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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder about silent treatment

162 replies

astrologicalzoo · 20/04/2019 23:07

Tonight I was out for dinner with my husband and two children.

Eldest DC’s ice cream arrived with about a million smarties, some marshmallows and strawberry laces. Dc took forever to place everything on just so. So long in fact that I’d finished dessert and they’d not even started eating it. I asked them to stop playing around with it and eat it.

My husband responded angrily to let them eat it at their own pace and not rush them and I was only on at them because I’d finished me. Baby is getting grisly in the background and I told him that my dessert had nothing to do with it. I just didn’t want to wait on DC faffing while baby is getting restless and tearful.

He’s not spoken to me the rest of the night Confused and I mean has refused to speak to me.

I told him earlier that if he thinks silent treatment is some sort of punishment then he’s barking up the wrong tree. I’m by no means weak willed btw and I will always stand up for myself.

But silent treatment seems to be what he does. I’ve told him many times that if he wanted a wife who apologised at every turn for no reason or just backed down to keep him happy then he married the wrong woman. That being said, I am not argumentative - I just stand up for myself 🤷🏻‍♀️

I feel like it’s quite an abusive tactic but I’m not sure if I’m over dramatising it. Is it abusive?

OP posts:
OldAndWornOut · 20/04/2019 23:52

I think its abusive, and it solves nothing.
I would rather have a bloody good argument; the absolute worst is when they won't deign to even tell you what you've done!

GreytExpectations · 20/04/2019 23:54

He’s free to stand his ground much like I’m free to stand mine

Ok. Well then that is exactly what he is doing, so why complain? You both are "standing you ground. You don't like his silent treatment, maybe he doesn't like you undermining him. In this instance, he is not being abusive.

AnduinsGirl · 20/04/2019 23:56

TBH it sounds like he's pissed off at you for sucking the joy out of the situation.
Silent treatment can absolutely be abusive, but sometimes it's just a case of someone going quiet when they're trying to process their thoughts without causing a massive row.

Original poster
astrologicalzoo · 20/04/2019 23:58

@Greytexpectations how did I undermine him?

I asked my child to eat their ice cream and husband responded angrily at which point I said to him that we’d been waiting 15 for DC to even put spoon to mouth and id like them to start eating.

OP posts:
BottleOfJameson · 21/04/2019 00:05

Hard to know what was actually going on. Obviously you were being a massive misery guts not to let the kids enjoy their desert - it's really exciting for kids to be able to "make" their own desert you could have waited 5 minutes to let them have their fun! Take the baby for a walk (or have DH do it) if need be!

Maybe you're a bit more confrontational than you think? I just can't imagine getting so upset about letting the kids take a few extra minutes over their desert. The silent treatment is annoying if it's deliberate. There have been times when I've been too irritated to discuss something in the heat of the moment though and there are also people who tend to be quite confrontational in their style of arguing and I refuse to discuss things with them until they've calmed down.

CupcakeDrama · 21/04/2019 00:15

I never get how silent treatment is abusive. If ive had an argument with someone then I dont fancy talking to them for abit. I dont think its abusive! Its called needing space.

steff13 · 21/04/2019 00:30

Our marriage counselor said the silent treatment is emotional abuse. There's a difference between not being ready to discuss an issue and refusing to speak to someone at all. If you need space, you say that. You don't just refuse to acknowledge the other person.

Cherrysoup · 21/04/2019 00:42

I never get how silent treatment is abusive. If ive had an argument with someone then I dont fancy talking to them for abit. I dont think its abusive! Its called needing space

For an hour or so, yes, fine. Any longer and it is abusive, IMO, it’s a control thing and very childish.

CupcakeDrama · 21/04/2019 00:46

Its normally for the day. I still dont think its abuse. If someones pissed me off I dont fancy talking to them for abit.

trendingorange · 21/04/2019 00:47

Silent treatment is emotional abuse.
I knew and was confirmed by marriage therapist.
Very controlling and leads to distrust and resentment.
Divorcing now, hopefully will find a partner who will discuss disagreements and listen to my point of view.

snowqu33n · 21/04/2019 01:02

It’s abusive. Look it up. Might not have been considered that way “back in the day”, but it is a recognized pattern of behaviour. To punish or bully. If the OP is good EY getting her point across in an argument it’s probably a tactic to win. She has a young baby, the whole family has to adjust to make life work. Why didn’t the husband take the grizzly baby outside if that’s all that’s required? Why did it have to be the mother that thinks of a solution?

mushymush · 21/04/2019 06:01

It absolutely is abusive. It seems childish too because a lot of abusive behaviour is childish when you think about it - having a strop (or tantrum); not apologising; not being mature enough to discuss the issue etc.

