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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder about silent treatment

162 replies

astrologicalzoo · 20/04/2019 23:07

Tonight I was out for dinner with my husband and two children.

Eldest DC’s ice cream arrived with about a million smarties, some marshmallows and strawberry laces. Dc took forever to place everything on just so. So long in fact that I’d finished dessert and they’d not even started eating it. I asked them to stop playing around with it and eat it.

My husband responded angrily to let them eat it at their own pace and not rush them and I was only on at them because I’d finished me. Baby is getting grisly in the background and I told him that my dessert had nothing to do with it. I just didn’t want to wait on DC faffing while baby is getting restless and tearful.

He’s not spoken to me the rest of the night Confused and I mean has refused to speak to me.

I told him earlier that if he thinks silent treatment is some sort of punishment then he’s barking up the wrong tree. I’m by no means weak willed btw and I will always stand up for myself.

But silent treatment seems to be what he does. I’ve told him many times that if he wanted a wife who apologised at every turn for no reason or just backed down to keep him happy then he married the wrong woman. That being said, I am not argumentative - I just stand up for myself 🤷🏻‍♀️

I feel like it’s quite an abusive tactic but I’m not sure if I’m over dramatising it. Is it abusive?

OP posts:
Ellapaella · 21/04/2019 22:14

He is being pathetic. Grown adults don't stop speaking to each other because they've had a minor argument about kids eating ice cream. He doesn't know how to deal with his frustration and so he sulks like a baby. He's showing his lack of emotional maturity. It must be like walking on egg shells living with someone like this, I honestly couldn't be arsed with it.

AutumnCrow · 21/04/2019 22:18

Just catching up with this - but is there an AIBU Bot these days that automatically gets in the first rude and bizarre response to tell the OP how wrong they are??

MitziK · 21/04/2019 22:24

The silent treatment can absolutely be abusive.

I'd get it from my mother. Never know why or what I'd done wrong (obviously, because she wasn't talking to me). Wouldn't look at me, wouldn't say a word for hours. Eventually, I'd either get a 'You're not worth my breath/why would I want to look at something like you?'' and it would continue - or I'd get walloped around the side/back of my head (where bruising didn't show) and it would continue until something else I did during the silence - like breathing or trying not to cry - annoyed her enough to start with the fists and the 'you're worthless' script.

My ex worked out that it completely destroyed me. So did it all the fucking time. With the explosive violence, too.

DP, however, had been taught that He was not allowed to speak when in trouble/there was an angry parent or now-ex. So would clam up as soon as he felt some tension in the air. After three hours of it the first time, I lost the plot at him because I thought he was going to be the same as them.

He doesn't do it now precisely because he knows it upsets me so much. Because he sees that it's used as part of some abusers' arsenal of weapons.

redastherose · 22/04/2019 00:06

I genuinely can't understand some of the pp's on this thread. OP said

Tonight I was out for dinner with my husband and two children.

Eldest DC’s ice cream arrived with about a million smarties, some marshmallows and strawberry laces. Dc took forever to place everything on just so. So long in fact that I’d finished dessert and they’d not even started eating it. I asked them to stop playing around with it and eat it.

My husband responded angrily to let them eat it at their own pace and not rush them and I was only on at them because I’d finished me. Baby is getting grisly in the background and I told him that my dessert had nothing to do with it. I just didn’t want to wait on DC faffing while baby is getting restless and tearful.

He’s not spoken to me the rest of the night  and I mean has refused to speak to me.

I told him earlier that if he thinks silent treatment is some sort of punishment then he’s barking up the wrong tree. I’m by no means weak willed btw and I will always stand up for myself.

But silent treatment seems to be what he does. I’ve told him many times that if he wanted a wife who apologised at every turn for no reason or just backed down to keep him happy then he married the wrong woman. That being said, I am not argumentative - I just stand up for myself 🤷🏻‍♀️

I feel like it’s quite an abusive tactic but I’m not sure if I’m over dramatising it. Is it abusive?

How some of you get from that post that some of the drivel that's been said I don't know.

