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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just refuse the wedding invitation

1000 replies

jessicawessica · 20/04/2019 22:04

Nephew getting married in august. Been planning this massively expensive do for 2 years and he and fiancee talk about it a lot....dress code, venue, meal, etc.
Went to visit my mum today and my younger DB was also there. My mum gave us both out invitations as DN had dropped them off there.
We all opened them to find that me and DB were not invited to the ceremony and meal, just to the evening do.
I was fuming. My DD has been so looking forward to going to her first wedding ceremony so will be gutted when I tell her, especially as she adores DN s little girl.
My DB and I both said we won't be going at all now, especially as they've included a gift list in the invite and they all look bloody expensive.
I could understand it it was a small intimate do but it's for 150 people. And it's not as though DN has a large family....just his dad who will be 1 of the 10 Groomsmen, his brother, his mum and his gran (my mum).
AIBU to not go?

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 21/04/2019 13:27

You’re right not to go today, I think, if it’s too raw. The last thing your Mum needs is an atmosphere between you all, that would be miserable for her.

CornforthWhite · 21/04/2019 13:27

I think you've got to go today otherwise a rift will form and you won't be able to ever have a Sunday at your mum's again - it will always feel this awkward so you might as well tackle it today and move on from it.
Just decline wanting to hear about the wedding and NEVER do a favour ever again. You know where you stand.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/04/2019 13:27

I would not be giving your db1 any lifts from now on or babysitting future children the happy couple may spawn.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/04/2019 13:28

It is rude of them, considering you are so close, and they keep talking about their wedding. I don't blame you for feeling hurt, you know where you stand with them. I would just send a card, or a token present tbh. It is very rude and grabby, sending expensive wedding gift list to evening disco guests.

duckduckgoose2 · 21/04/2019 13:28

Yes it needs a bit of space and calm now to see a longer perspective. It’s a real shame that they didn’t think about the relationship between your dd and their dd.

MrsCBY · 21/04/2019 13:34

OP Flowers just really sorry.

That’s awful. What a horrible, mean-spirited way for DB1 and DN to let you know how far your relationship with them is from what you thought it was.

Am honestly a bit gutted for you.

The only silver lining is that you’ve found out now rather than later, because there was obviously something going on here the whole time and it would have come out sooner or later.

Can I ask if there’s ever been a hint of “golden child” about DB1 in your family?

thisisalongdrive · 21/04/2019 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TidyDancer · 21/04/2019 13:51

I'm so sorry OP. Sounds like your DB knew all along. Guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree there.

I think you should get some space tbh so you've probably done the right thing in not going today. Emotions are running high and you're more likely to get into a confrontation today rather than later. It really isn't your fault and your DN and DB should be feeling very ashamed but you should look after yourself today, they have been so rude.

Insomnibrat · 21/04/2019 13:55

I suspect very much that DB1 is somewhat caught in the middle of all this and hasn't wanted to take sides. He is stuck in the middle somewhat!

YANBU though, imo.

Drum2018 · 21/04/2019 13:56

Be prepared for your ears to be burning today while your mother no doubt brings up the subject. Even if you got a full day invite now, I'd still decline and would just send a card, no gift.

Nonnymum · 21/04/2019 13:58

Now you know where you stand I would politely decline, especially as DC are not even invited and the venus is 30 miles away. Then not engage in any more wedding talk. It's up to DB1 and DN to mkaw sure your mum can get to the wedding and is kept company during the event.
Just sent them a card on the day

IStillMissBlockbuster · 21/04/2019 13:59

Apparently, DB1 has already "had this conversation" with DB2
Ah so DB2 has already raised the subject. Sounds like DB1 is now in defensive mode, probably as he knows they are BU. I would say nothing more now op, wait and see what happens next...

Monkey0666 · 21/04/2019 14:03

I wasn't offended more upset for DD2 who was left out. DD1 received a 'Be my Bridesmaid' invitation complete with poem in the post . DD2 was searching for her invitation but of course none was there !

Original poster
jessicawessica · 21/04/2019 14:03

No DB1 never been The golden Child. We were all treated equally by our parents.
DB1 said he had already had the same conversation earlier with DB2. I assume DB2 beat me to it and phoned DB1 before I did.
Stuff em! I've wasted a whole day seething about this. End of.
Think I'll go and read the other disastrous wedding thread. Sounds like she got shafted more than I did.

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 21/04/2019 14:05

I don’t think your DB1 is being that unreasonable, tbh.

He’s stuck in the middle. He’d be ripped to shreds on here if someone posted saying he was giving money but was dictating who got invited to what.

He saved that money for his son and his son is using it for this. For all you know he’s not happy either but he’s not wrong in this: he really shouldn’t take your side against his child’s.

I’m not saying it’s not shit, don’t get me wrong. But if you paint your brother as a villain here it could form a massive rift that won’t benefit any of you.

Erksum · 21/04/2019 14:05

Your db1 is a right arse. It absolutely is his place to get involved

To be fair you have no idea on whether he gave the money without any strings attached or not. Usually MNers hate parents meddling in their kids weddings. Whenever we give our adults money we wouldn’t dream of interfering with how they spend it.

Easterbunnynearlyhere · 21/04/2019 14:09

Op I hope you withdraw from all of them tbh. No more Xmas niceties and no more gifts. They are a bunch of nasty fuckers. Your poor dm too.

Blibbyblobby · 21/04/2019 14:10

Missing point of thread, but DN is currently living with parents, was offered money by DB1 for a house deposit and said he’d rather spend it on a wedding!?!

SmellsLikeAdultSpirit · 21/04/2019 14:14

I think he wants to show off to his friends. I'll bet they do a cringy, coordinated dance in their white suits that will be shared online
All very hurtful OP

theonewiththecats · 21/04/2019 14:17

just decline. if you are are only important enough for an evening invite, I doubt it would bother them too much.

also, they can invite whoever they want. Likewise, you can decide if you go or not. works both ways.

Understand the upset though. Their loss!

ChicCroissant · 21/04/2019 14:20

It's the OP that is putting her mother on the spot by not turning up, though, Easterbunny. Which is a bit unfair, I think.

It seems a bit extreme to cut them off completely over not being invited to the wedding. The longer you leave seeing them (nephew) the harder it will be, OP. It is not for either your mother or your brother to sort out, and I hope it does get sorted out so you can all move forward. Hurtful, yes - permanent rift, I don't think it's worth that.

TheSerenDipitY · 21/04/2019 14:28

im sorry this has happened OP, i do hope you will extend your holiday the extra days you had previously planned, and if a full invitation unexpectedly arrives, please RSVP NO, take the kids and go enjoy your holiday, do something fun that night so you dont think about ti too much

cleanasawhistle · 21/04/2019 14:31

So sorry OP .

Just send the decline and say no more about it,let them get on with it.

Like you said you know where you stand now, dont fall out,be polite in company but thats as far as it goes.

DeegeeDee · 21/04/2019 14:39

Sorry to read this @jessicawessica - it's a horrible situation to be in and damned if you do, damned if you dont.

A slight derail...
Hello @tinydancer, as a latecomer to those threads, they were epic so thank you for sharing them. What news these years later?

bellabasset · 21/04/2019 14:40

I think you have to accept that you and your db2's family aren't that important to your dn and his fiancee. Don't let it upset your dm too much. Next time you meet dn and his fiancee if they start talking weddings change the subject or just say it's only one day and db2 and I are bored with it.

I would buy an M&S dine in gift card with a wedding card theme for £10 and hand it over when you see them after the wedding.

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