Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder about silent treatment

162 replies

astrologicalzoo · 20/04/2019 23:07

Tonight I was out for dinner with my husband and two children.

Eldest DC’s ice cream arrived with about a million smarties, some marshmallows and strawberry laces. Dc took forever to place everything on just so. So long in fact that I’d finished dessert and they’d not even started eating it. I asked them to stop playing around with it and eat it.

My husband responded angrily to let them eat it at their own pace and not rush them and I was only on at them because I’d finished me. Baby is getting grisly in the background and I told him that my dessert had nothing to do with it. I just didn’t want to wait on DC faffing while baby is getting restless and tearful.

He’s not spoken to me the rest of the night Confused and I mean has refused to speak to me.

I told him earlier that if he thinks silent treatment is some sort of punishment then he’s barking up the wrong tree. I’m by no means weak willed btw and I will always stand up for myself.

But silent treatment seems to be what he does. I’ve told him many times that if he wanted a wife who apologised at every turn for no reason or just backed down to keep him happy then he married the wrong woman. That being said, I am not argumentative - I just stand up for myself 🤷🏻‍♀️

I feel like it’s quite an abusive tactic but I’m not sure if I’m over dramatising it. Is it abusive?

OP posts:
CupcakeDrama · 21/04/2019 16:03

Well you clearly know nothing about abusive relationships if you think its as easy as “just leaving” he was never in the wrong and would never admit fault of apologise so generally it was to avoid another argument.

mimibunz · 21/04/2019 16:07

When I was a younger woman I gave silent treatment because I didn’t know how to manage my emotions. It had nothing to do with being abusive or childish or passive aggressive. As a child I wasn’t allowed to express anger and would be punished if I did, so as an adult I would get overwhelmed by anger. Chances are your DH needs help managing his emotions. Just a different perspective.

How999 · 21/04/2019 16:09

Silent treatment sometimes just means you don’t want to speak to the person involved because theyve annoyed you. It doesn’t need to be anything more than that.

For half an hour maybe.

Try being ignored for months. Deliberately and as punishment. So that I went round my daily life with a constant ache in my stomach. All the while my then husband was being as overtly affectionate to the dc as possible. And charming to other people.

gamerchick · 21/04/2019 16:10

Heh been there done that Wink

Except, obviously I learned what was healthy and unhealthy and left the unhealthy stuff at the door of the next relationship. I'm not into punishing my future because of my past and sulking is something that should never been seen as ok.

MortyVicar · 21/04/2019 16:11

I asked them to stop playing around with it and eat it.

My husband responded angrily to let them eat it at their own pace

Why did he respond so angrily? Had anything else happened that day, is he angry in general? The silent treatment, going on as long as it has, is nasty - but why couldn't he just have had a discussion with you, said calmly that he didn't agree? Was his reaction about not agreeing with you on principle, so if not the ice cream it would have been something else?

buttyblahblah · 21/04/2019 16:12

astrologicalzoo we went to couples counselling which was really counselling for him while I watched. It seems to be a family thing as his Mom and brother have done it to him since and he seems to have recognised how horrible it is.

Things still aren't great 3 years on as he has stopped the behaviour but I still don't feel I can raise any issues without it being a problem.

TurboTeddy · 21/04/2019 16:12

How99Flowers I know that feeling and it's utterly shit.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 21/04/2019 16:18

I dont know if its abusive but its certainly manipulative and controlling - it means nothing can be resolved until they decide. I totally get not wanting to argue in front of kids, or being really upset about something and needing to process it before going through it. But this was a minor disagreement about telling kids to eat their ice cream and it was him disagreeing with her not the other way around! I cant see that situation being so upsetting that someone can't speak. Also theres the 'let's discuss this later' and being civil option. It's a massive over reaction, childish and doesn't resolve anything

Have you ever spoken to him about it, why he does it and how it makes you feel?