Op asked their child to eat up after 15 fucking minutes. What planet do you live on if you wouldn't have done the same. Anyone who has had kids knows that sometimes they are just messing around. Her husband then tells her off for asking their child to stop messing and eat up - so he was undermining her in front of the children. He makes this a personal attack on OP by saying its just because she's finished. So he's turned this from something about their child into something about OP! She then feels she has to explain and justify what she's said to the child. The only reason to have to explain is because he's twisted the issue! So she says to H that it has nothing to do with it and mentions that it's unfair on the baby (which presumably he could see as much as OP). H then spends the rest of the Bank Holiday weekend fucking sulking and giving the silent treatment to OP and opts out of family life. FFS sometimes I despair of the posters on here.

Yes OP it can indeed be a common tactic of an abusive person and I think that even if you think it isn't effecting you it probably is. He has basically left you to look after your DC's and do the garden on your own so an immediate benefit to him. Ask yourself why you would continue to put up with this behaviour.

redastherose · 22/04/2019 00:09

Sorry bold fail on your post bit OP.

Bunbunbunny · 22/04/2019 01:04

Silent treatment was my mother's speciality, she went a few years not talking to my DF whilst we lived in the same house together. They're still married & I do blame my df for letting her get away with that treatment. It was like living on eggshells waiting for her to switch, she gave me the same treatment & I can not explain how soul destroying it is. To be ignored in your own home day after day is so isolating.

There is a massive difference between having space & silent treatment. Having space you can gather your thoughts then talk, silent treatment it's on their terms only. My mother started at few days, then weeks eventually it was close to 4 years of silence when I was in my late teens. She started talking to me again & I was so happy to have a mum again. Didn't last & she stopped again after a few years & it's been nearly 10 years since we spoke. I reached out so many times when I was young trying to get her to talk to me & was rejected I decided never again so I've cut links now fully supported by my df.

The thing I found was the silence can build, so the scenario OP describes doesn't sound like a one off and will potentially get longer, I think it's worth seeing therapy together & apart as you need some way to communicate so you don't have to deal with the silence. He needs to realise it's not constructive & will damage your relationship in the long run. If he thinks it ok to do it to you what will stop him doing it to your children 20 years from now?

Weenurse · 22/04/2019 01:39

My DH used to try this. Learned behaviour as he had seen his Dad do this as well.
I also used to confront After an hour or so of cooling down time.
I would carry on s normal conversation and tell him if he was going to act 2, I would treat him as a 2 year old.
Have not seen this behaviour in many years now.
You were not being unreasonable in asking DC to eat up after 15 minutes with a fractious baby.
He is now being unreasonable by not helping and continuing with his treatment. Is he passive aggressive in other ways?

snowqu33n · 22/04/2019 04:06

YYYY to what redastherose said!! Can’t believe the misogynistic PP jumping all over the OP because she said she stands up for herself.
I kind of wonder WHY she has to keep being strong and stand up for herself. Why isn’t her DH on her side? He humiliated her with an angry outburst in the restaurant! Timed beautifully so he can opt out of family stuff over the weekend.
OP, you have done nothing wrong telling your older child to get on with eating his ice cream. You are allowed to tell your kid to hurry up.
Did your DH look after the baby to let you eat your meal? Or was that supposed to be all your job, too?

Decormad38 · 22/04/2019 04:10

Silent treatment is a method of control. So it can be abusive. Just like a sulking partner can be.

Iggly · 22/04/2019 07:39

I read it that there’s an unhealthy dynamic and I doubt very much it’s just the OP against the big bad mean DH. I suspect both of their behaviour is not great.

That’s why I ask about standing up for herself - why would you need to do that in a relationship unless it was unhealthy.

Also it reminds me of people who describe themselves as bolshy/strong etc when actually they’re argumentative types. But I could be wrong here! There’s not quite enough to go on.

Tessywoooooo · 22/04/2019 08:02

@MitziK has it nailed op

femfemlicious · 22/04/2019 09:25

ToEarlyForDecorations you are reaching massively saying she is bossy and controlling by her telling her child to eat up!. Do you have children yourself?.

Why insist she is lying when she says it's 15mins.

UserName31456789 · 22/04/2019 09:30

I think the problem is it's just too hard to judge the dynamics from the description and in writing. It did come across at first a bit like OP felt what she said goes, because she had decided it was time to go the kids couldn't have fun with their desert any more etc. This is just the kind of thing that's difficult to gauge over text. I think if someone's annoyed or feels a bit bullied it's natural to go quiet and let tempers die down before engaging with the other person again.

