Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder about silent treatment

162 replies

astrologicalzoo · 20/04/2019 23:07

Tonight I was out for dinner with my husband and two children.

Eldest DC’s ice cream arrived with about a million smarties, some marshmallows and strawberry laces. Dc took forever to place everything on just so. So long in fact that I’d finished dessert and they’d not even started eating it. I asked them to stop playing around with it and eat it.

My husband responded angrily to let them eat it at their own pace and not rush them and I was only on at them because I’d finished me. Baby is getting grisly in the background and I told him that my dessert had nothing to do with it. I just didn’t want to wait on DC faffing while baby is getting restless and tearful.

He’s not spoken to me the rest of the night Confused and I mean has refused to speak to me.

I told him earlier that if he thinks silent treatment is some sort of punishment then he’s barking up the wrong tree. I’m by no means weak willed btw and I will always stand up for myself.

But silent treatment seems to be what he does. I’ve told him many times that if he wanted a wife who apologised at every turn for no reason or just backed down to keep him happy then he married the wrong woman. That being said, I am not argumentative - I just stand up for myself 🤷🏻‍♀️

I feel like it’s quite an abusive tactic but I’m not sure if I’m over dramatising it. Is it abusive?

OP posts:
geekone · 20/04/2019 23:13

YWBU to expect DC to rush ice cream because you were finished or baby was grizzly. Half the fun is placing on the smarties.

Your DH is annoyed because he disagreed and you argued, he probably thinks it’s better to not have a fight in front of your kids. Huffing is a thing, it’s a way of showing annoyance without arguing or being cruel.

geekone · 20/04/2019 23:13

Oh and No it’s not abusive it’s the opposite.

Original poster
astrologicalzoo · 20/04/2019 23:17

@geekone

Really? You’d sit for 15 minutes with a baby crying in a restaurant while the other child places smarties on ice cream without asking them to start eating it?

OP posts:
senbei · 20/04/2019 23:21

I'd say it's more childish than abusive. I mean, way back in secondary school, this was exactly what I would do to my parents whenever I didn't get what I wanted!

Thankssomuch · 20/04/2019 23:23

Leaving aside the argument about ice cream. I can offer an insight as to the silent treatment, because ( not now) but in the past I’ve been guilty of dishing it out - and I’m not proud of that. I recognise it as passive aggressive behaviour and it’s really not effective in bringing about a resolve. What I will say is that I did this on more than one occasion because I was so cross/hurt/angry that I didn’t feel I could get this across in the space of one disagreement which (he) then forgot about and carried on as if nothing had happened. It took - takes - a long time for me to process really hurtful actions or comments and I find it difficult to carry on as if it hasn’t happened. I am not excusing it but this is my experience, if that is of any help(!)

itsbetterthanabox · 20/04/2019 23:23

I agree op.
Silent treatment is controlling and passive aggressive.
There's nothing wrong with telling the kids to eat the food and even if there were then ignoring you for hours is ridiculous.

Thankssomuch · 20/04/2019 23:25

Having said all that it’s hard to equate that reaction to an ice cream/smarties situation.

Rottencooking · 20/04/2019 23:25

Yanbu, I doubt anyone would actually sit there watching them faff for that long without making a comment...

OwnerOfThatChocolateBar · 20/04/2019 23:27

I just can't get my head around people that fling the word abusive around. No, silent treatment is not abusive, it's childish

Original poster
astrologicalzoo · 20/04/2019 23:29

@Thankssomuch this is what baffles me. Tonight I was firm with my husband that 15 minutes of faffing with ice cream was ridiculous. It was melting! I was in no way hurtful or rude to him just firm and didn’t back down.

OP posts:
Whisky2014 · 20/04/2019 23:30

Actually, silent treatment is abusive

OwnerOfThatChocolateBar · 20/04/2019 23:32

@Whisky2014 oh your one of them Hmm

Original poster
astrologicalzoo · 20/04/2019 23:33

@OwnerOfThatChocateBar

I think it is abusive because it is manipulative and, certainly in my case, creates uncertainty about how long this silence will last. It’s like he’s deliberately trying (and failing) to make me uncomfortable and doubt with my decisions or actions. I always feel like he thinks he has some power when he starts the silent treatment and that I’ll be worried which I was at the start. Now I just enjoy the peace.

OP posts:
Thankssomuch · 20/04/2019 23:34

In that case, astrological are you sure there wasn’t something else he was angry about? The ice cream dispute didn’t warrant that reaction?

Greensleeves · 20/04/2019 23:34

I think the silent treatment/stonewalling can be abusive, if it's done to control or intimidate. It depends on the relationship. It's certainly shitty and juvenile.

In your case, I'd say you're just stronger than he is and he doesn't like it. He wants more control over you than he's been able to get. Tosser.

HomeMadeMadness · 20/04/2019 23:35

I tend to agree with DH that placing the toppings on is half the fun so I wouldn't have rushed the kids BUT he is being incredibly childish to go silent on you. Unless you've grossly misrepresented what happened it sounded like a minor exchange of words about almost nothing. Completely ridiculous behaviour to kick up such a fuss about it!

Singlenotsingle · 20/04/2019 23:37

Play him at his own game? Don't bother trying to jolly him out of it, just let him get on with it.

Original poster
astrologicalzoo · 20/04/2019 23:38

@Thankssomuch

Honestly if there was then I’m unaware of what it could be.

@HomeMadeMadness I agree it’s half the fun but 15 minutes in with a crying tired baby in a melting hot restaurant with ice cream that’s turning into a smartie soup I was just about ready to leave Grin

OP posts:
Whisky2014 · 20/04/2019 23:39

OwnerOfThatChocolateBar you're not dim enough to think abuse is only physical, are you?

buttyblahblah · 20/04/2019 23:41

My DH used to do this. Passive aggressive silences for up to 3 weeks for some imagined slight. I ended up walking on eggshells, scared to mention anything, no matter how innocuous, in case it set him off.

It can definitely be abusive.

comedycentral · 20/04/2019 23:45

YANBU about the ice cream. It was roasting today so it would have been almost melted after 15 mins.

What's he normally like? Silent treatment is awful.

Original poster
astrologicalzoo · 20/04/2019 23:45

@buttyblahblah are you still married to him? If so, how did you get him to stop?

OP posts:
GreytExpectations · 20/04/2019 23:47

I’ve told him many times that if he wanted a wife who apologised at every turn for no reason or just backed down to keep him happy then he married the wrong woman. That being said, I am not argumentative - I just stand up for myself

Wow. Imagine if a man said this? Ironically, you do sound argumentative. He disagreed with your opinion on the ice cream and you disregarded that. Im guessing he feels like his opinion in the family doesnt matter if thats the attitude you normally have.

Oh and no, the silent treatment is not abusive- its just childish. Although, im guessing your dh finds it difficult to talk to you so him being silent towards you is an avoidance technique.

scaryteacher · 20/04/2019 23:47

Owner I had it done to me at work by the team I worked with for a fair few weeks. I wasn't going to give them the pleasure of my resignation though. Not pleasant, and I did have to force myself to go in.

Original poster
astrologicalzoo · 20/04/2019 23:52

@Greytexpectations

We have been together for many years and yes I have been annoyed with him on many occasions when he’s expected me to back down on an issue, point or opinion and I’ve told him I won’t. He’s free to stand his ground much like I’m free to stand mine.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread