To wonder what the hell is going on with FIL and food?

[Moodyfoodie]

Have NC'd.
Would appreciate some perspective as starting to feel I am going a bit crazy. So visiting IL's (go to visit a few times a year, with DH and 2 small DC). So as.not to drip feed, FIL and I have clashed in personality pretty much since I met DH. He is an old fashioned, women should be seen and not heard type, I was an independent career woman when I met DH.
Anyway for the past couple of years we have all got along ok, for the sake of DC. No major issues and tolerated each other I would say.
So the past couple of times we've visited, IL have made a big meal for our family and BIL and SIL. I've noticed FIL will never offer me a drink, he will pointedly ask.SIL and BIL but not me. They'll serve a small portion of food and then if there's any leftovers, twice now FIL has made a huge point of actually standing up and asking SIL and BIL if they would like more, or just putting it on their plates, whilst completely ignoring myself and DH.

Last night we got a takeaway. I ordered a dish and we generally share everything. I put a small amount on my plate and thought I'll go back in a minute. At this point BIL gets a call from SIL and decides to go home. Said our goodbyes and that was that. Goes into the kitchen to find that FIL has given entire takeaway to BIL and SIL. So nothing left. Didn't bother asking myself and DH if we'd finished. I am not greedy but we'd had a small.plate each.

For context when they visit us I'll make them meals from scratch and offer drinks etc. as I think it's the polite thing to do if you've got guests.

They're cooking tonight and I'm honestly considering going to the local Mcdonalds, rather than sit there whilst FIL makes a big point of pointedly offering food and drink to everyone else. DH says he just 'doesn't think' but I feel like there is more to it. He's begging me not to go as it will cause an atmosphere but I feel FIL is doing that anyway, I feel quite unwelcome.

Understand this might sound petty and there.are bigger problems.in the world but really would appreciate some perspective.

I woofing consider people would need seconds to be fair so would send the leftovers to someone who hadn't eaten.

It sounds to me as if SIL may not really be quiet, but may be refusing to talk when he is there. It sounds like a defence mechanism. It is possible to bully several people at the same time! By sending food to her, he is probably forcing something on her that she doesn't want.

Do you ever see SIL alone?

It's interesting how varied the tactics suggested are, from being extra nice, to calling his bluff, to going nc.

Personally, if I know someone is using a situation to bully or otherwise undermine me, I make sure I don't put myself in the situation again. I might try the other tactics (acting as if he did ask you etc) once, but if that didn't work or still left me feeing bullied, I would make sure the situation didn't arise, perhaps just by avoiding meals with him.

Imo it would be wrong to stop visiting because of how you are being treated but still send your young DC. Perhaps go but take your DC out at meal times or have a reason to make yourselves an earlier meal.

On the DH situation, it's fine to feel sympathy for his issues with FIL, but not to the point that you let yourself be bullied.

Very difficult situation. You have my sympathy OP.

Your DH seems to be using emotional blackmail to stop you doing what you want to do. This is as controlling as your FIL's behaviour and you need to steel yourself against it. It isn't a good example for your DC. You have my heartfelt sympathies.

Has your DH explained how 'not thinking' could lead to consistently leaving you out?

It seems to me that 'not thinking' would either result in not offering anyone anything, or offering everyone things they mightn't want, on autpilot.

Yours thinks to offer things. He consistently misses you out, never BIL and SIL. Chance does not explain this.

I'd be asking for your DH's logical evidence for his position on 'not thinking'.

Obviously your DH is in an awful position. He's been bullied and suppressed all his life and doesn't want to admit this and face how it makes him feel about himself.

But the pp who said you can only continue to sympathise with that as far as it doesn't have a negative impact on you, is right. Your DH is complicit in passing on the bullying to you - he is bullying you.

I think you need to address it initially in terms of behaviour and actions, not people or personalities, for your DH to be able to process the issue. So 'is it ok to do this?' 'No, so what are we going to do to ensure this doesn't happen and everyone gets dinner and drinks?'

Your DH needs counselling though. You could suggest / insist upon couples counselling because his FOG is causing such problems for you and your relationship. Take it from there.

I can see that the OP may wish to accompany her children to visit the inlaws, because her husband cannot be trusted to protect them.

