my own experiences weren’t valid because the men who hurt me didn’t seem to be sexual predators. Over the years my perception has changed, which has been difficult, but also it makes you realise that you are not to blame for ending up with so many abusive men. All the men who assaulted / raped me as an adult were charming and seemed “normal”. One continued to contact me afterwards, as if I were some “friend with benefits”. He seemed to have no idea what he had done, and I think that’s when I started to question things more.

Not everyone wants to report things to the police either. Totally their choice. Or if they do it gets no crimed. I know of 3 friends and family members who were abused as children and none of them ever reported it to the police. Their abusers got to live out their lives as respected pillars of community.

Exactly. I could never have gone to the police. Occasionally I’ll consider it, even all these years / decades later, but I just couldn’t do it. Someone else reporting it is irrelevant if the victim is unable or unwilling to give a statement.

My heart goes out to those of you who've been through abuse at the hands of these types of people, I'm truly sorry for your experiences. It really is horrible and I'll never completely get over what happened to me. In my case it was a partner and somebody I trusted implicitly. I put up very high barriers afterwards, which is why I'm gutted that I befriended somebody who turned out to be of the same ilk.

I've decided I'm not going to confront him, I'm going to ignore totally. I think he's bound to suspect something isn't quite right but I don't owe him an explanation. If losing friends causes him paranoia and has him wondering why, then he has only himself to blame for being deceptive in the first place.

Not looking forward to seeing him at an event me and DP are due to go to in a few weeks, I think he's bound to approach and ask why the ghosting if I haven't responded to him by then which at the moment I'm not intending to.

In an ideal world he'd just go away.

I don't know who the person is who contacted me with the information, only that they are somebody from his past.

I'd like to hope it's not the lady he hurt and that she has managed as best she can to put the bastard out of her thoughts.

When we had this conversation at work, every single woman had a story - and that's the stories they were prepared to share with work colleagues.

I had a similar conversation when just graduated college. 8 of us there, 7 women and 1 man. All of us bar one had some incident, including the man - same kind of thing as you described. The one who said she hadn't anything had actually been raped by a family member - she just didn't want to share that in a larger group.

AnnaMagnani I take your point about "the dodgy uncle" and the rest, but in the earlier post you referenced those who'd already been convicted and received custodial sentences

Under the presumption of innocence I'd expect a distinction to be made between questionable folk who might commit offences and those who actually have - otherwise, isn't there a risk of coming to believe that the convicted are just somehow unlucky, and "really no worse than everyone else"?

FWIW my own experience of sexual abuse was from my father, but it was decades ago when children just weren't listened to. Luckily we've moved some way past that now, which is another reason I believe victims should always be encouraged to report

Any rape is vile, and horrific, but to have been sentenced to a term (maybe 20 years?) that ended up being 9 years ? It must have been off-the-scale horrific. Ryan English, who raped a 3 year old in the toilets of a working men's club was sentenced to 9 years last year.

I would just keep sending 'busy mad' replies. At the function you will attend? I would seriously consider not going. If there are a group of friends that will be there and will question this, then it maybe time to disclose this information to them. Put yourself in their shoes; if someone was privy to information like this would you want/expect to be told?

What a horrible dilemma for you to be in.

Good lord. Years since I did criminal law but it is very difficult to secure a rape conviction and that is an extremely long sentence so it would have been a nasty nasty crime with aggravating factors. You don’t get 9 years for being a clueless 18 year old with a 15 year old girlfriend. I would run a mile

Not looking forward to seeing him at an event me and DP are due to go to in a few weeks, I think he's bound to approach and ask why the ghosting if I haven't responded to him by then which at the moment I'm not intending to.

You may find this is something he is very used to and he won’t even approach you to ask why, he may be a vile rapist, but probably not an idiot, he won’t need telling why you have made the decision you have.
I do hope this event goes ok for you OP. I would not however, as a PP said, go around telling the others there what you know.

I think he's bound to approach and ask why the ghosting if I haven't responded to him by then which at the moment I'm not intending to

Fingers crossed for you that he's not quite that brazen; with a background like this, I'd hope he'd at least wonder about the reason for your reluctance and leave well alone

Since you've decided to tell your DH about this, maybe he might want to step in if there's any such approach? Naturally I'm not suggesting you need him to speak for you - just that it might deflect an unfortunate scene

Could it possibly be the woman who was raped who contacted you? Do you think it's possible you know her or she knows of you at least? I realise it's not very likely if he's moved to a different area but it's the first thing that came to my mind.

The thought did cross my mind that it was the woman he'd assaulted or at least somebody very close to her, perhaps a relative or good friend.

The message was fairly short and to the point and they did say they didn't want to discuss but felt I should know who I'm dealing with.

I didn't want to press them just incase.

Morally, no I couldn't stay friends with a sex offender. I think you do owe him an explanation however.

Not everyone wants to report things to the police either. Totally their choice. Or if they do it gets no crimed. I know of 3 friends and family members who were abused as children and none of them ever reported it to the police. Their abusers got to live out their lives as respected pillars of community.

I didn't report my rape, as I know the chances of him being punished are very low, but the chances of me being treat as if I have done something wrong are high. Also I had one alcoholic drink that night. Which would be used against me. I was not a virgin prior to the rape so that would go against me as apparently prior (consenting) sex lives are a matter of importance when a woman is raped) lives are of utmost importance and if you have ever had sex in the position you were raped, this proves it isn't rape :hmm: ). He injured me quite badly which would be physical proof (lots of brusing and a smam tear downstirs too) however this would be epxlained away as 'BDSM', she consented. I would be cross examined in court, probably more harshly than him, And a load of other reasons tbh.

Oh, I also was not wearing granny knickers at the time so my underwear would also say I consented when it was held up in court. As a woman wearing anything other than a fucking chastity belt means they want sex with every man in the world.

Police still tell a raped woman ‘You can’t expect anyone to believe a girl like you.’ I hoped that attitude had been stamped out by now.

Op l would never speak or have any contact with a sex offender.

I would simply text him, and tell him l know what he is, and l wish never to be contacted again, and for him to never aproach me or DH in public.......or l will say loudly why.

I think you do owe him an explanation however.

She owes him nothing.

I think you do owe him an explanation however.

Good grief. She owes him absolutely nothing. He's a rapist and a manipulative liar. No-one owes him a damn thing.

My uncle is friends with a man who is in prison for paedophilia. He will never be released from jail according to my uncle. This guy recently gave my uncle £40k because he will never need it himself.

Personally I cannot imagine being friends with a convicted paedophile and I have little time or respect for my uncle. I know this is quite judgemental but I think paedophilia is wicked and unforgivable.

I have a friend that got into a relationship with a 18 year old. It later came out she was 15. The girl admitted she'd lied about her age, had pursued him, had a fake ID and consented to the sex. But the mother wanted him charged, so now he's on the register as a rapist and paedo. He genuinely thought she was older. He lost his job and home, lost his friends and can't see his nieces and nephews unsupervised. He was also in an up and coming band touring with some very big names, but that's all over now. His mother has tried to commit suicide over the stress.

So there are exceptions, but they are incredibly rare.

Not in a fucking New York minute would I remain friends with someone like that.

How old was your friend at the time whohaa ?

It is not rape to have consensual intercourses with a 15 year old. If he was convicted of rape that was because of consent, not her age.

He was 25, believed her when she said she was 18. To be fair to him, she was out drinking every evening in bars, why would he assume any different. She admitted to the police that she'd consented but the mother wouldn't have it.