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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder about silent treatment

162 replies

astrologicalzoo · 20/04/2019 23:07

Tonight I was out for dinner with my husband and two children.

Eldest DC’s ice cream arrived with about a million smarties, some marshmallows and strawberry laces. Dc took forever to place everything on just so. So long in fact that I’d finished dessert and they’d not even started eating it. I asked them to stop playing around with it and eat it.

My husband responded angrily to let them eat it at their own pace and not rush them and I was only on at them because I’d finished me. Baby is getting grisly in the background and I told him that my dessert had nothing to do with it. I just didn’t want to wait on DC faffing while baby is getting restless and tearful.

He’s not spoken to me the rest of the night Confused and I mean has refused to speak to me.

I told him earlier that if he thinks silent treatment is some sort of punishment then he’s barking up the wrong tree. I’m by no means weak willed btw and I will always stand up for myself.

But silent treatment seems to be what he does. I’ve told him many times that if he wanted a wife who apologised at every turn for no reason or just backed down to keep him happy then he married the wrong woman. That being said, I am not argumentative - I just stand up for myself 🤷🏻‍♀️

I feel like it’s quite an abusive tactic but I’m not sure if I’m over dramatising it. Is it abusive?

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 21/04/2019 08:32

Sounds a bit like poor planning. What time did you go for dinner? Were you trying to rush to get home to put baby to bed? Agree that silent treatment is just silly though.

Lovestruk · 21/04/2019 08:58

Hi I am familiar with this, my boyfriend is giving me the silent treatment as we speak so I have decided to finish this relationship and now he can have all the time he wants. It's not the first time and if I let it continue won't be the last. What happened with the dessert sounds minor and btw you too sound a little controlling but In a extrovert way where as he sounds intreveted. Does it happen often that he acts in this way? It's a control thing in my instance and has happened with big and small situations but it's not acceptable. If someone need time and space they need to tell you and not to punish you with anger and passive aggressive cold shoulder for something you have done that annoyed them unintentionally. Someone above said and I agree he sounds like a tosser, who wants you to be submissive and not question him, how dare you disagree or have your own opinion or speak your mind and in public omg what a bitch. If you are like me and you sound it you don't like to be controlled and will always be honest and upfront which I believe is the only way to be. What I've found is not everyone can't handle this. Some ppl are not for each other not matter how much we will it. It's not abuse but will more than likely continue if you let it. Good luck astrologicalzoo x sometimes it's better to be kind than right and that includes to yourself xxx

Tessywoooooo · 21/04/2019 09:30

It’s the ‘responded angrily’ that concerns me more. How did that (and the silent treatment) make you feel?

TurboTeddy · 21/04/2019 09:49

Tiny that was my husband's record! He's now my ex, it's no way to live. It is emotionally abusive and you really don't have to put up with it. I wish you all the best.

Whisky2014 · 21/04/2019 10:00

Tinysarah1985 why not end the marriage? I couldn't put up with that

snowbear66 · 21/04/2019 10:33

I think you were right, there is a point where you have to move things along and you had the baby’s interests to think of.
Even if he disagreed with the timing no need to bring the whole day down for everybody.

Tinysarah1985 · 21/04/2019 11:44

@whisky2014 and @turboteddy I am seriously considering it- not going to be easy at all. Going to see solicitor week after next as there are other issues aswell

ElinorRigby · 21/04/2019 11:51

I think too much playing with one's food is ridiculous.

I'd much rather go somewhere where there was decent icecream - not loads of sweetened E-numbered rubbish. If there is lots of rubbish then 5 minutes is the total maximum.

Fine dining is something you might linger over. A 'family restaurant' is about getting fed reasonably quickly then getting home in order to start putting the smallest one to bed.

senbei · 21/04/2019 12:12

I'd much rather go somewhere where there was decent icecream - not loads of sweetened E-numbered rubbish.

Oh come on, this is completely tangential to the discussion at hand.

TurboTeddy · 21/04/2019 12:18

Tiny pretty sure my ex was a narcissist. I couldn't comment on yours but if anyone is considering divorcing a narc then I would suggest researching NPD so you know what you're dealing with. It will be hard but I promise life on the other side is so much better. Good luck.

Original poster
astrologicalzoo · 21/04/2019 13:15

I don’t think it’s controlling to ask your child to eat up.

Ffs. If that’s the case then everyone and their granny is controlling Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
astrologicalzoo · 21/04/2019 13:20

Btw he’s still giving me the silent treatment.

I’ve taken the kids out this morning, come back and now need to cut the grass and he’s not offered any help at all.

I cannot be bothered with it at all.