That said being silent for hours on end deliberately is not normal behaviour. Even if the other person is deeply annoyed and not ready to discuss things yet staying completely silent not even asking for some time alone is way over the line. It's ridiculous behaviour that means nothing can ever be sorted out.

RightOnTheEdge · 22/04/2019 10:25

astrological zoo I can't believe some of the responses you've had. Obviously some posters have never had to deal with a partner who uses silence like this and that's lucky for them. They don't understand.

You do not sound controlling and overbearing for asking a child to stop messing about and start eating their ice cream. You sound normal ffs.

Using silence like this as a form of punishment is a kind of abuse and it's shit! I put up with this treatment (and other types of emotional abuse) for far too long.
It's such a relief to to not have to live with it anymore.

I hope you can manage to just get on and enjoy this lovely day with your children despite him. Let him sulk and ruin his own day, the childish prick.

If this is a regular thing and there are other problems maybe post in relationships instead. AIBU is rediculous sometimes.

Original poster
astrologicalzoo · 22/04/2019 11:33

To be honest I’m a bit baffled that I’m seen as controlling for asking my dc to stop messing around with their food.

I’m definitely not perfect but I am furious at his behaviour. The silent treatment is not something I think works well and certainly not with me.

OP posts:
saraclara · 22/04/2019 11:49

its certainly manipulative and controlling - it means nothing can be resolved until they decide
Yep.

I imagine the daughter is suffering much more from the atmosphere he's creating, than from the brief telling off from her mum.
Maybe he needs telling that, OP.

Lovestruk · 22/04/2019 11:58

How are you getting astrologicalzoo? Is he still being ignorant? Does he do it often? Hope your ok xxx

Bambamrubblesmum · 22/04/2019 11:59

Is it possible that he's withdrawn because he's considering whether he wants to be in the relationship? I can't speak about this as a form of abuse but I do know a few men who showed this withdrawing behaviour before they split with their partner.

Sounds like you are incompatible and maybe this minor incident has brought it to a head?

Lovestruk · 22/04/2019 12:02

I agree with Bambamrubblesmum and other poster, it doesn't sound like it anything got to do with the incident in question at all.

madcatladyforever · 22/04/2019 12:04

The silent treatment IS abusive and one of the reasons why my marriage ended. My ex husband constantly went silent whether it was an argument, or something that needed to be discussed or an urgent issue that needed resolving. Sorry but I can't live with someone who hides or goes silent rather than faces the issues at hand like a mature adult.
Some things need to be discussed whether or not they are uncomfortable and I hardly think that one incident warrants an entire evenings silence, that is just absurd. What is he? Five years old?

madcatladyforever · 22/04/2019 12:06

P.S My ex gave me the silent treatment for 20 years. It actually gave me a mental breakdown in the end.

hazell42 · 22/04/2019 12:56

If he is doing it all the time rather than discussing issues, it definitely is abusive.
I hated it so much I wanted to smash my exh's head against the wall.
But then he was a master. His silences could last for weeks.
It suggests that you are too contemptible for him to have to explain himself. Instead you can dance round him, trying to guess what you have done wrong and what you need to do to put it right.
Thank fuck I don't do that shit any more

UserName31456789 · 22/04/2019 13:51

OP on first reading I thought perhaps you cMe across as a little bossy (but as I said before that could totally be wrong as its so impossible to read over text). I think people thought you were perhaps exaggerating about the 15 minutes (it can't have taken you that long to eat your desert).

BUT even if you were a little bossy (and like I said you may well not be) that doesn't justify your DH staying completely silent for this length of time. That's not shutting down or avoiding an argument that's deliberate manipulation. He is ridiculous.

EKGEMS · 22/04/2019 15:49

Scarcelyburnt Are you the OP's husband? Why in the world do you doubt the veracity of the OP's post? I think you have a lot of gall

Scarcelyburnt · 22/04/2019 22:49

I think 15 mins sounds like an exaggeration. Is it beyond the realms of possibility that the OP could be exaggerating? If having an opinion and questioning aspects of the OP's story is having "a lot of gall", then so be it.