To wonder what the hell is going on with FIL and food?

[Moodyfoodie]

Have NC'd.
Would appreciate some perspective as starting to feel I am going a bit crazy. So visiting IL's (go to visit a few times a year, with DH and 2 small DC). So as.not to drip feed, FIL and I have clashed in personality pretty much since I met DH. He is an old fashioned, women should be seen and not heard type, I was an independent career woman when I met DH.
Anyway for the past couple of years we have all got along ok, for the sake of DC. No major issues and tolerated each other I would say.
So the past couple of times we've visited, IL have made a big meal for our family and BIL and SIL. I've noticed FIL will never offer me a drink, he will pointedly ask.SIL and BIL but not me. They'll serve a small portion of food and then if there's any leftovers, twice now FIL has made a huge point of actually standing up and asking SIL and BIL if they would like more, or just putting it on their plates, whilst completely ignoring myself and DH.

Last night we got a takeaway. I ordered a dish and we generally share everything. I put a small amount on my plate and thought I'll go back in a minute. At this point BIL gets a call from SIL and decides to go home. Said our goodbyes and that was that. Goes into the kitchen to find that FIL has given entire takeaway to BIL and SIL. So nothing left. Didn't bother asking myself and DH if we'd finished. I am not greedy but we'd had a small.plate each.

For context when they visit us I'll make them meals from scratch and offer drinks etc. as I think it's the polite thing to do if you've got guests.

They're cooking tonight and I'm honestly considering going to the local Mcdonalds, rather than sit there whilst FIL makes a big point of pointedly offering food and drink to everyone else. DH says he just 'doesn't think' but I feel like there is more to it. He's begging me not to go as it will cause an atmosphere but I feel FIL is doing that anyway, I feel quite unwelcome.

Understand this might sound petty and there.are bigger problems.in the world but really would appreciate some perspective.

My mother-in-law was deliberately and pointedly rude to me when I was having dinner at her house, I think it was about 6 years ago
I have not set eyes on her since

You are a witchy ballbreaker and your DH is a wussy failure for having married you, instead of a proper woman like SIL, so he is punished by continuing to be treated as a child, while BIL is rewarded for being a proper man with a proper wife.

Yes!!!

Uh huh. There are many 'FILs' about. Especially in old-geezers' golf clubs.

I just meant that 'the pub landlord' character is not at all posh, so might not compare directly to FIL. It's all the 'behaviour suitable for a laydee' schtick that seems to resonate.

Perhaps this is just a massive DH problem but I am trapped. If I even hint about splitting he again becomes extremely emotional and I feel sick with guilt.

I’m afraid he sounds very manipulative, OP.

Brilliant idea

So DH doesn't want FIL upset, he doesn't want himself upset, but he sure as hell doesn't care if you're upset, does he? What does that say, I wonder?

"I am at a loss. Perhaps this is just a massive DH problem but I am trapped. If I even hint about splitting he again becomes extremely emotional and I feel sick with guilt."
Does this mean you and your husband HAVE discussed splitting up before? And did he get extremely emotional at the thought of losing you, or the thought of telling his father that you'd split up and listening to the inevitable 'what do you expect when you marry such a woman'?

Interesting that he can make you feel guilty at just thinking about something he doesn't want. This is what FIL does to your husband.

But maybe consider Myimaginarycathasfleas point -
"Your DH seems to be using emotional blackmail to stop you doing what you want to do. This is as controlling as your FIL's behaviour and you need to steel yourself against it. It isn't a good example for your DC."

He's effectively subcontracted his father's bullying onto you. Because if his dad's having a go at you, he can't be having a go at him .

So DH doesn't want FIL upset, he doesn't want himself upset, but he sure as hell doesn't care if you're upset, does he? What does that say, I wonder?

Exactly the question I've asked myself. I'm not sure if he is just terrified of FIL or no longer gives a shit about me

That's so sad.

I'm not sure if he is just terrified of FIL or no longer gives a shit about me

Why not ask him this? And tell him if it's the latter then he can hyperventilate himself into a stupour, but we're definitely going to be having a very long and thorough conversation about where we go from here, looking at all options including separation, when he regains consciousness.

I do find it very difficult in my family where I am the one person who has not fully co-operated in the family lies - even though I continue to visit my mother and see my older brother.

There is a sense of loss and of grief.

Obviously I value my partner, my stepchildren and my daughter. I have a new family and they are my priority. But you cannot stop wanting to be loved by your birth family. I can understand why that need destroys some people. They would rather live a lie then live with the knowledge that their parents are not decent loving people.

This set up does sound rude but, you are a strong woman by the sound of things. Fil treats you as others let him. Don’t want for your dh, do you need his permission to defend yourself? Just assume offers include you, “I’d love some fil, thanks” he will make a tit of himself refusing,

Next time let you husband go on his own! I'd stay behind and take photos, and send to your husband, of all nice things you are eating whilst on your own!

Agree with you

Next time FIL 'forgets' you or 'doesn't think' - do call him out on it and add a comment (with look of sympathy) about how your DH often remarks on his forgetfulness these days.

So DH doesn't want FIL upset, he doesn't want himself upset, but he sure as hell doesn't care if you're upset, does he? What does that say, I wonder?

DH always took the path of least resistance and that meant never standing up for me. Took me years to see he did it every time in every situation.The PIL one stood out more as that was his family. Is he like this at other times too- or is it just this?

A man who marries is supposed to have his wife's back all the time. His wife and his children are supposed to carry far greater weight with him than his past family. He is no man, he is not worthy of you as he puts you last every single time, and the wishes of a repugnant bully first every single time. Just think of what message he is giving to your children. If you have a daughter, he is teaching his daughter that a woman, a wife, a mother should be disrespected and their wishes come last and they should tolerate being bullied and abused and not stood up for. If you have a son, he is teaching your son to treat the mother of his children like shit.

Show him this thread. He really needs to see how weak a husband and father he is. He should be ashamed of himself.

Are you back home now? Have you discussed this with your DH?

Ideally he would agree that there is an issue, and you would jointly agree a plan of action. My starting point would be you and the kids not visiting them again. Is FIL worse when he is on his turf?

Family relationships build up over years. And for DCs it's hard to see things differently than what became the norm in the home. Also children are seldom privy to honest or angry adults views. So they form ideas from the little they see.
So I doubt DH can instantly see things from your perspective, but given time he can change. And who would DFIL model his behaviour on, what were DHs DGPs like, probably the same. Which to them is 'normal'.

And I would call FIL out in front of everybody - very pleasantly ask 'Jim why have you given me so little'. Keep it simple be pleasant. Looking foolish will probably be enough to stop it.

I don't think bullies stop bullying when challenged - even if the challenge is done in a simple inoffensive way. They can't cope and find a way to ratchet up the abuse. They turn it round, believing it is they who have been abused.

At least, this is my (sad) experience.

Oh my! That is rotten and toxic behaviour. I would be really cautious about exposing my children to that kind of bad behaviour.
I would seriously consider reducing or eliminating visits, or making them very short drop in visits not going for dinner and staying over visits.
Maybe suggest your husband visits them alone?

I told DH I had posted on here. I have been trying to get onto MN all day but site was down..just realised why. It was blocked on the Wi-Fi!! Just switched to 4G and it's here again. So not entirely sure what's happened but DH not happy that I've told people, albeit strangers to us. I on the other hand still feel liberated.

We're basically not discussing it at the moment BUT we are talking on a deeper level so making some progress.

OP, that's controlling as fuck. How do you feel about it?

I think it's just a reaction. We're talking more thoroughly than we have for a long time and that to me is progress from where we were. Just glad I can MN again!!