OP posts:
Dumplingfan · 21/04/2019 13:47

He sounds like an absolute twat. So pathetically childish.

gamerchick · 21/04/2019 13:55

I never get how silent treatment is abusive. If ive had an argument with someone then I dont fancy talking to them for abit. I dont think its abusive! Its called needing space

Needing space is taking yourself off and getting over yourself. Blanking someone you re around because they've pissed you off for the day is passive aggressive and emotional abuse. Do it often enough and the target becomes stressed.

Why would you want to do that to someone you love just because you like to huff and make them suffer?

gamerchick · 21/04/2019 13:56

OP, tell him to fuck off out and to come back when he's over himself. He's a childish, pathetic child who doesn't have the emotional maturity to deal with his emotions like an adult.

WhiteDust · 21/04/2019 14:00

He's pissed off. Obviously.
You finished your food and wanted to go. You could have left them at the table and taken the grisly (or full on crying? Can't tell, it changed as the thread moved on) baby for a short walk.

Your DH is probably giving you the silent treatment as he can't be bothered to argue or has realised that arguments are futile.

You seem proud of the fact that you can argue back 'stand up for yourself' Maybe he has realised that by NOT arguing with you (silent treatment) his feelings are actually heard.

YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 21/04/2019 14:18

I think it can be abusive. Especially if it was done to hurt, undermine or control you.

Also to PPs saying OP undermined him in front of DC, he undermined her first. She asked DC to hurry up and eat their ice cream (hardly an onerous or cruel request and one made by billions of parents for millennia before her) and DH contradicted her and picked an argument in front of DC. Based on the information provided, he was making a problem where none needed to exist.

At best, the silent treatment is a counterproductive way to go about a conflict and you both need better communication and conflict resolution skills.

Have you thought about counselling?

Oh and I'd have told DC to hurry up as well. Especially with a grumpy baby in tow.

snowqu33n · 21/04/2019 14:45

If he’s maintaining it overnight then he is also exposing the kids to dysfunctional behaviour at the least. How is he with the kids? Is he playing with the older one or just using this as an excuse to opt out altogether? If so, then watch for it being a strategic thing that happens coincidentally at times when you had expectations of him sharing the load.

How999 · 21/04/2019 14:57

Silent treatment definitely abusive. My ex used to keep it up for weeks and weeks and weeks, and it would only stop when I had sent him a begging email. He never discussed any issue, and I walked on eggshells. All this was a major factor in our divorce.

Original poster
astrologicalzoo · 21/04/2019 15:40

@WhiteDust

I’ve said quite a few times over the course of the thread that 15 minutes of dc carefully placing smarties on the ice cream was getting tedious. The ice cream itself was bloody enormous for a child’s portion (that’s another thread entirely) so we’d be there for another 15 minutes.

We were in a packed restaurant and baby had already been entertained and at this point it was becoming obvious the baby needed to go to bed.

OP posts:
Passthecherrycoke · 21/04/2019 15:41

Silent treatment sometimes just means you don’t want to speak to the person involved because theyve annoyed you. It doesn’t need to be anything more than that

CupcakeDrama · 21/04/2019 15:56

Why would you want to do that to someone you love just because you like to huff and make them suffer?

My ex was actually abusive, and when he used to be very nasty I wouldnt feel like speaking to him. I think thats normal actually but on here everything is abuse! It wasnt to “make him suffer” it was because I was too upset to speak to him. Passthecherrycoke sums it up perfectly!

TurboTeddy · 21/04/2019 15:59

Adults know that ignoring your SO is hurtful and immature. In situations where you need cool down time a grown up can say they feel angry, don't trust themselves not to say things that might escalate the argument so need some space. It's about being responsible for our own emotions and mindful of the consequences if we aren't. I have no patience with sulkers but can absolutely respect someone who asks for space and time to discuss an issue later with a cooler head.

gamerchick · 21/04/2019 16:00

My ex was actually abusive, and when he used to be very nasty I wouldnt feel like speaking to him. I think thats normal actually but on here everything is abuse! It wasnt to “make him suffer” it was because I was too upset to speak to him. Passthecherrycoke sums it up perfectly!

So it was an abuse relationship in general? Because adult, well adjusted relationships don't need to be passive aggressive as a way of coping. People are free to leave those types of relationships rather than find ways to cope.

Silent treatment sometimes just means you don’t want to speak to the person involved because theyve annoyed you. It doesn’t need to be anything more than that

Yes, if you're in your early teens.

gamerchick · 21/04/2019 16:01

In situations where you need cool down time a grown up can say they feel angry, don't trust themselves not to say things that might escalate the argument so need some space. It's about being responsible for our own emotions and mindful of the consequences if we aren't. I have no patience with sulkers but can absolutely respect someone who asks for space and time to discuss an issue later with a cooler head

See, grown up.