How999 · 21/04/2019 16:21

Thanks for the flowers turboteddy - yes totally shit and if it weren’t for the fact that I know that all of that happened to me, I wouldn’t believe what I went through. Flowers for you too and for tinysarah.

lifebegins50 · 21/04/2019 16:23

Op, you made a comment, he disagreed and you further explained..I think this is about validating your feelings.An emotional mature person might have sought a compromise, suggested you take the baby out, said, give her extra 2 mins etc. He just didn't want you to have an alternative view.

To sulk is over reacting and yes he isn't handling his emotions well but as he is grown up I doubt he will change. He has to recognise that the silent treatment is wrong. What chance is there if that?

Anyone who does this is being hurtful, especially if done to your partner or children.
If you are pissed off, calmly talk about it and get insight, don't sulk or give the silent treatment..It is abusive and society has moved on so it isn't acceptable for an adult to deal with emotions like this.

If people on this thread still give their loved ones the silent treatment then they should to change their responses, especially if they are parents as they are poor role models. Conflict should be resolved and both parties need to own that. Sulking might make the sulker feel better but long term it only adds to the negative feelings as it is destructive to relationships.
If you sulk instead of talking or seeking a compromise you damage your relationships.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 21/04/2019 16:26

I suspect it had next to nothing to do with telling your children not to play with their food. (Did you know or could you have guessed how many sweets would have been on your other childrens' desserts ? Is arranging the sweets on their dessert something you sort of knew they would do ?)

I suspect it's some or all of the following in OP's DH's opinion:

  • OP giving the children the hurry up which could have soured the atmosphere. Which annoyed him.
  • OP expecting the kids to be finished their dessert at the same speed as an adult. Especially a fun dessert.
  • OP nagging the children (in his opinion) and spoiling the end of a meal which would probably been relatively expensive. (Not getting into this, it's not a thread de-rail.)
  • OP might have unwittingly embarrassed her husband in public with the above behaviour.

I suspect this is more than the silent treatment. He's fuming and/or furious with her for giving the children the hurry up with dessert. He daren't say anything, he just daren't. Which stokes the fire of every other time he's 'bitten his lip' to save a row because of her bossy, controlling and selfish behaviour.

He probably would have preferred you to try harder to settle the baby rather than give the children the hurry up with their fun dessert.

He could have done with out the implication of, 'come on kids, hurry up, I've finished and the baby want to leave too.'

By the way, was the baby planned and wanted by both of you ?

TurboTeddy · 21/04/2019 16:26

HowYup to the not believing your own experience too. It's a complete mind fuck and takes ages to recover but oh the relief when you see clearly what happened. Hope you're getting your revenge by being happy now.

AnnaSteen · 21/04/2019 16:31

I am prone to give silent treatment if I am very upset at something DH has done. I don’t know how to explain it except that I can’t actually get the words out to say what’s wrong. Actually I’m not like this just through disagreements if anything has upset me I go pretty much mute and people have to drag it out of me! My DH will now just say come on just say it etc several times and eventually I can get the words out and explain. However this has happened about 5 times in our 6 years together and the silent treatment never lasted more than half an hour before starting to talk about it. Just my perspective that there is no sulking / vindictiveness or passive aggression in it for me - it’s like the words just wont come out. The OP husband sounds a bit more extreme and for me the things were like forgetting my birthday or not buying me a Christmas present so not small little fights. (Although am feeling very bad for my DH now!!)

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 21/04/2019 16:32

If kids are playing with food for 15 min while a grizzling baby is waiting and they are showing no signs of even starting to eat, I think most parents would ask them to start eating! Obviously none of us were there, but just asking them to hurry up isn't bossy or controlling! It's a bit rude to play with food if everyone is waiting and they need to learn that

GreenOliveOrBlackOlive · 21/04/2019 16:35

I can understand having an argument and not speaking for a bit, but silent treatment when done full on is horrible.
My father still does this accompanied with hateful glares. Right though my childhood, I was well aware it was going on between my parents, sometimes it would go on for days. And he’d do it to me too.
It’s abusive alright and I have some terrible memories of it.

