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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder about silent treatment

162 replies

astrologicalzoo · 20/04/2019 23:07

Tonight I was out for dinner with my husband and two children.

Eldest DC’s ice cream arrived with about a million smarties, some marshmallows and strawberry laces. Dc took forever to place everything on just so. So long in fact that I’d finished dessert and they’d not even started eating it. I asked them to stop playing around with it and eat it.

My husband responded angrily to let them eat it at their own pace and not rush them and I was only on at them because I’d finished me. Baby is getting grisly in the background and I told him that my dessert had nothing to do with it. I just didn’t want to wait on DC faffing while baby is getting restless and tearful.

He’s not spoken to me the rest of the night Confused and I mean has refused to speak to me.

I told him earlier that if he thinks silent treatment is some sort of punishment then he’s barking up the wrong tree. I’m by no means weak willed btw and I will always stand up for myself.

But silent treatment seems to be what he does. I’ve told him many times that if he wanted a wife who apologised at every turn for no reason or just backed down to keep him happy then he married the wrong woman. That being said, I am not argumentative - I just stand up for myself 🤷🏻‍♀️

I feel like it’s quite an abusive tactic but I’m not sure if I’m over dramatising it. Is it abusive?

OP posts:
Scarcelyburnt · 21/04/2019 17:32

But OP you clearly want things done your way and your DH and children fall in line with your timing. Yet you call your DH controlling?

Scarcelyburnt · 21/04/2019 17:42

The OP paints herself as this calm person just standing up for herself. However, I'd respond angrily and would be utterly fed up with someone who repeatedly imposed themselves on me and the children. Deciding how quickly we should eat and who knows what else before that incidence. I'd give the silent treatment to contain my rage and fed-upness.

You DH has a right to withdraw from you and rake a break if he finds you overbearing. You sound overbearing.

If you're not happy with him. If you think he is manipulative and not behaving how you want him to behave, then leave him. Let him get on with his life and you with yours.

BoneyBackJefferson · 21/04/2019 17:49

astrologicalzoo

From what you put you didn't ask your child "to hurry up" you told them off. Your DH defended his child. YWBU

There were other ways that this could have been dealt with.

But I get the feeling that you are both as bad as one another.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 21/04/2019 17:49

So you think the Op was being abusive to the children and the poor DH has no choice but to sulk and be silent as he “just daren’t say anything”? Good grief

No, I don't. Your comprehension of my post says it all.

I think you must be the DH.

Nope.

Sharptic · 21/04/2019 17:57

DH used to do this to me, it hurt at first. I do agree it's a form of abuse.

After he'd done it a few times I showed no reaction or apology, just carrying on as normal. It didn't actually bother me I just made it into a positive and enjoyed the peace, but I am quite intoverted.

He noticed that the silent treatment was not effective on me at all and he never does it now.

BoneyBackJefferson · 21/04/2019 17:58

OP, tell him to fuck off out and to come back when he's over himself. He's a childish, pathetic child who doesn't have the emotional maturity to deal with his emotions like an adult.

Love this response, any thread that had a man that told his partner to do this and she would be told top LTB.

OldAndWornOut · 21/04/2019 17:59

I think its reasonable to ensure that a family trip out isn't dominated by by one or two members.
That's not the parent wanting their own way, its the parent ensuring that everyone has a reasonable time.

gamerchick · 21/04/2019 18:14

Love this response, any thread that had a man that told his partner to do this and she would be told top LTB

I'd say exactly the same to any man who was putting up with a sulker.

BoneyBackJefferson · 21/04/2019 18:16

gamerchick

Good to know, but I'm fairly sure that there is a back story to this, but even then there are the three truths.

TooManyPaws · 21/04/2019 18:24

@greenoliveorblackolive Snap with my father! He would give my mother the silent treatment for weeks. She would be upset but ignore him and go out with friends. We certainly walked on eggshells constantly. With me, his speciality was to verbally abuse me quietly in public until I ran to the loo in tears then abuse me in the car for 'making a scene'.

Absolutely a part of and pattern of emotional abuse which affects every member of the family.

Original poster
astrologicalzoo · 21/04/2019 18:33

@Scarcelyburnt

Hardly Confused

OP posts:
Scarcelyburnt · 21/04/2019 19:10

Astrologicalzoo, you sound overbearing, at least to me. I'd stand up for my kids if my DH was hurrying them along because he felt inconvenienced. Yes, the baby was crying and needed attending to but that does not give you the right to trod on everyone else because you wanted to get on with it. I'm sure there were other less aggressive solutions.