Having been brought up in a dysfunctional set up, I found it became more possible to see some of the flaws in my father - simply because I knew I would never behave that way to my own child. So I suppose it would be interesting if the OP could ask her husband about his experience of fatherhood had made him think about being a Dad? What does he want to copy? What could be done differently? And also what would it be like to see less of his own father? Does he enjoy the visits? What does he get out of them?

I've been aware of similar underhand unfairness to DCs. Cheery welcoming tone of voice to DC1, the more amenable one, on his arrival, an 'oh no not you again' tone of voice with the more sparky one. Making it clear to second DC that they don't much care for them, pa nastiness, very hard to pull someone up on a tone of voice though, so don't assume DFIL will be equally behaved to DCs.

i think you should make more of an effort with SIL. you say she doesnt talk but may be you should sit with her and encourage her.

The father-in-law sounds tiring, high maintenance drama queen

Let your DH see them on his own, without the DC - don't let your FIL mess them up like he did their dad

Seems to me that this is him demonstrating controlling behaviour and being very clumsy with it.

You mention that he has an old-fashioned (ie: backward) attitude towards women. Now there's a big fat clue....whatever, he has some social/psychological issues as regards family that make him prickly.

Do you know if he's remotely like this with neighbours, colleagues, etc?

When you go round theirs for a meal, do you bring anything with you? ( like wine or pudding)

He's upset but the thought of me rocking the boat with FIL and blames me for not seeing that FIL just 'doesn't think

If he “doesn’t think” then that at some point would affect everyone.

His not thinking only seems to affect you which doesn’t sound at all like not thinking it sounds like targeting.

Why does he never think about BIL and SIL and only offer you and dh seconds, why was he so quick to give all of the takeaway to BIL without asking if everyone had finished.

I don’t see the reason why your dc have to see their gps. Children can grow up without gps it doesn’t really affect them.

I'm worried about SIL too. I'm guessing she is married to your DH's brother and so her DH has been brought up by FIL.

What kind of man thinks his wife is wonderful because she runs him a bath?

I'd like to think if my DH was listing my wonderful qualities he would come up with something a bit more inspiring.

My point is that it doesn't sound like either FIL or BIL value your SIL for who she is. Poor woman.

Do you know if he's remotely like this with neighbours, colleagues, etc?

I have wondered this. He is involved in a sport and has a group of all men that he does this with. It's not a team sport and I'd love to be a fly on the wall. My own father spent time with him in a group of men and said he swore a lot, fucking this and that.

Not long after I met DH he went MENTAL when I used the word crap and said 'oi, he's not used to that!' meaning DH.

God, he's a prick isn't he.

What kind of man thinks his wife is wonderful because she runs him a bath?

I think he made a big deal out of this as he knows it's behaviour which would impress FIL.

It's all about putting you in your place and policing your behaviour, making sure you understand that as a woman you have fewer privileges and must defer to the men

Yes but laydeez shouldn't swear, obviously! So very course and nasty.

Is it golf?

He sounds like a (possibly posher version of) Al Murray's pub landlord, "and a glass of wine for the laydeee".

Going mental at his son's girlfriend when he's only just met her, what appalling behaviour!
it sounds like he's some sort of 'loose cannon' person who everyone tiptoes around for fear of upsetting him, it's a way of controlling everyone.... making everyone dance to his tune

PILs same here with me. Taking food off my plate to give to SIL or BIL - because they'd never cook enough. etc Along with a whole load of other PA shit. FIL would never eat what I'd cooked for them despite me accommodating his limited tastes. DH said nothing. So after 17 years - I decided to opt out. Just didn't bother with them any more unless I had to. No visits, no meals no nothing. Didn't offer them an explanation so no drama If you complain you'll be labelled difficult so you just don't bother. Honestly, your life will be easier and a weight lifted from your shoulders. I'm a chronic people pleaser that's why it took me so long and the sky didn't fall on anyone's head.

You are a witchy ballbreaker and your DH is a wussy failure for having married you, instead of a proper woman like SIL, so he is punished by continuing to be treated as a child, while BIL is rewarded for being a proper man with a proper wife.

Does that sound right?

Your DH could eventually benefit from recognising that he is being stereotyped, bullied and sidelined too. Does this carry over into different treatment of your and BIL's DCs, yet?

Does DH ever do the hobby with him? Does BIL?

Is it golf?

Yes!

He isn't posh though, he would resent being called that I think.

This is so liberating. The only people I've discussed his behaviour with are MIL, BIL and of course DH. Of course they are all dancing to the old pricks tune!!