CupcakeDrama · 21/04/2019 16:38

Obviously silent treatment for weeks or days even does sound abusive but I dont think not wanting to talk to someone whose upset you for an hour or the night is abusive but thats very different from keeping it up for a prolonged period of time to “punish” someone.

wineandroses1 · 21/04/2019 16:46

TooEarlyForDecorations what are you on about? So you think the Op was being abusive to the children and the poor DH has no choice but to sulk and be silent as he “just daren’t say anything”? Good grief
I think you must be the DH.

TurboTeddy · 21/04/2019 16:50

He probably would have preferred you to try harder to settle the baby rather than give the children the hurry up with their fun dessert.

That's right, dealing with the fractious baby is always mums job. You really should have tried harder! Have I really just read that?

VampireSlayer19 · 21/04/2019 16:51

My husband is a go quiet person it used to really upset me but years ago after a disagreement and Tbf we don’t have many he went his usual quiet.

I left it an hour or so and then went in, turned the telly off and said we needed to talk as it is not the way to have a relationship. Done in a calm kind manner rather than aggressive and he did talk and turned out he felt like he couldn’t speak up. I can be quite dominant without noticing and he gave me examples of when I had shot him down so he just gave up. Decided best to let me get in and would just start talking again naturally, which did happen, in my head incident dealt with but actually he still felt crap!

I was horrified but we talked and I realised yes, I definitely could have come across that way and had I had no idea was doing it. Now he has worked on speaking up and I have worked on not snapping and just shooting him down, although I do now and then but as I am more aware. I will then address what I was annoyed about later in a calm manner and he speaks up so work it through and if an apology needed on either side it’s said. Sometimes agree to disagree but have respected each other’s point of view.

Your husband might be being a childish arse OR he might have a lot on pent up stuff he isn’t telling you. Instead of waiting for him to talk, maybe go to him and ask Is this really about last night or is something else going on. Be ready to listen even if don’t agree you can then put your point across calmly as well.

Either way I hope you can resolve it as yes the silent treatment can genuinely make you feel crap but accidentally shooting someone down can make them crap to!

gamerchick · 21/04/2019 16:53

Obviously silent treatment for weeks or days even does sound abusive but I dont think not wanting to talk to someone whose upset you for an hour or the night is abusive but thats very different from keeping it up for a prolonged period of time to “punish” someone

'the night' is a prolonged period of time.

What's wrong with saying you're feeling a big cross and can you be left alone to process it for a bit. Then talk about it when you have?

Just not talking to someone and them not knowing when it'll end is immature.

missbattenburg · 21/04/2019 16:57

silent treatment = childish, passive aggressive manipulation, imo.

IHateUncleJamie · 21/04/2019 17:16

@CupcakeDrama Silent treatment when used as a punishment/control is emotionally abusive. Giving yourself a bit of space when you’re angry or very upset is not the same thing.

OP asking/telling your child to stop playing with their food and eat it is not unreasonable when ice cream is turning into a puddle. I would ask your DH why he reacted so angrily. If he won’t communicate with you and carries on ignoring you then treat him as if he’s 6 and just keep speaking to him as if he’s answering you.

CupcakeDrama · 21/04/2019 17:23

What's wrong with saying you're feeling a big cross and can you be left alone to process it for a bit. Then talk about it when you have?

I would let ex know that I didnt want to talk to him, not sure if thats not classed as silent treatment then.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 21/04/2019 17:23

Dragging the silent treatment over another day when you both have children to look after is abusive. I was that child and don't kid yourself that they don't notice and aren't treading on eggshells themselves. Most of the times it took for me to beg him to stop ignoring her/us.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 21/04/2019 17:28

He probably would have preferred you to try harder to settle the baby rather than give the children the hurry up with their fun dessert.

WTF.