In your eyes you think you were perfectly reasonable but consider that you might not have been. For your DH to have stepped in to shield the kids from your unreasonable telling off tells me that this is not a one-off for you. You expect others to obey your whims and fancies and then you turn round and call your DH manipulative when he wishes to have some mental space.

Personally, if my family and I were having a day out together and my DH sought to ruin the experience by telling the kids off for not eating at the pace he thinks is right, I'd be very angry and would give him the silent treatment. I'd even question whether I ever wanted to go out with him for a meal with the kids.

TowelNumber42 · 21/04/2019 19:16

When you say you've had the silent treatment since dessert-gate, what do you mean? What have the interactions been?

I can't imagine no talking as we try to get home from a restaurant with tired small children then do bath, bed, get organised for tomorrow etc. Ditto next morning. What happened in your house?

How999 · 21/04/2019 19:34

HowYup to the not believing your own experience too. It's a complete mind fuck and takes ages to recover but oh the relief when you see clearly what happened. Hope you're getting your revenge by being happy now.

@TurboTeddy - I am trying but everything has left a lot of scarring and it’s hard. And the silence from ex continues as he never responds to a logistical text I might send him about the dc. Plus the fact that he got together with someone new literally days after it was clear we would be getting divorced, and while we were forced to be in the same house for several months, has left a lot of hurt. He is also massively back in touch with his ex wife (I have wondered whether she is the person he got together with) after years of either not talking about her at all, or only in very unpleasant terms.

And the divorce itself was very unpleasant Sad.

I don’t know how you do get over all of that.

Plus I miss the things I liked about him and even though I instigated the divorce, I feel so rejected by his behaviour during the years before that. I feel like there must be something wrong with me.

AvengersAssemble · 21/04/2019 19:41

My Ex still uses silent treatment now even against his kids in a way of hoping I will back down and kiss his arse like he expects. I hate it more so when he can treat his 7 year old the same way. Nothing gets resolved and everything is just toxic.

EnglishRose13 · 21/04/2019 20:11

My friends parents both gave each other the silent treatment for literally months. It's a bizarre way to behave. It's not healthy and I don't understand why they're still together.

Is he talking to you yet?

CheshireChat · 21/04/2019 20:17

Actually if he wanted to let the older kids mess about with their ice creams, then he should've tried pacifying the baby, not expected the OP to do all the work.

senbei · 21/04/2019 21:07

My friends parents both gave each other the silent treatment for literally months.

???????????

Do they live in the same house/same room?

Original poster
astrologicalzoo · 21/04/2019 21:32

@scarcelyburnt

Would you not ask your child to start eating after 15 of watching them place smarties on ice cream?

I tried speaking to him last night about various things and he stared at his phone and ignored me. Today I’ve been up early out in the garden mowing the lawn that he was meant to help with, running errands and he just refused to speak to me.

To be honest I have started to enjoy the peace.

This is honestly all from me asking DC to start eating their ice cream and him getting angry about it.

OP posts:
Scarcelyburnt · 21/04/2019 21:49

Sorry Astrologicalzoo. You're completely in the right, you're being manipulated and abused. Is that what you want to hear?

I don't believe for a second that the kids took 15mins arranging the smarties. Enough of your exaggeration. However, if you think your kids and your DH were all unreasonable and you're completely in the right, then good luck with that outlook.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 21/04/2019 21:51

This is honestly all from me asking DC to start eating their ice cream and him getting angry about it.

There are problems that run deep between you both and he dare not address them. It's just easier to say nothing.

Original poster
astrologicalzoo · 21/04/2019 22:01

@Scarcelyburnt ok so in addition to everything else you’ve said, I’m now a liar?and no I don’t think I’m being abused or manipulated but I do think the behaviour can be construed as abusive and manipulative.

OP posts:
Scarcelyburnt · 21/04/2019 22:09

I said I believe the 15mins is an exaggeration. If you want to take this in a blunt way and say I'm calling you a liar, that's entirely your choice.

You're right. Your DH's behaviour could be construed as abusive or manipulative. So context matters. From the brief story you've given, I wonder whether your behaviour may equally be construed as abusive and manipulative.

Iggly · 21/04/2019 22:12

Has your dh been annoyed about other things? It just seems a bit off to get silent treatment for something relatively minor.

What did you mean by what you said up thread about standing up for yourself etc? What are your interactions like when it comes to disagreements about the Dcs? Do you respect each other’s views?