My abusive ex was like this, it was a repeated pattern of behaviour designed to control and manipulate me into feeling bad and doing what he wanted, and I often used to beg and plead with him to stop so we could move on as he would never back down and apologise or compromise.

Does your DH do this often?

TheBitchOfTheVicar · 21/04/2019 06:08

Massive misery guts? Sucking the joy out of the experience? Good grief, I've heard it all now!

YWSoNBU to ask you DC to begin eating - morning joyless about that. I would have done so earlier than you, and I don't have a baby.

Re. your DH, what PP have said - I have no experience of this, sorry - but it sounds like it is a possibility.

megrichardson · 21/04/2019 06:09

Of course 'silent treatment' or, to give it another name, 'sulking' is abusive. I don't think you did/said anything unreasonable, OP. Your DH thought you did something wrong, but his response could have been any range of things, but his chosen one is abusive.

Jojoanna · 21/04/2019 06:27

I would have told the children to hurry up and silent treatment can be abusive

araiwa · 21/04/2019 06:33

Maybe he cant be arsed having an argument about it and is hoping that starving the situation of oxygen will let it burn out

woollyheart · 21/04/2019 07:33

I wouldn't go somewhere that encourages children to spend 15 minutes arranging desserts if you don't enjoy it and you have a baby to consider.

Your husband obviously thinks that mucking about with ice cream is the best bit.

Blondebakingmumma · 21/04/2019 07:56

Silent treatment is a form of abuse. Don’t listen to the posters saying it isn’t. You in no way undermined him.

PregnantSea · 21/04/2019 07:57

Silent treatment is so very childish. I don't think he's unreasonable to feel annoyed but he's being very unreasonable to not just talk to you about it. What a baby.

GreytExpectations · 21/04/2019 08:02

Op you do sound like you may be a confrontational person. Its a bit miserable to not allow you dc to enjoy their dessert. Like PP said, you could have taken the baby for a walk but in your post you seem to complain about how you had finished your dessert and how you wanted to leave. Didnt seem like you had the whole family in mind, just what you wanted. Personally thatd have make me a bit angry.

senbei · 21/04/2019 08:04

I never get how silent treatment is abusive. If ive had an argument with someone then I dont fancy talking to them for abit. I dont think its abusive! Its called needing space.

It's not always abusive, but it's definitely childish. There's a difference between giving someone space and wanting it in return (which should happen in any healthy relationship anyway), and sulking/pointedly ignoring someone instead of sorting out the matter like grown adults.

Don't get me wrong, it's perfectly normal to excuse yourself for maybe an hour or so after an argument to cool down and prevent yourself from saying anything you'll regret. Beyond that? It's ridiculous, really. What good will being silent do for anyone!

HBStowe · 21/04/2019 08:10

YANBU. This is a really shitty move. Why is he so fucking important that he doesn’t have to abide by the normal rules of civility and discuss things with you like an adult?

You have to ask yourself, would he behave this way to a work colleague who he disagreed with? If the answer is no then it shows he fundamentally doesn’t consider you worthy of a basic level of respect and politeness.

GreytExpectations · 21/04/2019 08:15

You have to ask yourself, would he behave this way to a work colleague who he disagreed with?

What a bizarre comparison to make Confused of course people dont treat their colleagues the same as they treat their spouses...its a completely different relationship!

Mind you, i agree that her DH was acting childish, but abusive in this situation seems a but ott. OP was also being quite difficult too. You know two wrongs dont make a right..

Tinysarah1985 · 21/04/2019 08:21

I’ve had the silent treatment from my OH for about 5 weeks now.

StationView · 21/04/2019 08:27

astrological, I suggest that you ask for this thread to be moved to Relationships. There are lots of posters there with experience of sulking and passive aggression. It's horrible, abusive behaviour.

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